How to train a slave on line

[realwanderer]

Hello, I am quite new in this particaular thing. And I posted the same message on the How To forum. To which I was immediately advised to come here. So I copy is over. Please read below: By the way the girl in question is a stranger to me.

Hello,
I am in e-mail with a girl right now who wants to be trained as a slave.
We live in different countries, so from a practical piont of view that is the easiest thing. Also both our private situations would not allow for a hands on approach.
The problem is that I have no experience as Dom. let alone cyber dom. so I prommised her I would seek the required knowledge.

Can any body give me some inputs on how to go about it?
My style would not be overly rude. I would not like to use a stream of insults as means to an end.
looking forward to your reply
Edit/Delete Message

 

[Chicklet]

you could try reading up on D/s and gaining some knowledge about what you're embarking on... that might be a good first step.

I can't remember where the thread with the library suggestions is... maybe someone can link?

 

[FurryFury]

You might want to see this thread.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=414320

Keep in mind whatever you two end up doing online MUST be tailored to both this woman's needs and your own. Each of you will have things you do and do not want to do. It is the areas that are the same that you want to play in if at all.

You might try on of the BDSM interest surveys both take the same one and discuss why things were marked by the other one as it was.

These surveys and more can be found in this thread:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656

Read anything that interests you and her and then decide what you want to do.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[MasterSnatch]

To be blunt about this I find most people can train a person on their own or they can't. If you got to read about it to know than all your doing is what someone else did, basically your copying and not really doing much yourself. Some people out there tend to think they are masters or dommes and alot of the time they are pretty bad just like some subs and slaves are terrible at what they are, I know one guy thought getting the girl to do the bills and take out the trash as he ordered was part of being what a domme is about. He really had no clue but thought he did. Needless to say she wasn't too thrilled with him.

There are some people who can learn but to really train a person it's not about wanting to be dominate or acting as such it's simply being one. It's who you are, what you are and how you are. It's part of you and your way of life. If that is true for you then you partly know what to do regardless and there is nothing wrong with looking up more to know what to do. However if none of that applies it's only acting and nothing more.

 

[FurryFury]

To be blunt about this I find most people can train a person on their own or they can't. If you got to read about it to know than all your doing is what someone else did, basically your copying and not really doing much yourself. Some people out there tend to think they are masters or dommes and alot of the time they are pretty bad just like some subs and slaves are terrible at what they are, I know one guy thought getting the girl to do the bills and take out the trash as he ordered was part of being what a domme is about. He really had no clue but thought he did. Needless to say she wasn't too thrilled with him.

There are some people who can learn but to really train a person it's not about wanting to be dominate or acting as such it's simply being one. It's who you are, what you are and how you are. It's part of you and your way of life. If that is true for you then you partly know what to do regardless and there is nothing wrong with looking up more to know what to do. However if none of that applies it's only acting and nothing more.

It's true that either your orientation is as a Dominant, submissive, switch or (possibly?) none of these, but one isn't always aware of these things.

A year and a half or so ago, I wasn't. When I did become aware of these distinctions and my appetite, craving and need for D/s it took me a while to figure out what I was at core.

Without reading a lot about things and yes, even copying some things, playing at the whole concept I would have never been able to figure it out. That's why I see great value in such explorations even if they are classified as "acting and nothing more."

Fury

PS That's a nice list of hot Lit women you have there! *smiles*

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I know one guy thought getting the girl to do the bills and take out the trash as he ordered was part of being what a domme is about. He really had no clue but thought he did...

What's wrong with having your girl take care of the bills and take out the trash? What's wrong with having your boy mow the yard and keep the shrubs trimmed? What's wrong with having your slave(s) keep the house clean and neat and preparing your meals?

Having my slave _serve_ me is most definitely part of what being a Dominant is about, and that service includes household chores. If all my girl wanted was kinky sex she would not be a submissive or a slave, she would be a bottom. And while I am quite happy to scene with a bottom I do not want to have a long term relationship with one. After all, MY need to control and to be in authority has to be met in the relationship as well.

Sorry about the hijack but I couldn't let that particular idea stand without presenting an opposing viewpoint. A BDSM relationship _can_ be all about domestic service and power exchange. It will depend on the needs of the people involved.

