How to turn off your feelings (a rant)

[Shadow Thief]

How do you turn off that part of you that tells you you're not happy? I apparently did it once before, and it served me well for years, until someone came along and showed me what I was missing, and then vanished once I got attached to her. And now it's happening to me all over again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? And why do I care? Why can't I just be happy that I got some? Why does it fucking hurt so bad? Why can't I just fuck someone without getting attached to her?

What if it's not her? What if it's been me all along? No.... it can't be, can it? I tried to warn her, but she didn't take me seriously. I tried to tell her I was worried that we were drifting apart. She either didn't believe me, or didn't care.

Not too long ago, I thought I was happy. But at the same time, I just couldn't shake this nagging feeling that something just wasn't right, that something was missing. I thought I was happily married, now I wonder if there is any such thing.

It seems like the instant I let my guard down, bad things happen, like they did tonight. She said she'd still be my friend, but I think we all know how that usually goes. I don't think she understands how much I really care for her. If I was still single, I would have loved to be with her for real. Maybe I could even be good. Or maybe not. I can't seem to help myself when some attractive woman is interested. Maybe I need to start fucking women who don't mean anything to me. But I'm not sure that's possible. The minute I do, they've given me something that I need. I'm not one of those guys who can just fuck someone and discard them. I get attached. Why can't I be one of the ones that don't?

I am so fucking depressed now, even my sex drive has shut down. I saw women tonight, who I knew were attractive, and normally would have had my heart racing. But tonight, they did nothing for me.

Why do I have to be like this? I can't help that I'm this way. I've done it before, and got hurt, and of course, like a fucking dumbass, I did it again, knowing I'd probably get hurt again. What the FUCK is wrong with me???

I can't keep doing this to myself. I wish I didn't have these feelings. I just want them all to go away. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Sorry for this rant. I'm drunk as fuck, my friends aren't around, and none of my contacts are online. I have to unload somehow. Don't know what else to do.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

I didn't read this post good enough the first time.

Didya ever think that maybe you're doing this, with "other" women, because you feel guilty?

Face, if you're not getting your physical needs met in your marriage, I'm willing to be your emotional needs aren't met either. We all want to feel special, loved, desired, etc. I'd get attached too if I was in your situation.

Get a divorce and save yourself the heartache.

Sometimes it just needs to end.

 

[Bandit58]

The part that leapt out at me - "If I was still single". Are we to understand that you are married and were seeing someone else, and she has decided not to sleep with you anymore? And you have developed "feelings" for this other woman, despite the fact that you are married?

Maybe she woke up to the fact that sleeping with a married man is not a good idea. I've been there, done that, and it ended badly I was very hurt emotionally She has the right to protect herself from being hurt. You are not free to pursue any sort of relationship with her until you sort your own life out. I learned the hard way.

If I am wrong feel free to correct me, but that's how it reads to me.

 

[bisexplicit]

Bandit, I believe your assumption is correct because he did say that he thought he was happily married.

And, I can't feel sorry for someone who cheats.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

hmm, i missed that part

Oh well, i never have very good advice, partly why i never answer these threads

 

[M's girl]

I think Shadowthief needs to crarify some things here. Personally I think he IS talking about the woman he is married to, but I might be wrong....

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Well, taking out the fact that he might be married, I will still offer some advice on the topic that was brought up, not his cheating.

When you let yourself feel things, it can really really suck when the bad thigns happen and you feel like crap. But, bad things dont happen all of the time. There are so many good things that happen on a daily basis for each and every one of us. If you choose not to feel, or let anything in, then you will always be indifferent. That means taht you will never really care about anything or anyone, including yourself. Initially when something big happens that is bad, and your still learning how to deal with your feelings, it does seem like it would be easier to just shut them all off and go about the rest of your life that way. But that's the thing, you have to learn how to deal with your feelings and what you're going to do about them and with them. It is not easy by far, but if you do, you will most likely be a much happier person in the end, not to mention a person that is able to deal with the good things as well as the bad. I was in this situation (not feeling) a few years ago, and to be honest, I much prefer feeling things now. It gets rid of the inner turmoil that was always racing through my head and I have found so much joy and happiness in the littlest things that all around I feel good about everything I do and encounter, including the bad things.

