Humor Thread

[redpaint]

three men die on christmas eve, and meet St. Peter before the pearly gates. "in honor of this holy season" says St. Peter, "each of you must possess something that symbolizes christmas to pass into heaven." the first man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter and flicks it. "this represents a candle." "you may enter," says St. Peter. the second man pulls out a set of keys and shakes them. "these are bells," he says. "you may enter," says St. Peter. the third man searches desperately through his pockets, and pulls out a pair of woman's panties. "and just what do those symbolize?" asks St. Pster, with a raised eyebrow. the man replies, "these are carols."

 

[redpaint]

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.



The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.



Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse....'

 

[redpaint]

Top 25 Laughable McPalin quotes

1. "Our economy, I think, is still - the fundamentals of our economy are strong." - John McCain, Jacksonville, Fla., Sept. 15, 2008



2. "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should. I've got Greenspan's book." - McCain, as quoted in the Boston Globe, Dec. 17, 2007



3. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where - where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." - Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS News's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008



4. "[Sarah Palin] knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America. ... And, uh, she also happens to represent, be governor of a state that's right next to Russia." ―McCain on Palin's foreign policy experience, interview with WCSH-6, Portland, OR, Sept. 12, 2008



5. "They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan." - Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in San Francisco, Oct. 5, 2008



6. "Well, let's see. There's - of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but - " - Palin, unable to name a Supreme Court decision she disagreed with other than Roe vs. Wade, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008



7. "I think - I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where - I'll have them get to you." - McCain, after being asked how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own, interview with Politico, Las Cruces, N.M., Aug. 20, 2008



8. "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you." - Palin, asked by Katie Couric to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation in his 26 years in the Senate, CBS interview, Sept. 24, 2008



9. "All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years." - Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Sept. 30, 2008



10. "I think if you're just talking about income, how about $5 million?" - McCain, after being asked by Rev. Rick Warren to define "rich," Lake Forest, California, Aug. 16, 2008



11. "Maybe a hundred...That would be fine with me." - McCain, to a questioner who asked if he supported President Bush's vision for keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for 50 years, Derry, New Hampshire, Jan. 3, 2008



12. "Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan." - Pailn, on the Iraq war, speaking to students at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008



13. "You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." ―McCain, breaking into song after being asked at a VFW meeting about whether it was time to send a message to Iran, Murrells Inlet, South Carolina, April 18, 2007



14. "There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one." - McCain, pointing to Barack Obama during the second presidential debate, Nashville, Tennessee, Oct. 7, 2008



15. "I told the Congress, 'Thanks, but no thanks,' on that Bridge to Nowhere." - Palin, who was for the Bridge to Nowhere before she was against it, multiple speeches



16. "I was looking at the Sturgis schedule, and noticed that you had a beauty pageant, so I encouraged Cindy to compete. I told her [that] with a little luck, she could be the only woman to serve as both the First Lady and Miss Buffalo Chip." - McCain, on the annual Miss Buffalo Chip Pageant, which features topless (and occasionally bottomless) contestants, Sturgis, South Dakota, Aug. 4, 2008



17. "I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.'" - Palin, as quoted by former City Council Member Nick Carney, after he raised objections about the $50,000 she spent renovating the mayor's office without approval of the city council



18. "I'm very, very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing ... any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that." - Palin, after an Alaska legislative report found she had broken the state's ethics law and abused her power in the Troopergate scandal, conference call with Alaska reporters, Oct. 12, 2008



19. "She's a partner and a soul-mate." - McCain on Palin, whom he had met only once before selecting her to be his running mate, "FOX News Sunday" interview, Aug. 31, 2008



20. "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt." - McCain, to his wife, Cindy, after she playfully twirled his hair and said "You're getting a little thin up there," as reported in the book The Real McCain by Cliff Schecter



21. "That's exactly what we're going to do in a Palin and McCain administration." - Palin, elevating herself to the top of the ticket, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Sept. 18, 2008



