Humor Thread

[redpaint]

A doctor dies and goes to hell where the devil greets him and tells him that since he was a doctor, and did some good, that he could choose his eternity. The devil opens the first door. There are doctors hanging from their ankles being whipped by demons.

"Oh my God, I don't want that," the doctor replies. The devil opens a second door to reveal doctors on fire being chased by huge beasts.

"That one is even worse!" says the doctor, getting more nervous. The devil opens a third door to reveal doctors in lounge chairs being served tropical drinks by gorgeous, scantily clad nurses. "Sign me up for that eternity!" the doctor states.

The devil then slams that door and says, "You can't go there, you weren't supposed to see that."

The doctor asks, "Why can't I go there?"

The devil replies, "Well...that's nurse hell."

 

[redpaint]

The thing you need to focus on in your 20s is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, "No dude, it was different back then, everyone loved SpongeBob."

 

[redpaint]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance. "The nun asked if he had money in the bank.? He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you? "He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!" The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law.

 

[DG Hear]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance. "The nun asked if he had money in the bank.? He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you? "He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!" The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law.

I like that one Red!!!
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Why there are no Italian Muslims

Click on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGXQ6uv4TXE

Why there are no Italian Muslims

 

[Crudebug]

The Neighbour’s Wash
Not that we hang our laundry outdoors all that much anymore, but still there is a good lesson in this little story and I needed to be reminded.........
A young couple moves into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make similar comments. About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and washed our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

Surprising how we can find nuggets of wisdom buried in smiles...
Next time we look at people washing dirty linen in public, we need to first take the moat out of our own eyes...
Thanks for sharing RP

 

[DG Hear]

The Weather Man

Old one, but still cute.
DG

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

 

[DG Hear]

Have you ever wondered how your first name looked like in a foreign language? Here is your chance to find out how it looks in Russian.

Just click on the link below. Ignore all russian mumbo jumbo and type your first name in the space provided. Then click on the box.

http://www.callme.nm.ru/

 

[DG Hear]

The Original Computer!!!!​

This made me laugh out loud...

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/pencil.jpg

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/3infloppy.gif

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

 

[DG Hear]

A Cajun walks into a bar with
A pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.

"Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his big unit and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!

 

[TE999]

A elementary school teacher is conducting a study of the sense of taste with some third graders. She places different colors of Lifesavers in a bowl and has the children identify the tastes by their colors.

Cherry is Red
Lemon is Yellow
Lime is Green
Orange is Orange
Pineapple is Pale White

Then she puts Honey flavored Lifesavers in the bowl...none of the children can identify the taste.

"I'll give you a clue, it's something your mommy calls your daddy."

"Eeeew," screams a girl, "Spit them out, they're assholes."

 

[TE999]

Three dogs are waiting for the veterinarian.

"What are you here for?" says the spaniel to the beagle.

"I keep digging out of my yard. My owner's having my balls cut off to calm me down. How about you?"

"I keep peeing on everthing, the carpet, the couch, my owners bed. He's having my balls cut off to make me stop."

"What are you here for?" they both ask the yellow Lab.

"I hump everything, the furniture, trees, people's legs. Yesterday my owner was drying her toes after her shower and I mounted her and humped like crazy."

"Are you losing your balls too?"

"No, I'm here to have my toenails clipped."

 

[TE999]

A traveling salesman is driving through a midwest town and sees a poster advertising a circus and the star attraction 'The Amazing Roscoe'. Curious, he finds the circus, buys a ticket and takes a seat in the main tent.

The band plays and a man walks into the center ring to where three walnuts are on a table. He drops his pants revealing a huge penis which he uses to smash each walnut, then exits to thunderous applause. The salesman is amazed.

Fifteen years later, he's passing through the same town, sees the same circus and the same headliner 'The Amazing Roscoe'.

Again the band plays, Roscoe walks over to a table in the center ring, but now there are three coconuts on it which he smashes one by one with his penis.

The salesman is even more amazed. He stops Roscoe as he's leaving the tent and congratulates him on his act.

"When I first saw you fifteen years ago, you were smashing walnuts, why did you switch to coconuts?"

"My eyesight isn't what it used to be."

 

[DG Hear]

Playing At School

Lil'Tinku and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" while they were playing on the school yard. Tinku's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.

Lil' Tinku said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.

That evening, Tinku asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"

His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you."

So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"

The next day at school, Lil' Tinku found his friend and took him into the bathroom. Tinku lowered his pants and said, "See that? That's a penis."