 

[the captians wench]

As children we play games that eventually teach us something about how the adult world will be. We give little girls dolls and they nurse them and "act" like little mommies mimicing the things that their mommy does. Or they may pretend to cook and take care of their little family. We give them blocks and then show them how they stack on top of each other, and the child mimics these acts until they learn the basics and then they play and experiment themselves building basic motor skills and hand eye corodination. So why is it that when we are adults and we "play pretend" we are critisized as fakers and wanna bes? Of course we wanna be! Why would we be trying it if we didn't? But insted of incouraging this learning we tend to look down on these newbies and tell them they should just know. HTF are they supossed to just know? True the basic personality is probably either there or not, but personally I'd rather some one read and study up on a techinque before they go at me with a new whip claiming they "just know" how to use it. A mind trip is the same, and with online relationships the state of mind is key because there's not that physical contact as an offline relationship. I don't want anyone playing around in my head who doesn't have some sort of knowledge of what they are doing besides a gut instict.

Anyway, my advice to you dear, would be as Fury said, talk talk talk. Comunication is key, online, offline, D/s or "nilla" doesn't matter. Without comunication people get hurt, physically and emotionally. Read, find out what you like and talk to her about it, and encourage her to do the same. Then work with that. Above all, enjoy each other.

 

[FurryFury]

Those are some good points CW!

*smiles*

"Playing" at something is not always "being a fake." Play is in fact one of the best ways of learning.

Research something is just plain smart when you or someone you care about have an interest in a certain topic.

(God forbid you have a submissive who can't talk, or has "no desires of her own" and only wants to please you.)

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Can any body give me some inputs on how to go about it?

Good afternoon real wanderer. I won't pretend I have all the answers, and I applaud your efforts to learn more. I will happily share my thoughts on the subject of how to go about training someone who desires to be your slave. I would recommend that you go about training a slave online the same way you would go about training a slave in realtime:

#1 - Identify _your_ needs and desires. If you don't know what you want or need in the realtionship, how can you possibly communicate what you want & need to your slave?
#2 - Communicate with your slave to determine his/her needs and desires
#3 - Determine if you and the slave have compatible needs and desires. As an example: if you want monogamy and the slave needs a poly relationship to be happy, there is obviously going to be some accomodation somewhere or someone will be going without their needs being met and that will shorten the relationship considerably.
#4 - Begin working with the slave to meet their needs. This builds trust, obedience, and their desire to please you.
#5 - Begin setting tasks and duties that are within the slaves current skills to build self-esteem and confidence in the slave, and to begin meeting your needs. Assigning duties to a slave that the slave has no knowledge of is setting them up for failure, that leads to frustration and feelings of inadequacy and failure. Not a good way to build a quality relationship.
#6 - Enforce these assigned tasks and duties fairly and firmly. This shows the slave you are consistent and builds trust.
#7 - Begin working with the slave so they acquire new skills and knowledge in order to challenge them and foster growth, and to meet more of your own needs.
#8 - Continue to communicate with your slave to make sure you are meeting _their_ needs and desires. There is a reason that we call this a power _exchange_, in turning over power and authority to you as their Owner, you are accepting the responsibility for the care and well-being of the slave.
#9 - Work on your own skills. Build your confidence and competency in many areas. By growing as a person yourself, you lead your slave by example.

This should be plenty enough to keep you busy for a while. There are excellent books available to help you develop your own path and style, you can find them at places like:

http://www.mysticrose.com/
http://www.greenerypress.com/
http://www.daedaluspublishing.com/

Good luck in your journey.

 

[the captians wench]

Those are some good points CW!

*smiles*

"Playing" at something is not always "being a fake." Play is in fact one of the best ways of learning.

Research something is just plain smart when you or someone you care about have an interest in a certain topic.

(God forbid you have a submissive who can't talk, or has "no desires of her own" and only wants to please you.)

Fury

Thank you.

I guess a lot of that still hits a bit close to home.

I was really lucky in that I had friends that saw this in me, and as I nervously aproached them, they started gradually introducing me at a pace that wasn't over whelming. I wasn't thrown in and expected to always be on my knees, and to know how I was to adress them and when I was to adress them as such. They helped me along a lot, but even under their care there were still those that called me a wanna be or a faker because I didn't adress every dom as sir, or what ever. It's like I was expected to know everyones expectations from birth, and the fact that I didn't ment that I wasn't a "true sub". Which is all just a bunch of bullshit. Hell I'm still not required to call my Dom Sir all the time. Everyone's expectations are going to be different, and everyone's ideals of what a sub, slave, dom or master is is also going to vary.


Okay, I'm going to quite ranting and thread jacking now.

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you.

I guess a lot of that still hits a bit close to home.

