Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Student nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

 

[redpaint]

Once there was a man who was in love with a beautiful woman and he wanted to marry her. The woman told him that befor they could get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer.
So the next day the man went to the farmer and said, "Sir I love your daughter very much and I would like to ask for her hand in marriage." The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said, "I will let you marry her, but first you must compleat a test." Willing to do anything to be able to marry the girl the man aggred.
The farmer said, "first you must jump the fence, swim the river and make love to the cow in the barn." The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it. When he got finished he asked the farmer, "Ok now can I marry your daughter?" The farmer couldn't belive that the man had acutally done those things and thinking it was funny he told the man to do it again!
So the man jumped the fence, swam the river, and made love to the cow, again! When he was finished the man went back to the farmer and asked "Now may I marry your daughter?" By this time the farmer was amazed that the man did all that a second time, and wondered if he would do it a third, so the farmer said, "Ok if you do all that one more time I will let you marry my daughter."
So the man did it again. He jumped the fence, swam, the river, and made love to the cow. When he came back to the farmer this time, the farmer said, "Ok now you can marry my daughter." The man said, "To hell with you daughter how much do you want for the cow?"

 

[redpaint]

An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.


The 8 pointer says, 'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.


The 4 pointer says, 'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!'


The Button buck says, 'My two are alright, better than nothing I guess.'


Then all of a sudden a GIANT 25 point non-typical buck walks out into the field. The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe. The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a phone pole and snapped it off at the ground! The three bucks looked on in amazement.


The 8 pointer says, 'I could probably get by with 4 does... Who really needs 10 anyways?


The 4 pointer says, 'You know.. come to think of it, I could only really use one or two of mine!' The button buck was silent, the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.


Suddenly the yearling runs out into the middle of the field! He rips and tears up some grass... pisses all over the place, snorts & wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree and chews a lickin branch clean off! Then he runs back over to his two buddies. His friends immediately jump him, 'What the hell are you doing!?'


'I'm just makin' sure that big sumbitch knows I'm a buck!'

 

[redpaint]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent 20 years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.



So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.' The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.' The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives getting it on. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.' The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.



The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'

 

[DesertPirate]

*snerk*

 

[redpaint]

Senior Sex......................

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you' 'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep and eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on to the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' ------

 

[DesertPirate]

Senior Sex......................

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you' 'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep and eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on to the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' ------

Oh shit!

 

[TE999]

Understanding the stock market

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.00 each.

The villagers began catching monkeys and the man bought thousands of them for $10.00. Soon the supply dwindled and the villagers stopped catching them as it had become too difficult.

Then the man said he would pay $20.00 per monkey, so the villagers redoubled their efforts and soon there were very few monkeys left to catch.

The man increased his payment to $30.00, and soon there were no monkeys to be seen, much less catch.

The man announced that he was now paying $50.00 for every monkey, but since he had to return to the city, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in this big cage the man has bought. I will sell them to you for $35.00 each and when the man returns you can sell them to him for $65.00 each."

The villagers pooled their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

 

[redpaint]

> > > MY PRIVATE PART DIED
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
> > >
> > > One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
> > >
> > > Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
> > >
> > > 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.
> > >
> > > 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
> > >
> > > Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little
crazy,
> > > she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'
> > >
> > > The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private
> > > Part
> > > hanging out of his pajamas.
> > >
> > > He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
> > > 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
> > >
> > > Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
> > >
> > > 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
> > > 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
> > >
> > > 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
> > > but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
> > >
> > > (You've gotta love this .)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

 

[redpaint]

Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Share this with all the good apples you know.

 

[redpaint]

A guy got a new car radio so he only had to say the type of music and it would come on. So one day, he decided to try it out. He said "Jazz" and jazz came on.

Then after a while, he got sick of that and said "Hip-Hop" and Hip-Hop came on.

He went to the shops and saw 3 kids kicking the shit out of a phone box. He said angrily, "Fucking kids!" and Michael Jackson came on.

