How to subtly inquire

[dankei]

From your own experiences, when you suspect that someone is into BDSM to some degree or another how do you go about finding out without being obvious? Most people keep this part of their life secret from even their closest friends as they do most of their sexual and intimate interests. Have you been successful in dropping hints to see if someone is in to this or to let someone know that you are interested without causing any embarrassment to or repulsion in them if then happen to not share your interests? I am of course talking about someone you know but have never talked about these types of subjects.

Anyone have any suggestions or can relate any experiences?

 

[lorddragonwolf]

most of my close friends know we are into bdsm. usually i just ask them if they are into the lifestyle if i suspect they are.

 

[NemoAlia]

Most people come clean about their interests once you've shown yourself willing to share yours. Not, of course, that I'm suggesting you hire a plane to fly a "I'm into kinky sex!" banner around your town, but perhaps if you offered a little peek into your mind, your friends might reveal more of theirs.

 

[bunny bondage]

my bestest friend ever is a girl who knows me inside and out, including my odd kinks. it's not her thing, but loves me enough to accept me for who i am. i guess what i'm saying is that the level of secrecy depends on the level of friendship, as does the level of acceptance.

 

[WriterDom]

From your own experiences, when you suspect that someone is into BDSM to some degree or another how do you go about finding out without being obvious? Anyone have any suggestions or can relate any experiences?

I went to a bdsm meeting once in a hotel and they had the bdsm symbol on the conference room door. I think most people with at least a passive interest would recognize it. You could wear a necklace with it, or put it on your key chain and make sure they see it. If they asked what it was, you could be pretty sure they aren't into it. But they still might be kinky.

 

[sunfalcon]

From your own experiences, when you suspect that someone is into BDSM to some degree or another how do you go about finding out without being obvious? Most people keep this part of

Anyone have any suggestions or can relate any experiences?

Well, I just come out and ask. ;-) I've not encountered this too much. A long time friend out east posted on Usenet many eons ago and I sent him an email once, "hey I see you and I are on the same kink level." He just replied yes and laughed.

The times it has happened to me, I think it's almost as if the other person was relieved to have a current friend (who I will say is a "deep" friend as opposed to a newly made friend) who shared the same interest. Us humans tend to find comfort when sharing something with someone we already know when it comes to feeling "non-mainstream".

Ted

 

[lovetoread]

Why be subtle?

I just come out and ask if I know you well enough. I have been asked a couple of times myself in the last few weeks.

Just the other day I was sharing some very kinky poems to a friend, and she told me that she always thought I was a kinky bitch.

It was a hallmark moment.

 

[sunfalcon]

Why be subtle?


Just the other day I was sharing some very kinky poems to a friend, and she told me that she always thought I was a kinky bitch.

It was a hallmark moment.

Hmmmm, kodak moment too? Would be a good scene in a run-of-the-mill movie.



Ted

 

[lovetoread]

 

[sunfalcon]

Oh, and yes I agree, "Sometimes a man just has to follow his nose."

Scents are very powerful. There are some perfumes on some women, and I'm not exaggerating, that turn me into jello. Find the right combination, and you'd get me to do almost anything.



So, your story is quite appropriate....I enjoyed it

Ted

 

[gomeade]

I suggest mentioning Anne Rice or anything else contemporary that has BDSM elements to it, such as the currently-showing movie "Secretary". Let the discussion unfold from there.

 

[Ebonyfire]

It depends

on what the nature of the relationship is. Do you routinely tell your friends and family about your sex life and personal details? I don't.

It all depends on if it is necessary to them to know. I do not ask my family about their personal lives, so I do not volunteer mine.

As for intimate relationships, I always am up front to any the men in my life. I like to date, and I often have relationships with men who are not into D/s or BDSM. To me sex is sex, and kink is kink. My current male friends know that I am a Domme, and they know that I have male submissives. They also know that I am not necessarily monogamous, not do I require them to be so. All I require are ground rules that we both agree upon to preserve the relationship (if we want to.)

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Oh yeah, I almost forgot

Subtlety.

If I want to ask in a subtle manner, I find that asking about a man's fantasies (which men are ready to discuss almost at the drop of a hat) quickly opens the door to a conversation about kink.

When it comes to women, I think that men sometimes ask quesitons at the wrong time. Do not ask when you are already naked and the woman is feeling vulnerable.

Ask out of the bedroom, and after the woman has a level of comfort talking about intimate details. I find that trading fantasies works well at that stage.

<edited for pesky typos>
Eb

 

[Freya]

My best friend is aware that I'm looking into this, and that I talk to people often about it. She's a very open minded person sexually, so while it's not her thing, she respects that it might be mine. And it's nice to get an outside view on things from someone not involved in the lifestyle - she helps me to clarify a lot of my thoughts and fears.

As far as family, if I were to move forward with this, I doubt I'd let them know. They don't know about any of the rest of my sexual escapades, I see no need to inform them of this.

 

[SexyChele]

I have to agree with EB. If I'm curious about a specific man, I'll either ask him what his most outrageous fantasy is or what is the kinkiest thing he has ever done/wants to do. I don't normally do this on a first date (unless I already know what some of his interests are), but only after we've gotten to know each other and feel comfortable discussing such things.

As far as family? No one knows - nor do I intend for them to find out. Friends? Nope. I might make some comment as a joke and see how it is received. If their face shows revulsion (as is mostly the case), I'll say I was only kidding/it was a joke and move on.

