Humor Thread

[TE999]

News from NASCAR

In a bold move, Jeff Gordon fired his long time pit crew, replacing them with unemployed ghetto youth, thereby taking advantage of a new government program offering tax breaks for persons who employ these youths.

Gordon was impressed when he saw a police surveillance video where the youths removed all four wheels from a parked car in six seconds. Gordon's former crew took eight seconds using expensive equipment.

It was thought to be a bold move by Gordon as most races are won or lost in the pits. However Gordon got more than he bargained for.

First utilized at the Talladega 500, the youths removed the wheels in six seconds, replaced them, changed the car's paint color, altered the VIN number and sold it to Dale Earnhart Jr. for 10 cases of Bud Light and a baggie of weed.

 

[DG Hear]

Guess who I am??

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it
got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we played "Who am I ?."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Man, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

 

[DG Hear]

The moral of the story is...

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $300 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $300 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $300 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time , you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

[DG Hear]

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/old.jpg​

 

[DG Hear]

NUN AND GOLF

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its talons, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "Jesus Christ, you missed a fucking six inch putt, didn't you?"

 

[DG Hear]

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."

 

[DG Hear]

The Tomato Company

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a
wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first
day.'

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has
neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.'

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. Crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business
the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport
several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice
used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a
fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess
with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, 'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'

'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

 

[DG Hear]

A candidate after the interview:
"Everything went well till the time they asked me to show my testimonials.
I guess I showed them the wrong thing...."

The Theory of Reverse Dynamics:
When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty, and when a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich…

The Secret of Longevity:
Morning: Two eggs with milk
Evening: Two pegs with chips
Night: Two legs with lips

Many men think that "the larger the woman's breasts, the less intelligent she is.
However, the fact is "the larger the woman's breasts the less intelligent the men around her become..."

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:
"What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"
Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paperclipped"

A wife to her husband on his birthday:
"You can have sex for one hour any way that you desire."
Husband jumps, kisses her and runs out saying ...."I will be back in an hour"

 

[DG Hear]

Husband kills Wife

A bloke walks into a pub, and his best friend comes up to him. "I've just killed my wife," he declares.

"You wouldn't do that, you don't have the guts."

"If you don't believe me, come home with me and I'll show you."

The two of them walk back to his place. Sure enough, there's a fresh mound of turned soil in the backyard, but there's an arse sticking out of the mound.

"What's that?" asks his friend.

"I needed somewhere to park my bicycle."

 

[DG Hear]

The burial

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout,” When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial,
she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down......"

 

[DG Hear]

Received this from some friends in Kentucky. I always liked Kentucky.
DG

FRIENDS VS KENTUCKY FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry..
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking,
laughing, and just being together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: will visit you in jail.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: will spend the night in jail with you.

FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital
and cook for you when you come home.

FRIENDS: have you on speed dial
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: have your number memorized.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
KENTUCKY FRIENDS: Will forward this to
all their other KENTUCKY Friends.

 

[DG Hear]

Been awhile since I've seen this one. Just sent to me by a friend.
DG


A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, 'I can really use a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your wee wee?'

The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your wee wee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?' The man looks back and says with a smile 'Timex,' and the thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?' The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because Quality is Job One.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?'
The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.' and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, 'The name of my wee wee is 'SECRET'.Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, 'Why Secret?'

The cowboy says, 'Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN'.

 

[DG Hear]

Hungover

A man wakes up very hungover, and the only things he can remembe about the previous night are a big gold toilet and a big green door with a brass knocker. After a breakfast of bacon and eggs, he goes for a walk to clear his head. On the way home, he sees the big green door with te brass knocker. He knocks on the door, and a middle aged woman answers.

"Excuse me, but do you have a big gold toilet?" he asks. "Harry!" she yells, "I think we found the bloke who wrecked your tuba!"