As far as the cheating thing goes, seriously give it a second thought. Cheating is one thing that can cause most relationships to fall apart faster than you can say the word. Seriously reconsider your thoughts and whether or not you would actually be faithful to your SO. There is nothing wrong with other people finding you attractive, or you finding other people attractive, the problem comes in when you decide to act on your impulses.

 

[M's girl]

I've been thinking about this some more. I can read the first post two ways.

One is that he had a relationship before and that he got attached to the girl/woman and she let him down; he was hurt and now that he's married it's happening all over again.

Second is, indeed, that he is married, has a lover on the side and finds himself beeing more attached to her than he would like to.

In the first place I can see where he's coming from and I feel for him, because it's plain awful if you have to conclude that you wish you were but you are NOT at all happy. And it's the little things. You see a lot of good but something bad always crawls back into that pit in your stomach and time after time, never mind how much you try to convince yourself things are right.... should be right..., they are not. And that hurts, especially if there are still a lot of good things going on too at the same time. I have no idea what advice to give in that case. My feeling says that the balance just sways too much in the wrong direction and something should happen to change that.

Second.... well.... I am so against cheating that I probably can't post a valuable opinion. My first thoughts are that he's getting what he deserves. There's not much else I can offer here...

 

[Bandit58]

I did a search on his posts and he gives more information on this thread

 

[naughtygirl69s]

I did a search on his posts and he gives more information on this thread

interesting....

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not going to comment on the cheating or other women, but something did strike me when reading this post and a few others:

Extremely low self-esteem


Now you've pretty much acknowledged this in other posts, but have you connected it to your other feelings and actions? For instance, is it possible this is the root of the attachment, cheating, depression, guilt, indecision regarding your relationships, blaming, and 'victim' issues? How do you think your life would be different if you felt really good about yourself?

I'm bringing this up because similar (and the same, in many cases) thoughts and words have come from me, and after a hell of a lot of work, I was able to trace almost every thread in the tangled ball of problems and feelings back to poor self-esteem...essentially it was coloring everything and destroying my happiness. When I started to change that, I was able to find some clarity, peace, and make better decisions. I'm not "there" yet, or anywhere near it, but taking some steps, making changes, knowing I'm no longer trapped and have the tools to get out of the self-created hell feels really good.

Cognitive Behavior(al) Therapy with an excellent counselor, proven exercises, and a ton of hard work helped me with the self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and associated problems. You may want to look into that.

I hope you find the tools that work for you and a better place in time.

 

[Shadow Thief]

Wow. I can't believe I posted that drunken, disjointed rant. I'm usually much more coherent than this.

Let's see if I can tell my story a little more clearly, since I just cracked open my first beer of the night, and am nowhere near as ripped as I was when I started this thread...

Yes, I am married. At some point, my wife and I started to drift apart. When it started exactly, I can't really say for sure. We used to have a wonderful, active sex life, but it started to drop off so gradually, I didn't notice for the longest time. If I'm lucky, I might get it twice a week. Sometimes not even once. For some people, that may be enough, but I have a very high sex drive. And it's not just the quantity, it's the quality as well. Most of the time, she doesn't really seem into it, that she's just doing it for my benefit. I know a lot of guys can get off, and be happy, but I need the other person to want it too. I've failed many times because I sensed that she just wasn't into it. I usually end up doing myself 2 or 3 times a day, but it's just not the same. I need that physical and emotional contact from the other person.

I cheated once when my wife and I were still dating, I think purely out of curiosity. I felt bad about it, because at that time, she was taking care of me quite well. That affair lasted a few months, and when it finally ended, I swore I'd never do that again. And for years afterwards, I managed to be good. Yes, there were times when I was in a situation where I could have, and sometimes it took every last ounce of my willpower to remove myself from the situation. We continued dating, and eventually got married and moved in together. We had been friends for a long time before that, so we got along great. But at some point after we got married, things started to change. As I said before, she started to lose interest in doing things. I'm not just talking about sex. I'm also talking about getting out of the house and doing things like hanging out at the bar with our friends, seeing a movie, or even just going for a walk. And then every time I got into a situation where I might cheat, it got harder and harder for me to resist. Until one night....

