How to turn a shy guy into Master?

[knk0013]

I am a control freak, and like many, the idea of giving that control to someone else really gets me excited, but there is a hitch...

My husband of 5 years is a very passive, shy & nerdy game programmer and although he does gain more confidence while in the bedroom, it is not enough.

I want him to do more, and so does he, but he backs down at my slightest whimper with an apology, and when he tries too hard, I just can't take him seriously and end up laughing, which break the whole thing and makes it feel like a flimsy illusion.

I don't know if it is just how he talks to me or -more likely- because I know him outside of the roll I want him to take on.

If you start a relationship with roles in mind, it is easy I am sure, but how does a couple who is dom/sub in the day turn to sub/dom at night?

I am looking for him to be something like BoyFromEngland (girls if you have not listened to his velvet voiced audio stories on literotica, I suggest you do!); his appreciation for and dominance of women if the perfect balance for me.

Added from later post for question clarity: "My husband knows that BDSM stands for but does not know what it is and how to achieve Dom status. He really wants to get there, but cannot quite figure out how to take off the "husband" hat and put on the "Dom" leather mask."

I feel like an idiot asking, since I am a sex therapist, but sadly we only had one class on the subject in school.

Thanks in advance!

 

[BiBunny]

You can't "turn" anyone into anything he/she doesn't want to be or isn't wired to be. I've come to the conclusion that the inner desire to dominate is either there or it's not. And if he's only wanting to do this to please you, then, chances are, it's not.

I'm sorry. I know that wasn't very helpful.

 

[knk0013]

No he does, very much, we just need help getting him there. It is a big turn on for him too, not just for me.

 

[Dominant_Chef]

No he does, very much, we just need help getting him there. It is a big turn on for him too, not just for me.

Dump the divvy and find a real man.

 

[BiBunny]

The techniques--flogging, bondage, whatever--can be learned. I really don't think the mindset can be. I could be wrong, however.

 

[EmpressFi]

The techniques--flogging, bondage, whatever--can be learned. I really don't think the mindset can be. I could be wrong, however.

I was kinda thinking the same thing. I can teach someone to tie me down and beat me, but not to dominate me.

 

[intothewoods]

I think we need a little more information about him, or from him, preferably. You say he wants to do more to take control, but I'm not getting that from the rest of your post. Laughing at him is probably not going to be a winner.

The bottom line is, is bdsm something both of you want from your relationship? If so, you both need to think about what aspects of bdsm appeal to you. What is it you both are looking for?

On the other hand, is it that either one or both of you is frustrated with the relationship, and using this as a diversion? Really and truly think about this. If the answer is yes, or maybe yes, bdsm is not going to magically fix things, especially if one of you wants it more than the other.

 

[knk0013]

Dump the divvy and find a real man.

Not an option, he is my soul mate

During the day I am a dominate person, and if I am with another dominate person I would not be happy. My dad calls me the "feminazi" =)

He has it in him, I can see peaks of it, but he needs to have the confidence to back it up. We can come close if we share a bottle of wine, but I want be able to remove his inhibitions without the use of alcohol

 

[Dominant_Chef]

I was kinda thinking the same thing. I can teach someone to tie me down and beat me, but not to dominate me.

Hell, there must be some desperate men in the US & A then...

Over here I doubt that you'd find a man willing to even accept payment for having the misfortune of beating you...

With regard to using rope on you… fuck me, you can only buy 200,000 metre lengths in the UK.

 

[knk0013]

I think we need a little more information about him, or from him, preferably.

Sadly, he is working 14 hours a day on Call of Duty 5 atm, and I am on my own till the end of the project.

You say he wants to do more to take control, but I'm not getting that from the rest of your post. Laughing at him is probably not going to be a winner.

It's not like the kid who falls down and everyone points and laugh. We both start laughing. It is just the way he says stuff; like a forceful command with a less than forceful word choice. He was the antisocial nerd in school and never really got around to learning social skills, so he has a disadvantage starting out. He was the one that never asked for a thing from anyone, even if he was being wronged.

The bottom line is, is bdsm something both of you want from your relationship? If so, you both need to think about what aspects of bdsm appeal to you. What is it you both are looking for?

Yes it very much is. And we both love BoyFromEngland and that is what level we are looking for. Neither of us are shy in our sexuality and we rarely have vanilla sex, we just want another twist to add to our repertoire.

