redpaint
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Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
Emperor_Nero
Ever have 1 of those days
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
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Horse Auction
Probably a repeat but still worth a laugh.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Probably a repeat but still worth a laugh.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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DIESEL FITtER
Sven and Ole worked for the same company and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole, "I sew the elastic on the panties; Sven just puts them over his head and says:
"Yah, diesel fitter!" (Yah, these will fit her!)
Sven and Ole worked for the same company and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole, "I sew the elastic on the panties; Sven just puts them over his head and says:
"Yah, diesel fitter!" (Yah, these will fit her!)
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
To see how the belt is correctly installed look at the following illustration.
http://forum.nicestories.com/files//24107-Seat%20Belt.jpg
To see how the belt is correctly installed look at the following illustration.
http://forum.nicestories.com/files//24107-Seat%20Belt.jpg
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Smart First Grader
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade.."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first" (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade.."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first" (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
News Flash
This just in.
A trio of inmates at the Kingston penitentiary made a daring escape today by hiding in a cement mixer that was in doing repair work in the yard at the time.
Police are on the look out for three hardend criminals
This just in.
A trio of inmates at the Kingston penitentiary made a daring escape today by hiding in a cement mixer that was in doing repair work in the yard at the time.
Police are on the look out for three hardend criminals
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Viagara Ads
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun,told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis........This is your penis on drugs.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun,told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis........This is your penis on drugs.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Pocket Taser
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target..
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ~ no possible way!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD !!!!! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target..
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ~ no possible way!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD !!!!! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
Emperor_Nero
Ever have 1 of those days
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2007
- Posts
- 20,295
Praise The Lord...
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is "sternum."
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is "sternum."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
What does it take to make a woman happy?
How To Make A Woman Happy
It's not difficult...
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:
1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father
6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber
11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A gynecologist
16. a psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organizer 22. A good father
23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive
28. Gallant 29. Intelligent 30. Funny 31. Creative 32. Tender
33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36. Prudent 37. Ambitious
38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly 45. Love shopping 46. Be honest
47. Be very rich 48. Not stress her out 49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him in peace & always say yes to SEX
How To Make A Woman Happy
It's not difficult...
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:
1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father
6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber
11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A gynecologist
16. a psychologist 17. A pest exterminator 18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer 20. A good listener 21. An organizer 22. A good father
23. Very clean 24. Sympathetic 25. Athletic 26. Warm 27. Attentive
28. Gallant 29. Intelligent 30. Funny 31. Creative 32. Tender
33. Strong 34. Understanding 35. Tolerant 36. Prudent 37. Ambitious
38. Capable 39. Courageous 40. Determined 41. True 42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly 45. Love shopping 46. Be honest
47. Be very rich 48. Not stress her out 49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him in peace & always say yes to SEX
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Foreplay???
Foreplay?
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
Foreplay?
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
When Hu Became The New Leader Of China
George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleezza Rice : Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. (PRONOUNCE WHO)
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleezza Rice : Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. (PRONOUNCE WHO)
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
G
Guest
Guest
A man takes a cruise in the Caribbean. Out of the blue, his ship is struck by a freak wave and sunk. He clings to a piece of debris with one other survivor and they eventually wash up on an uncharted isle.
It turns out that his companion is none other than Christie Brinkley, on whom he's had a major crush for years. He immediately springs into action: "It might rain--let me get a hut set up for you. Then, I'll find a fresh water source. How does fish for supper sound? I'll get a fire going before I leave."
The pair remains unrescued and over time nature takes its course--they fall in love.
One day, Christie comes upon the man sitting on a rock, just staring out to sea. "Hon," she asks, "is something wrong?"
"No," he replies weakly. "I was just thinking."
"Sweetie, whatever it is, tell me. I love you, we're in this together, and I want to make you happy."
He hugs her. "You do make me happy! It's just--naw, you'll think it's silly."
"Tell me!"
"Well--would you wear my hat?"
She stares at him. "And this will make you happy?"
"It'll help."
She snatches the hat from his head and puts it on her own. "Better, now?"
"Oh, yes! But--would you wear my pants and shirt, too?" he asks sheepishly.
"I don't understand what this is about, but--yes, if it'll make you happy." She dons his clothing. "Anything else?"
"I promise, we're almost there." He looks at her. "Would you let me, uh, rub a little ash from the fire on your face?"
"This is getting seriously weird, but, OK." She submits with good grace as he decorates her jaw and cheeks. "Is that all?"
"Just one more thing, I promise! Would you turn around and start walking around the island?"
Without a word, she turns and sets off.
The man turns in the opposite direction and sprints around the entire perimeter of the island. Coming upon her, he grabs the shirt lapels, and says:
"DUDE! You are not gonna believe who I'm sleeping with!"
It turns out that his companion is none other than Christie Brinkley, on whom he's had a major crush for years. He immediately springs into action: "It might rain--let me get a hut set up for you. Then, I'll find a fresh water source. How does fish for supper sound? I'll get a fire going before I leave."
The pair remains unrescued and over time nature takes its course--they fall in love.
One day, Christie comes upon the man sitting on a rock, just staring out to sea. "Hon," she asks, "is something wrong?"
"No," he replies weakly. "I was just thinking."
"Sweetie, whatever it is, tell me. I love you, we're in this together, and I want to make you happy."
He hugs her. "You do make me happy! It's just--naw, you'll think it's silly."
"Tell me!"
"Well--would you wear my hat?"
She stares at him. "And this will make you happy?"
"It'll help."
She snatches the hat from his head and puts it on her own. "Better, now?"
"Oh, yes! But--would you wear my pants and shirt, too?" he asks sheepishly.
"I don't understand what this is about, but--yes, if it'll make you happy." She dons his clothing. "Anything else?"
"I promise, we're almost there." He looks at her. "Would you let me, uh, rub a little ash from the fire on your face?"
"This is getting seriously weird, but, OK." She submits with good grace as he decorates her jaw and cheeks. "Is that all?"
"Just one more thing, I promise! Would you turn around and start walking around the island?"
Without a word, she turns and sets off.
The man turns in the opposite direction and sprints around the entire perimeter of the island. Coming upon her, he grabs the shirt lapels, and says:
"DUDE! You are not gonna believe who I'm sleeping with!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
BIRTHDAY SURPRISE
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that.
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that.
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
No Wonder I've Lived So Long!
LOOKING AT BREASTS MAKES MEN LIVE LONGER ... says New England
Journal of Medicine.
Staring at boobs for just 10 minutes a day is equal to 30 minutes
of aerobics, says the study. Men can live longer, healthier,
happier lives by taking time out everyday to stare at women boobs!
In fact, new research published in this prestigious New England
Journal of Medicine shows that 10 minutes of ogling at a gal's
endowments provides men with a cardiovascular workout equal to a
30-minute aerobics workout in the gym. That means downing
whiskeys in a topless bar, thumbing through a Playboy magazine
or gazing at an attractive centerfold is probably better for most
men than jogging like an idiot on a treadmill !
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood
circulation," declared Dr. Karen Weatherby, the curvy German
researcher who conducted the research. She found in a
massive, five-year study of 200 men that breast-oglers had
lower blood pressure, less heart disease and a healthier pulse
rate than timid men who fear staring at women's finer points.
"There is no question that gazing at women's breasts makes men
healthier and our study proves it," explained Dr.
Weatherby. Engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts
the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by
doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to
five years."
So ladies . . . be humane . . . be kind . . . we need the
exercise .....
Guys, want to live longer... you know what to do.
LOOKING AT BREASTS MAKES MEN LIVE LONGER ... says New England
Journal of Medicine.
Staring at boobs for just 10 minutes a day is equal to 30 minutes
of aerobics, says the study. Men can live longer, healthier,
happier lives by taking time out everyday to stare at women boobs!
In fact, new research published in this prestigious New England
Journal of Medicine shows that 10 minutes of ogling at a gal's
endowments provides men with a cardiovascular workout equal to a
30-minute aerobics workout in the gym. That means downing
whiskeys in a topless bar, thumbing through a Playboy magazine
or gazing at an attractive centerfold is probably better for most
men than jogging like an idiot on a treadmill !
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood
circulation," declared Dr. Karen Weatherby, the curvy German
researcher who conducted the research. She found in a
massive, five-year study of 200 men that breast-oglers had
lower blood pressure, less heart disease and a healthier pulse
rate than timid men who fear staring at women's finer points.
"There is no question that gazing at women's breasts makes men
healthier and our study proves it," explained Dr.
Weatherby. Engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts
the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by
doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to
five years."
So ladies . . . be humane . . . be kind . . . we need the
exercise .....
Guys, want to live longer... you know what to do.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
It's Got To Be Your Ears
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed, Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and I have NO cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed, Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and I have NO cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
First Jump
There is a 19 yr. old kid that just came home from several weeks at Airborne training school. His proud Dad, an old time Vet, celebrated by taking his son to the VFW post to buy him a beer and show how proud he was of his son's accomplishment.
His Dad's vet buddys all gathered around as his Dad asked if he had any tales to tell.
The kid went on to tell them how difficult it was for him to make his first "jump".
"My Jump Master was a huge man, black as coal and meaner than a rattlesnake. I got to the exit door, and I told him I couldn't jump.
He told me I had better jump or he'd push me out. I tried again, but I just couldn't do it.
Then he told me in his meanest voice, that if I didn't jump NOW, that he would take his twelve inch long Alabama "black snake" out of his pants and shove right up my backside!"
The old vets were hanging on every word. The kids Dad finally asked, "Well, did you jump?"
The kid replied, "Yeah, a little".
There is a 19 yr. old kid that just came home from several weeks at Airborne training school. His proud Dad, an old time Vet, celebrated by taking his son to the VFW post to buy him a beer and show how proud he was of his son's accomplishment.
His Dad's vet buddys all gathered around as his Dad asked if he had any tales to tell.
The kid went on to tell them how difficult it was for him to make his first "jump".
"My Jump Master was a huge man, black as coal and meaner than a rattlesnake. I got to the exit door, and I told him I couldn't jump.
He told me I had better jump or he'd push me out. I tried again, but I just couldn't do it.
Then he told me in his meanest voice, that if I didn't jump NOW, that he would take his twelve inch long Alabama "black snake" out of his pants and shove right up my backside!"
The old vets were hanging on every word. The kids Dad finally asked, "Well, did you jump?"
The kid replied, "Yeah, a little".
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
A census taker is working his way through a neighborhood. He knocks on the door of a home and a man answers, the census guy asks the man's name and occupation.
"McCoy. I'm a cork soaker. I wet the corks so they'll fit tight in the wine bottles."
The census guy thanks him, goes to the next house and asks the same questions of the man who answers the door.
"McCoy. I'm a Coke stacker. I pile up cases of soda in the trucks so they don't fall over."
The census guy thanks him and goes to the next house. Another man answers the same questions.
"McCoy. I'm a sock tucker. When the socks are put into sacks, I tuck them in properly."
The census guy thanks him and goes to the next house. The man who answers the door says his name's McCoy.
"This is quite a coincidence," says the census taker. "So far I've met three men named McCoy. One is a cork soaker, the next is a coke stacker and the next one is a sock tucker."
"Yes," says the fourth man with a grin, "But I'm the real McCoy."
"McCoy. I'm a cork soaker. I wet the corks so they'll fit tight in the wine bottles."
The census guy thanks him, goes to the next house and asks the same questions of the man who answers the door.
"McCoy. I'm a Coke stacker. I pile up cases of soda in the trucks so they don't fall over."
The census guy thanks him and goes to the next house. Another man answers the same questions.
"McCoy. I'm a sock tucker. When the socks are put into sacks, I tuck them in properly."
The census guy thanks him and goes to the next house. The man who answers the door says his name's McCoy.
"This is quite a coincidence," says the census taker. "So far I've met three men named McCoy. One is a cork soaker, the next is a coke stacker and the next one is a sock tucker."
"Yes," says the fourth man with a grin, "But I'm the real McCoy."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Italian Virgin
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother, 'this is a job for Mama.’
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother, 'this is a job for Mama.’
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Halloween
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil", she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil", she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
One for us Short people.
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Postman Retires
After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. In his last day he went to same routine as he did for 25 years.
When he arrived the first house people gave him fishing gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived the
second house people gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement.
When he arrived at the third house a blonde lady opened the door and invited him in. They went to upstairs and had sex for two hours. Then she cooked him breakfast and handed him a dollar.
The postman was surprised, he asked: I had the greatest sex which I hadn't for years, breakfast was nice but what's up with the dollar?
The blond lady answered: Last night I was talking to my husband, I told him that today was your last day, what should we do?
Well my husband said: 'Fuck the postman! Just give him a dollar.'
'Well,' she added 'the breakfast was my idea!'
After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. In his last day he went to same routine as he did for 25 years.
When he arrived the first house people gave him fishing gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived the
second house people gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement.
When he arrived at the third house a blonde lady opened the door and invited him in. They went to upstairs and had sex for two hours. Then she cooked him breakfast and handed him a dollar.
The postman was surprised, he asked: I had the greatest sex which I hadn't for years, breakfast was nice but what's up with the dollar?
The blond lady answered: Last night I was talking to my husband, I told him that today was your last day, what should we do?
Well my husband said: 'Fuck the postman! Just give him a dollar.'
'Well,' she added 'the breakfast was my idea!'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Flying Lessons
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.
The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was really lucky.
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/broom.jpg
I don't care who you are, that's funny!
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.
The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was really lucky.
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/broom.jpg
I don't care who you are, that's funny!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Hazards Of Golf
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, the man says, it’s like this; “I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.”
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
Well. the man replies, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, the man says, it’s like this; “I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.”
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
Well. the man replies, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
- Status