Before I go on, I'd like to address the people who judge me for what I've done. I'm not going to flame any of you, because there was a time when I felt the same way. But have any of you actually been in the situation I'm in? If you were with someone who just didn't seem to want you, and there was someone else who was physically attractive AND had a nice personality, can you honestly say you wouldn't have done what I did?

Anyway... I was hanging out at the bar with this other girl I had known for years, and who had become friends with both me and my wife. I seemed to be getting signals from her, and I just couldn't tear myself away this time. I told myself I was just hanging out with a friend, who happened to be female. Most of my friends are female, and I never did anything with them. For some reason, I just have an easier time discussing emotional things with women than with other men. I guess it's the old stereotype that men aren't supposed to have feelings, I don't know...

Some things were said, that confirmed the signals I thought I was getting, and I knew I should just get the hell out of there, but I couldn't. I tried to remind myself of all the hurt I caused before, to myself and to my wife, but apparently I wasn't listening to myself.

We were dancing together, which again, didn't necessarily mean anything. I've done that with my other female friends, and that didn't really mean anything. But this time, I was feeling something, and inside I was screaming at myself to let go of her and walk away, but I couldn't. At some point, she told me she was going to ask one of her other friends to dance, which was fine with me. Then she ended up turning around and walking back to me, telling me that I was the only guy there that she even liked, but I was married. And I said, "Yeah, that sucks." And inside, I'm thinking to myself, "Why did I just say that?" Then she asked me if I'd give her a call, if something ever happened that I became single. And I said yes. And again, I'm asking myself why I just said that. She said that she thought we'd get along great. She actually sounded vulnerable, and usually I'm the one feeling that way.

At some point, I went to talk to some of my other friends. I had managed to get away, without doing anything I shouldn't have, and I thought I was safe. Then it was closing time, and we all left. I found myself talking to her again in the parking lot, and I went to give her a hug before she left. Again, I do that with all my female friends, and it doesn't mean anything. But somehow we ended up kissing. I don't remember how. I remember giving her a hug, and the next thing I remember, we were kissing. I don't remember what happened in between. At that point, my resistance just melted away. A voice in my head told me to stop fighting it, to just go for it, that it wouldn't be like it was before, no one would ever have to know, and no one would get hurt. That voice is such a liar.

I've won't go into the details of what followed, since I posted them in other threads, but she eventually realized that I could never give her what she really wanted, since I was already married, and she called the whole thing off. And it hurt like hell. I eventually got over it, but not before I cracked and confessed the whole thing to my wife. For awhile after that, she made a great effort to keep me satisfied, and she even seemed to want it. For awhile, we were doing it almost every day, when there were no time-of-the-month issues. But before long, things went back to the way they were before, and I started to remember why I did what I did. And I actually started to seek it out.

Eventually, I hooked up with another woman I had known for awhile. From talking to her, we found we have a lot in common -- many of the same hopes, fears, and beliefs. And I guess I fell really hard for her. When I felt things starting to happen again, I felt the same out-of-control feelings I had before, but with one difference -- the last time, I was fighting them; this time I wasn't. I just wanted someone to want me. And everything seemed great. But like before, it all had to come to an end. I'm still not sure I understand the reasons. They're not the same as the last time. She said something about how sex with me is too much work, that she just wants to do it and get off, while I like to take my time and make it last. How ironic is that? So while she wants us to stay friends, she doesn't think she can keep doing the "sex" thing with me. To her, it's not a big deal, and she can't understand why it's such a big deal to me. I'm not upset with her, she can't help how she feels anymore than I can. And I hope we don't lose our friendship over this whole mess.

So there it is. I'm kind of going back and forth now, between feeling numb and hurting. Normally, when something upsets me, I can get over it pretty quickly, but I can't seem to summon the will to pull myself out from under it this time. I know this, like everything else that has and will happen, will pass, but I'm hurting now. And I probably shouldn't be in the beer now, but I have to do something.