On the other hand, is it that either one or both of you is frustrated with the relationship, and using this as a diversion? Really and truly think about this. If the answer is yes, or maybe yes, bdsm is not going to magically fix things, especially if one of you wants it more than the other.

As "Disney" as it sounds, we have the perfect relationship; he is my prince Charming. We are perfect for each other to the point of finishing each others sentences and -after 10 years of being together- still flirt are are called "sappy" by our family. We are very much in love.

Is there any other info I can give that might help you all help us?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Not an option, he is my soul mate

During the day I am a dominate person, and if I am with another dominate person I would not be happy. My dad calls me the "feminazi" =)

He has it in him, I can see peaks of it, but he needs to have the confidence to back it up. We can come close if we share a bottle of wine, but I want be able to remove his inhibitions without the use of alcohol

My relationship with my husband sounds a bit like your withyour husband. My husband and I did BDSM role-play for a bit because I really wanted to let out the submissive I had hid inside me. The problem wasn't so much that he couldn't dominate as much that I couldn't stop being a control freak with him. So we gave up trying and I found another man to be my Domiinant. (with hubby's knowledge and approval) It's not up to your husband to make you be submissive, you need to give up that control and do what he wants you to do the way he wants you to do it even if it isn't how you planned it. Now that would be submission.

 

[knk0013]

...It's not up to your husband to make you be submissive, you need to give up that control and do what he wants you to do the way he wants you to do it even if it isn't how you planned it. Now that would be submission.

THAT is the type of information I am looking for! Thanks and keep it coming!

 

[CutieMouse]

Not an option, he is my soul mate

During the day I am a dominate person, and if I am with another dominate person I would not be happy. My dad calls me the "feminazi" =)

He has it in him, I can see peaks of it, but he needs to have the confidence to back it up. We can come close if we share a bottle of wine, but I want be able to remove his inhibitions without the use of alcohol

The confidence will have to come from within him. You can help him along by being encouraging, supportive, vocal about what works and carefully discussing what doesn't - but in the end the confidence issue is his issue.

The Dallas 4th Friday munch meets at one of the Pappa's over off Loop 12; you might see if you can make some friendships/mentors through them. The Sanctuary for Lifestyle Arts might also have some social events/lecture series that could give you an opportunity to meet like minded kinky people. (both should be easily Google-able)

IMO it can be difficult to work through the whole "turn society on its ear" thing with the one you're busy turning - sometimes a bit of outside perspective can be helpful as you grow.

 

[YourCaptor]

I am a control freak, and like many, the idea of giving that control to someone else really gets me excited, but there is a hitch...

My husband of 5 years is a very passive, shy & nerdy game programmer and although he does gain more confidence while in the bedroom, it is not enough.

I want him to do more, and so does he, but he backs down at my slightest whimper with an apology, and when he tries too hard, I just can't take him seriously and end up laughing, which break the whole thing and makes it feel like a flimsy illusion.

I don't know if it is just how he talks to me or -more likely- because I know him outside of the roll I want him to take on.

If you start a relationship with roles in mind, it is easy I am sure, but how does a couple who is dom/sub in the day turn to sub/dom at night?

I am looking for him to be something like BoyFromEngland (girls if you have not listened to his velvet voiced audio stories on literotica, I suggest you do!); his appreciation for and dominance of women if the perfect balance for me.

I feel like an idiot asking, since I am a sex therapist, but sadly we only had one class on the subject in school.

Thanks in advance!

Get a safe word, so knows if you hurt good or bad.

 

[knk0013]

Get a safe word, so knows if you hurt good or bad.

We have one, and it has never been used by either of us. He just can't put "super-compassionate-never-hurt-a-fly-guy" away deep enough during sessions. I know he can, I don't want to give up on this; we are both committed to it.

 

[CutieMouse]

We have one, and it has never been used by either of us. He just can't put "super-compassionate-never-hurt-a-fly-guy" away deep enough during sessions. I know he can, I don't want to give up on this; we are both committed to it.

So think outside the box, and start with not hurting any flies. Once that's all comfy-cozy, start trapping flies. Once you get good at trapping them, use a [metaphorical] flyswatter and have fun.

