How to Show I Care and I've Changed?

[njlauren]

I think you did well, I think you showed her you don't hate her and that despite what has happened you still are interested in her as a friend. The guy she is with sounds like a real winner, to be honest, someone who lives at home at 26 and is afraid of them? I also think the friends you have says a lot about you, and his friends don't exactly sound like the type of people many women are going to want to be with any length of time. I suspect at some point his family is going to get wind of him with Kasey and all hell is going to break loose and she will find out what that means.

Inviting her to hang out with your friends is a good thing, too, I think, it will give her more food for thought I think when she realizes what kind of life you have to offer versus the jackass. In a sense it is rubbing her nose in it without her realizing it, going from a fun group of people to a bunch of introverted stoners isn't a good experience IME.

One big thing, just live your life and enjoy it and I think she is going to see what she left behind pretty quickly, based on the little I Know. If she sees you are confident, not vindictive and are having a good life, it is going to be in sharp contrast with the jerk I think.

 

[sweetsoccermom]

hooray for you!

So glad to have read your update, LR, sounds like you found some good peace of mind
Regarding your initial question of showing you've changed, sounds like you nailed it - not so much to show her, but to show yourself. That is awesome!

 

[mwmnpa]

not so much to show her, but to show yourself. That is awesome!

This is more like it. You had to show yourself first. Well done!

 

[Lion_Roar]

So glad to have read your update, LR, sounds like you found some good peace of mind
Regarding your initial question of showing you've changed, sounds like you nailed it - not so much to show her, but to show yourself. That is awesome!

This is more like it. You had to show yourself first. Well done!

Thanks!

I must say, after looking back on the past few months, I am quite proud of myself. I've done a lot for me and I am happy. I was such a mess and now I'm healthier, stronger, more confident, and more driven. Now I just need to find a good job .

I'm going to give Kasey a text in a couple weeks and see what she is up to. I think she is having fun with Dane at the moment, but that doesn't mean she can't come out and have fun with me and our friends. They moved along in their relationship so quickly that I don't think they know what they got themselves into.

I will undoubtedly have more questions down the road, and I would be happy to post any updates. I've had fun posting on here so far and think it has really helped me out. I hate causing drama and problems for my friends (I promise my life isn't the drama and gossipy type), so it has been nice to be able to post it all here.

 

[Lion_Roar]

Good for you, you should be proud of yourself. It really sounds like you've done the hard work to get where you are today. Not everyone would have that in them, and regardless of what happens or doesn't happen with Kasey, it sounds to me like you're already on the right path.

http://smiliesftw.com/x/bowdown.gif

I'm just a man doing what I can.

But in all seriousness you all have helped a bunch. My friends have been saying the same things to me, but sometimes it takes listening to outsiders. I would love to have something with Kasey again, but I can only do so much. I know I've grown, but we will have to see about her. At the very least it will be fun to watch Dane slip up. I'm young, have phenomenal friends, time to live it up and enjoy!

I'll be sure to keep you guys updated, and I'll have other questions as well.

P.S. I look forward to contributing around here and returning the favors to others.

 

[njlauren]

Lion-

Bravo! As far as Dane goes, only time will tell, but while I don't believe totally in Karma, life experience has taught me that the kind of 'friend' who would do what he did is going to eventually screw himself into the group, either he is going to screw himself up, mess with the wrong person or put himself in a position where he needs friends and finds out he doesn't have any, because no one likes a scumbag as a friend, the only people who are friends with someone like that are not friends. I don't know what is going to happen with you and Kasey and if she ends up staying with Mr. Charming, then consider that a life lesson for yourself, because what kind of person is attracted to someone like him? She may be naive, not realizing that he took advantage of your ill fortune to make a play for her, or simply didn't care, but if she still has feeling for you and has half a brain, she may come to the realization she choose a turkey (it doesn't sound like he exactly hangs out with a fun crowd, more like a bunch of geeks hanging out playing video games, not the geeks who create them..but all you can do is vive la vida and as they say, the best revenge is to live well and make those who screwed you envious

 

[Lion_Roar]

Any news on this front Lion_Roar?

My apologies RainShine! I didn't see that you had posted on my thread two weeks ago!

As far as news goes, there is some but I'm afraid it isn't anything good. I'm a little pissed off and tired at the moment so bear with me while I rant. I've had a little bit of contact with Kasey. She is always nice when I text her but I get the feeling she is just acting like that to be polite. Or I could be super paranoid. Who knows? I most certainly don't.

I've invited her to hang out a couple times. But every time she mentions how she is really busy and will keep me updated, but she never does. Just the other day I asked her if she wanted to grab something to eat and watch our former college basketball team play this Thursday (we are a top ranked team finally!!). She said that she thinks that would be fun and that she can go but she will have to check her schedule. I texted her today to see if we are still on for tomorrow and she changed her answer to maybe.

