Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Medical Testing Lab.

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?

”Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward was sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, do what you like but for God’s sake don't sleep with him."

 

[DG Hear]

Carnation Milk

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....". She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

HER ENTRY WAS:
“Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull no, no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.”

 

[Weird Harold]

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

A cute story and catchy jingle , but it's probably much older than the 40's or at least a decade later when Carnation gained national notice as sponsor of the Burns and Allen show in the 50's:

Carnation brand milk products were first produced by the Pacific Coast Condensed Milk Company in Kent, Washington, founded by Elbridge Amos Stuart[1] in 1899. The company was renamed Carnation Evaporated Milk Company, and the town of Carnation, Washington, was later named for the Carnation breeding and research farms near the town.

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks for the Info, Harold. Always good to learn something.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A Diary Entry of a True Heroine who saved 1600 lives....

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my
pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY... DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino! Did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... FOUR times!

 

[DG Hear]

confidence and confidential

One day Junior asked Dad,

"What is the difference between confidence and confidential?"

Dad answered,

"You are my son - that is confidence and your friend is also my son, that is confidential."

 

[DG Hear]

Big surprise! Sent to me by a woman

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY nocologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?

 

[redpaint]

I know this joke has been told many times in different ways but in the spirt of the season its still funny.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila



Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.





Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.




If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
Who geeves a sheet .

Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.



Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.





Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

 

[TE999]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood. All the other bats smelled the blood and kept pestering him about where he got it. All he wanted to do was sleep, but they kept asking until he gave in.

"Ok, follow me," he said and flew off with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest. He slowed down and hovered before a huge tree.

"Now, do you see this tree here?"

"Yes! Yes!" the bats screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat disgustedly, "Because I sure didn't."

 

[redpaint]

We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.

Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.

Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.

Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.

Six shiny snails sighed sadly.

Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.

Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.

Six seals slick sick seals.

How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?

Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.

I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.

I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.

Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!

Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?

 

[redpaint]

10 Office Rules:

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

 

[redpaint]

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...

And then he stuffed the turkey.

 

[redpaint]

Women's Christmas Wishes

Dear Father Christmas:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit when he is wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask: "How fat is my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!
I wish that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I know You will send him before it's too late.

 

[TE999]

Lawyer Jokes

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

**
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the dog.

**
How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?

Ask him/her if they're a member of the bar.

**
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

**

What's the diference between a lawyer and a vampire?

Vampires only suck blood at night.

**
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?

A. Lawyers are more plentiful.

B. The technicians don't get as attached to them.

C. There are some things rats just won't do.

**

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying to you?

His/her lips are moving.

 

[redpaint]

Men's Christmas Wishes

As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, Once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
So I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

 

[redpaint]

A True Christmas Story

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[DG Hear]

Womem and their asses

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:
10% of women think their ass is too small...
85% of women think their ass is too big...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.



"A smile is a curved line that puts everything straight."

 

[DG Hear]

Fur Coat

"That's real a beautiful fur coat," a friend remarked, "but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"

The women replied, "Why are you suddenly worried about MY husband?"

 

[DG Hear]

One more and...

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas haven't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

 

[DG Hear]

Funny Signs

Some of these are good! Others not so good. haha

Advertised on the side of a city bus:
"Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."

Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia was:
"Arts Degrees - please take one."

In downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said:
"Closed for the Holidays".

At a Pub in Australia:
Sexual harassment will not be prosecuted. However, it will be graded.

Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate:
"If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!"

Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta:
"We Have Japanese Body Parts!"

In a pub toilet in Llanelli, west Wales:
"Yesterday, the bottom fell out of my world, so I drank 8 pints of Felinfoel Ale and this morning, the world fell out of my bottom."

On an older compact car was the bumper sticker:
"This car is constipated, it can't pass anything"

 

[DG Hear]

Valentine Surprise

Ok, I know it's Christmas Season but I didn't want to wait till February to post this.
DG


At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but I think I will pass,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your stupid a**.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.

 

[DG Hear]

Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.​

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.​

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.​

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.​

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.​

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.​

Every time I utter the dirty word, 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.​

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.​

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she?'​

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.​

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,
just getting "over the hill" . ​

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.​

AND​

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.​

 

[TE999]

A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your particular choice, but with the respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion, as well as those who choose not to practice any religion at all.

Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of other cultures, whose contributions have made our society great, without regard to race, creed, color, religion or sexual orientation.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawl. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not participating in or caught up in the holiday spirit.)

 

[DG Hear]

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your particular choice, but with the respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion, as well as those who choose not to practice any religion at all.

Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of other cultures, whose contributions have made our society great, without regard to race, creed, color, religion or sexual orientation.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawl. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not participating in or caught up in the holiday spirit.)

...And A Very Merry Christmas and A Joyous New Year to you Tom

 

[DG Hear]

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.


Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."