I was really lucky in that I had friends that saw this in me, and as I nervously aproached them, they started gradually introducing me at a pace that wasn't over whelming. I wasn't thrown in and expected to always be on my knees, and to know how I was to adress them and when I was to adress them as such. They helped me along a lot, but even under their care there were still those that called me a wanna be or a faker because I didn't adress every dom as sir, or what ever. It's like I was expected to know everyones expectations from birth, and the fact that I didn't ment that I wasn't a "true sub". Which is all just a bunch of bullshit. Hell I'm still not required to call my Dom Sir all the time. Everyone's expectations are going to be different, and everyone's ideals of what a sub, slave, dom or master is is also going to vary.


Okay, I'm going to quite ranting and thread jacking now.

This sort of thing gets into Dom wannabe territory IMO.

It's an attempt to manipulate a sub for what they want which IMO is not a D/s relationship at all but a quickie that's free and pretty one sided.

Fury

Good afternoon real wanderer. I won't pretend I have all the answers, and I applaud your efforts to learn more. I will happily share my thoughts on the subject of how to go about training someone who desires to be your slave. I would recommend that you go about training a slave online the same way you would go about training a slave in realtime:

#1 - Identify _your_ needs and desires. If you don't know what you want or need in the realtionship, how can you possibly communicate what you want & need to your slave?
#2 - Communicate with your slave to determine his/her needs and desires
#3 - Determine if you and the slave have compatible needs and desires. As an example: if you want monogamy and the slave needs a poly relationship to be happy, there is obviously going to be some accomodation somewhere or someone will be going without their needs being met and that will shorten the relationship considerably.
#4 - Begin working with the slave to meet their needs. This builds trust, obedience, and their desire to please you.
#5 - Begin setting tasks and duties that are within the slaves current skills to build self-esteem and confidence in the slave, and to begin meeting your needs. Assigning duties to a slave that the slave has no knowledge of is setting them up for failure, that leads to frustration and feelings of inadequacy and failure. Not a good way to build a quality relationship.
#6 - Enforce these assigned tasks and duties fairly and firmly. This shows the slave you are consistent and builds trust.
#7 - Begin working with the slave so they acquire new skills and knowledge in order to challenge them and foster growth, and to meet more of your own needs.
#8 - Continue to communicate with your slave to make sure you are meeting _their_ needs and desires. There is a reason that we call this a power _exchange_, in turning over power and authority to you as their Owner, you are accepting the responsibility for the care and well-being of the slave.
#9 - Work on your own skills. Build your confidence and competency in many areas. By growing as a person yourself, you lead your slave by example.

This should be plenty enough to keep you busy for a while. There are excellent books available to help you develop your own path and style, you can find them at places like:

http://www.mysticrose.com/
http://www.greenerypress.com/
http://www.daedaluspublishing.com/

Good luck in your journey.

Great stuff Evil_Geoff!

Fury

 

[realwanderer]

Thanks so far.

Thanks to you all for taking time to reply.
I do not pretend to be an expert, and who knows, mayb this has to be an experience to prove it is not for me. But the oppertunity has presented its self, and it turns me on. So I think I should have a go at it. The girls who is interested in being a slave is also a self confessed new bie, so the blind leading the blind so to say. Who knows maybe we have beginners luck.

An other aspect of this is that the whole idea would be only by E-mail and chat.
perhaps that is a turn off for some of you, or you might think it is not the real deal, but under the circumstances this would work the best for both of us.

Any how, I welcome you thoughts, so please feel free to comment.

Cheers!!

 

[chris9]

Thanks to you all for taking time to reply.
I do not pretend to be an expert, and who knows, mayb this has to be an experience to prove it is not for me. But the oppertunity has presented its self, and it turns me on. So I think I should have a go at it. The girls who is interested in being a slave is also a self confessed new bie, so the blind leading the blind so to say. Who knows maybe we have beginners luck.

An other aspect of this is that the whole idea would be only by E-mail and chat.
perhaps that is a turn off for some of you, or you might think it is not the real deal, but under the circumstances this would work the best for both of us.

Any how, I welcome you thoughts, so please feel free to comment.

Cheers!!

There's a pretty long discussion about online going on. Many here either started online and moved to real life, or keep it online, so it's pretty common.

 

[Private_Label]

Thanks to you all for taking time to reply.
I do not pretend to be an expert, and who knows, mayb this has to be an experience to prove it is not for me.
...

Any how, I welcome you thoughts, so please feel free to comment.

Cheers!!

Even if it ulimately turns out this is not for you, you are taking the time to research this to see if it will work for you. You will come out of this with a better understanding of yourself and what you want. That is always a good thing.