Howcome girls almost NEVER ask guys out?

[collegeteenm19]

are there any real answers besides a simple "they're shy"?lol

 

[Weird Harold]

are there any real answers besides a simple "they're shy"?lol

Cultural gender roles.

Girls who routinely ask guys out collect labels like feminist, forward, aggressive, easy, etc, because in spite of all the recent advances in gender equality, "Good Girls" still wait for the man to ask.

 

[Pyro Paul]

to them thats 'their job' ya know, those mystical magical things that we should instantly know we should do which women will so painstakingly keep quiet about even though we dont know what in the world to do and they wont tell us...

asking out is one of Those things. usualy so is everything else that is a 'first' (the first time you kiss, the first time you screw, you should be the one that initiates it)

 

[Undomiel]

I've hinted at guys before that I liked them and it scared them away. But I asked my current boyfriend out cause I felt something different for him, and I was right too. He had been turned down by so many girls before he wasn't going to say anything to me. I would have missed out on the best opertunity of my life.

 

[Weird Harold]

I've hinted at guys before that I liked them and it scared them away.

I'm glad you overcame the obstacles to happiness.

Your experience with scaring guys away isn't unusual though, and it doesn't take many examples of that kind of behavior to reinforce the lingering gender role bias against women asking men out.

I'm sure you thought twice or three times before going against your experience and asking your current BF out.

 

[SlyKitten]

Apologies, but if a guy interests me I will ask him out. I was pretty much the one making the first move in all of my relationships; I don't believe in 'subtle' signals that nobody ever picks up. If you want something, ask/go for it.

With this attitude I've been categorized as easy, slutty or bitchy (which I am not, i just know what I want.)

But as always, I am only speaking for myself, so to answer your question, I'll have to agree with weirdharold and the stereotype that 'good girls don't'.

 

[phoenix1224]

I've hinted at guys before that I liked them and it scared them away. But I asked my current boyfriend out cause I felt something different for him, and I was right too. He had been turned down by so many girls before he wasn't going to say anything to me. I would have missed out on the best opertunity of my life.

Quick question: Seeing since YOU asked HIM out, did YOU pay on your first date?

 

[College_geek]

Cultural gender roles.

Girls who routinely ask guys out collect labels like feminist, forward, aggressive, easy, etc, because in spite of all the recent advances in gender equality, "Good Girls" still wait for the man to ask.

I agree, I think that a lot of girls, whether they do it consciously or not, fall into that stereotype. However, with some of us such as myself, we're just extremely afraid of rejection (which isn't necessarily a good excuse, but it's the truth). I've never been given much attention from guys, so even if I liked a guy and wanted to ask him out, I'd be too afraid of him giving me a disgusted look and laughing or shuddering. Not really the key to boosting one's self-confidence. I always figured, if a guy wants to date me, he'll ask.
Nowadays, if I were single now, I think I might be more likely to ask a guy friend of mine out, but still probably not a stranger. =/

 

[phoenix1224]

I always figured, if a guy wants to date me, he'll ask.

But, a lot of guys won't ask for the same reason that YOU won't.




Psst... I'm sure that there were/are a few guys out there that WANTED to ask you out but were just too afraid to.

 

[College_geek]

But, a lot of guys won't ask for the same reason that YOU won't.




Psst... I'm sure that there were/are a few guys out there that WANTED to ask you out but were just too afraid to.

I know, which is the silly thing. For all I know, I could've had boyfriends throughout high school, but I also think I was hoping for the wrong people. I was hoping for the attractive jock guys to date me for years, but in my junior year, I decided that they weren't really my type anyway. ^_^ I get along so much better with the band kids and the computer geeks.

 

[Weird Harold]

I agree, I think that a lot of girls, whether they do it consciously or not, fall into that stereotype. However, with some of us such as myself, we're just extremely afraid of rejection (which isn't necessarily a good excuse, but it's the truth).

The reasons for any specific girl not asking guys out is going to be as individul and unique as the specific girl is.

Cultural Gender Roles is a generalization and like all generalizations and steretypes, it doesn't translate to the specific very well. It's still a useful point, because discounting the effect of Grandma's disapproval of "unladylike behavior" is a good way to misunderstand someone.

 

[highconcept]

i used to wonder that

It does happen. The girl I was totally in love with in high school did ask me out. And I thought I'd never get her. Of course she turned out to be an evil she bitch who broke my heart.

And the smoking hot 20 year old cocktail at the bar we work at literally just told my brother she wanted to fuck him.

I thought it was great. I know some people love games and people they can't have and the chase...blah blah. I think it's stupid. If we're attracted to each other I'd rather be laying in bed and eating sushi and going to movies and fucking then playing phone tag and trying to guess what she's thinking and if she'll bolt at any minute.

