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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers , 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
 
Sitting behind a couple of nuns during a hockey game, three guys were getting a little upset, as the nuns habits partially blocked their view of the ice. So the three guys decided to try and badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guys said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, as I hear there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy followed, even louder, saying, "I want to go to Montana, I hear there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy then screams, "I want to go to Idaho, because I hear there are only 25 nuns living there."

At which point, one of the nuns turns around and very politely says, "Why don't you all go to Hell -- there aren't any nuns living there."
 
 
I lost my cock! Have you seen it?

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cockfights occurred in the village, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.

"No, No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the nuns stood up.
 
Paint Job

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
 
Received another old joke.

A man walked into the ladies department of a shop and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

"Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
:eek:
 
Bra Joke

That last one reminded me of an old bra joke.

A man walks into a ladies apparel store and askes to buy a simple white bra for his wife. The sales clerk asks the gentleman what size he was looking for.

He was perplexed and was holding his hands as though he was holding something and looking at them.

The clerk wanting to help asked the man, "Are they the size of Grapefruit?"

"No," said the man. "Much smaller."

"Oranges?" asked the clerk.

"No, smaller" said the man.

"Eggs," asked the salesclerk.

"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Fried!" :)
 
Scissors

There are times when kids draw something and you just have to say... "Wow,tell me about your picture," because you have no clue what it is...

OF COURSE, THEY'RE SCISSORS

QUOTE FROM THE MOM:

THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER'S ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS.

I WONDER WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.
I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL SMIRK WHEN I SAW IT.
I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I STARTED CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS.
LIKE ME, I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE HIS ARTISTIC SKILLS!


AS YOU ALL KNOW, I WILL BE REQUIRED TO PROUDLY DISPLAY THIS ON
MY REFRIGERATOR... IT WILL BE THE BEST CONVERSATION PIECE WE'VE EVER HAD!


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/cid_B178087BBD7E445080743C9F41AF45A.jpg
 
Problem Name

Problem Name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive
Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to
answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she

would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.

(A good clean joke is hard to find these days) :D
 
A Kentucky mountain woman comes home from the flatland health cinic and says to her husband, "Luther, thet thar doctor woman at the clinic sed I needs to come back same time next week and bring a specimen. Whut's a specimen?"

"Danged if I know Lurleen. Go ast Lulubelle up the slope. She usta work fer one of them doctors."

Lurleen walks up the slope and returns a short time later, hair tangled, clothes ripped, face scratched and a black eye.

"What in tarnation happened Lurleen? You run into a ba'r?"

"Naw. I ast Lulubelle whut a specimen was and she toled me to go piss in a bottle and I toled her to go shit in a jug and we commenced whuppin up on each other."
 
One afternoon, a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: Really sweetie, why don't you tell me about it?" The little girl explained, "Well,...OK...the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes. and the Daddy's thingie sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies.....That's how you get jewelry."
 
Cinderella wants to go to the Ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fariy godmother
appears and promises to provide her with everything she needs to go to
the Ball--but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm," the fairy godmother says.

Cinderella agrees, "Okay. What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin!" emphasizes the fairy godmother.

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella does not show up.
Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella returns, looking love-struck and *very*
satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, fairy godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power!" exclaimed the fairy
godmother. "What is his name?"

"Let's see," replied Cinderella, "I can't remember exactly. Peter Peter
. . . something or other . . ."
 
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day
and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs
a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have
red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have
white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it
in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE
HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
 
RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1) Each player shall Furnish his own equipment - normally one club and
two balls.

2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.

4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
avoid damage to the hole.

6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to
do
so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7) It is considered bad form to play the hole immeditly after getting
onto
the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire
the course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this
reason.

9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been previously
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private
course.

11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means
of play when this is the case.

12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
playing the back side.

13) Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to
proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners's
request.

14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the
same hole several times in one match.

15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO THINK TWICE BEFORE CONSIDERING MEMBERSHIP AT A
GIVEN COURSE. ADDITIONAL ASSESSMENTS MAY BE LEVIED BY THE COURSE
OWNER
AND THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT PRIOR NOTICE. FOR THIS
REASON, MANY PLAYERS PREFER TO CONTINUE TO PLAY SEVERAL DIFFERENT
COURSES.
 
BEST CHICKEN JOKE
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and
looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered
THAT question!"
 
THE POPSICLE
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She
recited
the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter

shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds
up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter
shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he
scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way
you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. "There are
three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicles. One woman is licking
the
Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking
the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the Popsicle, one
is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one
who's sucking?"
"No," the boy says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on.
But I like the way you think."
 
Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near
Bonita Springs. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a
book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir," she began. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto
hers,WHipped
off both their swimsuits, and gave her the
ride of her life.

As the sands finally began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man,
"How
did you know that is what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
 
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