Humor Thread

[redpaint]

An old cowboy named Dick, was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Colorado, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.



The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks th old cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"



Dick looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



20

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany



20

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



=2 0

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'



'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the old cowboy.



He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then Dick says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'



'You're a Congressman for the U.S Government', says Dick.

=2 0



'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'



'No guessing required.' answered the old cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are than I am, and yet, you don't know a thing about cows...this is a

herd of sheep. .



Now give me back my dog.

 

[redpaint]

Twas the night before elections...

'Twas the night before elections

And all through the town

Tempers were flaring

Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe

With a cat in my lap

Had cut off the TV

Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden

There arose such a noise

I peered out of my window

Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet

They wanted my pay

To give to the others

Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money

And quick as a wind

Jumped back on his bandwagon

As I gasped from the bend

He then rallied his henchmen

Who were pulling his cart

I could tell they were out

To tear my country apart!

' On Fannie, on Freddie,

On Biden and Ayers!

On Acorn, On Pelosi'

He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause

And as he flew out of sight

I heard him laugh at the nation

Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think

On this one final note-

IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM

GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

 

[redpaint]

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it IS time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper. Please wake me at 5:00 A M.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

[redpaint]

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
>>
>> "Your son is here," she said to the old man.
>>
>> She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes
>> opened.
>>
>> Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the
>> young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out
>> his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's
>> limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
>>
>> The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.All
>> through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward,
>> holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.
>> Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest
>> awhile.
>>
>>
>> He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was
>> oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking
>> of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging
>> greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
>>
>> Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said
>> nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
>>
>> Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now
>> lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she
>> did what she had to do, he waited.
>>
>> Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the
>> Marine interrupted her.
>>
>> "Who was that man?" he asked.
>>
>>
>> The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
>>
>>
>> "No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
>>
>> "Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
>>
>> "I knew right away there had been a mistake,
>> but I also knew he needed his son, and his
>>
>> son just wasn't here.
>>
>>
>> When I realized that he was too sick to tell
>> whether or not I was his son,
>> knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
>>
>>
>> The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.

 

[redpaint]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:



After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting

other

locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order

to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the

correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed

assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting

the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

 

[redpaint]

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it
was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse
were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off
the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect
his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk
out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided
it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off
the base of it." They discussed it and said that would
give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running
down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

 

[redpaint]

Hilary Clinton was taking a tour of a D.C. hospital
while working to reform healthcare in the U.S.

As she is touring, a doctor is explaining all the different
functions of the hospital to her. Eventually, they
pass an open room in the inpatient ward, where Hilary
could clearly see a middle aged man masturbating with
great enthusiasm. The doctor quickly instructed the
floor nurse to close the door. It was too late, Hilary
had already seen. She fiercely looked at the doctor
and said, "What kind of hospital are you running here
Doctor?"

The doctor calmly explained to the First Lady that the
man had a very rare ailment, which required him to ejaculate
three times daily, or his testicles would swell and
he would die.

Hilary accepted the doctor's explanation and they moved
on.

A few minutes later, they came across another open room,
yet this time they witnessed a nurse on her knees giving
a different middle aged man oral sex.

Hilary was outraged and called for an immediate explanation.

"It's very simple Mrs. Clinton", said the doctor. "This
man suffers from the same ailment as the last man, however
he has a much better health plan."

 

[foxseeker]

Old Flames.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle and developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'..........................................


So I told her to fuck off.

 

[foxseeker]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi, Jaysus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did ye have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned she says... you left your wheelchair at the pub!

 

[DesertPirate]

Repeat

 

[togitc]

Two paramedics show up at the scene of an accident to find a man bent over the hood of a car being fucked by a off duty co-worker.

"James, what are you doing?" One of the paramedics shouts.

"I'm trying to recesitate this man." James yells back.

"You are supposed to do mouth to mouth." The paramedic says.

"How do you think this got started?" James yells back.

 

[redpaint]

No Such Thing As A Free Lunch... 'The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny wrote a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[togitc]

Two men were walking to their cars after work one night when they notice a German Shepard nearby taking great car in licking his self.