Someone in this thread mentioned that I should get a divorce and be done with it, but then what? I hook up with someone else and just do the same thing to her? My best friend thinks that I just haven't found the right woman, and that if I did, I'd stop wanting to do the things I do, but I'm not so sure she's right. (Yes, my best friend is a woman; and no, I never did anything with her.) I think maybe I was always this way, and just never knew it, and that I'm too far gone now to ever come back. Someone else suggested I may be what she referred to as "polyamorous." Maybe she's right.

I can't even get myself off now. Every time I try to, I start thinking about her, and get to depressed to do anything. Right now, I'm starting to rethink the whole "cheating" thing, but deep down I know that if I get into a similar situation again, I won't be able to stop myself. And so begins the cyle anew....

I don't know why I even started this thread, but I figured since I did, and it didn't make a whole lot of sense, I'd try to clarify things a bit.

 

[SweetErika]

Someone in this thread mentioned that I should get a divorce and be done with it, but then what? I hook up with someone else and just do the same thing to her? My best friend thinks that I just haven't found the right woman, and that if I did, I'd stop wanting to do the things I do, but I'm not so sure she's right. (Yes, my best friend is a woman; and no, I never did anything with her.) I think maybe I was always this way, and just never knew it, and that I'm too far gone now to ever come back. Someone else suggested I may be what she referred to as "polyamorous." Maybe she's right.

... Right now, I'm starting to rethink the whole "cheating" thing, but deep down I know that if I get into a similar situation again, I won't be able to stop myself. And so begins the cyle anew....

Why pretend to be monogamous at all? If you divorced, there's no rule saying you have to get into another relationship where monogamy is expected. If you don't want to be with one person, then get honest with yourself and anyone in the future about that. If you insist you can't control yourself, then don't promise you can or you'll try.

I cringe when I hear polyamory associated with lying and cheating, but perhaps a relationship style such as polyamory or swinging that allows for multiple loving or sexual relationships in an open, honest way is something for you to look into.

At any rate, there's no point in cheating, harming your wife, and being miserable. Being honest with yourself and her will be far less painful in the long run than hating yourself and living a lie.

 

[Shadow Thief]

I cringe when I hear polyamory associated with lying and cheating, but perhaps a relationship style such as polyamory or swinging that allows for multiple loving or sexual relationships in an open, honest way is something for you to look into.

Believe me, I wish I didn't have to lie. I don't like this "sneaking around" shit, but what am I supposed to do? I wish I could just tell her "I'm going to go see _______, I'll be home later." But how many people out there could actually be OK with it? If she could just realize that I need a lot more sex than she does, and let me get it elsewhere when she's not in the mood, I'd be crazy to leave her. I don't know how to say it without sounding selfish, but I have needs.

My wife thinks I'm having some kind of mid-life crisis. Maybe there's some truth to that, I don't know. But I find it hard to believe that it's all me.

 

[naughtygirl69s]

ut at some point after we got married, things started to change. As I said before, she started to lose interest in doing things. I'm not just talking about sex. I'm also talking about getting out of the house and doing things like hanging out at the bar with our friends, seeing a movie, or even just going for a walk.

have you considered getting her some help? This sounds more than just sex, maybe she's depressed.

Your attitude about this entire thing is shitty, btw. It's all about ME ME ME ME, to you. Everytime you talk about cheating, etc, you refer to YOUR needs, YOUR feelings, YOUR guilt, and talk about how it's HER FAULT.

You're approaching this all wrong, and I generally feel sorry for men that are in non-sexual relationships, but YOU and HER need some serious help.

 

[Quoll]

at some point after we got married, things started to change. As I said before, she started to lose interest in doing things. I'm not just talking about sex. I'm also talking about getting out of the house and doing things like hanging out at the bar with our friends, seeing a movie, or even just going for a walk.

have you considered getting her some help? This sounds more than just sex, maybe she's depressed.

Your attitude about this entire thing is shitty, btw. It's all about ME ME ME ME, to you. Everytime you talk about cheating, etc, you refer to YOUR needs, YOUR feelings, YOUR guilt, and talk about how it's HER FAULT.

You're approaching this all wrong, and I generally feel sorry for men that are in non-sexual relationships, but YOU and HER need some serious help.

That's what grabbed me too, very typical depression symptons.