 

[Netzach]

Laughing at me is not a confidence boost. Can the giggles as much as you can. I know it's hard. If it's laughable, he's probably following some kind of script that he's been handed by you on some level, maybe not intentionally even, but it's not him.

If you want to help him do what he supposedly *wants* to do, ask him. Ask him what he likes, what his vision of control and domination entails. Too mild for you and you want to stay in the relationship? Them's the breaks. If you want to give up control it can just as easily mean getting less of what you want than more of what you want. That's lack of control.

Oh, incidentally, this means shutting up when you ask and you get an answer. If you don't like it.

That's the hard part, I know.

However if a new Dominant is indeed Dominant and just figuring it out, then anything that craps in their confidence wheaties on the part of the partner is going to get you less of what you want and fast. Think of 10 things to tell him he's doing right and think of 20 more when you can't think of any.

The more you make him feel like a stud the higher those T levels go. The more critical you get, the lower. I know it's easy to go into nag mode when you're not getting any, but that's the anti-aphrodesiac - not that you're not getting sex. I just mean in terms of getting what you want out of this.

 

[Netzach]

We have one, and it has never been used by either of us. He just can't put "super-compassionate-never-hurt-a-fly-guy" away deep enough during sessions. I know he can, I don't want to give up on this; we are both committed to it.

Maybe that's who and what he is. YOU KNOW he can, what about him? Does he even want to?

If you can't allow someone who's "never hurt a fly" to control you, to hold the reins, and you feel like he's got to prove himself by acting how YOU want, exactly who's in control here?

 

[Zoots_owner]

Some view what you're talking about as impossible, they consider that dominance is inherent, and that you either have it or you don't. I'm not so pessimistic as that, but it may be an uphill fight, particularly if the person concerned seems a bit unclear on the concept. Because some sort of innate understanding of why and how dominance is a turn-on is NOT optional, in my opinion.

Maybe that's where things need to start. If he can truly and fully appreciate what it is that you get out of submission, maybe he can become, well... a service-oriented Dom. Those definitely do exist, and some submissives are quite happy with them. Guys get it beaten into their heads that it's BAD to use women, that love, appreciation and equality require a certain kind of treatment. They don't get taught that maybe love and appreciation may also be expressed by tying her up and using her roughly, and that sexual dominance or submission are unrelated to overall equality. He needs to get over the notion that an enlightened gentleman doesn't grab a woman by the hair and fuck her like an animal. Enlightened gentlemen should keep their women feeling satisfied and appreciated, even if that means unlearning a lifetime of stereotypes.

If he's not headed in that direction on his own, getting him there might require some "topping from the bottom," which flies in the face of conventional BDSM wisdom. If he ever does manage to take on that role, it will then be your turn to break some habits, give up the lead, and fully submit.

There are some good books on the subject, maybe your coffee table needs one.

Good luck with this, I don't know what your chances of success are, but no harm in trying, eh?

EDIT: An afterthought... if you DO work things into the sort of D/s relationship that you're contemplating, he will NOT be like some other Dom. He will need to find his own style. When he does that, you will stop feeling like laughing, because it won't be contrived anymore, it will be real.

 

[BiBunny]

Maybe that's who and what he is. YOU KNOW he can, what about him? Does he even want to?

If you can't allow someone who's "never hurt a fly" to control you, to hold the reins, and you feel like he's got to prove himself by acting how YOU want, exactly who's in control here?

Absolutely.

 

[Netzach]

Some view what you're talking about as impossible, they consider that dominance is inherent, and that you either have it or you don't. I'm not so pessimistic as that, but it may be an uphill fight, particularly if the person concerned seems a bit unclear on the concept. Because some sort of innate understanding of why and how dominance is a turn-on is NOT optional, in my opinion.

Maybe that's where things need to start. If he can truly and fully appreciate what it is that you get out of submission, maybe he can become, well... a service-oriented Dom. Those definitely do exist, and some submissives are quite happy with them. Guys get it beaten into their heads that it's BAD to use women, that love, appreciation and equality require a certain kind of treatment. They don't get taught that maybe love and appreciation may also be expressed by tying her up and using her roughly, and that sexual dominance or submission are unrelated to overall equality. He needs to get over the notion that an enlightened gentleman doesn't grab a woman by the hair and fuck her like an animal. Enlightened gentlemen should keep their women feeling satisfied and appreciated, even if that means unlearning a lifetime of stereotypes.