"Don't you wish you could do that." The guy on the right says.

"Yeah." The other one says. "But he'd probably bite me."

 

[redpaint]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes..."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a person from the Inland Revenue"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a gonner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

[redpaint]

PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP.....

Dear Fellow Business Owners:

As a business owner who employs 120 people, we have resigned ourselves to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next president, and that our taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, we figure that the Customer will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8-10%. We will also have to lay off 25 of our employees. This really bothered us as we believe we are family here and didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what we did.

We strolled thru the parking lot and found twenty Obama bumper stickers on our employee’s cars. We have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.

We can't think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know.

We are sending this letter to all business owners that we know.

 

[redpaint]

I WONDER

I Wonder... Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

 

[redpaint]

An Affair To Remember...

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[redpaint]

Finally, a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana's
death.

Question:
How?

Answer :

An English princesswith an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven
by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian
medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a
Singapore plant,
transported by Indian
lorry-drivers, hijacked
by Indonesians, unloaded bby Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... .
That, my friends,
is Globalization!

 

[AuntieM]

Wow!
Either you're really smart, have lots of friends that have offered their observations too, or you have too much time on your hands.
Regardless, thanks for giving me something to think about this morning.

 

[redpaint]

WHAT VOTERS NEED TO KNOW

Written by Steve Baldwin

Friday, 10 October 2008

Here is what American voters need to know.


The following information has been completed on my own time and not on behalf of any group or organization. It is based upon my own research and uses contacts I have in all branches of the US government, conversations with think tank leaders, policy experts, election law attorneys, sources within the McCain campaign, and top political consultants.


Obama belonged to a Socialist Party. New Information has come out confirming that Obama was a member of a radical socialist political party in Chicago called the "New Party," composed of former Black Panther members. Several documents have confirmed Obama's membership as recently as 1996. Obama's supporters have attempted to "scrub" websites clean of this information but fortunately, researchers made copies of it before it disappeared. So far, the media is refusing to cover this story.

Obama continues to hide his past. Obama has continued to block reporters from gaining access to any and all medical, school, and even legislative records from his state senate days. The media should be screaming about this but they are not. This makes Obama the least known presidential candidate in perhaps American history. All of McCain's records have been made available.


The only thing we do know about Obama's time at Columbia University is that the title of his thesis was "Soviet Nuclear Disarmament" but he will not release it. I wonder why.

Michelle Obama has written a racist thesis. Access to Michelle Obama's senior thesis at Princeton was also blocked until recent effort by researchers to gain access to it. I can understand now why access was initially blocked.


In her thesis, Michelle identifies herself as a black separatist and is clearly hostile to the notion of blacks integrating into the larger society with all the evil whites. This is Farrakhan type racism that could have easily been written by a Klansman from a white perspective.


Do you think if Cindy McCain had written a thesis about white separatism, it would be news?


Illegal foreign contributions are pouring into Obama's campaign at an unprecedented rate. Analysis of Obama's disclosures reveal he has received around $32 million dollars from overseas, much of it from the Middle East. There are 11,500 foreign donations. 520 of the donors list their country as "IR" which is Iran. He received millions from "Palestinians" and others hostile to US policy. Such contributions are illegal and the Republican Party has asked the FEC to investigate.


Even more alarming is that $190 million of his contributions are unidentified. The donor is not listed. Many donors are clearly using fake names such as "Good, Will." The problem is that the FEC has no power to freeze Obama's campaign or even stop him from continuing to receive foreign money.


All that will happen is that Obama will be fined AFTER the campaign is over. With 10% of Obama's money coming from overseas, this means that for the first time in American history, foreigners will influence the outcome of a presidential election.


Anti-American dictators are praising Obama. Just about every anti-American dictator in the world has issued words of praise for Obama: Cu ban dictator, Fidel Castro, North Korean ruler, Kim Jong-il, Venezuelan strongman, Hugo Chavez, Libyan dictator, Moammar Qadhafi, and so forth.

