How to: take on this situation?

[guy17]

Ok so I got a bomb dropped on me lastnight, but here is some background to the situation.

Broke up with the girlfriend of nearly 3 years about 3 months ago. I did everything I could to cut off all contact and try to get over her and whatnot. However the reason we broke up was because she wanted to date other people, which she has been doing. However about 3 weeks ago we started talking again and she basically said that from the 2 guys she dated, she was just looking for me which made her realize I was the one she really wanted. Since she was the one that broke up with me, I was willing to sit down and have some long, serious talks about our realtionship and future together.

Ok so all is fine and dandy, Right? Wrong. Last night we were talking about the time inbetween when there was no contact. I knew she had dated other people, and the dating/kissing this kind of hurt to think about, but was expected from something like this. She had absolutely no more connection to me and was free to do what she pleased. She was such an innocent woman, and we were eachother first and only sexual partners. However, I kept asking her about things that happened between her and her dates, and after a very short time of knowing one guy she slept in his bed. Not only this, but when they were both drunk, he was on top of her kissing and I guess quickly whipped it out, pulled off her pants/underwear and was able to get the tip in before she pushed him off of her. She says she didn't think it would happen or want it to happen at all. She then went out and slept on a couch with a friend. The next day was the last time she saw him and completely ignores him now because of this.

I'm also a bit concerned about whether or not what she told me is the whole truth. I mean, by the time someone takes it out, pulls your pants off and gets your legs apart far enough to be able to to put it in, I would think you would have an idea of what is going on and be able to stop it. It makes me wonder if she is lying to me trying to cover heself while she really wanted it to happen, or am I just being too paranoid about the whole thing.

This whole thing is absolutely driving me insane. My biggest concern is whether or not I should have asked her about this. Did curiosity kill the cat? I'm also wondering if I should even care about it, or just forget it because we had no intentions of a future together at the time. It just seems like such a huge turnoff about her since we were eachother's only partners and I liked it a lot better that way. She of course feels horrible about this and is willing to do anything to make it better, but what can even be done? How is this situation supposed to be handled?

 

[cloudy]

Hard, cold fact of life:

Don't ask her any questions that you don't want to know the answers to. You think you want to know, but I can tell from your post that you really don't.

I hate to tell you this because I know it's not what you want to hear, but what she did while the two of you weren't together is absolutely none of your business.

I realize I probably have a few years on you (you sound very, very young), but any man that's nosy like that about my personal business - and make no mistake, it's her business and no one else's - will likely get booted out the door in record speed. Leave it alone. It will only hurt you, and it's not your place to ask about it.

 

[CutieMouse]

A) what is there for her to feel horrible about?

B) what is there to "make up for"?

YOU WERE NOT A COUPLE when she fooled around with this guy. If you can't get past that, don't get back together. In the future, don't hound people with questions unless you are prepared to hear unpleasant answers. And just for safety sake, she really ought to consider STD testing, as it sounds like there might not have been condoms invovled.

 

[SweetErika]

My take?

You're overreacting and irrational right now.

You have no business being angry or hurt because what happened while you were broken up is none of your concern (beyond possible health issues if you have sexual contact with her again).

Your relationship is likely doomed if you don't dial it back and start trusting her.

 

[midwestyankee]

My take is that you're young, naive, and self-centered. You see your former girlfriend as a form of property and cannot get it into your head that she has a life of her own and is both capable of and responsible for making her own choices.

But that's just my tuppence and I'm merely an experienced old fart who ought to know better than to try to counsel callow youth who already have all of life's answers secured damply in their shorts.

 

[EveAnna]

This whole thing is absolutely driving me insane. My biggest concern is whether or not I should have asked her about this. Did curiosity kill the cat? I'm also wondering if I should even care about it, or just forget it because we had no intentions of a future together at the time. It just seems like such a huge turnoff about her since we were eachother's only partners and I liked it a lot better that way. She of course feels horrible about this and is willing to do anything to make it better, but what can even be done? How is this situation supposed to be handled?