 

[M's girl]

Before I go on, I'd like to address the people who judge me for what I've done. I'm not going to flame any of you, because there was a time when I felt the same way. But have any of you actually been in the situation I'm in? If you were with someone who just didn't seem to want you, and there was someone else who was physically attractive AND had a nice personality, can you honestly say you wouldn't have done what I did?

I can..... and yes, I've been there.

Never EVER was tempted (and it's not like there were not plenty of opportunities!) to get my kicks elsewhere though. Always tried to work it out and if it did not after long and hard, and sometimes hopeless, sessions of trying to get it right I would get out.... but not before I tried to get things back on track where they belong!

 

[M's girl]

Why pretend to be monogamous at all? If you divorced, there's no rule saying you have to get into another relationship where monogamy is expected. If you don't want to be with one person, then get honest with yourself and anyone in the future about that. If you insist you can't control yourself, then don't promise you can or you'll try.

I cringe when I hear polyamory associated with lying and cheating, but perhaps a relationship style such as polyamory or swinging that allows for multiple loving or sexual relationships in an open, honest way is something for you to look into.

At any rate, there's no point in cheating, harming your wife, and being miserable. Being honest with yourself and her will be far less painful in the long run than hating yourself and living a lie.

Erika is right, as usual. Although I think more along the lines of what NaughtyGirl said. But I've learned from Erika about polyamory. It's not for me; never will be, but I think society finally had to give in to the fact that this behaviour (I don't mean that in a negative way, I hope you understand that) is maybe something that needs to be more acceptable to more people?

Being in a relationship and especially also saying I do means that you will share all your ups and downs together, at least, in my book. There's always going to be really good aspects in a relationship and there is always going to be bad ones. Deal with it! Cheating is not the answer.

I see men react differently to cheating. There's the ones that don't give a fuck who they hurt in the process and there's the ones that are always sorry afterwards but also will always do it again (and again). I think YOU (ST) will always give in in the end and will always regret it. You're not only hurting your wife, but also yourself. If you can't get yourself to be faithfull than don't promide that to your wife and yourself anymore. You are hurting her now anyway, she should make a choice if she still wants to be with you, knowing that you never will be faithfull to her. If she chooses not to, you should leave, is my opinion.

I think you have to seriously consider what Erika had to say. You won't find a lot of people who think alike (or will admit it, like the stage you are in now maybe) but they are out there. Erika is good proof and I think she and het husband have really managed to find a modus that works really well for them and I think that is how it should be.

I hope I don't sound too judgemental in any direction. All I'm saying is people are really hurting at this moment, including yourself. Do something!

 

[Bandit58]

The married guy I got involved with is a serial cheater, so I found out later. He found another woman in his town (he and I met online and he lived 4 hours drive away, so we could only see each other every couple of months or so). He was feeding her the same lines he fed me (she and I knew each other on ICQ but never met in person). I chatted to this lady a few months ago and he's still with his wife. I'm sure he has others stashed away, feeding them the same lies. I'm no longer in contact with him, after he emailed me and seemed to think that if I ever came back to NZ we could pick up again where we left off, even if it was just for a few hours. NO WAY is that ever going to happen.

So this is a really sore point with me. Now I'm in a great relationship with honesty and trust at the centre of it, I can see now how misled I was by this man.

Gil and I have an open relationship as far as women are concerned. I am bi and he doesn't want me to close off that part of my sexuality, as I did for many many years. We played together with another woman for the first time quite recently and his cock stayed in his pants. I am the only one who gets that For the rest, he pleasured her orally and taught her about her g spot, and she and I played together while he watched. I'm also allowed to play with females alone. If I want I can say "I'm going to see so-and-so, back in a while" and it's perfectly ok with him, so yes it does happen. I'm not interested at all in playing with other men. I love Gil He is all the man I want and need.

 

[Ezzy]

Deal with it! Cheating is not the answer!

This is the core of my answer. If it is not working for you then leave, divorce, live your own life, if the only thing that is negative en your relaitionship is the lack of sex and everything else is ok, or great, or the best ever, then get your selfish side turned off and get an with your marriage, (which is what you were asking how to do, but I don't have an answer as to "how to un-think something").