22. "We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty and sincerity and dignity." - Palin, in her speech at the Republican Convention, quoting the fascist right-wing columnist Westbrook Pegler, an avowed racist and anti-Semite who once lamented that Franklin Roosevelt's would-be assassin hit the wrong man and also expressed his hope that Robert F. Kennedy would be gunned down



23. "Honestly, I have to analyze our relationships, situations and priorities, but I can assure you that I will establish closer relationships with our friends, and I will stand up to those who want to harm the United States. ... I have a clear record of working with leaders in the hemisphere that are friends with us and standing up to those who are not. And that's judged on the basis of the importance of our relationship with Latin America and the entire region." - McCain, after being asked if he would invite Spanish President Jose Rodriguez Louis Zapatero to the White House, casting an ally of the U.S. as a potential enemy while simultaneously confusing Spain for a Latin American country, interview with Radio Caracol Miami, Sept. 17, 2008



24. "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" - Palin, interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008



25. "Across this country this is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners. And the same standards of clarity and candor must now be applied to my opponent." - McCain, Bethlehem, Penn., Oct. 8, 2008

 

[redpaint]

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!

 

[redpaint]

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!"

Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting."

The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

 

[redpaint]

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)

 

[redpaint]

(CBS) Andy Rooney is known to millions for his wirey, humorous and sometimes controversial essays that have been the signature end piece of 60 Minutes for decades:



1. Rooney on Monica - Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.



2. Rooney on Vegetarians - Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter."



3. Rooney on Prisoners - Did you know that it costs $40,000 a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that s hooked up to the generator.



4. Rooney on Fabric Softeners - My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.



5. Rooney on morning differences - Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!



6. Rooney on Grandma - My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you! wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.



7. Rooney on answering machines - Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: 'Share the love'." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."



"A day without laughter is a day wasted!" ~ Charlie Chaplin

 

[redpaint]

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."





A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."





When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.





A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .





A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."





A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."





Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."





Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.





If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.





Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.





First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."





"A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"





AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

 

[redpaint]

Poem to MOM



My son came home from school one day,

With a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

To put me in my place.





'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

that's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today,

The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'





It says I need not clean my room,

Don't have to cut my hair

No one can tell me what to think,

Or speak, or what to wear.



I have freedom from religion,

And regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

And I sure don't have to pray.



I can wear earrings if I want,

And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

Get tattoos from head to toe.



And if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges,

With the marks on my behind.



Don't you ever touch me,

My body's only for my use,

Not for your hugs and kisses,

that's just more child abuse.



Don't preach about your morals,

Like your Mama did to you.

That's nothing more than mind control,

And it's illegal too!



Mom, I have these children's rights,

So you can't influence me,

Or I'll call Children's Services Division,

Better known as C.S.D.'



Mom's Reply and Thoughts:



Of course my first instinct was

To toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson

Made me think a little more.



I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face,

he's messing with a pro.



Next day I took him shopping

At the local Goodwill Store..

I told him, 'Pick out all you want,

there's shirts & pants galore.



I've called and checked with C.S.D

Who said they didn't care

If I bought you K-Mart shoes

Instead of those Nike Airs



I've canceled that appointment

To take your driver's test.

The C.S.D. Is unconcerned

So I'll decide what's best.



' I said 'No time to stop and eat,

Or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

To make your own sack lunch.



Just save the raging appetite,

And wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions,

A favorite dish of mine.'



He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,

To watch on my DVD?'

'Sorry,

but I sold your TV, For new tires on my car.



I also rented out your room,

You'll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. Requires

Just a roof over your head.



Your clothing won't be trendy now,

And I'll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

Will buy me something neat.



I'm selling off your jet ski,

Dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',

It's in effect today!



Hey hot shot, are you crying,

Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out,

Instead of C.S.D..?'



Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ....I love this One!! !

MOM (Mean Old Mother.)