She's probably wishing she'd never said anything to you. But you two weren't a couple when this happened and it sounds like she was lucky to get away without being raped. She should not be feeling guilty, she was a free agent.

You can either accept that she might have had other partners in the time that you two broke up and get on with a relationship with her or if you can't accept what she might or might not have done then let her go.

 

[Eilan]

Are you upset because she was dating other people? Or because you weren't?

 

[fgarvb1]

She was probably slinging pussy out both panty legs. That does happen a lot in a couple like you two break up.

The thing is dude...ask her or not, even if you get a straight answer, you are still going to have to suck it up and carry on to have a futher relationship with her.

And make her get tested.

and hope she 's not pregant.

You see it all boils down to a matter of trust and you don't trust her with your heart anymore.

good luck.

 

[Bobmi357]

I'm going to buck the conventional flow here.

You do have a right to know what happened if she's trying to restart the relationship. If she wasn't, then it isn't your business, but the fact is, she is trying to get back together with you.

Personally I'd kick her to the curb and walk away. I'm not a very forgiving person. But that's me. You should insist on her getting a full range of STD tests, and share the results with you. I'd also insist on a paternity test for any children born with the next ten months.

You really don't have a right to be jealous, but you do have a right to be concerned. What Joe Blow gave her, could get passed to you.

Now as to the relationship, I think you both have some maturing to do. You have no right to be jealous of what she did when you broke up and she needs to figure out what she really wants before you mistakenly commit to something more permanent.

I know people will disagree with this, but you have a right to know what she did since it's your health that could be impacted. You don't need to know the nitty gritty details, but you do need to know that there were other people. Whether she was protected or not, she should still be tested for both your sakes.

-Bob

 

[naamplao]

You didn't say what you were doing in the 3 months that you were apart.....living like a monk?????

You said you did everything that you could to get her out of your mind then....so I am guessing you dated other women during this time. If this is true, were you celibate during this time???

She made a mistake leaving you...or at least she thinks she did (she is probably wondering about that now). You giving her the third degree will probably drive her away (if she has any sense, she would). She was a free agent by mutual agreement...she didn't cheat...she was drunk but still had the presence of mind to stop the act.

You are acting a way over the top here and unless you mature enough to get over this jealousy you have no hope for a relationship with her.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I feel for you on this one. The majority of people replying are women and they seem to come off a litle harsh. Good posters, but a little harsh.

I was here, in a sense. My girlfriend was my first and I knew she had a few small encounters before. For a little while I was torn up between this because I didn't like that thought. That is probably what you are thinking. Someone else did something to the person you are going to be with. No one really likes that feeling.

Just trust me when I say, you will forget it. If you haven't in say 2-3 months, then it's time to move to someone else. It all passes and it's just that normal thing guys think of, younger guys mostly.

I disagree with the "you don't have a right to know". It's all the in the context of knowing. If you corner her and start yelling "TELL ME NOW!" then yes, you don't have that right, but if you two want to be honest and open about everything, you perhaps sometime you maybe should know. To me it's not a "right" because nothing is a "right" with someone else. It's more a honesty thing. I asked my girlfriend, and she saw how much it was hurting me. Just the guy I was then. We had a calm talk, settled with everything and we are strong.

 

[KokopelliRises]

If it were me, I'd focus on the present because that's where you're living now and live my life that way. Of course, she should get STD/STI tested, but then again, so should you for safety's sake. Heck, I had it done earlier this year (for free) even though the one long-term relationship I had before now was monogamous. You can never be too careful when it comes to STD/STIs.

 

[eudaemonia]

I feel for you on this one. The majority of people replying are women and they seem to come off a litle harsh. Good posters, but a little harsh.

From what I can tell/know of the nine replies before yours: five are women, three are men and one I'm not sure about.

What does the gender of the responder have to do with anything?