It is just infuriating that she keeps kind of blowing me off. She tells me she is super busy (you'd think she is the president or something) and not to take it all personally. I find it hard not to though. I don't forget about my friends or blow them off if we have made plans.

I'm really getting sick of this all and I hate that I keep hoping that she gives a damn. I wish she could be honest with me. She insists that she wants to be friends but her actions don't say so. If she would tell me to go fuck off, I would. Instead she is pseudo-nice to me where I can't tell if I should get lost or be a buddy. I'm just lost with all of this. Maybe it is just time to give up. Not to sound cocky, but it will be her loss. I would do anything for my friends or someone I'm in a relationship with. She is even further alienating herself from our friends. One day that giant slime ball Dane will screw her over so completely and she will have no one here. I hope at that point I won't care at all so I don't get sucked back in. Uhhg why couldn't she have just stayed 5 hours away instead of moving 20 minutes away.

I haven't heard a single thing about Dane lately. None of our friends keep in contact with him. I hope he is dead in ditch, but I can't be that lucky. I assume he is still dating Kasey, everything is going swimmingly and he is getting to show her around the city and take her to all the fun things that I waited over 3 years to do with her once she moved up here.

I'm not always this pissed off and sad about my current situation. Trying to keep myself busy, meeting new people, working out, looking for a job. There are good days and bad days. Today is absolutely a bad day. I might be blowing everything out of proportion because at times I have over thought it all. But on the same note, when I get this certain gut feeling, I'm usually right.

This post is one giant mess. Sorry. Tomorrow should be better.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Best of luck with the girl. If she's worth it, keep fighting. She may just be torn.

 

[MzzDazy]

I was really hoping for a better update, meaning I was hoping things would have been better for you and her....

If I were you, I'd stop inviting her to do things... that way you're not left feeling like shit when she makes some excuse last minute as to why she can't do something/anything... Let her come to you from now on...

It sounds like she's keeping you just close enough, not too close... but close enough to be the one she can run to if things with Dane don't work out... Don't put yourself in that '2nd best' category, and don't allow her to put you there either. You're better than that!

 

[imemkay]

While the romantic in me agrees with pmann, ultimately I've got to agree with mzzdazy and Rainshine. The longer you keep waiting for her, the worse it's going to hurt when you realize she's in no rush to leave this Dane guy.

You don't want or deserve to be somebody's second choice. Be friendly with her, if she contacts you, but I wouldn't go out of my way for her. But try not to keep your hopes up.

 

[njlauren]

I agree with the chorus that is saying back off. As much as I am a romantic I think what you are pursuing at the moment is a no win game. I don't know what the gal is doing, if she likes you but is conflicted because she wants to be with Dane, but what she is doing to you is wrong, you have opened the window for her and she keeps slamming it, and I think you are putting yourself in the position of being kept at arms length, probably because as others surmised she is kind of keeping you in the wings.

I remember when I was in therapy and I remember talking about a couple that were friends of ours (or so we thought), but it was always the kind of thing where we were pursuing them, calling them, etc, and I had a couple of people like that in my life where it was the same thing, and my therapist basically pointed out it was a one way relationship, and that isn't good. If you are the one always pursuing things and her saying no, it is basically the old trying to play tennis by yourself. You don't have to close the door, you don't have to be mean, but I would stop pursuing her to be honest, and see what happens. If she is really interested in being your friend, she will contact you, make an effort, maybe even make plans, but I wouldn't count on that. One sign of things might be that she has alienated the friends you and she shared, it almost sounds like the joker she is dating is keeping her from any of her old friends and 'claiming' her or something..I don't know for sure, that is speculation, but it would seem it would go along with his character from what you have described, he doesn't exactly sound like God's gift to anyone and is probably an insecure jerk who knows what he is, trying to keep her to himself...and quite honestly, good riddance to both of them, she is going to find out IMO the price to be paid, because at some point he will probably go over the line and she won't have anyone there for her, not you or your circle of friends. My guess is she is easily dominated and pushed around, and the joker is doing just that,probably because he realizes if Kasey is around other people other then his circle of geeky loser friends as you described them, she might realize what she is hanging out with, guy doesn't exactly sound like a winner.

Maybe eventually she will get her head out of her ass and realize what she has done to you and your former circle of friends, but if I were you I would think twice about going back with her if she ever drops sleazeball, I have had experience with girls like that and quite frankly, they often aren't worth it, because it is just as likely if you got back together again, she would drop you for some other person the way she did with you when she went to Dane.

I think your big issue right now is 1)to maintain and build your circle of friends and 2) work on finding a decent job. Both of those will help build your self esteem and either you will find someone you like more, or you will be in a position where you won't let her get away with crap like this and if she starts showing interest in you again that she earns you back, because quite honestly after what has played out the ball would be in her court, not yours, she in effect screwed you over, and if you have any interest in her at all after all this then make her show you that she deserves another shot if it comes to that. In the meantime, there are a lot of young, attractive women out there, and you statistically are likely to find there are girls who are attractive to you and who don't play games.