 

[Emperor_Nero]

The following are a series of jokes I heard the other day ... they are all unrelated and some funnier than others. Enjoy.
***
A woman gets on an elevator and asks the man standing inside, “Can I smell your balls?”
He indignantly replies, “No ma’am, you can not.”
She says, “Then it must be your feet.”
***
The ugliest woman in the world walks up the counter in a retail store with her two sons and the clerks asks, “Are they twins?”
“One is 14, the other is six,” the woman said. “It’s obvious they don’t look like twins with their difference is age. Why would you say such a thing?”
“I’m sorry,” the clerk says. “I just couldn’t believe that anyone would fuck you twice.”
***
I saw Michael Richards the other day and I said I’d heard he was trying stand-up again.
He said yes, so I asked him if his act was funny.
He said, “I think so, but then I’m prejudiced.”
***
A boy turned 16 and went to his father and said he had just gotten his driver’s license and he’d like to use the family car.
Now his father, who was also a minister, said that he understood the boy’s desire to drive, but there were some things he thought were more important first.
“First I’d like to see you get your grades up,” his father said. “Then, I think it would do you some good if you spent some more time reading the Bible and learning its stories. And lastly, you need a good haircut.”
Six months went by and the son again asked his father about the car.
“Well, son, I’m very proud of you,” his father said. “Your grades have improved and I’ve been watching you and you’ve been spending a good amount of time reading the bible, but you still need a haircut.”
“Thank you dad for noticing all that,” the son said. “But there were several things I noticed spending all of that time reading the Bible. Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair and even Jesus Christ had long hair.”
“And if you noticed,” the father responded. “Everywhere they went, they walked.”
***
My computer’s spell checker hates Lynyrd Skynyrd
***
Two racehorses, side by side start talking.
One horse says, “My hindquarters are really hurting.”
The Second horse says, “You just ran a race today, right?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Well, when I ran a race a couple of weeks ago, my hindquarters hurt too.”
Then a Dog walks by and says, “You idiots! They’re giving you drugs, giving you shots of speed in your ass and that’s why you won the race.”
And the first horse turns to the second and says, “Wow, look at that, a talking dog.”
***
People always say I’m strange because I like to leave my socks on when I have sex.
In my opinion, what difference does it make – it’s only me and the computer there anyway.
***
Creationists believe in every word Genesis says and take it as Gospel truth
I never thought Phil Collins was all that significant.
***
Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking himself and the first guy says, “Man, I wish I could do that.”
Then the Second guy says, “Maybe you should pet him first.”
***
A Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “You know we’ve got a drink named after you?”
And the Grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink called Steve?”
***
What’s ET short for?
His legs are only this big.

 

[DesertPirate]

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down, and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says, "Use two hands, you'll get more."

 

[Bakeboss]

Husband comes Home

One day, two women were sitting on the front porch of their apartment house . One looked down the street to see her husband coming home carrying a bouquet of flowers. She said
"Here comes by god damn no good husband coming home with flowers again. This means I will be on my back with my legs spread all night."
The second woman said
"That's funny, I always use a vase."

 

[foxseeker]

The Indian With One Testicle

The Indian With One Testicle







There once was an Indian who had only one testicle




and whose given name was 'Onestone'.. He hated that




name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.







After years and years of torment, Onestone finally




cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone




again I will kill them!'







The word got around and nobody called




him that any more.







Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird




forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He




jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into




the forest where he made love to her all day and




all night. He made love to her all the next day,




until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.







The word got around that Onestone meant what




he promised he would do. Years went by and no




one dared call him by his given name until A woman




named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being




away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was




overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him




and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'







Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,







then he made love to her all day, made love to her all




night, made love to her all the next day, made love to




her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!















Why ???













OH, come on... take a guess !!!













Think about it !!!













You're going to love this !!!













Everyone knows...




You can't kill Two Birds




with OneStone !!!

 

[DesertPirate]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .




(scroll down)











"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[redpaint]

Subject: Quiz answers
>
> If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science
> exam answers
>
> Q: Name the four seasons.
> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>
> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
> drink.
> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
> pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>
> Q: How is dew formed?
> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
>
> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!) A:
> Keep it in the cow.
>
> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
> tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
> an d nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
>
> Q: What are steroids?
> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>
> Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
>
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
>
> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> A: Premature death.
>
> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ! ( e.g., abdomen)
> A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax
> and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
> contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
> five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
>
> Q: What is the fibula?
> A: A small lie.
>
> Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
> A: Nearby.
>
> Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
> A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
>
> Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

[redpaint]

May have posted this one before, can't remember, but its still funny.


A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.

The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

[redpaint]

One weekend, a husband, and wife were up in the mountains and had been out for a walk.

As soon as they got in, the husband complained that his hands were cold.

Go on, said his wife. You can put your hands between my legs to warm them up.

A little while later, the man went out to get some firewood, and complained of cold hands when he came back.

You can put your hands between my legs, said his wife, so he did.

A while little later, he went to go get some apple cider at the store. When he came back, he said his hand were cold.

Finally, his wife exploded, Why can t your ears ever be cold!?!

 

[redpaint]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, I don t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I m stuck.

His friend said, I have an idea! Why don t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She ll probably be thrilled.

Adam decided to his friend s advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, Well? Did you take my suggestion?

Yes, I did, Adam replied.

Did she like it?

Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling I ll be back in an hour!!

 

[redpaint]

An owner offered one hundred dollars to anyone who could make his horse laugh.

Only one man was up for the challenge and he took the horse into a room and when he brought the horse out it was laughing so hard it pissed on the floor.

The owner said he d give another hundred dollars if the man could make the horse cry.

The man took the horse into the same room and when he brought it out, the horse was crying a river.

How did you do it? asked the owner.

Well, the man replied, to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him.

 

[redpaint]

Everything I Need to Know
I Learned in Corporate America





1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.



2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.



3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.



4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.



5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.



6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.



7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.



8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.



9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.



10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.



11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.



12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.



13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.



14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.



15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.



16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.



17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.



18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.



19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.



20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.



21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.



22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.



23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.



24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.



25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.



26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.



27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.



28. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.



29. Never pass a snow plow on the right.



30. If you can smile when everything goes wrong, you probably don't understand the problem.



31. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."



32. Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

 

[DesertPirate]

Texas Rancher



A Texas rancher was out working when a car pulls up and a man comes
over. The man says "I'm with the Department of Natural Resources, and
I need to check out your property for allocation of water rights."

The rancher says "Sure, go ahead, just don't go in that field over
there."

The man whips out his wallet and says angrily, " DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS CARD MEANS? IT MEANS I HAVE THE FULL POWER OF THE GOVERNMENT
AND I CAN GO WHEREVER I WANT TO, AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT
IT. GOT IT?"

The rancher politely says ok and lets him go on his way.

A few minutes pass when the rancher hears an awful screaming noise
and looks up from his work to see the man running for his life out
in the field with a large bull bearing down on him.

The rancher drops his tools and runs over to the fence and yells,

"Your card! Show him your card!"

 

[DesertPirate]

Bucks

A Michigan familyof football supporters head out one
Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the
son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've
decided to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his
mother. "Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would likethis
jersey for Christmas".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father."Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this
jersey for Christmas".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and
says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an Buckeye fan for an hour and I already
hate you Michigan bastards."

 

[DesertPirate]

For those who don't know about history ... here is a condensed version:




Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was
invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning
of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's
and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals
are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher
also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red
meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes,
Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of
the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.


A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately
to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self...

 

[glynndah]

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

[DesertPirate]

Washington, DC - President Elect Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.

The Americans With No Abilities Act. AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.

Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills whatsoever, making this agency the single largest U.S employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the 'Inept' include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%).

At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle - management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember 'rightey tightey, lefty loosey.' ' This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'