 

[guy17]

First of all, thanks to everyone for the replies.

Yes we are young and in college. I'm not going to lie, during the off time I was looking for an easy college girl at parties, but thats the most that happened of anything. So I guess you could say I do feel jealous that she was dating and I wasn't. I now realize that what she did was her business, and I have aggreed with her to never bring it up again to help me forget and be more mature about the situation.

However, the one thing that kind of makes me upset is that we had sex before she told me about this. However, she has gone through her cycle twice since it happened, and also has not noticed anything with STD/STI symptoms. She talked to the other guy shortly afterwords asking if he has been tested and he said he had been recently and was clean, but only he knows if it is true. Also, since She and I had sex 2 weeks ago I haven't noticed anything. However this still gives me no peace of mind.

But thank you again all who replied, this is certainly a situation which will help me grow and mature.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

It is your responsibility to get yourself tested and ask after partners and if you aren't sure wait. If you can't wait for a test...then you already made a decision about your risk. Maybe she should have told you first but you should be responsible enough to think of it first and take care of yourself.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

From what I can tell/know of the nine replies before yours: five are women, three are men and one I'm not sure about.

What does the gender of the responder have to do with anything?

Gender deals with a lot. On a forum like this, it should always count for something. But on a subject like this, woman will in a sense side with a female because of their own values. I am not taking anything away from their advice. It's just something I have observed in my time here. That in a situation like this one, they seem to stick together. He isn't naive, or self-centered or demanding to know. He is concerned and a little scared. People here are very open about certain things, but I can probably guess there are a few people whose SO or even them have a "I don't want to know" sort of relationship. But once the seed is planted though, it is hard to turn around. As I said, I went through the same thing. I hated the thought of another man touching my girlfriend. Ok, call me self-centered, where as she would say differently. There are just certain guys who don't like that thought. I am one of them. I don't know why it bothers me sometimes, but it does. Women in this situation have generally not helped. Again, not taking away from anyone, just my own experience. They seem to say forget about it, and so on.

Look at the reactions he has got. Granted I do not know everyone as female or male, but the reaction is not justified. Granted again, some more information about his age and so on would have helped, but who is to say what he does and does not have the right to know. My girlfriend and I only met when I was 21. All her experience was before. Do I have a right to know? That line bothers me because it's not a right, it's being open and honest with someone. We speak so much here on lit about being open and honest with each other, and when someone asks about it, people jump on him. No one has the right to anything. What it needs is room to breathe. They need to talk about it. Don't tell me he should not ask. The first reply said he should get tested for STD's. Is that not a damn good reason to ask someone? I think it is.

Since when did I fall into a double standard here? When a swinger posts and wants to know info, I have read them saying "ask how many they have been with" just to be on the safe side. Good reason, I understand why because it goes with that lifestyle. But why should this be any different. In my eyes, knowing your SO's history is a good thing for a relationship. Plus it will help you on the STD front.

As far as the gender thing this is what is bothering me.

I realize I probably have a few years on you (you sound very, very young), but any man that's nosy like that about my personal business - and make no mistake, it's her business and no one else's - will likely get booted out the door in record speed. Leave it alone. It will only hurt you, and it's not your place to ask about it.

Your relationship is likely doomed if you don't dial it back and start trusting her.

No offence to Cloudy or Erika, but this is what I meant by taking the same side. Cloudy's mind is already made up. No man asks that question ever. I don't see why. Unless I am on the wrong site, but I thought we were always told be honest with our SO?

And I will have to disagree with SweetErika on her comment, because he won't be doomed by this. I asked these same questions in my own relationship and that was over a year ago. It's not doomed at all. It's building a trust. He is 20, scared like any 20 year old would be. I'll give you perhaps maybe he is self-centered, but no young man in this position would not be. Yeah, another great man quality but still, it's something that will happen.

And my final point is this. They -as a couple/people working on their relationship- were talking. I fully agree that you should never just walk up and ask someone who they have had sex with. But they are trying to fix a relationship and need to be open about everything. If it was just him walking up, fine, he is DOA. But they were talking and he still has questions. Sorry to disappoint some people but sometimes people just need to be reassured.



ps Before people kill me on this. Do note I have the utmost respect for the women who post here, who have taught myself a lot and who have helped me. Some of these observations happen outside of lit, thus it may not reflect those here. I'd be happy to discuss this if anyone wants to.

 

[CutieMouse]

Honestly, if it had been a woman posting about being upset that her ex got drunk and nearly had unprotected sex with a woman, and she was saying he felt horrible and would do whatever to make up for it, and how should she wrap her mind around this and move forward, I'd say the same thing-

Y'all weren't together; there isn't anything to feel horrible about/make up for; consider the STD/STI risks of said behaviour, and get tested.

Personally, if it was me, I'd be *far* more pissed off with a partner for not telling me about any sexual health risk possibilities *BEFORE* being intimate again. Putting my health at risk through non-disclosure is a no go for me.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

And as I said, the STD thing is a good reason to know. But people are always putting the situation into their own shoes. The guy is 20, 2 posts here, first experience was with this girl. Instead of putting it in your own shoes, put it in his. As I have said, unless he comes out and tells me other wise, he probably is just a little off about someone doing this to his girlfriend. 3 months is not long time, so together or not to me means little. If it was years, it would be a whole new ball game. But months--we all know it can take much longer then that for feelings to go away.

Some need to realize that not everyone is as comfortable about certain sexual things as others. I'm not trying to make an excuse for him, but rather justify him asking. They have had a talk about their relationship before, why not again? What is so wrong in wanting to know what happened? He clear said he liked the time it was just them. There are lots of people like that out there. So if getting reassurance is what he needs (and by the sounds of it, she will provide it) what is wrong with that? This leads to the advice, just talk to each other. Be honest. Hell, maybe even be honest about your own intentions of going to a party and getting an easy girl and the reasons why you didn't go through with t.

Yeah, I'm playing the honest card still, because I think it is what it all comes down to. The question has been asked, it just needs to be properly defined. None of you can tell me you have never been in that situation in your life, where someone -regardless who- told you something, yet you still felt compelled to ask again to be reassured.

 

[Bobmi357]

However, the one thing that kind of makes me upset is that we had sex before she told me about this. However, she has gone through her cycle twice since it happened, and also has not noticed anything with STD/STI symptoms. She talked to the other guy shortly afterwords asking if he has been tested and he said he had been recently and was clean, but only he knows if it is true. Also, since She and I had sex 2 weeks ago I haven't noticed anything. However this still gives me no peace of mind.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

You may now be a possible carrier for a whole host of diseases that take months to incubate and even longer before they show noticeable symptoms.

Some diseases show no obvious signs, and others, like HIV could take months before you'll even test positive for it. Then it's a long slow downward spiral. Genital Herpes can be transmitted even with a condom, and Herpes is the gift that never goes away.

If you think your dick is going to swell up and explode within two weeks or turn yellow and make strange noises you're sadly mistaken.

If you don't know your partner's history, keep it in your pants. And do yourself a favor and learn about these health issues. They've only been in the headlines since before you were born. The price of ignorance could be your death.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

You may now be a possible carrier for a whole host of diseases that take months to incubate and even longer before they show noticeable symptoms.

Some diseases show no obvious signs, and others, like HIV could take months before you'll even test positive for it. Then it's a long slow downward spiral. Genital Herpes can be transmitted even with a condom, and Herpes is the gift that never goes away.

If you think your dick is going to swell up and explode within two weeks or turn yellow and make strange noises you're sadly mistaken.

If you don't know your partner's history, keep it in your pants. And do yourself a favor and learn about these health issues. They've only been in the headlines since before you were born. The price of ignorance could be your death.

haha, so you're saying at 20 years old you read up on all the STDS and wanted to know all your partners history? Excuse me while I take a moment to try and believe that.

