Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

That Son Of A Bitch

A girl once was confessing to a priest......

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of the bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of the bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of the bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of the bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of the bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no Reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!"

 

[neonlyte]

At a multi-religious seminary a Rabbi and a Irish Catholic Father find themselves sharing a bottle of wine, the Presbitarians were on stage and they didn't feel like listening. After ruminating on the proceedings they eventually get around to taking about particular aspects of their own faith as the wine bottle diminishes to a quarter full.

"Tell me, Rabbi... have you ever eaten pork... you know a nice bacon sandwich."

The Rabbi looks agahast, then blushes slightly and says, "I once delayed at an airport and had a meal voucher from the airline. In the cafeteria the smell of the bacon was delightful... and I must confess... I argued with myself it would be a gift from the airline, and I ate a bacon sandwich."

Both men play with their wine glasses for a couple of minutes, then the Rabbi asks, "And you, Father... have you ever had sex... with a woman I mean."

It was the Fathers turn to look shame faced and he told the Rabbi how he found himself consoling a young widow 'during the troubles' in Northern Ireland and poor wee thing was scared of being alone at night. He stayed with, stroking her hand at her bedside until finally their bodies merged as one.

"Very poetic, Father... I can understand why you were tempted.

"It's much better than pork, isn't it."

 

[redpaint]

Computer Tech Support

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

=================================



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red..

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.



===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: ! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...



===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?



== =============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.



===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.



===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.



===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?



===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'



===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/080619Miss_ya.jpg

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/cfae8508d6f55ce79937d8d20c6356cc29d.jpg

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/134b7b6d84e2241954bc1dae27ccfc1b48a.jpg

 

[redpaint]

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the pilot, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.....after which, I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

 

[redpaint]

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "You'll have to jack off - I have a headache !"

 

[redpaint]

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.

A BOYS PRAYER

Lord,
I pray for a girl with nice tits.
Amen.

 

[redpaint]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”
“What’s that?”
“Have you farted yet?” “No…..”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!!!”

 

[epiphany65]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.

I was rather impressed. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"

"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the gents." "How so?" I asked. "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked. "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[epiphany65]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks... "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[epiphany65]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a Healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached said, in Capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one!!!"

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[epiphany65]

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story? "

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten bucks." The guy says, "Ten bucks? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? "Because he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

 

[epiphany65]

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things go."

A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went. "Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible doctor!" "What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped the Viagra into his coffee. The effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was TERRIBLE!"

"TERRIBLE? What was so terrible about it?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"

 

[only_more_so]

A down on his luck cowboy approaches a farm house getting on toward evening. He asked the farmer if he could get a meal and stay for the night and added, "I don't have much, but I'll give you my white horse and silver saddle in return."

It didn't take long for the farmer to agree, but he warned the cowboy about going anywhere near his daughters.

At dinner that night, the cowboy got a glimpse of the daughters, and was taken by their beauty. He decided to seduce them.

The eldest daughter was a brunette, and even with his best lines the cowboy was getting nowhere. Finally he said, "If you sleep with me, I'll give you my white horse and silver saddle." She agreed and they had sex.

The middle daughter was a redhead and rather than waste time with lines, the cowboy starter right out saying, "If you sleep with me, I'll give you my white horse and silver saddle." She agreed enthusiastically.

The youngest daughter was a blonde. The man asked directly, but she demurred, "I don't know..." she kept saying. Finally the man offered his white horse and silver saddle. The simple girl was so enchanted with the horse that she agreed and let the man take her.

Early the next morning, the cowboy snuck out, riding away on his white horse and silver saddle.

The farmer stamped his feet in anger and shouted, "That bastard! He said he'd give me his white horse and silver saddle!"

The oldest two daughters were ashamed of getting conned as well, but kept silent. The blonde however didn't hold her peace, saying, "What? Did he fuck you too daddy?"

 

[epiphany65]

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared intently at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. So she met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her next question: "Will I be acquitted?"

 

[epiphany65]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?”
Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models, I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: $90,000."
Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options."
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $950,000."
Man: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. I not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price."
Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[epiphany65]

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"

"I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

 

[TE999]

Two elderly people meet at a community supper in the retirement village clubhouse. They start talking and find that their spouses have died. They have a wonderful evening dancing and talking. As they're leaving in their golf carts, the man asks "Would you marry me?"

She replies, "Yes, yes I will."

When he awakened in the morning he couldn't remember if she said 'yes' or 'no'. Try as he might, the memory was gone. He finally gave up, found her name and phone number in the village directory and called her.

He said he didn't remember things like he used to, but he remembered the lovely evening they had. Then he asked if she had said 'yes' or 'no' to his marriage proposal.

"Why of course I said yes," she replied. " I mean it with all my heart."

Then she giggled and continued,"I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."

 

[DG Hear]

Pet Store

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box
full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back
Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks
around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man
behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said,
"Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box,
and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her
apartment, the girl takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.


1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing
happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She
re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the
girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over." Within five
minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and
says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn
thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to
do this one more time!

 

[DG Hear]

Men and Cards

Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards:

You need a heart to love them

You need a diamond to marry them

You need a club to beat them

And you need a spade to bury the bastards

 

[kimbalee]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls

a rectal thermometer out of

her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

she looks at the flabbergasted teller

and without missing a beat, she says:

"Well, that's great.... just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!"

 

[TE999]

(I've posted this one before...)

A little boy is walking down the street dressed in a suit and tie and walking a dog on a leash. He meets an elderly woman and the following conversation ensues:

"What an adorable little man you are, all dressed up like that."

"Thank you ma'm."

"So well behaved and walking your doggie."

"Thank you ma'm."

"So polite too. What's your doggie's name young man?"

"Porky, ma'm."

"That's an odd name for a dog, why do you call him that?"

"Well, you see ma'm, he likes to fuck pigs."

 

[DG Hear]

A pregnant Newlywed

A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup. The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions. The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..."

"Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester."

"Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."