 

[Lion_Roar]

Thanks again for your input. I'm coming to the realization that you guys are right. She did cancel on me again saying that she was too busy and had so much to do, and that she has been coming down with a cold. Her facebook statuses have been about her being frustrated from being busy. So she could be telling the truth, I don't know. Maybe frustrated with Dane? He is a dolt.

After she cancelled I sent her a text joking that I didn't ask her to hang out every so often that I would probably never see or hear from her again. She said that wasn't true and that we will be able to hang out and be friends eventually, that she needs to get everything in order, and have some balance, blah blah blah. I have friends that are really busy that work 40 hours a week and then go to school 3 nights a week, but at least every few weeks they are able to make time for people. If it was important to her, she would have found time.

So, I'm going to do just that. Leave it in her court and see if I ever see or hear from her again. Worst case scenario I never hear from her and I can say to myself "told ya so".

Back into the dating world, which I ever so hate, but oh well. I have no problem being single most of the time. It allows me to be selfish and do whatever I want. But there are those moments that I really would like to be in a good relationship. Honestly I don't even know if I am ready to be in another one at the moment. Like so many people, I always thought I would be a little further ahead now. It is like that joke, "Want to make god laugh? Tell him your future plans." There are some things that I want to get taken care of before I get serious about someone new. The only problem is that they are big things that can take a couple years. I am extremely impatient, so that will be fun.

This is one of those "good days" where I know that I don't need her or anyone. But I know maybe some day later this week I'll be cursing out the gods in some fusion of sadness and anger about it all. I saw some old room mates I hadn't seen in months the other day and they asked if I had been going to they gym and complemented me. I also saw one of my best friend's ex-girlfriends and she said I looked great. That was a huge confidence boost.

As evil as this sounds, I do hope I can see the train wreck between those two that will inevitably happen.

 

[njlauren]

Bad days and good days are gonna happen, fact of life..It is also a fact that when things are down we think it will never end, while when things are good we think that won't end and it does then we get depressed. Seriously, all you can do is work on your own happiness and hope things work out okay, it sounds to me like you are doing the right thing, moving on and getting yourself together.

The old excuse "I am too busy" is a load of shit, unless she is a medical intern or something, she isn't that busy with 'things to do", it is a cop out most of the time. She may be overwhelmed and feel like life is too much, she might be overwhelmed dealing with shit head and trying to get her head out of her ass, but if someone constantly makes plans then backs out for being 'too busy' it is a crock. I have been working jobs that probably make hers look like a cakewalk, I don't work 9-5 5 days a week, I work the kinds of jobs where a 40 hour work week is like someone working a 40 hour work week would look at a 20 hour one...and I still have time to make plans with people, do things......

I think you will find that she eventually either is going to get her head out of her ass and see the sunshine, or she is going to find herself crashing and burning, and in either case, you should probably keep yourself out of the drama. If she ever makes plans with you and keeps them, fine, but don't make the effort to make plans, and then let her break them, among other things it lets her create the fiction that she isn't jerking you around, she is trying to be your friend, whatever, which is kind of like the person who eats a bowl of ice cream and says they won't gain weight because it is cold and they will burn off calories from keeping warm to balance it out....self delusion

I think you are doing the right thing, if people are telling you you are looking good, it probably is the truth

 

[Hubs_in_hose]

new to the thread, but just want to echo what some of the others are saying. Don't let anyone control your life that so obviously doesn't care. It is past time to turn the page and move on with life. Don't worry about being in a relationship. Just be yourself and eventually you will find who you are supposed to be with. Relationships are difficult if both people are not committed to making it work. If it is right then the work isn't difficult. My wife and I have been together for 19 years. If you are having to work so hard to make things work when you really have nothing causing problems then how do you think it would be when you had real problems, like a sick child with outrageous and incessant demands from your work, the grocery shopping needs to be done but you had to take your car to the shop because it failed inspection and you didn't budget for a new set of tires this month?

Think that her blowing you off as a gift. She doesn't want to make it work so you have every reason to move on. If you want to be friends, whatever. Enjoy your life, make the best you that you can and things will work out in the end.

 

[njlauren]

Nicely put,h in h, great summation Having been with my wife now for 30 years, married for 24, I can honestly say you are correct, that the dramas of data are nothing compared to the real life ones that come to you when you partner/get married, have serious things like kids. The wording I think I liked the best of your post is if both people work on it, it is a lot easier, even with major issues, like trying to figure out how to pay for a chimney about ready to collapse, needing a new transmission when a tuition bill is due and so forth, work better together, if you have to do those alone, eek....hopefully our young friend will get something out of all this and realize in the end he will do okay and she will be the one with the regrets if what people are reading into this are true, because he will get his act together and find someone who can be a true friend/partner/lover while she is likely to find out very few people other then a desperate loser will put up with drama like she generates.