Like EB, I don't feel the need to share with every and any one. Whatever my particular kink might be, it is personal to me and to the one I share it with.

 

[dankei]

Unless there is someone in your with family with whom you would like to get involved sexually I think that it is better to keep your private life private. In general I think it is best to keep your more personal matters private from most of the people that you know. Most people can't separate the activity from the person. If a woman were to mention one night to their family or friends that they ONCE gave a blow job to a complete stranger in the back of a movie theater then for the rest of her life those people would associate that one time with her and they would look at her differently every time she mentions that she was going to a movie. It is best to be very discriminating when deciding who gets to know our most private thoughts and experiences.
I have a long time lady friend whom I have a feeling is a much different woman in private than she appears in public. This has always been a big turn on for me. She is actually one of my teachers from high school and we have kept in touch over the past 20 years or so. I'm constantly back and forth between living here in Ohio and living in Los Angeles so we only see each other a couple times a year. She is coming over for dinner next week and I am looking into ways of making very subtle probing questions and comments. Something with "wiggle room" or "plausible deniability" where both of us would still feel very comfortable afterwards. Something that if said and she gets a horrified expression on her face that I can easily laugh it off and say that I was talking about something else. I guess the best way to describe it is to say that I'm looking for something that only someone into all of this would know and recognize. If they are not into it then it would just go over their head.

I'm just curious as to what others in this situation have done, and I know that there has to be many out there who have been.

 

[slvjenn]

I hardly reply to threads simply because I don't feel qualified. So don't think i'm an expert tho

Not easy to tell from what you've said the level of trust between you. From my reading, i didn't see if you specified if you've already been to bed with her or not.

I wonder that becuase it goes toward the level of trust between you. If there has been no sex, has there been conversations about it?

If there has been, has it gotten at all kinky? Kinky to a non-kinky person?

Again, depending on the trust level there are a few things I might do/try.

I might leave a toy or 2 in plain view. Something that could be explained away as you said. A crop is fairly easy to explain if you have any horse riding experiance.

If you have any kids a blindfold could be explained away for a kids game such as "pin the tail on the donky" but that is limiting if you don't have any kids of the correct age.

A magazine opened to a specific picture wouldn't scare me too much as long as it wasn't too hard core. If i was interested in the content I'm pretty sure I'd at least make a joke of some kind about it.

As others have suggested, sharing fantasies might work, or talking about some porn site you stumbled onto with people doing whatever your kink is etc etc...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Using TV and cable

Another good conversation piece that can give you a lot of information is a discussion of TV shows. I watch a lot of Comedy Central and they have this show witha comedian called Insominiac.

He visits a lot of different cities doing his comedy gigs, and he almost always visit a festish bar, and other kinky venues.

HBO has a lot of shows that can be discussed. It is a good way of finding out information in a nonthreatening way, and without personalizing it.

Has anyone tried it? I have and I have found that sometimes even if a guy has not seen it, it expresses an interest in checking it out.

<edited to add the comedian is Dave Atell>
Eb

 

[zipman]

Re: Using TV and cable

Another good conversation piece that can give you a lot of information is a discussion of TV shows. I watch a lot of Comedy Central and they have this show witha comedian called Insominiac.

He visits a lot of different cities doing his comedy gigs, and he almost always visit a festish bar, and other kinky venues.

HBO has a lot of shows that can be discussed. It is a good way of finding out information in a nonthreatening way, and without personalizing it.

Has anyone tried it? I have and I have found that sometimes even if a guy has not seen it, it expresses an interest in checking it out.

Eb

Seen it? Do you have any idea how many times people come up to me and ask me if I'm the guy from the show?

Especially considering that I hang out in bars and smoke.

 

[MissTaken]

I generally use joking.

Given an opportunity to crack a one liner aobut ropes, cuffs or spankings, I may do that, then, gauge my friend's reaction.

With another friend, I started by telling him I had found some interesting stuff on line. Then we talked a bit. over the course of time, I was able to divulge all and answer his many questions.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Re: Using TV and cable

Another good conversation piece that can give you a lot of information is a discussion of TV shows. I watch a lot of Comedy Central and they have this show witha comedian called Insominiac.

He visits a lot of different cities doing his comedy gigs, and he almost always visit a festish bar, and other kinky venues.

HBO has a lot of shows that can be discussed. It is a good way of finding out information in a nonthreatening way, and without personalizing it.

Has anyone tried it? I have and I have found that sometimes even if a guy has not seen it, it expresses an interest in checking it out.

Eb

Good call, Eb.

And HBO's "Real Sex" makes a great way into talking about kinks, if you're so inclined. Fun show, too.

RS

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Using TV and cable

Good call, Eb.

And HBO's "Real Sex" makes a great way into talking about kinks, if you're so inclined. Fun show, too.

RS

RS you read my mind. Real Sex was the show I could not remember to save my soul! Thanks. That is the perfect example.

If you can engineer an evening of TV watching on a night when Real Sex (or any other show that is relatively kink oriented) is on, you can use that as an excuse to initiate a discussion about kink.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Using TV and cable

Seen it? Do you have any idea how many times people come up to me and ask me if I'm the guy from the show?

Especially considering that I hang out in bars and smoke.

I know what you look like zip and I have to say that although I would not kick Dave Atell out of bed,

You are way better looking.

Enuf said.

Eb

 

[bunny bondage]

ewww...dave atell? from insomniac? yuck!