Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Jack_Samuel
Rogue Scholar
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH:
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a) You can legally kill yourself, b) You can legally be killed.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital...
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbors.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a) You can legally kill yourself, b) You can legally be killed.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital...
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbors.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
THE NAME GAME
A Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan …and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.
A Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan …and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- 6,689
An Open Letter To Procter & Gamble
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core (tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is: does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of Condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always,
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core (tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is: does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of Condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always,
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
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THE UGLY FROG
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.... YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.... YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
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- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
Top 10 Reasons to Go to Church
1. It’s a way to get a healthy glow without makeup.
2. Elvis started out in a church choir … so can you.
3. Goodness and mercy will follow you all the rest of your life–which are better than the IRS or FBI.
4. In this economy, it might be good to be hooked up with Someone who can turn water into wine.
5. You can walk down an aisle and approach an altar without having to gain a mother-in-law.
6. The Biblical admonition to “greet one another with a holy kiss” boosts your social life.
7. Hard Times? Kids getting on your nerves? Free coffee and child care at church!
8. The sound of money dropping is the offering, not your stocks.
9. Robes, candles, music…and it’s less expensive than a spa.
10. With April 15 coming, remember, Man does not live by Turbotax alone.
1. It’s a way to get a healthy glow without makeup.
2. Elvis started out in a church choir … so can you.
3. Goodness and mercy will follow you all the rest of your life–which are better than the IRS or FBI.
4. In this economy, it might be good to be hooked up with Someone who can turn water into wine.
5. You can walk down an aisle and approach an altar without having to gain a mother-in-law.
6. The Biblical admonition to “greet one another with a holy kiss” boosts your social life.
7. Hard Times? Kids getting on your nerves? Free coffee and child care at church!
8. The sound of money dropping is the offering, not your stocks.
9. Robes, candles, music…and it’s less expensive than a spa.
10. With April 15 coming, remember, Man does not live by Turbotax alone.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Dead Horse
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and talked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and talked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
> The results are pretty shocking:
>
> 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
>
> 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
>
> 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
> The results are pretty shocking:
>
> 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
>
> 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
>
> 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Dianthus
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2009
- Posts
- 30,434
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in
the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed
to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven, while others were led
over to Satan who then threw them into a burning pit.
But every so often ... instead of hurling a poor soul into
the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help noticing and wondering - why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Oh those," Satan groaned. "They're all from Canada. They're still too
cold and wet to burn."
the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed
to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven, while others were led
over to Satan who then threw them into a burning pit.
But every so often ... instead of hurling a poor soul into
the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help noticing and wondering - why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Oh those," Satan groaned. "They're all from Canada. They're still too
cold and wet to burn."
Jack_Samuel
Rogue Scholar
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2008
- Posts
- 1,110
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN:
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either a) like the Dutch, just less efficient, b) like the French, just less romantic, c) like the Germans.
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either a) like the Dutch, just less efficient, b) like the French, just less romantic, c) like the Germans.
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices and says "Is your date running late?"
"Nope. This is a state-of-the art watch and I was just testing it."
"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?"
"It says you're not wearing panties."
"It must be broken. I'm wearing panties."
The cowboy taps his watch and grins.
"Damn thing's an hour fast."
"Nope. This is a state-of-the art watch and I was just testing it."
"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?"
"It says you're not wearing panties."
"It must be broken. I'm wearing panties."
The cowboy taps his watch and grins.
"Damn thing's an hour fast."
Jack_Samuel
Rogue Scholar
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2008
- Posts
- 1,110
A Sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink
The barmen replies sorry ... we dont serve food here
dad jokes
The barmen replies sorry ... we dont serve food here
dad jokes
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Physical Exam
An eighty-three year old lady !
Finished her annual physical examination,
Whereupon the doctor said,
"You are in fine shape for your age,
But tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask My husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room And said:
"Bob do we still have Intercourse?"
Bob answered impatiently,
"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times...
"We have Blue Cross"
An eighty-three year old lady !
Finished her annual physical examination,
Whereupon the doctor said,
"You are in fine shape for your age,
But tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask My husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room And said:
"Bob do we still have Intercourse?"
Bob answered impatiently,
"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times...
"We have Blue Cross"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
'''All I did was ask'''
It had just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said,
"All I did was ask, has anyone seen the spade and hoe?"
It had just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said,
"All I did was ask, has anyone seen the spade and hoe?"
Jack_Samuel
Rogue Scholar
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2008
- Posts
- 1,110
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Millonaire Question
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ....Absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire! "
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks..!
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ....Absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire! "
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks..!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
This is pretty cool!
Now don't feel real bad if you can't figure it out ... I had to look too!
See if you can figure out what all of the following words have in common:
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Assess
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give It Another Try
You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard.
OK... Here you go....hope you didn't cheat.....
..... SCROLL DOWN
*Answer:*
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter... place it
at the end of the word....and then spell the word backwards... it
will be the same word. Did you figure it out? Most people do not. I didn’t.
Now don't feel real bad if you can't figure it out ... I had to look too!
See if you can figure out what all of the following words have in common:
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Assess
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give It Another Try
You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard.
OK... Here you go....hope you didn't cheat.....
..... SCROLL DOWN
*Answer:*
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter... place it
at the end of the word....and then spell the word backwards... it
will be the same word. Did you figure it out? Most people do not. I didn’t.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Golf can be a dangerous game
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
*************************
A woman staggers into the casualty section of a hospital. What happened to you?" asks the doctor.
"I was playing golf and got hit between the first and second hole."
"Hell, that doesn't leave a lot of room for a bandaid!"
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
*************************
A woman staggers into the casualty section of a hospital. What happened to you?" asks the doctor.
"I was playing golf and got hit between the first and second hole."
"Hell, that doesn't leave a lot of room for a bandaid!"
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
THE REAL MEANING OF PLANT CATALOG TERMINOLOGY:
"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."
"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."
"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.
"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.
"Vigorous" is code for "has a compulsion to take over the world."
"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.
"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."
"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."
"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.
"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.
"Vigorous" is code for "has a compulsion to take over the world."
"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
Here they are. Sorry about that.
11. Pisces (February 20-March 20)
These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the
signs. Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies
that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry
each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of
course they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for
the rest of us.
The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called
the "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't
enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.
There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except
that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a
result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.
Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen,
Andrew Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth
Taylor, Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev,
Jerry Lewis, David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They
DO deserve each other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow,
Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso.
12. Aries (March 21-April 20)
Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative
leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the
first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are
the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it
by the numbers.
Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when
the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into
the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out
to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.
The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that
limber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old
thing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is
not a long leap for an Aries.
Famous people in the Aries birthright include: Bette Davis, Joan
Crawford, Johan Sebastian Bach, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Omar
Sharif, Peter Ustinov, Harry Houdini and Debbie Reynolds.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Some quickies...
A candidate after the interview:
"Everything went well till the time they asked me to show my testimonials. I guess I showed them the wrong thing...."
The Theory of Reverse Dynamics:
When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty, and when a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich…
The Secret of Longevity:
Morning: Two eggs with milk
Evening: Two pegs with chips
Night: Two legs with lips
Many men think that "the larger the woman's breasts, the less intelligent she is. However, the fact is "the larger the woman's breasts the less intelligent the men around her become..."
The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:
"What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"
Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paperclipped"
A wife to her husband on his birthday:
"You can have sex for one hour any way that you desire."
Husband jumps, kisses her and runs out saying ...."I will be back in an hour"
A candidate after the interview:
"Everything went well till the time they asked me to show my testimonials. I guess I showed them the wrong thing...."
The Theory of Reverse Dynamics:
When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty, and when a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich…
The Secret of Longevity:
Morning: Two eggs with milk
Evening: Two pegs with chips
Night: Two legs with lips
Many men think that "the larger the woman's breasts, the less intelligent she is. However, the fact is "the larger the woman's breasts the less intelligent the men around her become..."
The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:
"What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"
Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paperclipped"
A wife to her husband on his birthday:
"You can have sex for one hour any way that you desire."
Husband jumps, kisses her and runs out saying ...."I will be back in an hour"
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