Never before in American history have so many enemies of America praised a candidate for the presidency. Not only that, but an array of communist and socialist parties both here and abroad have praised him. Even terrorist groups such as the pro-Al Qaeda HAMAS and the Columbian terrorist group (and heroin producing) FARC have praised him.


And what did Obama promise in return? Such praise and endorsements do not come casually. This means that people representing Obama must have met with these groups and leaders and have promised changes in US policy favorable to them.


Obama's extremist friends go into hiding. The Obama campaign is frantically covering up all Obama's socialist and Marxist connections by keeping his wacko friends away from the press. They just need to keep Americans in the dark for one more month! Moreover, documents that show Obama's work with extremist groups are disappearing. But I don't hear our crack reporters yelling "censorship!"

Forced union dues used for Obama. The unions are gearing up for the largest campaign mobilization in US history. We now know that they have allocated over $100 million dollars of forced union dues to a massive independent effort attacking McCain and supporting Obama. On Election Day, hundreds of thousands of union workers will mysteriously call in sick and will work on getting the vote out for Obama.



Polls are showing some discouraging trends. They show that people are blaming the fiscal crisis upon the Republicans, even though Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were created by Democrats and banks were forced by Democrats to make high risk loans to low income people all in the name of "equality" and "compassion".


Indeed, it was Obama's group, ACORN, who played a key role years ago in pressuring these agencies to implement such policies. Three of the key architects of this policy are now involved with Obama's campaign. Moreover, McCain is the one who authored sweeping legislation to reform all of this and it was blocked by the Democrats.


Americans don't know who controlled Congress the last two years. Polls also show that most Americans do not know that the Democrats took power in late 2006 and thus had oversight over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac; nor do they know that the Democrats shut down every inquiry into these rogue agencies and ignored every sign of trouble.


Nor do Americans realize that right after the Democrats took control, the economy went south. Except for the foreign policy arena which the Constitution explicitly grants power to the presidency, Bush has been a lame duck for two years in all other policy areas.


Indeed, every economic indicator plunged downward AFTER the Democrats took control of Congress in 2006 - inflation, unemployment, job creation, etc, and yet, a misinformed public is blaming Bush, and by extension, McCain for the economy and sadly will be voting based upon ignorance of basic facts.


McCain is not Bush. Most Americans also do not know that McCain fought Bush on Iraq strategy, earmarks, spending, tax policy, education policy, homeland security issues, etc, etc, and that he is by far the most independent member of Congress while Obama never crossed the aisle and was just an isolated far left senator.


It is now clear that we are paying a price for the vulgarization of American culture. We have polls showing many Americans get their "news" from Saturday Night Live, John Stewart, David Letterman, Jay Leno, and even from incoherent ramblings by such popular cultural figures as Alec Baldwin, Whoopi Goldberg, and so on.


Americans engage in less serious reading and far more in entertaining themselves than any previous generation of Americans. This is truly sad and will cost our country in ways we can't even predict.


Obama has hordes of attorneys ready to challenge votes. We now know that the Obama campaign has around 10,000 lawyers volunteering to work on election monitoring. As the Kerry campaign had four years ago, there will once again be an effort to decertify absentee ballots sent in abroad from military personnel, based on petty mistakes often made with such ballots.


Thousands of military personnel were disenfranchised four years ago and since they usually vote Republican, the Obama campaign will repeat this effort.


Obama is registering thousands of illegal aliens. While the Obama campaign works hard to disenfranchise the men and women fighting to protect us from terrorism, at the same time they're working feverishly to register illegal aliens, felons, and the homeless by the hundreds of thousands.

Video clips have already appeared on You Tube showing the Obama campaign registering illiterate homeless people. Most states do not ask for proof of citizenship to register to vote, so hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens will be voting for Obama.


The group that has specialized in registering illegal aliens for a decade is, in fact, Obama's former "community service" group -- ACORN. While ACORN has been in legal trouble repeatedly for this work, the Obama campaign has contracted them out do to "voter registration." Wink, wink.


