Humor Thread

[Jack_Samuel]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

 

[DG Hear]

Why I'm the Boss




Click below

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b5b_1236232922​

 

[rgraham666]

Made me laugh.

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-anniversary-fail.jpg

 

[sadangel]

Made me laugh.

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-anniversary-fail.jpg

Snerk!!

 

[Dianthus]

Made me laugh.

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-anniversary-fail.jpg

ROFL. Thanks for that. I needed a laugh!

 

[DG Hear]

Funny! How to deal with tele marketer.
Had this before or something similar.



THIS IS GOOD
Click below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8​

 

[Crudebug]

God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE this TRUNK you have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE this LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a great distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain... but either let me have a bigger arse or smaller eggs."

 

[DG Hear]

Lawyer Jokes

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar one day when a beautiful woman walkes by. One attorney lookes to his associate and remarks "Boy would I like to screw her!" The other attorney thinks for a moment and replys: "Out of what?"


A lawyer drops dead, and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter looks at him and says "Where do you think you're going? You're a lawyer, so your kind have to prove they deserve to get in here. Name something selfless you've done in the past year."
"I gave a homeless man $50 last week." St Peter checks his records and says "five minutes of selflessness doesn't cut it around here. Name something else."
"Two weeks ago, I gave another homless man $50."
"I'll have to consult the boss."
St Peter asks God what to do. He replies "give him back his $100 and tell him to go to hell."

 

[redpaint]

"Has the depression affected your business as a door-to-door salesman?"

"I'll say it has. I now find twice as many husbands home as I used to."

 

[DG Hear]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those jerks took $95.00 in taxes.

 

[redpaint]

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a
coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

 

[redpaint]

Redneck on the road

This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.


"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

 

[redpaint]

Pathetic Pick Up Lines

I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me ?

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel

You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

 

[DG Hear]

Hell Red! I like some of these, no wonder I don't get laid.

Pathetic Pick Up Lines

I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me ?

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Can I borrow your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel

You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

 

[DesertPirate]

HEY! THIS STUFF IS GOOD INFORMATION......

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If the twins itches, THEY will be scratched.
We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong...
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh

 

[DG Hear]

Good one DP! I guess most men are in the same boat. haha.

 

[DG Hear]

Blond wannabe biker chick

OK, it's an oldie but still pretty damn cute.

A blond was partying with a group of Hells Angels when she expressed a desire to join their gang.

"What? You can't be a Hell's Angel!" one of the bikers exclaimed.

"Why not? " the girl asked.

"Well first of all, You have to own a bike!" The biker replied,

'The blond stepped over to the window and pointed out to the driveway. "Do you see that 57 panhead parked by the curb, That's mine!"

"Wow! That's a beauty!" the biker exclaimed. He was clearly impressed,but still determined to stop her from joining the gang. " you have to drink, party and love Rock and Roll!" He added.

" I like to drink and party, and I love Rock and Roll!" the blond insisted.

Amazed that they had so much in common the biker was none the less sceptical, " yeah, but have you ever been picked up by the "FUZZ?" he asked.

" Without a moments hesitation the blond replied," No, but I've been swung around by my tits!"

 

[Crudebug]

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man some instructions:
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I FALL out of the tree BEFORE the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

 

[DG Hear]

Phone Sex

My wife just told me she likes to have sex while she's talking on the telephone!


Yep, she called me from Chicago

(loosely quoted from Rodney Dangerfield)

****************

A blonde was asked if she liked sex on the TV. "Might be a little uncomfortable, but I'll give it a go."

 

[Crudebug]

Speed control Bikini Bandits

The Danes know how to slow down speeding motorists
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lntC9bHmguc

 

[redpaint]

Society's Burning Questions


1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?


2. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.


3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"


4. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


6. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.



7. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.


8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?


9. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed
to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?


10. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office
is full of portraits by Picasso.

 

[redpaint]

Astrological Signs Like You have Never Seen them


1. Taurus (April 21-May 21)

These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach
to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The
typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna fuck?" The typical Taurus
comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole
in my pants."

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him.
He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore,
and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's
business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show
for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll
see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are
for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or
"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex.
In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can
chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged
love life.

Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn,
Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms,
Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis.


2. Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an
enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then
go do something absolutely different, they are not being
two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they
know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle
of Gemini.

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes
always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they
are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men
are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by,
and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie!
ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers,
"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my
life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught."
Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls
all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely
interested. Bitch.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are
easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini
parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar.
Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts,
even when neither of their parents have sisters.

Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan
Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry
Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.


3. Cancer (June 22-July 23)

This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac.
Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse
is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at
home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late
at the office to earn more bread for the family home.
Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married.
But who's counting?

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves
a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for play is, and she'll
say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out
the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented
to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good
time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably
a Cancer.

Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway,
Mary Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland,
Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton.


4. Leo (July 24-August 23)

With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have
to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic,
which helps a lot in the free fuck department.
However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make
great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a
candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a
classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses
her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do
is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other
feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant,
someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on.
On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get
in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell
fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous.
The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and
"I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases
to save for Leos.

Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman
Melville, George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude
Debussy.


5. Virgo (August 24-September 23)

A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people
who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A
Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards
sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.

A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you
cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first.
People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming,
and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding
their emotions.

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat
covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people
who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom
isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers,
if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after.
And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter
Reed, H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery,
Kitty Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch.


6. Libra (September 24-October 23)

Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be
right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery,
but only for a couple of seconds at a time.

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it.
Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight
dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you
a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that
may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else
is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening
to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always
Libras.

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way
to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk
rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages.
Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a
well-behaved lover.

Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte
Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury,
Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes.


7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.
Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone
normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc.
They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to
their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios
hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person
to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age,
they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers,
Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich
Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn,
& about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They
think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every
penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted
marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just
depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't
have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by
their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until
someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios
fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.


8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people
fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the
party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes
of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are
also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what
ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius
person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get
married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it.
A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an
obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the
hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as
amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the
leader of the PLO.

Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin
Van Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas,
Frank Sinatra, Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott,
Lee Remick, Mary Martin and Andy Williams.


9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality,
hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend
to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,
Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they
really only have 3.

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they
are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class.
These are the true snots of the world. But they make good
supportive wives....especially the men.

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other
people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are
much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But
if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even.
They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees
when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end
up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate
lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since
they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven,
Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich,
Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis
Joplin and Elvis Presley.


10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most
original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians
fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an
elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp
analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual
position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility.
Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are
a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented
by Aquarians.

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the
"pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em!
Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an
Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months.
It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session
lasts.

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't
give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless,
slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign
are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass
them on.

Famous Aqaurians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and
her sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John
Barrymore, Cahrles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll
and Robert Burns.

 

[glynndah]

Yep. That fits perfectly.

 

[DG Hear]

Yep. That fits perfectly.

Which one my Good Little Witch Friend? Which Month?




I just went back and checked. Nov. 1'st

 

[DG Hear]

First night of the royal wedding

My apologies, in advance, if this hurts somebody’s sentiments but this is too good to leave it in the drawer.

The Royal Wedding Night

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"

"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"

To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"