Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.

 

[DG Hear]

Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

 

[redpaint]

How is Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly
asked,

'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay
Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with
her nurse

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and
her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
shit.'

 

[redpaint]

A Quickie:

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude
man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing
each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky, and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her; she looks at him; and they go
running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two
return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the
pigeon down and you s--t on its head."

------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

 

[redpaint]

A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.





They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.



She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is



completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched



by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf..
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,



'Well,how was it?'



The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



'Help yourself to any prize






from the middle shelf'

 

[redpaint]

While walking through a park in New Jersey, Chris came upon another man
hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, Chris says, 'Well, OK...' So <he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and
then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw Chris handcuffed to

the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' Chris told
the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished
telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around
behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

 

[redpaint]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign r e ads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

 

[redpaint]

The Christmas Angel
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
All radiant and smiling; the angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[redpaint]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

[redpaint]

moving to nevada

a husband walks into the bedroom and ses his wife packing a suitcase. "where are you going?" he asks. the wife says, "i'm moving to nevada, i heard that prostitutes make $400 a turn for what i give you for free." the husband leaves the room, comes back with a suitcase, and begins to pack. the wife asks, "where are you going." the husband replies, "with you, i want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

 

[redpaint]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.



The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."



Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."



The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."



Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."



The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"



Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."



The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"



Chuck said, "Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."



A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"



Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."



The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"



Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."



Chuck now works for the US Treasury.

 

[redpaint]

THE JOB - URINE TEST



Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their a--, doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?



I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

Little Johnny wrote a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[redpaint]

A JOKE FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do
realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome
man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to' .

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you. ' The woman said,
'That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's
the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd
like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.




The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women aren't as smart as they think.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies
who have a good sense of humor.
Have a Magnificent Day!

 

[redpaint]

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don t you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery ?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do practice ?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn t there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections ?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal

 

[DG Hear]

Hillbilly TEN COMMENTS

Ten Commandments

Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language..... no joke, (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN )

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yer s
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's plain an' simple . Y'all have a nice day.

 

[DG Hear]

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions;

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

Polish Remover.

 

[DG Hear]

The Light Bulb Joke

The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke.

The generally acknowledged "original" goes as follows:

Q: How many [insert chosen group here] does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten — one to hold the lightbulb and nine to turn the ladder around.

There is no uniformity as to the target of derision: in America it has been the Polish people, while in Great Britain it is the Irish who are lampooned (in Wales it is the 'Cardis').

The jokes are by no means limited to English-speaking countries. For example, the Russians tell the same joke about the Moldavians, Chukchi and Ukrainians. The Ukrainians, in turn, tell it about Russians; the Spanish make fun of the inhabitants of Lepe, while the Colombians make fun of the inhabitants of Nariño, and the rest of the Spanish-speaking population laugh at the Galicians; the Brazilians mock the Portuguese; the Norwegians laugh at their Swedish neighbours, and conversely, the Swedes tell the same joke about Norwegians; the Germans target the East Frisians; The Dutch and French target their Belgian neighbours and the Indians target the Pakistanis. The Finns target everyone, including themselves.

This generic usability prompted one commentator to create the "all-purpose ethnic version" which reads as follows:

Q: How many members of a given ethnic community does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten — one to hold the lightbulb and nine to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.

Below is a listing of 10 known variations. Note that in many cases multiple answers are provided. The following list of joke variants is broadly grouped.

Nations and their armies

Q: How many armies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: At least six. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere and try again from the other side, the Russians to do most of the work, the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to pretend that nothing happened. (See WWII)

Californians

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: Six. One to screw it in and five to share the experience.
A2: None. Californians don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in hot tubs!

Los Angeles

Q: How many Los Angelinos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but his illegal housekeeper actually does it.

The Finnish

Q: How many Finns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. As soon as they note that the bulb is made of glass and has threads, they'll be too busy trying to figure out how to drink it.

The French

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Only one. He holds the lightbulb while the world revolves around him.
A2: One to change the bulb, and another to claim afterwards that he was for the bulb-changing the entire time.

Hungarians

Q: How many Hungarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: A lot. As soon as someone would get up on the ladder, the others would drag him back anyway.
A2: None. They'll just invent something with half the cost.

Iraqis

Q: How many Iraqis to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Looters already stole them all.
A2: None. Ever since Iraq was invaded by the Ohioans, there has been no electricity.

Irishmen

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.

New Jerseyites

Q: How many New Jerseyites does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Just one, but he has to take all the crap from the New Yorkers and Philadelphians who are too stupid to figure out that he is perfectly capable of doing it all by himself.
A2: It is illegal to change your own light bulbs in the state of New Jersey

New Yorker

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Whazzit to ya?
A2: 39: One to change it, 38 to stand watching without doing anything to try to stop it.
A3: None of your fucking business!

THAT PRETTY MUCH INSULTS EVERYONE.

 

[redpaint]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

[redpaint]

Cheating wife


Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

 

[redpaint]

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

 

[redpaint]

Couple of Blonde Men


A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house

 

[redpaint]

Our Tax system


Bar Stool Economics


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would paynothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that"s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers, he

said, "I"m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could

they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?" They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody"s share, then the fifth man and the sixth

man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man"s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each

should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20", declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that"s right", exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It"s unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That"s true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn"t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn"t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn"t have enough

money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for

being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 

[DG Hear]

Wedding Bells

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[DG Hear]

Short And Sweet

Q. What is the difference between ‘ohhh’ and ‘aahhh’
A. About three inches.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. Why do sluts always have navel rings?
A. They need somewhere to hang the air freshener!

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A. A licker cabinet.

Q. How is a dick like fishing?
A. Throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and mount the large ones.

Q. What did one boob say to the other boob?
A. We better stop hanging so low, they'll think we're nuts.

Q. What do women and a toilet seat have in common?
A. They are both warm when you get there, but you're always wondering who was there before you!

Q. What do hurricanes and women have in common
A. They're both wet and wild when they come, and they take the house and car when they leave.

Q. What have a KFC and women got in common?
A. Once you finished with the legs and breasts you are just left with a greasy box to chuck your bone in.

Q. What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A. You make a tire with them and call it "Good Year".

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.

Q. What do you get when you cross a whore and an onion?
A. A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.