Lots of felons will be voting. Not by coincidence, democrat governors and democrat legislators are granting felons the right to vote. Just last week, the Virginian Democrat governor gave thousands of felons the right to vote. Remember, crime pays! The Governor claims this action has nothing to do with the coming election. Right.


Democrats are already disqualifying ballots in Ohio. In Ohio, the Democrat Secretary of State is already disqualifying thousands of Republican absentee ballots, claiming they didn't check some obscure box on the absentee forms. The GOP is filing suit here. But expect Republican ballots to be challenged all over the country by the legions of left wing trial attorneys who are volunteering their time to help steal the election just in case it's close.


Taxpayers groups are being ignored by the media. There are four major taxpayer groups in Washington DC that monitor taxation and spending issues full time. All have now rated Obama as one of the worst senators on tax, spending and pork issues, while also rating McCain as one of the best senators on these issues. All have issued press releases but the media has purposely ignored this story.


Obama supports gay marriage. Recently, both Obama and Biden have made false statements about opposing gay marriage. They know the vast majority of Americans oppose gay marriage, but in both private messages and private speeches, the Obama campaign has informed the homosexual community that they favor repealing DOMA.


DOMA is a federal law that if repealed, means all states will have to recognize married homosexuals who move there from states, which have already legalized homosexual marriage - like Massachusetts and California. It's a back door way of legalizing gay marriage nationwide and it's why all the radical gay groups have mobilized for Obama unlike any other candidate before.


With the exception of Fox News, none of the above-mentioned developments is being covered by the major media in any meaningful way. All have been given this information. We all know, however, that if McCain took millions of dollars from Middle Easterners, was praised by a half dozen foreign dictators, and hid all his medical and school records, there would be huge stories on TV, radio and the newspapers for weeks on end.

The media is protecting this candidate to a degree never before seen in presidential campaign history.
Predictions if Obama Becomes President I have been asked for my predictions of what will happen if Obama were to win the presidency and take solid control of both houses. Put your seatbelt on:

Jobs will leave America and job creation will decline. The capitol markets are starved for cash due to the credit crisis. What is needed mo re than anything right now is tax cuts for corporations so they can survive the coming recession. This is the worst possible time to raise corporate taxes as Obama is proposing.



Our corporate tax hikes are already among the highest in the industrialized world and this was killing us BEFORE the fiscal crisis. But Obama doesn't understand how the economy works. He views corporations as a source of funding for his social programs. Period.


If he goes through with his corporate tax hike, look for corporations to 1) Outsource jobs overseas 2) Move the entire corporate headquarters overseas, 3) Delay expansion plans, 4) Lay off workers.

Obama's proposal for a government takeover of health care insurance will send the stock market plunging in regards to health care plans, due to the instability such a proposal would create. Obama's plan will drive private plans out of existence, eventually taking over the entire health care market. Also, as in Canada and other nations with "universal" health care, the good doctors leave the profession, creating a shortage, and waiting lists will be instituted for most procedures.


The doubling of capital gains taxes will bring job creation to a grinding halt. There aren't many economists who argue with this point. But Obama doesn't seem to understand this. If this goes through, look also for the unemployment rate to rise.


There will be a flurry of lawsuits against private Christian schools, churches, etc. on the gay issues, all due to the legalization of gay marriage which creates a legal framework for a full frontal assault on American culture.


With the Obama administration using its power to promote homosexual marriage, gay attorneys will work in tandem with Obama's justice department to chip away at religious freedom, claiming gay rights now trump constitutional rights. Lawsuits will be aimed at forcing private Christian schools to admit gay teachers and to teach gay sex alongside heterosexual sex in sex ed courses.


Similarly, churches that refuse to marry gay couples will be the subjects of lawsuits as well. Indeed, gay legal groups are already laying plans for the final assault on what's left of America's Judeo-Christian culture.

Union power will have a negative impact on the economy. Obama has promised the unions he will remove the secret ballot which means unions will be able to intimidate workers as they did in the 1950s. This means more power, more money, and more demands on industry. This also means more corporations moving offshore or filing for bankruptcy.