 

[eudaemonia]

Gender deals with a lot. On a forum like this, it should always count for something. But on a subject like this, woman will in a sense side with a female because of their own values.

Let's review ...

My take is that you're young, naive, and self-centered. You see your former girlfriend as a form of property and cannot get it into your head that she has a life of her own and is both capable of and responsible for making her own choices.

But that's just my tuppence and I'm merely an experienced old fart who ought to know better than to try to counsel callow youth who already have all of life's answers secured damply in their shorts.

The preceding was a male's perspective.

But people are always putting the situation into their own shoes.

Of course. What else were you expecting? The OP didn't ask everyone to repeat back to him the things he wanted to hear.

The guy is 20,

How do you know that? He's never said it.

Instead of putting it in your own shoes, put it in his.

You seem to be speaking for him ...

As I have said, unless he comes out and tells me other wise, he probably is just a little off about someone doing this to his girlfriend.

So, while the rest of us shouldn't presume things, it's okay for you to do otherwise?

Some need to realize that not everyone is as comfortable about certain sexual things as others.

Which is why he should do his own asking rather than you trying to filter our responses. Give us break! If guy17 didn't want our perspective, he wouldn't have posted here.

Or maybe you know more about his situation than you really should be saying in public?

 

[yoshimitsu]

And as I said, the STD thing is a good reason to know. But people are always putting the situation into their own shoes. The guy is 20, 2 posts here, first experience was with this girl. Instead of putting it in your own shoes, put it in his. As I have said, unless he comes out and tells me other wise, he probably is just a little off about someone doing this to his girlfriend. 3 months is not long time, so together or not to me means little. If it was years, it would be a whole new ball game. But months--we all know it can take much longer then that for feelings to go away.

Some need to realize that not everyone is as comfortable about certain sexual things as others. I'm not trying to make an excuse for him, but rather justify him asking. They have had a talk about their relationship before, why not again? What is so wrong in wanting to know what happened? He clear said he liked the time it was just them. There are lots of people like that out there. So if getting reassurance is what he needs (and by the sounds of it, she will provide it) what is wrong with that? This leads to the advice, just talk to each other. Be honest. Hell, maybe even be honest about your own intentions of going to a party and getting an easy girl and the reasons why you didn't go through with t.

Yeah, I'm playing the honest card still, because I think it is what it all comes down to. The question has been asked, it just needs to be properly defined. None of you can tell me you have never been in that situation in your life, where someone -regardless who- told you something, yet you still felt compelled to ask again to be reassured.

Excelent posts
You said most everything I am to lazy to type.

People here who are bashing jealousy like it's a logical emotion should know better.
When I first got together with my now ex GF she had a lot more experience than me. she had been with plenty of guys, girls, couples etc. I was nearly a virgin. It made me jealous and uncomfortable at times but it was her life and once we were a couple it was just as much my life.
I don't want my SO holding back that kind of thing from me. In fact that for me would be more upsetting than the truth. And yes at times the truth can hurt or make you feel emotions you know are not logically justified but that doesn't really mean anything.

 

[SweetErika]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

You may now be a possible carrier for a whole host of diseases that take months to incubate and even longer before they show noticeable symptoms.

My thoughts exactly. STD's aren't like pregnancy where it's usually clear something's amiss; just because everything seems fine for a couple of cycles (which have nothing to do with diseases/infections, BTW), doesn't mean you're healthy.

And, Ravin, I'm having trouble following your multiple lines of reasoning, so I'll just address what I said about the relationship being doomed if he keeps 'going insane over this' and doesn't trust her (or she him, for that matter) and your last comment. Healthy relationships require mutual trust, and it doesn't sound like they have that at this point, since he wonders if she's lying about what happened. If he wants the best shot at having a good relationship, he'll need to take her at her word, rather than risking driving a wedge between them by making her feel she's not trusted (which is also the LAST thing he should do if there's a chance she was almost raped).