 

[redpaint]

Confucius Say:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

 

[redpaint]

OLDER THAN DIRT


LightningBugs / Older 'n Dirt!!



'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'



'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'



'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'



By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:



Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.



My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.



I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.. It's still the best pizza I ever had.



We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine.'



I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.



Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.



All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at

4 AM

every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.



Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them



If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.



Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?




MEMORIES from a friend:



My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.



How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of th e fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about

Ratings at the bottom.

1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diner s with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. D rive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends...

 

[DesertPirate]

Just because I never saw Blackjack chewing gum, Studebakers on the road, or newreels in person, doesn't mean I'm older than dirt!

The fact that I do remember the rest proves it!

 

[redpaint]

At the end of a long work week, a group of coal miners discovered that one of them, Young Billy, was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn't right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going out for a night on the town; got him all cleaned up, and drove to the local brothel.

Upon entering, the ring leader went to the Madame, explained the situation and gave her ?100. She assured him she would fix Billy up right; so they all left Billy there to enjoy himself.

Being naive, Billy asks the madame what's going on. She explains to him that he is about to become a man, courtesy of his friends.
"All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you."
Well, Billy looks around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picks a likely looking girl to take upstairs.

Once they are in their room, the girl says to Billy," I hear you're a virgin boy. So what's your pleasure? You want missionary, Greek, doggy style, 'round the world, 69 or what?"
Billy says," Gosh ma'am, just give me what you think I oughta have."
"No Boy, I'm a professional. You need to tell me what you want."
Billy decides 69 sounds pretty good, so they settle into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Billy finally gets it right and is starting to enjoy. Sadly the whore had beans for tea and lets loose a little fart in his face.
Billy shakes his head, thinking it's part of the fun, and continues lickin' away.
A little while later, she passes wind again.
Billy still thinks it's part of the fun and dives back in with a vengeance, lickin' like there's no tomorrow.
A few minutes later,she really lets loose with a fart that curls Billy's eyebrows.

He pushes her off of his face and says, "Ma'am, I don't want you to think I'm not enjoyin' myself or anything but I'm buggered if I can take another 66 of those."

 

[redpaint]

Ben has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start kissing and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"No way!" she says. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong ? !" she cries.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

 

[redpaint]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,

"I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs in Order."

 

[redpaint]

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: - "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?"

The Lady (getting embarrassed), "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer, "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day ?"

The Lady, "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer, "I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

 

[redpaint]

One Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking...but I've stopped fishing.

 

[redpaint]

A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.

"Hi Missus I've come for the paper money, it's ?5 please." says our boy, with his hand held out.

"I'm afraid I've no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice, "but if you come in I'm sure I can think of something..."

So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..."

The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.

"What are they for?" asks the woman.

"Oh, they're just to make sure I don't go all the way in when I shag you." replies the boy.

"To hell with them! implores the woman, "I'll take all of you!"

Our lad replies...
"Not for five fucking quid you wont!"

 

[redpaint]

6 Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.




2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.





3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.





4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.





6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot and I needed company ..

 

[redpaint]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

 

[redpaint]

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red Adare'. Red Adare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O'Dare from County Mayo in Ireland.

An Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the oil fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost ?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' £10,000" "Great" said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden a transit with four Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the transit drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out and stamped the fire out. The Arabs watched with amazement and just a little later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddys walked to the Arabs and one said...."Wow..that was rough !"

The Arab, while writing the check for £10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money ?"
Paddy Replied: "Well, first off I'm going to buy a new set of brakes for the Transit !"

 

[redpaint]

A young couple are flying to Bali to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

A little later, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy to be honest with each other. They went on to Bali and got married on the beach. On their wedding night, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's wedding tackle and the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she recovered the guy said "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint ?
"The girl said "You told me it was just like a baby".
The guy replied "Yes, 8 pounds in weight and 21 inches long."

 

[redpaint]

Hillbilly to the Rescue



Two hillbillies walk into a restaura nt. While having a bite to eat, they
talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya
swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'