Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Kinds Of Sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not
least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.

 

[redpaint]

Wooden leg pig

A man is travelling across the country and comes upon a pig with a wooden leg.

This rouses his curiousity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks "How'd your pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I got trapped under my tractor. My little fella ran on over to the neighbours and somehow got them to come on over and free me from under it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveller, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a wooden leg?"

The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvellous pig. Another time, the house set fire and I was trapped inside, unconcious. This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames, grabbed my arm in his mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life AGAIN!"

The traveller, mystified, replied "That is a wonderous thing, but...how'd the pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you...one time I fell in the pond, and not knowing how to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then gave me mouth to mouth resucitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveller, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow, but..how'd he get the wooden leg?!"

The farmer replied, "A marvellous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A pig like that, you just can't eat a pig like that.

At least not all at once"

 

[redpaint]

Retirement Home

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says “Why are you doing that?”

He replies,”It died today.”

“Oh that’s terrible!”, the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, “I thought it died yesterday.”

The man replies, “It did. Today is the viewing”

 

[DG Hear]

Some Interesting Poll Results

These facts were revealed during a poll conducted amongst 200 married women.


75% of women polled say they have a fat ass.
15% of women polled say they have a moderately fat ass.
10% of women polled say they have a great ass.

However, 100% of women polled say they would marry the ass anyway.

 

[DG Hear]

...... a woman:

Wine her, Dine her,
Call her, Hug her,
Support her, Hold her,
Surprise her, Compliment her,
Smile at her, Listen to her,
Laugh with her, Cry with her,
Romance her, Believe in her,
Cuddle with her, Shop with her,
Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand, Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

......... a man:

Show up naked.
Bring food


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

[JagFarlane]

True story:

As a soldier passed by one of the trucks unloading a delivery of beef to the cafeteria, he took note of the wording on the boxes: "Grade F meat. For animal and military consumption only."

 

[DG Hear]

Hi Jag

Welcome to the humor thread where all subjects are allowed. (lke I do something about it.) I get in trouble whenever I leave my thread so I feel much safe here. Please come back often to read or leave a post.

We have some pretty cool people stop by and some leave us with something to smile or laugh at. What is Grade F beef? Sounds like some fucking beef to me. Just hope is't good fucking beef if it's for our military.
Thanks again for stopping bye.
DG

 

[Guest]

True story:

As a soldier passed by one of the trucks unloading a delivery of beef to the cafeteria, he took note of the wording on the boxes: "Grade F meat. For animal and military consumption only."

Oh, that's not funny at all.

 

[DG Hear]

Oh, that's not funny at all.

Sweet Sarahh, give me a topic and I'll find something funny for you. If I can't find it, I'm sure Redpaint can. Welcome to my home thread. Isn't it nice and cozy here? Please come back often.
DG

 

[Guest]

Sweet Sarahh, give me a topic and I'll find something funny for you. If I can't find it, I'm sure Redpaint can. Welcome to my home thread. Isn't it nice and cozy here? Please come back often.
DG

A topic. Hmmmm.

Something about warm chocolate chip cookies with ice cream eaten in bed after sex.

Then again, maybe that's what I'm in the mood for.

 

[JagFarlane]

Welcome to the humor thread where all subjects are allowed. (lke I do something about it.) I get in trouble whenever I leave my thread so I feel much safe here. Please come back often to read or leave a post.

We have some pretty cool people stop by and some leave us with something to smile or laugh at. What is Grade F beef? Sounds like some fucking beef to me. Just hope is't good fucking beef if it's for our military.
Thanks again for stopping bye.
DG

They're about half fat and chewy as fuck...sorry mate.

 

[DG Hear]

A topic. Hmmmm.

Something about warm chocolate chip cookies with ice cream eaten in bed after sex.

Then again, maybe that's what I'm in the mood for.

Wow! that's a hard one or was before the cookies and ice cream. Give me a little time. Red and other posters, A little help here!!!
Thanks
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Restroom Graffiti

Graffiti 1

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole
the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this....

