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Humor Thread

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which reminds me......

The day after Elvis died a woman walks into a tattoo parlor with a picture of the Young Elvis, she says, "I want that tattoo right...." and she pulls up her dress to expose herself naked below the waist.."here!" pointing to her inside left thigh. "But you'd better do it well!"

The artist assures her he will. He goes to work, carefully taking his time. Hours pass and he finishes and holds up a mirror for her to see the Elvis on her left inside thigh.

"Who the hell is that?" she screams.

"Lady, it's Elvis!" the artist says quietly.

"You butcher!" she screams.

"OK, OK," he says trying to calm her down, "I'll do another on your right inside thigh, and it'll look even better!" Off to work he goes, even being a little bothered at the odor since she has neither shaved down there or cleaned obviously in some time. But he's proud of his work and shows her the new tattoo now on her other inside thigh.

You can guess that she is angry and doesn't believe it is a likeness of Elvis either! He is getting angry and says, "Look, I'll bet if I brought in someone directly off the street, he will say exactly who both those tattoos are!"

The artist walks out, and as typical in the areas of a tattoo parlor the only folks around at that time of night are the drunks and bums. He grabs the first drunk and pulls him into the parlor. He sits him down on the artist's stool, spreads the woman's legs wide and says, "Tell me whose likeness you see!"

The drunk wipes his face and peers in deeply. He rubs his eyes again and shakes his head and then answers.

"Well, don't know about the two guys on the side, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

(I'm told Willie loves that joke!)
 
Itchy Old Lady

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs!
'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'
The doctor said, 'Get on the table and let's have a look.'
After examining, the doctor proclaimed,
'Ma'am, you're right, you do not have the crabs!'
'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies!'
 
Molly

SweetWitch said:
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs!
'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'
The doctor said, 'Get on the table and let's have a look.'
After examining, the doctor proclaimed,
'Ma'am, you're right, you do not have the crabs!'
'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies!'
Click to expand...
Oh Sweet, Sweet Molly, that was a bad one, but I'm still smiling.
DG
 
Oldie but goodie

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, ' When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)We do not refer to Jesus Chris t as the late J.C.

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

:)
 
The maid approached her employer and asked for a raise.

The lady of the house was indignant. "Why should I give you a raise?"

"Three reasons Senora. The first is that I iron better than you."

"Who told you that?"

"Your husband."

"Oh? What's the second reason?"

"I am a better cook than you."

"Nonsense. Who said that?"

"Your husband."

"Oh really? And what is number three?"

"I am a better lover than you."

"That sonofabitch! Did he tell you that too?"

"No Senora, the gardener."

She got the raise. :D
 
Time for a limrick!

Ol' Farmer, MacDougal, that creep,
Had perversions extensive and deep
He'd oft put his hand in
His ovine companion
(I'm saying he fisted a sheep)
 
Breaking News

CNN reports that effective Monday August 4, all gas stations will begin showing porn at every pump. That way you can see someone else getting screwed at the same time you are. :D
 
KLCK said:
Time for a limrick!

Ol' Farmer, MacDougal, that creep,
Had perversions extensive and deep
He'd oft put his hand in
His ovine companion
(I'm saying he fisted a sheep)
Click to expand...
A ventriloquist was visiting a dude ranch and got bored. He convinced one of the ranch hands to drive him around one day. They came upon a horse. "Hey, stop, I want to talk to that horse!" said the ventroloquist.

"What?" the ranch hand said.

He stopped walked over and asked the horse, "How's life on this ranch", he then threw his voice.

The horse seemed to reply, "Goooood, plenty of room to roam, grass to eat, mares to mount!" The ventriloquist got back in the truck and the ranch hand stared at him. They drove on a ways and he asked to stop again in front of a bull. Again, he went over and said to the bull, "Well, how's life here?"

The bull seemed to say, "SNORT! Great! Plenty of hay, room to roam and lots of nice cows to mount!" The ranch hand was stunned at this and just stared at the guy as they drove on.

They came upon some sheep and one big ram in the middle of the group.

"Let me out to talk to that big sheep in the middle!"

"Oh come on, this is ridiculous!" said the ranch hand.

"No, really!"

"Jeez, you don't want to talk to that sheep!" the ranch hand waved his hand in disgust. The ventriloquist asked, "Why?"