If you are going to stick with the marriage, then like others have suggested I think you should seek proffesional councilling.

If you are intending to fulfil you sexual needs no matter what then get out of the marriage for everyones sake.

 

[Shadow Thief]

I can..... and yes, I've been there.

Never EVER was tempted (and it's not like there were not plenty of opportunities!) to get my kicks elsewhere though. Always tried to work it out and if it did not after long and hard, and sometimes hopeless, sessions of trying to get it right I would get out.... but not before I tried to get things back on track where they belong!

Fair enough.

I know I must come off sounding completely selfish, but I'm not as heartless as I sound. Ironically, it might be easier if I was completely selfish. I can't bring myself to divorce her, and just leave her all alone. I know she'd be devastated if I left her. But I can't just sit by feeling unwanted, either. I did feel guilty at first, but after one too many times of hearing "Don't touch me", "leave me alone", and "Let's get this over with", it became difficult to feel guilty. I can't be happy knowing she's unhappy, so I guess I can't be happy either way.

To the person who said she sounds depressed, I agree. One time when I tried to talk to her about all this, she even said it herself, but she didn't seem too interested in doing anything about it.

I'm really not a bad guy. I'm just lonely. It is possible to be with someone, and still feel lonely. I try to do things with her, including non-sexual things, but she's just not interested. Most of the time, she ends up going upstairs and watching TV. There is another TV downstairs where I usually am, and I'm not usually watching anything important. I've told her this, and she agrees with me, but nothing ever changes.

Sometimes I just want to look her in the eye, and tell her, "I miss you." I don't think she'd understand, and if I explained it, I think she'd just get upset again.

 

[Norajane]

Fair enough.

I know I must come off sounding completely selfish, but I'm not as heartless as I sound. Ironically, it might be easier if I was completely selfish. I can't bring myself to divorce her, and just leave her all alone. I know she'd be devastated if I left her. But I can't just sit by feeling unwanted, either. I did feel guilty at first, but after one too many times of hearing "Don't touch me", "leave me alone", and "Let's get this over with", it became difficult to feel guilty. I can't be happy knowing she's unhappy, so I guess I can't be happy either way.

To the person who said she sounds depressed, I agree. One time when I tried to talk to her about all this, she even said it herself, but she didn't seem too interested in doing anything about it.

I'm really not a bad guy. I'm just lonely. It is possible to be with someone, and still feel lonely. I try to do things with her, including non-sexual things, but she's just not interested. Most of the time, she ends up going upstairs and watching TV. There is another TV downstairs where I usually am, and I'm not usually watching anything important. I've told her this, and she agrees with me, but nothing ever changes.

Sometimes I just want to look her in the eye, and tell her, "I miss you." I don't think she'd understand, and if I explained it, I think she'd just get upset again.

I'm sorry, but what you've described here sound like a living, breathing hell. You two are in a bad, bad place, and you're just pushing each other further and further away - and you're both allowing it to happen without lifting a finger to change it.

Do something different - what you're doing isn't making things better or even bearable. You're both miserable, probably depressed and her libido's through the floor.

Please, get some counseling. Make that a priority right now.

Maybe go by yourself for a while until you're more clear on what you want. Tell your wife you've started seeing a therapist to help you with your marriage. Ask her to think about coming with you. Invite her to join you the next time you go.

 

[Salendire]

Sometimes I just want to look her in the eye, and tell her, "I miss you." I don't think she'd understand, and if I explained it, I think she'd just get upset again.

This line almost made me burst into tears, i had something very simmilar with my ex, main difference was that i never cheated on him, I tried to see a therapsit and sort out our emotional/sexual problems but none of this helped for us, he and i both go so depressed that eventually i ended both his and my suffering and left him. I am now a much better person, happy etc etc.

Unfortunatly i cannot say the same for him, it has been almost a year and a half since i left him and he still mourns for our relationship, even thought he knows i have a boyfriend and that i would never go back to him.

I really hope everything works out for u and u find an option that works for both u and your wife, i shudder to imagine what u and her alike are going through at the moment.