Washroom Graffiti 2
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Some one who had a different experience wrote

Washroom Graffiti 3

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration in toilets

Washroom Graffiti 4

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose

Washroom Graffiti 5

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls are also job advertisement places.......

Washroom Graffiti 6
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the New York Fire
Department wants you.

Ministry of environment advertisement

Washroom Graffiti 7

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

Washroom Graffiti 8

Seen above a urinal:

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

Washroom Graffiti 9

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

Washroom Graffiti 10

A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:

We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!

Washroom Graffiti 11

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

This should teach you a lesson

Washroom Graffiti 12

Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly

It's no use standing on the seat
The crabs in here can jump ten feet

And if you think that's f***ing high
Go next door, the b*st*rds fly

 

[DG Hear]

For Sweet Sarahh

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself. She looked over and there was her husband eating a bowl of ice cream and chocolat chip cookies.

"I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand. Just having dessert now."


Ok, I had to add and subtract words to get this one right.
DG

 

[redpaint]

Wow! that's a hard one or was before the cookies and ice cream. Give me a little time. Red and other posters, A little help here!!!
Thanks
DG

I'm on it, but its a tough one.

 

[JagFarlane]

(4) (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

THREADJACK

Just a quick note on this: It is now illegal to claim being Spec Ops if you have not been. It is also illegal to say you earned the Congressional Medal of Honor, or to wear any medals that you did not earn in the line of duty. It is also illegal for any advertiser to disgrace the uniform in an advertisement [just ask Charlie Faulk, finally nailed that bastard]

/THREADJACK

 

[JagFarlane]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself. She looked over and there was her husband eating a bowl of ice cream and chocolat chip cookies.

"I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand. Just having dessert now."


Ok, I had to add and subtract words to get this one right.
DG

LOL still funny

 

[JagFarlane]

Lil Navy Nuke joke for ya'll

Aviation Ordanance code: If you see me running, try to outrun me

Nuke: If you see me running, its already too late

 

[DesertPirate]

In a Navy Materials Maintenance Management course the Instructor asked who was from SurfLant (Surface Forces Atlantic) and about half raised their hands. He said You folks get most of what you need, pretty much when you need it.

Then he asked who was from AirLant and the other half raised their hands. He Stated that the airdales got almost everything they asked for when they asked for it.

Then he looked at the lone person sitting in the middle of the third row and saw the Dolphins (Submarine Qualification pin) on my chest and asked if there was anyone from SubLant there. One lone hand went in the air. The instructor kneeled and said, you have a direct line to God!

True story from a one week 3M class in Norfolk, VA Oct. 78.

 

[DesertPirate]

Did you hear about the fire in the three-family apartment in New Jersey?

A black family of six lived on the first floor. They all perished in the
fire.

A Mexican family of eight lived on the second floor. They also perished.

A white couple lived on the third floor. They survived.

OBAMA learned of this and was in a rage. He went to the local press and
insisted there was gross discrimination involved and he wanted someone to
pay for the disaster. He demanded to know why the whites survived when the
others didn't.

The fire chief said the answer was simple. When the fire broke out, the
white couple was at work.

 

[DG Hear]

Ouch DP! Was that a true story?

 

[DesertPirate]

Ouch DP! Was that a true story?

The Navy one was

 

[redpaint]

Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

 

[DG Hear]

Red, I remember that one! That was good. I knew you could do it.
Thanks
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Yard Sale

A man was taking a walk one day, when he came upon this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the front lawn.

Then he noticed a couple doing it behind a tree. Then he saw a movement behind some bushes and knew that a another couple was doing it there.

Totally amazed by all this sexual activity out in the open the man decided to investigate. So he walked up to the front door of the house and knocked.

A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel," replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this going on out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

````````````````````
Two sperm are swimming along.

One says to the other: How long till we get to the egg??

Other one says: It's going to be a long way, we just past the tonsils.