Humor Thread

[epiphany65]

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.

She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled slyly and said "Parkinson's disease!"

 

[redpaint]

Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a georgeous woman naked washing herself.

He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!"

She dressed herself smiled and replied "In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes now fuck off!!"

 

[redpaint]

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse?' She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'

 

[redpaint]

A female athlete is preparing for the Olympics. She goes to the coach and complains about the tablets he is making her take.

'They are causing hair to grow on my breasts'

'Ah whats the problem, a little bit of downy hair. everyone has a few little hairs'

'They are not downy and they are not little and they are not a few'

'Well exactly how much is there ?'

'They grow all the way down to my balls, and thats something else I want to talk to you about'

 

[redpaint]

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.

 

[redpaint]

About Women


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Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair before bed.

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'

 

[redpaint]

Age Bell Curve


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It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

 

[redpaint]

State Mottos


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a list of what state mottos should really be...

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
(this was left blank--does this mean Delaware is too small to have a
motto?)

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
For Sale

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a #$@%#!@ Motto? I Got Yer #$@%#!@ Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio:
Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma:
Like the Play...Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?

 

[DG Hear]

Things you would never know without the Movies


- During all police investigations, it will be necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in
there and you can travel to any other part of the building
undetected.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade
or his forthcoming art exhibition.

- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will
always be the exact fare.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size
of RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child
trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.


One of the things that aggrevate me is their computer skills and DSL lines or dial-up. They can get on a number of private sights, without passwords, access denied, faster then I can type my name. Pisses me off!
DG

 

[TE999]

Two men, one in his 30's, the other in his 50's, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The man in his 50's aplogizes saying, "I was looking for my wife and didn't see you."

"That's ok," the 30 something man replies, "I'm looking for my wife too."

"What's she look like?"

"She's 24 years old, tall with long blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs, long legs, slim waist, wearing white short shorts, a halter top, sandals and no bra. What's your wife look like."

"Doesn't matter. Let's find yours first."

 

[DG Hear]

Here it is! Men's answer to Maxine.

MAX

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------ ----------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
For a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!

 

[DG Hear]

Tiger Woods

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant , obviously who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those , son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

" Oh", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

 

[DG Hear]

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(You MUST read them out loud)

1) That's not right ...................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?..........Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ..................................... Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ...................................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ..............Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table .........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ..............Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ....................Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ........Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone ...............No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .......Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .........Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ..................................Fa Kin Su Pah

 

[epiphany65]

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

 

[epiphany65]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".

 

[epiphany65]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

 

[DG Hear]

Ray & Bubba( Oklahoma mechanical engineers)

were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,"
said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement, announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed.
"Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.

 

[epiphany65]

A blind man was walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They came to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, led the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This was followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reached the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulled a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offered to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, couldn't control his amazement and said to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turned partially in his direction and replied, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his arse."

 

[epiphany65]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[epiphany65]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition...." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house..."

 

[epiphany65]

On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll call. "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy. "I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell me your real name." "That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade."

The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class. "Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"

 

[epiphany65]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

[epiphany65]

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an Jamaican accent say, You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

 

[epiphany65]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK," the nun says, "pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

 

[DG Hear]

A Typical Man

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on the way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on
the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."