Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Friday night I came home late, and ran to my g/f but she was already sleeping. Then I went to the bathroom and took 2 aspirins and carefully put them in her mouth. A few seconds later she choked, woke up and asked.
- What did you put in my mouth?
And I calmly answered:
- Two Aspirins!
- But I dont have a haedache!!! (she screamed)
- Thats what I wanted to hear . . .!

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Who Knew???
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, Saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, Clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka And letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, Scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face. As an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, And stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka And spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, Pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar With freshly packed lavender flowers, Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly And set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, Then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a wash cloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, Wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect And alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy To remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

......And silly me! I've only been drinking the stuff.

 

[DG Hear]

There were some great pics of puppies to go with the sayings. Just to many to post.

TO: GOD

FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

 

[DG Hear]

Purina Diet

Had this before but it's still funny.
DG

Subject: Purina

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Wonder dog. In the checkout line, with the bag under my arm, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because the last time I was on it I ended up in the hospital, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[DG Hear]

Amish Sex

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, ' My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said , 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy
with her mother again , and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you
ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

 

[TE999]

Sean and Brendan work together at the local sawmill.

One day Brendan slips and a saw cuts his arm off.

Sean puts the severed limb in a plastic bag and they rush to the hospital.

The next day Sean goes to he hospital to see how Brendan is doing and is told he's in rehab exercising his re-attached arm.

Next day, Brendan's back at work.

Two weeks pass, then Brendan trips and his leg is cut off by another saw.

Sean puts the leg in a plastic bag and they rush to the hospital.

Sean goes to see him and is informed that Brendans in rehab exercising his re-attached leg.

The next day, Brendan's back at work.

Two more weeks pass, then Brendan loses his balance, falls and a saw cuts his head off.

Sean puts the head in a plastic bag and rushes the body to the hospital.

The next day he goes to see how Brendan's doing.

"Your friend is dead," the surse says sadly.

"Aye," Sean replies, "Sure and it was the bloody great saw that did him in?"

"No," said the nurse, "Some dopey bastard your friends head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

 

[DG Hear]

You might be a Hillbilly sex quiz

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer
that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the
T or F as appropriate.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. T F

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart
trouble. T F

5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F

6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F

7. Semen is another word for "sailor". T F

8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". T F

9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F

12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F

14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". T F

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F

16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F

17. An organism is the person who accompanies the
chior in church. T F

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. T F

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F

20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their
new government officials. T F

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T
F

23. Pornography is the business of making record
albums. T F

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F

25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". T F

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

If you answered T to any of these questions, you might be a Hillbilly.

 

[Jack_Samuel]

my sister should have made her new bf take the above test before they began dating.

 

[redpaint]

Even more useless Information

1. The practice of eating insects is called entomophagy.
Most insects are edible. There are 1,462 recorded species of edible insects. And they're quite nutritious. For instance, 100 grams of cricket contains only 121 calories, less than half of beef. A cricket contains only 5,5 grams of fat, compared to 21,2g of beef. Beef contains more protein (23,5g - a cricket 12.9g) but the 100g of cricket also contains 5,1g of carbohydrates, 75,8 mg calcium, 185,3 mg phosphorous, 9,5 mg iron, thiamin, riboflavin, and niacin.

2. Mid-men, the male versions of mid-wives, are called accouchers.


3. The working section of a piano is called the action.


4. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.


5. The distance that a place holder falls from a glass when it is lifted (you know, place holders sometimes get stuck to the bottom of a cold glass when you lift the glass) is called a bevemeter.


6. The study of creatures such as Bigfoot, the chupacabra, and the Loch Ness monster is called cryptozoology. Zoologist Bernard Heuvelmans coined the term to describe his investigations of animals unknown to science.


7. The apparatus used in alcohol distilleries for freeing the spirit from water is
called the dephlegmator.


8. One that speaks two languages - is bilingual - can be said to be diglot.


9. Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes.


10. Shoemakers are commonly called cobblers but correctly speaking a cobbler is a shoe repairmen. A shoemaker is a cordwainer.

 

[redpaint]

New Economic Lingo - the Crisis Special


1. CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.


2. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.


3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius.


4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no
jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps
crashing.


7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
themselves.

11. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


12. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


13. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


14. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


15. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per
share.


16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Last year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


17. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

 

[redpaint]

Even more useless Information Part 2

11. The device at the intersection of two railroad tracks to permit the wheels and
flanges on one track to cross or branch for the other is called a frog.