If he's not headed in that direction on his own, getting him there might require some "topping from the bottom," which flies in the face of conventional BDSM wisdom. If he ever does manage to take on that role, it will then be your turn to break some habits, give up the lead, and fully submit.

There are some good books on the subject, maybe your coffee table needs one.

Good luck with this, I don't know what your chances of success are, but no harm in trying, eh?

This is totally a good point. For some people simply knowing that when they channel their innner bastard it makes their woman (or dude) so painfully horny they can hardly talk is motivation enough to fake it till ya make it.

 

[Netzach]

The person I submit to is very socially non-committal, faced with a hierarchy. He can kick ass but really prefers to be left alone and camoflauges as harmless very well.

He calls almost every adult, service professional, doctor, man on the street or little old lady "Sir" or "Ma'am."

He doesn't like to play very rough with me. Biting hard is amusing to him, because he can make me just about cry without feeling like he's "hitting me" - you may do well to introduce your spouse to pinchy torturous pain and "icy hot" torments if it's pain you want. Amusingly enough he's had female sparring partners and has no problem "hitting" anyone, male or female, in that context. But fighting and fucking don't take left turns for him and that's that.

I'll often ask if there are little assignments and foolish things I can do for his amusement and it's rare that I get any, much as I love them. Tough tits for me.

 

[knk0013]

Hmm, me thinks that I am not getting across his desire to dominate me. It is my fault, I lack effective written communication skills.

When he is 100% coherent, it is more difficult for him, so he tries harder which has the opposite effect; acting. But when the "rational" part of his brain is on vacation, no acting is involved and he IS the dom.

For instance, last week he woke up in the middle of the night and while still partly asleep, proceeded to to turn me over and have anal with no lube. Pretty harsh, but I loved it and so did he.

However, the next morning he "remembered" what he did and apologized for it.

He is the type that can understand zeros and ones all day, but you throw a two in there and he does not know what to do (programmer joke). He is not the creative type, but if he had a book with step by step instructions, he could follow it to a T.

Does that help at all?

 

[Netzach]

Hmm, me thinks that I am not getting across his desire to dominate me. It is my fault, I lack effective written communication skills.

When he is 100% coherent, it is more difficult for him, so he tries harder which has the opposite effect; acting. But when the "rational" part of his brain is on vacation, no acting is involved and he IS the dom.

For instance, last week he woke up in the middle of the night and while still partly asleep, proceeded to to turn me over and have anal with no lube. Pretty harsh, but I loved it and so did he.

However, the next morning he "remembered" what he did and apologized for it.

He is the type that can understand zeros and ones all day, but you throw a two in there and he does not know what to do (programmer joke). He is not the creative type, but if he had a book with step by step instructions, he could follow it to a T.

Does that help at all?

It does help.

I'd stick with what effect midnight unlubed anal had on you. In that sense you're giving him some "instructions" kind of info when you explain this to him. He needs the manual and he needs the programming language as it were. Code is clunky before code is poetry. (CSS joke)

But check your own behavior. You yourself said you're a control freak (like I would know what that was...hahaha!) so I know what that means. People who are self professed control freaks tend to inform and inform. And then inform again later to manipulate. And then more.

You have to inform, trust, and close mouth.

Hard.

I know. Believe me, I know.

 

[CutieMouse]

Hmm, me thinks that I am not getting across his desire to dominate me. It is my fault, I lack effective written communication skills.

When he is 100% coherent, it is more difficult for him, so he tries harder which has the opposite effect; acting. But when the "rational" part of his brain is on vacation, no acting is involved and he IS the dom.

For instance, last week he woke up in the middle of the night and while still partly asleep, proceeded to to turn me over and have anal with no lube. Pretty harsh, but I loved it and so did he.

However, the next morning he "remembered" what he did and apologized for it.

He is the type that can understand zeros and ones all day, but you throw a two in there and he does not know what to do (programmer joke). He is not the creative type, but if he had a book with step by step instructions, he could follow it to a T.

Does that help at all?

Good low key intro book.

Slightly more intense starter book.

the difficulty with "step by step" instructions, is that someone else's steps might not be his. If mindfucks get him/you hot as hell, being led through "how to role play pirate/captive" ain't gonna do him a lick of good - and vice versa.