Secondly, given the fact that he was looking for sex while they were broken up, he should have assumed she might have done the same, and therefore assumed she wasn't clean anymore. It sounds like they're at least aware of STD's, so they should know that condoms and regular testing is the best course of action, even when there's an expectation of monogamy. At any rate, he knows now, so he'd better use condoms, get tested for everything (including HSV) in 6 months, pray he get's lucky, then be smarter about it by assuming no one's clean in the future.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Fair enough Erika, but I am just saying, sometimes it takes that extra asking to be 100% sure of the truth.

Todd: Is that the biggest hot dog you have ever ate?
Rob: Yes, yes it is.
Todd: Really?
Rob: Yes
Todd: Really??
Rob: Yes, this is the biggest.

Stupid little example, but we as humans sometimes need that extra reassurance. I think I asked my girlfriend about 2-3 times, and it wasn't cornering here, but rather we talked about it openly. You can't just side step and avoid something like this. When I read most the replies, the general feel I get is most believe the girl is going to be so offended by this, when really, I think she expects it to happen. She said she would do anything, so one of those things I hope is talking out some more things. If this needs to be one of them, then so be it.


eudaemonia,

The preceding was a male's perspective.

I said in my post I didn't know exactly who was male or female.

Of course. What else were you expecting? The OP didn't ask everyone to repeat back to him the things he wanted to hear.

Considering we don't know really what he wanted to hear hard to say. But there are other ways of giving advice rather then putting yourself in the shoes of another person.

How do you know that? He's never said it.

He said he was young and in college. Got to be 18 to be here. 20 seemed like a decent guess to me. Sue me for it.

You seem to be speaking for him ...

If I was, I would have tried to login with his ID. I have said before I have been in this situation, thus can speak from experience. What, because I am young I cannot speak from my own experiences? I even said I am justifying the reasoning behind talking to her again about said situation. Thus I am not speaking for him, I am giving him advice in justifying it.

So, while the rest of us shouldn't presume things, it's okay for you to do otherwise?

No he said it himself.

It just seems like such a huge turnoff about her since we were eachother's only partners and I liked it a lot better that way

Said himself it turn him off. Which is what I said. It's a general feeling in this situation. So far in this thread three people can vouch for that.

Which is why he should do his own asking rather than you trying to filter our responses. Give us break! If guy17 didn't want our perspective, he wouldn't have posted here.

That again leads to me justifying my advice of talking to her, because the read I get from him is (added with the fact he said he was not experienced) is that he is uncomfortable. He asked for your perspective, I was only just saying, the perspective people were giving were based on a notion that he was very open about everything and wouldn't be uncomfortable living with that. It's clear he is, thus my advice of having another conversation with her. The keyword is justifying my own advice.

Or maybe you know more about his situation than you really should be saying in public?

ok? It's a public forum. I post, I read, I learn from what others say. Am I suppose to just sit back and accept everything you people say as is because you have a few numbers on me? Or can I not challenge you on a few things, or perhaps give you a perspective you may not know about. I have said before people like Erika and others have helped me, so I respect their advice, but things do change and everything isn't always so simple.

 

[guy17]

Yes, I am in fact 20 (good guess on the age).

Yes, it was naive of me to think that she would not be looking for other relationships while we were apart. I only tried to block out the thought of this to ease the pain of the break up.

I think Ravin can give me the best advice since he has been in a very similar situation. It is very hard to think about what she has done with someone else since she means so much to me.

As for the STD situation, we are both going to get tested, and yes I am very informed about the dangers of diseases. Between the two of us, we use a condom everytime. I know it's not 100%, but its better than nothing, and we are trying to be safe. As for assuming she had other partners, I didn't think that she would go that far in such a short time (Ill say again she didn't even want to have sex that night) since she I always thought she was such an innocent person. But there is no changing the past, so I will have to live with it.