12. A specific length of thread or yarn according to the type of fiber is called a hank.
For linen, a hank is 274 metres (300 yards); for cotton, it is 768 metres (840 yards).


13. The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.


14. The thin line of cloud that forms behind an aircraft at high altitudes is called a
contrail.


15. A depth of 2 fathoms (3,6 metres) is called a Mark Twain. Originally a fathom was the
space reached by with two arms outstretched.


16. In the early days of film making, people who worked on the sets were called movies.
The films were called potion pictures.


17. The tendency of the leaves or petals of certain plants to assume a different position
at night is called nyctitropism.


18. The back of the human hand is the opisthenar.


19. Someone who uses as few words as possible when speaking is called pauciloquent.


20. People that study fish are called ichthyologists.


21. The pin that holds a hinge together is called a pintle.


22. The gland responsible for producing the hormone that regulates growth is called the
pituitary gland. It is the size of a pea.


23. A melody is a group of notes in a certain order that results in a sweet or agreeable
sound. An easily remembered melody is called a tune.


24. Compulsive shopping was identified by a German psychiatrist almost a hundred years
ago. Clinically it is known as oniomania. Shopaholics are the people who do not
suffer from chrematophobia, which is the fear of touching money.


25. In early France the distance a man could walk while smoking one pipeful of tobacco
was called a pipee.


26. The central shaft of a bird's feather which bears the vane or web of the feather is
called a rachis.


27. The small cup in which an espresso is served is called a demitasse.


28. A philologist studies linguistics and etymology.


29. The hairless area of roughened skin at the tip of a bear's snout is called the rhinarium.


30. Someone who habitually picks their nose is called a rhinotillexomaniac (rhino = nose,
tillexis = habit of picking at something, mania = obsession with something)


31. A building in which silence is enforced, like a library or school room, is referred
to as a silentium.


32. The ear-splitting sound produced by the high notes of a bagpipe is called a skirl.


33. The fleshy projection above the bill on a turkey is called a snood.


34. People who chase after rare birds are called twitchers.


35. gills of ale and beer is 1 pint, 2 pints = 1 quart, 4 quarts = 1 gallon, 9 gallons
= 1 firkin, 2 firkins = 1 kilderkin, 3 kilderkins = 1 hogshead, 2 hogsheads = 1 butt.

 

[redpaint]

Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies


1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.


2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed
so I can be promoted to our management team.


4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


5. Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each
additional word in your message.


6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over
and over....)


7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately
19 weeks.


8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.


9. I've run away to join a different circus.


10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

 

[redpaint]

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON
LANETHIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMBOR THE KIND
YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

 

[redpaint]

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

 

[redpaint]

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
kill you too!

 

[redpaint]

Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day!

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline,
who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say,
she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do,
when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff
it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted
the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber
dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing
but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my
asshole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!

Tight lines and calm seas,
Richard

 

[redpaint]

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."

 

[redpaint]

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)

 

[redpaint]

NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the
last sentence!)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.

 

[redpaint]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as
I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
farted.

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks Red! Some funny stuff, and I also learned a lot. Always good to hear from you.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

What a Scotsman wears under his Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after
finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub.
He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a
tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud
snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always
wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his
kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend
said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him
for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently
tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while
later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of
nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the
sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a
minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been
laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst
prrrize!"

 

[DG Hear]

> HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

> You have to try this.
> It is absolutely true.
> I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

> You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.
> I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic
> surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

> 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are
> GOOFY......)and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.
> Your foot will change direction.

> I told you so!!!
> And there's nothing you can do about it!
> You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

 

[DesertPirate]

GOOD NEWS

Your income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th :-(

However there has been a recent change, and for the next 4 years, they will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position (possibly not even then -- this is still a developing situation)

Please check with your personal tax advisor to confirm your status.

--------------------

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

 

[TE999]

A man boards a plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asks a blonde flight attendant if she would put them in the planes refrigerator. She agrees.

Then he gives her a lecture about how she is personally responsible for the crabs remaining frozen and if they thaw out he's a lawyer and will sue her and the airline.

The flight attendant assures him they will not thaw out, but she's pissed off.

When the plane lands in New York, she gets on the intercom and says "Will the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand?"

Not a hand is raised, so she took the crabs home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1) Men never learn.
2) Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think they are.