But honestly, I realized, that's just how it is. That's what girls expect. It's what their used to. It's how they think it's supposed to be. And to alot of them it becomes a little olympic game to decided which guy gets to win. Sucks but i ALWAYS say women have the power. I work in a bar. And it's their show. They own every moron in there. And when they say it's NOT why they came out, I just laugh. Who doesn't like attention?

The truth is...if a girl likes she will find a way to let you know. She wants you to know. I always say if that girl is doing something you know she wouldn't normally do then thats her signal. If she lets her friends leave to hang with you or goes to do something you like its pretty clear whats up.

I have a friend women throw themselves at. They make it real clear. But he looks like Brad Pitt so there you go. It does happen but its rare for us mere mortals.

 

[Naturist]

I've been asked out by women. Not a lot, but reasonably often. I never thought there was anything unusual or different about it.

Hmm... maybe that's why they asked me out.

 

[Chynas Dick]

edited

 

[Tele2047]

Well isn't that's mature of you

 

[dollface007]

I've been asked out by women. Not a lot, but reasonably often. I never thought there was anything unusual or different about it.

Hmm... maybe that's why they asked me out.

Word to that, Naturist. Wanna go out?

 

[Naturist]

Word to that, Naturist. Wanna go out?

Sure. You can pick me up this evening, about a quarter to nine.

 

[Undomiel]

Yes I thought it over a lot before asking him out. And no, he payed on the first date.

 

[Munachi]

well i think the best way is if not one asks the other out, but it is kind of a mutual effort... now in part this might have to do that i am not very used to the concept of dating... not anyway in the sense of that first you eiterh don't even know each other or are friends and then one asks the other on a "date" - i have had dates but a lot of times it was very unclear if this is a date or friends going out, or whatever - didn't really matter... actually i think that in a lot of cases i took more initiative, but really, i can think of very few occasions where it was just me or just the other who took the first step.

as for other "firsts" (as that has been mentioned before) - with the guy i am seeing right now i guess i was the one who initiated the first sex - we had already kissed but nothing more, when we were at a party near my home together and he said he is going to go home - so i said something like "i thought you were going to bring me to my room first." ... so there...

 

[Eilan]

To Chynas Dick:

I guess you didn't read the sticky before you made that post, did you?

The purpose of the "HT Cafe" is to discuss any and all issues in a friendly, pleasant environment.

Everyone is welcome to post here, in fact, the more the merrier. The rules are pretty simple:

1) Be polite. This is not the forum to flame/troll or spam. Treat people the way you want them to treat you. A little respect goes a long way.

2) Open a discussion on any topic you want, but if it starts off or ends up as a flame war, the offending posts will either be deleted or the entire thread moved into a forum that's more suitable.

3) If you don't like the guidelines, feel free to post in the numerous other forums available.

Enjoy your stay!

If you don't like someone's av, you can go to your User CP and turn off av's or you can put the "offending" party on ignore. If you're not interested in doing either, then you need to just shut the fuck up.

And now to answer the question:

I met my husband online through an ad that he placed (I approached him). I'd never have the nerve to approach him IRL, but online I figured that if he didn't respond, he didn't respond. That way I didn't have to worry about the humiliation of a public rejection.

 

[lizaveta]

The truth is...if a girl likes she will find a way to let you know. She wants you to know. I always say if that girl is doing something you know she wouldn't normally do then thats her signal. If she lets her friends leave to hang with you or goes to do something you like its pretty clear whats up.

I agree.

I've been with my DH for over a dozen years so my dating skills are pretty dang rusty, but it seems the socially-constructed courtship dance we do hasn't changed much in far longer than I've been off the scene. I could be haughty and say I never had to ask a man for a date, and that would be true, but the reason isn't that I was all that great of a catch.

I just didn't step out of that dance.

I indicated my interest in flirty ways, and he indicated his by asking me out. If I wasn't flirting or he wasn't asking, then one of the two of us wasn't interested.

There is no reason why a woman SHOULDN'T ask a man out on a date, as long as she's willing to run outside of social expectation. Labels like "agressive" and "manchasing" are unfortunate because they are not true; I think it's the men who are caught off guard by women asking them out who discourage us from doing it.

And really, if you're a woman who is confident enough to ask a man on a date, why the hell would you WANT a man who wasn't confident enough to sidestep social convention?

 

[collegeteenm19]

wow, very well put

 

[lizaveta]

wow, very well put

Thank you

 

[collegeteenm19]

lol

 

['lil rose]

Oh this is a good one I likes!

I usualy don't ask guy's out on "dates" to hang out yes but never a ''date'' I just casualy menchon that I have such day off and that I don't have anything planed --the balls in their court. If they say thats great we can do something. we do and if he says oh I have to work. I simply say maybe some other time. It's my way of reasuring them that I'm interested and I won't say no if asked. saves the pain.