The ranch hand moped his brow, slipped off his cowboy hat for a second, "That sheep will Lie!"
 
SweetWitch said:
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs!
'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'
The doctor said, 'Get on the table and let's have a look.'
After examining, the doctor proclaimed,
'Ma'am, you're right, you do not have the crabs!'
'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies!'
Click to expand...
Ohh, tacky old jokes..here's one

Joe and Mattie were residents of the old age home. The two of them had an ongoing romance and although they were in their 90s, they did enjoy each other's company. They would often walk down the path to the lake and sit together. One day, Joe asked Mattie if she would mind if he unzipped and if she would just hold his cock! Mattie smiled and said yes. So, each day they'd go to the lake, sit on a bench and Mattie would hold Joe's cock in her hand.

Then one day, Mattie couldn't find Joe. She looked everywhere until she walked down to their spot. There sat Joe with another old woman. And Mattie could see Joe's cock in her hand. Mattie was furious and stormed up to Joe.

"I can't believe this Joe, what does SHE have that I don't?" she yelled at him.

Joe composed himself for a moment and said, "Parkinson's!"
 
agedmac said:
Ohh, tacky old jokes..here's one

Joe and Mattie were residents of the old age home. The two of them had an ongoing romance and although they were in their 90s, they did enjoy each other's company. They would often walk down the path to the lake and sit together. One day, Joe asked Mattie if she would mind if he unzipped and if she would just hold his cock! Mattie smiled and said yes. So, each day they'd go to the lake, sit on a bench and Mattie would hold Joe's cock in her hand.

Then one day, Mattie couldn't find Joe. She looked everywhere until she walked down to their spot. There sat Joe with another old woman. And Mattie could see Joe's cock in her hand. Mattie was furious and stormed up to Joe.

"I can't believe this Joe, what does SHE have that I don't?" she yelled at him.

Joe composed himself for a moment and said, "Parkinson's!"
Click to expand...
Jennie decided to marry old Joe even though she was only 25 and Joe was in his 80s. She really loved him but was realistic about their future together, especially about sex. So, on their wedding night, she got a suite and gave Joe his own room. She told him when he was ready he could come in to her room and make love to her and then could go back to his own room. Joe liked that idea.

Jennie found a lovely negligee and put it on and waited patiently. She heard a knock on her door. She told Joe to come in. He did, climbed into bed with her and eased her negligee up her body and then he began to make love to her. Jennie was amazed at his stamina and the passion with which he made love to her for over a half hour. After numerous orgasms, Joe finally came in his young bride. She kissed him softly and thanked him for a wonderful evening and sent him back to his room.

Jennie found an old nighshirt to wear since Joe had pretty much destroyed her negligee in his passionate lovemaking. Jennie was happy, turned out the light and was preparing to go to sleep when she heard a knock on her door again. She told Joe to come in and he moved to the bed, pushing her nightshirt up her body and began to make wild passionate love to her again! For over an hour, Joe ravaged the young woman until he came in her again! Jennie was exhausted and overwhelmed as Joe moved off the bed and went back to his room.

Jennie cleaned up, exhausted and amazed and slipped naked into her bed, her body exhausted from the lovemaking when she heard him knock again! He came in and again, for over an hour, made wild love to her! Jennie had never had a lover like her in her young life! After sending him back to his room, Jennie noticed it was after 3 am and she was completely exhausted.

Nevertheless, in less than five minutes, Joe again tapped on the door and came in! Jennie was shocked as he climbed in and whispered to him, "Joe, again? You are going to make love to me again?"

To which Joe replied, "What? I've been here before?"
 
Nursery Rhymes

Ok, Let's see if we can remember some old Nursery Rhymes. I'll go first.

Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard
To get poor Rover a bone, When she bent over
Rover Drove her, because he had a bone of his own. :eek:


Jack and Jill, went up the hill
on the back of an elephant.
Jill got off and helped Jack off the elephant. :eek:
 
Last edited:
Only we seniors can empathize with this

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly
demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday
paper is not delivered until Sunday.

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of recognition. 'I'll bet
that's why no one was in church today too.'

:eek::eek::eek:
 
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to
swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man
always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes
like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men
and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you
feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come,
it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to
get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a
big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in
my job. What am I?

Answers:-

1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4. chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush, of course
 
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