The cumulative impact of higher corporate taxes, higher capital gains taxes, and stronger unions - on top of a severe fiscal crisis - - means America will likely have a recession lasting 3-4 years.


Criticism of Obama's agenda will be suppressed. Similarly to the Clinton administration, Obama will use the power of the government to harass opponents with IRS audits. He will also suppress criticism of his agenda by passing the "Fairness Doctrine" which will cause radio stations to remove talk shows. The talk show industry is already preparing for the assault. This is not a joke.


Illegal alien rights will be federalized. Obama has spent much of his career fighting for the "rights" of illegal aliens. There is little doubt he will use his Justice Department to fight for these "rights" which in turn will attract millions of additional illegal aliens. What little gains made in the last few years in fighting for a more secure border will be lost.


The reemergence of bogus race-based rights. Obama believes in wild racial conspiracy theories such as quotas for police arrests and pullovers, reparations for blacks based on the notion all whites are guilty of perpetrating slavery in the past, and that lending agencies based their lending policies on race instead of credit risk.


Indeed, it was the last issue used by Obama's group, ACORN, to fight for high risk lending policies, which caused the mortgage crisis we have today.

This worldview will mean that Obama's Justice Department to spend its resources on charging businessmen with racism for not hiring enough minorities, spending millions on federal studies "proving" racism in law enforcement, and going after universities for not implementing race-based admission plans.


Internal Security will be weakened resulting in America becoming more vulnerable to terrorism. Obama has been critical of our internal security apparatus, including the program that monitors the phone calls of foreign terrorists and other elements of the Patriot Act. What most Americans don't know is that Bush's aggressiveness on internal security prevented dozens of terrorist plots, many of which the public never knew about.


Obama's close ties to ACLU type attorneys make it likely that he will weaken internal security measures such as the Patriot Act. This will send an "open season" message to Islamic terrorists.


Just this week, a court has ruled that we must release terrorist prisoners from Guantanamo and grant them all the rights US citizens have. Obama supported this decision. Then we have Obama declaring in his own book (Audacity of Hope), "I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."


Gas prices will rise. Obama's hostility to drilling and nuclear power means he will rely totally on "alternative" form s of energy to meet our energy needs but there isn't an energy expert alive who will claim this will enable us to meet our energy needs anytime in the next few decades. Coupled with Obama's proposal to increase taxes on an already over-taxed oil industry - which will be passed on to consumers - you can expect to pay steep prices for gas for many years to come.
Welcome to Obama's America.


Steve Baldwin is Executive Director of the Council for National Policy.

R. Dell Miller

Director of Marketing & Geological Support

Rockhound Exploration, Inc.

Office 214.691.ROCK ext. 204

Fax 214.691.7627

 

[DesertPirate]

Thanks for the good work Red

 

[TE999]

How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a

Leah...nope.
Lee-A...no
Lay-A... Uh Uh
Lei...guess again

It's pronounced Ledasha

Yep...you heard it right. The child attends school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana and the mother is irate because all the teachers keep getting the child's name wrong. When asked about the pronunciation of the name, the mother replied "The dash don't be silent."

So if you see this name come across your desk, be sure to pronounce it correctly.

 

[TE999]

Now that I'm older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.

Turns out I just don't give a shit.

 

[redpaint]

How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a

Leah...nope.
Lee-A...no
Lay-A... Uh Uh
Lei...guess again

It's pronounced Ledasha

Yep...you heard it right. The child attends school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana and the mother is irate because all the teachers keep getting the child's name wrong. When asked about the pronunciation of the name, the mother replied "The dash don't be silent."

So if you see this name come across your desk, be sure to pronounce it correctly.

It just keeps getting wired and wired out there.

 

[matriarch]

It just keeps getting wired and wired out there.

Wired and wired.......???????????????

And while I'm here, I thought this was called the 'humor' thread? Some very very very unfunny and offensive crap on here, and one or two people with way too much time on their hands.

I won't be dropping in here again any time soon.