He paused for a moment and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter and mite thinner, it'd be a perfect penis!"

 

[Crudebug]

This is what happens when we teach our children to read.
After six-year-old looked at all his Easter candy, he informed his parents Dan and Amber, I know where the Easter Bunny lives." They looked at him in amazement. "Oh really? Where?" Dan asked. Eddie replied, "China, because everything in my Easter basket has China on it."

Hmmm...I guess we could now call it the EASTERN BUNNY

 

[DG Hear]

Numbers

Always here to teach and learn. This is interesting.

The numbers we all use (1, 2, 3, 4, etc.) are known as "Arabic" numbers to distinguish them from the "Roman Numerals"(I, II, III, IV, V, VI, etc). Actually the Arabs popularized these numbers but they were originally used by the early Phoenician traders to count and keep track of their trading accounts.

Have you ever thought “why” ......... 1 means "one", and 2 means "two"? The roman numerals are easy to understand but what was “the logic” behind the Phoenician numbers?


It's all about angles!
It's the number of angles. If one writes the numbers down (see below) on a piece of paper in their older forms, one quickly sees why. I have marked the angles with "o"s.
No 1 has one angle.
No 2 has two angles.
No 3 has three angles.
Etc.

And "O" has no angles. (

This was how the originals number were supposed to be. They have been modified a bit in their current use.
http://forum.nicestories.com/files//29249-image001.gif

Interesting, isn't it?

An ancient Phoenician manuscript explains this and I thought it might be of interest to the humor thread readers.

 

[JackLuis]

Always here to teach and learn. This is interesting.



Have you ever thought “why” ......... 1 means "one", and 2 means "two"? The roman numerals are easy to understand but what was “the logic” behind the Phoenician numbers?

Interesting, isn't it?

An ancient Phoenician manuscript explains this and I thought it might be of interest to the humor thread readers.

Damn! That is interesting!

 

[gabriel117]

A little old lady in a nursing home raises her hand,and says "Whoever can guess whats in my hand can have sex with me tonight." An old man says an elephant, she replied "close enough."

 

[gabriel117]

Carlos was visiting an old friend and his wife and stayed for dinner.

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call a mechanic.

The husband urged Carlos to stay over.

There was no spare bed in the house, there wasn't even a sofa.

So carlos went to bed with the Husband and Wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep that the wife tapped Carlos on the shoulder and motioned him to come over to her.

"I can't do that", he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, honey," she whispered back, "there's nothing the the whole wide world that can wake him up now"

"I can't believe that," Carlos said. "Certaily if I get on top of you and make love to you, he'll wake up, won't he?"

"Sweetheart, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him"

Carlos did just that and the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and made love to her. He finished and climbed back to his own side.

Before long, she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned hime to make love to her again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.

This went to eight times during the night.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered, "Listen, Carlos, old pal, I don't mind your screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

 

[DG Hear]

Hey, gabriel117, Welcome to the humor thread. Feel free to post most anything at anytime.
Welcome aboard.
DG Hear

 

[gabriel117]

Thanks, DG Hear...


RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES OF THE WORLD IN A NUTSHELL
Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.

Christians: shit won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: let’s smoke this shit!

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Always here to teach and learn. This is interesting.

The numbers we all use (1, 2, 3, 4, etc.) are known as "Arabic" numbers to distinguish them from the "Roman Numerals"(I, II, III, IV, V, VI, etc). Actually the Arabs popularized these numbers but they were originally used by the early Phoenician traders to count and keep track of their trading accounts.

Have you ever thought “why” ......... 1 means "one", and 2 means "two"? The roman numerals are easy to understand but what was “the logic” behind the Phoenician numbers?


It's all about angles!
It's the number of angles. If one writes the numbers down (see below) on a piece of paper in their older forms, one quickly sees why. I have marked the angles with "o"s.
No 1 has one angle.
No 2 has two angles.
No 3 has three angles.
Etc.

And "O" has no angles. (

This was how the originals number were supposed to be. They have been modified a bit in their current use.
http://forum.nicestories.com/files//29249-image001.gif

Interesting, isn't it?

An ancient Phoenician manuscript explains this and I thought it might be of interest to the humor thread readers.

Fantastic DG

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend..
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

 

[DG Hear]

Must be a chick joke.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my
weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 7,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that
I only measure 5'4".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me
it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.

 

[DG Hear]

The New English Language

European English :

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl