Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Prisoner Escapee

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair.

While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. "Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

 

[DG Hear]

One day a minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.

When he got home, he couldn't bring himself to tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech that her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice in his life. The first time, he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

 

[neonlyte]

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story? "

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten bucks." The guy says, "Ten bucks? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? "Because he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Red wine spew

 

[kimbalee]

Red wine spew

LMAO... I missed this one earlier. good one.

 

[DesertPirate]

Took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the
strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the
mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'........and th at's how the fight
started.

 

[redpaint]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You now, I Just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is
Excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man ho wants A chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid 20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . .you started it.'

 

[redpaint]

Three men -- A Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an American are
all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three
wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of
the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. 0D

The American says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick
and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'
l
The American sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

 

[redpaint]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees the HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, " 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown. The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him. "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice, the little guys says. "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big guy says, "I saw the curiuos look on your face and figured I'd just give the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.

The small guy says "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!"

 

[DG Hear]

president's pension

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year, until he is 80 years old.
Assuming the next president lives to age 80. Sen. McCain would receive ZERO
pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.
Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would receive $4,973,800 in pension.
Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.
How's that for non partisan thinking???

 

[DG Hear]

Redneck ART

Quite an Artist. using ribs and BBQ sauce.

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Redneck/redneckart.html

 

[epiphany65]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[epiphany65]

The Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

[epiphany65]

A Prisoner's Last Request

Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."

 

[epiphany65]

Atheist in Trouble

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

 

[epiphany65]

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.

"The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[epiphany65]

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.

"What are you doing?" the priest asks.

The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

 

[glynndah]

Sorry about the all-caps. It's copied and pasted from an e-mail I received today and I don't feel like retyping it.


CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'CON EDISON' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘BOB VILLA’ WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

 

[only_more_so]

A guy walked into a small town and happened upon a old man sitting on a bench by himself. Being a friendly sort of guy, and curious about the town, the man sat down and struck up a conversation.

They talked for a bit and the new guy said, "by the way, my name's Charley. What do they call you?"

The old man guffawed and said, "Did you come into town from the East?"

"Yes, I did."

"That bridge you walked across, I built it with my own two hands. But do they call me George the Bridge Builder?" The old man paused for dramatic effect and said, "No!"

"Did you happen to walk by the school house on your way in?"

"Yes, it was handsome looking school."

"I built that too. With my own hands. but do they call me George the School Builder?" "No!"

The old man went on, "Did you happen to walk down main street and see our church?"

"Yes, I even went inside to say a prayer for my mother. It's a beautiful church."

"I built it! But do they call me George the Church Builder?"

"Sounds like you built a lot of things in this town," the guy said.

"I built damn near everything worth anything in this town, and they won't call me a builder. But I fucked one goat---"

 

[DG Hear]

I'm glad to see so many people posting jokes and humor here. Thank you all! Some really cute stuff.
DG

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team
Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

METRO RADIO - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

PAT GLENN- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

 

[TE999]

Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists seem so eager to kill themselves...Let's see now...

No Christmas

No Easter

No computers or internet

No TV

No cheerleaders

No bars or pubs

No nude women

No car races

No football

No soccer

No golf

No tailgate parties

No Wal-Mart

No deli food of any kind

No pork BBQ

No hot dogs

No burgers

No chocolate chip cookies

No lobster

No shellfish, not even frozen fish sticks

No nachos

No beer nuts

No beer!!

Rags for clothes and towels for hats

Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower

More than one wife

You can't shave

Your wives can't shave

You can't shower to wash off the smell of goat cooked over camel dung

The women wear baggy dresses and veils at all times

Your brides are picked by someone else

They smell just like your donkey

But your donkey has a better disposition

Then they tell you when you die it all gets better.

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

 

[DG Hear]

Vasectomy

A patient is waiting in a pre-op room for his vasectomy. A pretty young nurse walked in, kneels down in front of him and lifts his robe. To his amazement she leans and begins to give him a really good blowjob.

He is at first shocked but soon succumbs to her obvious talents. After he shoots his wad, he exclaims, "WOW! That was great, but why did you do that nurse?"

The pretty nurse stands up, and wipes his nether regions with a hot moist towel, saying, "The doctor likes his patient's tubes to be flushed prior to the operation." She smiles a radiant smile once again and then leaves the room.

As the patient is being wheeled into the operating room, he notices other patients out in the hallway masturbating. He asks the attendant wheeling his gurney why they're masturbating like that.

The attendant replies that they are about to have vasectomies and that their tubes need to be flushed of sperm prior to their operations.

The patient scratches his head and then inquires why he had received a blowjob from a pretty nurse, while they had to masturbate.

"Simple," said the attendant. "They've got HMOs, while you have Blue Cross, Blue Shield."

 

[DG Hear]

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S.Berman
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them. S.Berman
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mr.Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mr.Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr.Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45am and don't get back before 5:30 or 6pm. That's the reason I called Mr.Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S.Berman
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mr.Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm.
Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mr.Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S.Berman
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mr.Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L.Kensedder Assistant Manager
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mrs.Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S.Berman
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mr.Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr.Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Dear Mrs.Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
· On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and I stack of 2.
· On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
· On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
· Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
· In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
· On north-east comer of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
· On north-west corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel safe in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S.Berman

 

[DG Hear]

Erectile Dysfunction

A husband visited his doctor complaining of erectile dysfunction.

"Take this cream," the medic told him, "and spread it liberally on your penis before you want to have sex."

"How does it work?" the patient asked.

"You holler, 'One, two, three,' and you will become erect," the MD explained. "Afterwards, just say, 'one, two, three, four,' and it will go down.

"But," he cautioned the man, "You can only use it once every three months or your penis will dry up, crack and bleed."

The man rushed home, and just before his wife arrived, liberally dosed himself with the prescribed cream.

"One, two, three!" the man bellowed as his wife opened the door to find him standing there, naked and erect.

"What's the one, two, three for?" she asked.

 

[DG Hear]

Letter to the parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours,

Your Loving Daughter

 

[DG Hear]

Interesting fact!!!

I have to admit up front that I don't know if all of these are true. I do know some are.
DG


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different
reversed?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse
than "going blind!")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
First time this happen! , her mother must be in the room to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
volunteers for this stuff?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...(Hmmm....I won't
touch THAT one!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From
drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do either you or they think they have bad
breath?)