Maybe u should just grab her by the shoulders and tell her that u miss her, find a way to get through to her, dont be affraid to express yourself in whatever way u see fit, remember women are emotional creatures most of the time and its a high chance that an emotional plee will get through to her.

 

[jerseyman1963]

How do you turn off that part of you that tells you you're not happy? I apparently did it once before, and it served me well for years, until someone came along and showed me what I was missing, and then vanished once I got attached to her. And now it's happening to me all over again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? And why do I care? Why can't I just be happy that I got some? Why does it fucking hurt so bad? Why can't I just fuck someone without getting attached to her?

Don't turn it off, and don't run away from it. It's telling you something very serious that you should listen to: that you are really, really unhappy with your current circumstances. I've been there. It's happening to you "all over again" because the last time you felt this way, you found a way to distract yourself. This time, it hurts more because it is becoming harder and harder for you to ignore the fact that your current circumstances are not making you happy. Seems like you're trying really, really hard to ignore it, but you have a clue that there might be a better way. You care about all this because deep down you would like to be happy. But it sounds like you're having a hard time taking responsibility for doing some work on it. Unfortunately, you're the only one that CAN do anything about it, and you should. Life's too short to spend it living a lie that makes you unhappy. You need to take charge of your life and change it for YOU. Saying things like, "...and suddeny I found myself kissing another woman..." is a bullshit cop out. Sorry to be so blunt, but if you really didn't want to kiss or fool around with a woman other than your wife, you wouldn't. I'm not judging you by the way. I've done my fair share of dopey things I later looked back on and said, "What was I thinking?" I am just trying to point out that it's up to YOU how you want to live your life, and you're responsible for your actions. Your unhappiness is telling you something; that you're not satisfied emotionally or physically with your current circumstances. So listen to that and use it as an opportunity to go figure out what WILL make you happy. You owe it to yourself, and by the way, you also owe it to your wife. If she's not making you happy any more, don't string her along. Breaking up is, in fact, hard to do, but it's more honest than living a lie. And chances are, you're not making her happy either. You both deserve better. We all do. You're hurting more now because you're feeling it. Your first impulse will be to run the other way. However, I suggest, from personal experience, which might or might not be relevant, that you ought to, if not actually run into the fire, at least stand still and start thinking about which direction you WANT to go, not just run in the direction of the easiest distraction. It's a longer and harder road than others you might choose, but it's potentially more rewarding.

 

[SweetErika]

Don't turn it off, and don't run away from it. It's telling you something very serious that you should listen to: that you are really, really unhappy with your current circumstances. I've been there. It's happening to you "all over again" because the last time you felt this way, you found a way to distract yourself. This time, it hurts more because it is becoming harder and harder for you to ignore the fact that your current circumstances are not making you happy. Seems like you're trying really, really hard to ignore it, but you have a clue that there might be a better way. You care about all this because deep down you would like to be happy. But it sounds like you're having a hard time taking responsibility for doing some work on it. Unfortunately, you're the only one that CAN do anything about it, and you should. Life's too short to spend it living a lie that makes you unhappy. You need to take charge of your life and change it for YOU. Saying things like, "...and suddeny I found myself kissing another woman..." is a bullshit cop out. Sorry to be so blunt, but if you really didn't want to kiss or fool around with a woman other than your wife, you wouldn't. I'm not judging you by the way. I've done my fair share of dopey things I later looked back on and said, "What was I thinking?" I am just trying to point out that it's up to YOU how you want to live your life, and you're responsible for your actions. Your unhappiness is telling you something; that you're not satisfied emotionally or physically with your current circumstances. So listen to that and use it as an opportunity to go figure out what WILL make you happy. You owe it to yourself, and by the way, you also owe it to your wife. If she's not making you happy any more, don't string her along. Breaking up is, in fact, hard to do, but it's more honest than living a lie. And chances are, you're not making her happy either. You both deserve better. We all do. You're hurting more now because you're feeling it. Your first impulse will be to run the other way. However, I suggest, from personal experience, which might or might not be relevant, that you ought to, if not actually run into the fire, at least stand still and start thinking about which direction you WANT to go, not just run in the direction of the easiest distraction. It's a longer and harder road than others you might choose, but it's potentially more rewarding.

Well said!