 

[DG Hear]

Me Hands

Two old farmers are chatting over the back fence. "How's that 18 year old wife of yours?" one asks. "Can't keep me hands off her." he mumbles under his hat.

A week later, the two farmers are chatting again. "How's that young wife of yours?"
"Can't keep me hands off her."

A month goes by, and the farmers chat again. "Still can't keep your hands off your wife?" teases one. "Nah, he replies, "I sacked me hands and bought a plough and tractor."

 

[TE999]

Signs of Life

Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it


Follow your dreams except the one where you're naked in church.


Sometimes having too much to drink isn't enough.


Heaven is where:
The police are British
The chef's are Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's organized by the Swiss

Hell is where:
The police are German
The chef's are English
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's organized by the Italians


Headline: SUICIDAL TWIN KILLS SISTER BY MISTAKE


My short-term memory isn't as sharp as it used to be and
my short term memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.


Welcome to Utah
Please set your watch back 30 years


In just 48 hours tomorrow will be yesterday


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.


I am a nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore I am perfect


Kentucky: Five million people...Fifteen last names


I'm not your type...I'm not inflateable


Dyslexics Have More Nuf


I love cooking with wine...
Sometimes I even put it in the food


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you


I'm having an out-of-money experience


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol


Money isn't everything
But it sure keeps the kids in touch


End Hunger:
Eat a little snack


Am I living happily ever after yet?


Don't believe everything you think

 

[DG Hear]

Some really cool shit Tom! Thanks for helping me keep the thread up on page one. Just want to let you know it's much appreciated.
Dg

 

[TE999]

Some really cool shit Tom! Thanks for helping me keep the thread up on page one. Just want to let you know it's much appreciated.
Dg

My pleasure, DG. This is a fun thread.

 

[Crudebug]

Redpaint;
Thanks for putting this on line it isn't funny but it needs to be sent to every member of Congress with the message, I vote for no incumbent until the economy is fixed, taxes are equitable and the budget is balanced.

lmao... isn't it insane to expect unbalanced people to present a balanced budget..
In any case... the objective of their miserable existence is to keep you off balance

After scraping the bottom of the popularity ranks for millennia... for the first times though someone else beat them to the most despised profession in the world...

Just read a recent survey where WALL STREET BANKERS beat the WASHINGTON WANKERS...


Enjoying reading the thread and still on page 69.. lo.l... (no don't worry... I like that number.. but will carry on...)
Never mind those who can't take a joke...
As long as we know that HUMOUR is laughing WITH someone and not AT.. it will always be a dose of good medicine...
And to those who won't laff with but felt laughed at.. well.. probably the shoe fits... lmao...
carry on ... posting... and hosting a chuckle and a guffaw... now and then..
Cheers - CB

 

[Crudebug]

A Saudi arrived in New York. The immigration officer asked, ‘What is your name.’ He replied, ‘Iqbal Hussain.’ ‘Age.’ ‘Thirty six.’
‘Sex.’ ‘Six times a week.’ Immigration officer said, ‘No, I mean male or female.’
The Saudi shrugged, ‘Doesn’t matter. Many times I have to be content with a camel.’

LMAO....
No wonder the camel is called the SHIP OF THE DESERT...
it is full of Arab SE(A)MEN

 

[DG Hear]

LMAO....
No wonder the camel is called the SHIP OF THE DESERT...
it is full of Arab SE(A)MEN

Welcom Crudebug, you will see some of the humor more than once. We can always laugh a second time.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Who Enjoys Sex More?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

 

[Crudebug]

Welcom Crudebug, you will see some of the humor more than once. We can always laugh a second time.
DG

lmao... I noticed... and considering that a number of jokes are on seniors... wondered if it was amnesia or cyber alzhies... lol

keep up the good work... (and the bad and the knotty... ) ...

 

[DG Hear]

Golf Lessons

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.

Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards.

Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

 

[Jack_Samuel]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man 20 attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying, that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family...unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember... They walk among us!!!