Humor Thread

[Xavier_Carter]

Military Rules By Service

Military Rules By Service:

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules :

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

( And I Love This Next One)

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines ....

 

[JackLuis]

Dont Go Yet

Wired and wired.......???????????????

And while I'm here, I thought this was called the 'humor' thread? Some very very very unfunny and offensive crap on here, and one or two people with way too much time on their hands.

I won't be dropping in here again any time soon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't Go Yet

If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?

 

[redpaint]

Wired and wired.......???????????????

And while I'm here, I thought this was called the 'humor' thread? Some very very very unfunny and offensive crap on here, and one or two people with way too much time on their hands.

I won't be dropping in here again any time soon.

BYE-BYE

 

[redpaint]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tyre. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of pounds against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

 

[redpaint]

An old sea story



There's an old sea story in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the field, and afterward told the 'Gunny' that the men smelled bad.



The lieutenant suggested the solution is that they should change underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!'



The Gunny went straight to the squad and announced, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.



Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!'



THE MORAL: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

 

[redpaint]

New Yorkers have such a dim outlook on life because...





the light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

 

[redpaint]

The non-elitist real pro-Americans are speaking out!





YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare. I am an American.

I am a Master Mason and believe in God.

I ride Harleys Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.



I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.


I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.


My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth , Roy Rogers, and

Willie G Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.



I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.



I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA ..

We like it the way it is!



If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.

Can I get an AMEN on that one?




I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.


I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I believe the president of the United States should put his hand over his heart and say the pledge of alegance and should have no reservations about wearing American flag pins on his lapel.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. Get a Job and do your part!

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !



If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We want our country back!



We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!




WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE,
ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE

 

[redpaint]

How to get a man's attention!

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?







It's because she smells like a new truck.

 

[redpaint]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.

 

[TE999]

To everyone who enjoys a glass of wine...and those who don't.

Benjamin Franklin once remarked: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled tests, scientists have determined if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli)---bacteria found in feces---in other words, you would have consumed one kilo of poop.

We do not run that risk however, when drinking wine, beer, rum, whisky, tequila or any other liquor. Alchohol is distilled, therefore it goes through a purification process of boiling, filtering or fermenting.

Therefore, Water=poop...Wine=health. It's better to drink wine and talk stupidly, than drink water and be full of shit.

No need to thank me for this valuable information...I'm presenting this as a public service.

 

[redpaint]

Chester zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred pounds? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred quid."

 

[redpaint]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "

 

[DesertPirate]

Military Rules By Service:

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules :

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

( And I Love This Next One)

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines ....

The Navy is the smartest service!

 

[redpaint]

The Navy is the smartest service!

Ehhh, What can I say Marines We'er just crazy.

 

[TE999]

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were, an Engineer. an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government employee.

To show off, the engineer said "T-square. Do your stuff."

The cat jumped onto a drawing board, took out a pencil and paper, and drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

The Accountant said " Not bad. Watch this. Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

The cat ran to the kitchen, returned with a dozen cookies and placed them in four piles of three each.

The Chemist said "That's pretty good. Measure, do your stuff."

The cat ran to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, took a 10 oz glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8oz in it without spilling a drop.

The Government Employee said "That was impressive, but watch this. Coffee Break, do your stuff."

The cat awakened and...

Ate the cookies...

Drank the milk...

Shit on the paper...

Screwed the 3 other cats...

Claimed he'd hurt his back while screwing...

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

Put in a request for Workers Compensation...

and took sick leave for the rest of the week.


Now you know why everyone wants a government job.

 

[TE999]

It's a little late, but...

You know you're too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to ask a kid to chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy.

7. When someone drops candy in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say "Great Boris Karloff mask" and you're not wearing
one.

5. When the door opens, you yell "Trick or..." and can't remember
the rest.

4. By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only SpongeBobSquarePants in the neighborhood with
a walker.

And the Number One reason seniors shouldn't go Trick or Treating...

1. You have to keep going home to pee.

 

[JackLuis]

Harmonica Jokes?

Folks I love this thread even the Republican jokes are almost funny.

I was just wondering if there are any harmonica Jokes?

Seems to me that the Harmonica is the only instrument that plays the sweetest music when you suck it?

You are doing a service to mankind here, keep it up, Please!

 

[redpaint]

Folks I love this thread even the Republican jokes are almost funny.

I was just wondering if there are any harmonica Jokes?

Seems to me that the Harmonica is the only instrument that plays the sweetest music when you suck it?

You are doing a service to mankind here, keep it up, Please!

Thank you for your kind words. We realize not everything we post well be funny to everyone but we try to post as much as we can to cover as many differnt types of people as we can.

I see what I can do about finding you some Harmonica jokes.

 

[redpaint]

Strange Advice From the Old Farmer


* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.

Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

[redpaint]

The Neighbor's Wash



Not that we hang our laundry outdoors all that much anymore, but still there is a good lesson in this little story and I needed to be reminded.........



A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Everytime her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make similar comments.

About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and washed our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

 

[redpaint]

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So, do you play Cross or Straight harp?"

 

[redpaint]

Darth Vader on Harmonica

http://www.jibjab.com/view/197848

 

[redpaint]

This harmonica dies and goes to heaven. There's a long line at the pearly gates, and some dude is going around telling folks in line that they can check out Hell while they are waiting for their spot by just going over to the red elevator over there (points). "You know, if you don't like it, just get back on the elevator and come back up." so, the guy thinks to himself, "hey, gotta check it out...maybe it ain't so bad after all." so over he goes, gets into the elevator and down he goes... the elevator stops, he gets out and the Devil himself is there to show him around. So, off they go and pretty soon, he's thinking to himself that maybe this ain't so bad after all...they stop in at a nightclub, and there's a great little band inside who's playing their asses off. He spots some famous folks he knows... "Hey, ain't that Little Walter over there?" They leave, and he finally asks the Devil, "Wow, those cats were smokin'. This place is great! But one thing... there's got to be a catch to this...What is it?" The Devil turns to him and says, quite matter-of-factly, "No solos."

 

[redpaint]

Q. What does a harp player do in his life's most tender moments?
A. He puts his reverb on "slow".

Q. Why were vintage guitar amplifiers invented?
A. So the harp player would have a place to put his beer.


A Guitar Player says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my guitar."

His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

 

[redpaint]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300.00."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

"No, but I will for the faucet."

. . . and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot