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Into a Belfast pub comes Sean Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a truck. His face is bruised, one eye's swollen shut, half an ear is missing, his arm is in a sling and he walks with a limp.

"Jeasus, man, what happened to you?" says Dunahey the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight."

"Hah! That little shit. You could take him easily. He must have had somthing in his hand."

"That he did. A coal shovel and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well, you should have defended yourself. Got somethin' in your hand."

"I had something in my hand Dunahey, Mrs. O'Connors breast. A thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
 
The Wino

One night a horny man is walking through a park, and sees a wino passed out on the park bench. Being so horny, he decides to "have his way" with the wino. He does the deed, then stuffs a $5 bill in the wino's pocket before walking off.

The next day the wino gets up, finds the fiver and heads to the liquor store where he asks for 5 bucks worth of their cheapest wine. The clerk hands him a gallon jug, the wino pays for it and leaves, drinking it up all day on his park bench and passing out again in the evening.

That night the horny man passes by again, and repeats the same thing, has his way, stuffs another fiver in the wino's pocket and leaves.

Once again the wino finds it in the morning, rushes to the liquor store for another jug, spends his day drinking and passes out once again.

This whole process continues all week, until one night, once the horny man has finished, he feels a little extra guilty about it, so he puts a $20 bill in the wino's pocket instead.

That morning, the wino found the money, went to the liquor store and asked the clerk for $20 worth of their finest wine.

The clerk obliges, bringing him a couple nice bottles. As the wino is paying for it, the clerk asks "Aren't you the same guy who always asks for $5 worth of our cheapest wine?"

"Yeah, but I gotta quit drinking that cheap stuff. It makes my ass hurt!"
 
What a family!

Three prostitutes were living together, a mother, a daughter and the grandmother.

One night, the daughter comes home looking down. Her mother asks "How did you do tonight?"

"Not too good" replies the daughter "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" says the mom, "In my day we were glad to get $5 for a blowjob!"

"Good God!" says Granny, "In my day we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!"

________________________________

Have you heard about the new "Super Sensitive" condoms? After the man leaves, they hang around and talk to the woman!
 
The Cabby

One dismal rainy evening, a cabby was trolling around and saw an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. He pulled up to the curb, and a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door before he had even come to a stop. Looking in his rearview mirror, he was startled to see a woman, completely naked and dripping wet sitting in the back seat.

"Where to" he stammered

"Union Station" she replied

"You got it" the cabbie answered, taking a long look in the mirror. The woman noticed his staring and asked

"Just what are you looking at?"

"Well, ma'am, I noticed that you haven't got any clothes on, or any place to put any money and I was wondering how you plan on paying your fare?"

The woman smiled, spread her legs and put her feet up on the front seat "Does *THIS* answer your question"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie answered
"Got anything smaller?"
:eek:
 
PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO KNOW..

.. this 'SARAH PALEN' lady.....

*

...WHO IS SHE REALLY????

*

...just a MOTHER?...

*

...another 'SOCCER MOM' ??...

*

..the Alaskan Governor ??!!!...

*

.....just the

Republican

VICE PESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ??!!

**************

PEOPLE ARE ASKING THE

WRONG QUESTIONS THOUGH...

...'CUZ WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS..

**************

.... IS SHE THE STAR OF THE #1 COMEDY SHOW ON TV???...
PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO KNOW..

.. this 'SARAH PALEN' lady.....

*

...WHO IS SHE REALLY????

*

...just a MOTHER?...

*

...another 'SOCCER MOM' ??...

*

..the Alaskan Governor ??!!!...

*

.....just the

Republican

VICE PESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ??!!

**************

PEOPLE ARE ASKING THE

WRONG QUESTIONS THOUGH...

...'CUZ WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS..

**************

.... IS SHE THE STAR OF THE #1 COMEDY SHOW ON TV???...​

...OR...

...IS SHE REALLY

'PEGGY HILL'

IN DISGUISE???​
man....!! I CAN SEE MSNBC JUST

DROOLIN' & FREAKIN' ON THIS ONE!!​
 
Three tourists were traveling in South America: a redheaded Irishman, a black-haired Frenchman, and a blonde American.



They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator as luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started.



The local military police arrived and arrested them. At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator.



The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement. Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor: You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"



The red-headed Irishman asked for a five-year supply of fine Irish whiskey.



The black-haired Frenchman asked for a five-year supply of fine French wine.



The blonde American requested a five-year supply of cigarettes.



The judge granted all three requests, and the three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.



Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word.



The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom.



The American was released last. As the American stepped out into freedom, he said, "Does anyone have a freaking match?"
 
Oh Red Truth here,

Need to try again! Kept screwing up!
 
Last edited:
Upset stomach

A man went to the doctor with a bad stomach problem, and asks what can be done about it. The doctor replies that the problem is quite serious, but can be cured with a suppository. The man agrees, so the doctor warns him of the pain and tells him to bend over, then shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in 6 hours.

So the man goes home, and later that evening when it is time for the second dose he tries to insert it, but can't reach himself properly to get the required depth, so he asks his wife to help him. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other hand shoves it home. Suddenly the man screams "DAMN!" The wife asks "What, did I hurt you?"

"No," the man replies "But I just realized that when the doctor did that he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!" :eek:
 
A Fly On A Leaf

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if
I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes
down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the
lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunters foot was thinking gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly. and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought (as
was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time) gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish.. and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich....then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...


The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....



Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.

:eek:
 
Her First Trick

The new hooker just finished with her first trick, came back down to the street, where the seasoned veterans gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big muscular, handsome Marine."

"What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."


"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either."

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have?"

"The marine said that he only had $25."

The new hooker said, "Well, for $25 all I can do is give you a hand job."

He agreed and after getting the finances were straightened out, she said, "He pulled out his dick and I wrapped the fingers of one hand around it, and then the fingers of my second hand above the first. I could still see a good 4" above that, it was unbelievable!"

"My god," they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

With a big smile on her face, she said, "I loaned him $75."

:D
 
DG Hear said:
The new hooker just finished with her first trick, came back down to the street, where the seasoned veterans gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big muscular, handsome Marine."

"What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."


"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either."

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have?"

"The marine said that he only had $25."

The new hooker said, "Well, for $25 all I can do is give you a hand job."

He agreed and after getting the finances were straightened out, she said, "He pulled out his dick and I wrapped the fingers of one hand around it, and then the fingers of my second hand above the first. I could still see a good 4" above that, it was unbelievable!"

"My god," they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

With a big smile on her face, she said, "I loaned him $75."

:D
Click to expand...

:D hahahahaahah!!! Nice!
 
The grodery store

A father and son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, “Well, you see that 3 pack? That’s for when you are in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”

The son then asks his father, “What’s the 6-pack for?”

The father replies, “Well, that’s for when you are in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning,”

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, “Well, that’s for when you are married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…..” :eek:
 
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.'
 
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
 
Phrases of Wisdom

- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
 
A bloke goes into a bar and somebody is selling a toothless ferret.

"What use is that"?, he asks, "That's not going to catch many rabbits".

"Slip it in it your trousers" the seller replies.

So he puts it down his pants it gives him the best BJ ever. So he buys it, takes it home and gives it to his wife

"Oh" she says "Whats this"?
The bloke replies "It's a toothless ferret".

"What am I going to do with a toothless ferret"? she asks.

"Teach it how to wash up then pack your bags and fuck off"!
 
Grandma turns 100

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.'
:eek:
 
Breaking news!

Every Wal-Mart, sporting goods store and gun shop in Alabama is sold out of ammunition.

One purchaser was heard to remark :"Those damn Rooskies mighta' invaded Georgia, but they ain't settin' foot in Alabama by God."
 
Something to ponder during election time. :D

_______________________________

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,

locks eyes with you, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?



Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send
to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this withsome friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.

........................................................

Republican's Answer: BANG!

........................................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
 
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