How to make people laugh

[MagicFingers]

Pick-up line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
'Listen here good looking,
I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, dirty or clean.'
'It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with ?'

 

[MagicFingers]

Here's A Riddle To Make You Smile!!

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it...

Ready?


Answer:


10 little piggies

2 calves ,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares.



And of course one (1) . . .

Pussy

 

[smoothdevil]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
'Listen here good looking,
I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, dirty or clean.'
'It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with ?'

LMAO ..... super

 

[done_got_old]

Top Ten Country and Western Songs


10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer



And the Number One Country & Western song is...







1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long

 

[done_got_old]

NEW Wine..............

I kid you not...New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE




I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

 

[smoothdevil]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the two gays, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.

"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass.

 

[smoothdevil]

Ancient Wit

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are misinformed."
Mark Twain


Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But, then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain


I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill



A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-.George Bernard Shaw




Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)


Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, Economist (1801-1850)



Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)



I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers



If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke



In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)



Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)





No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)




Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown



The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan





The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain



There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. Mark Twain



What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)


A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-Thomas Jefferson

 

[Sandy_Fox]

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/Forum/looking.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered
in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his
abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that
evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman
crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or
what??).

While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp
down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the
head until she let go.

True story

 

[bobsgirl]

This made me laugh til I had tears running down my face.

 

[smoothdevil]

Great Jewish Sex

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end !"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes !"

The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours !"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"
.
.
.
.
The Jewish man said, " I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

 

[wally2450]

In 2009 the government will start deporting all of the weird old people. I started crying when I thought of you. Run, my friend, RUN !!!! Well, what can I say? Someone sent it to me & I'm not going alone.

QUOTE FOR TODAY

"Life is a quarry, out of which we are to mold and chisel and complete a character." --Goethe "Optimists make the best of it when they get the worst of it." --Unknown "If passion drives, let reason hold the reins."

 

[blackphownix]

A married couple have sex. The next day, each of them confides to a close friend.

She: "It was wonderful. We had an hour-long foreplay and then made love for another our!"

He: "It was a nightmare. First I couldn't get it up for an hour and then it took me another hour to cum!"

 

[smoothdevil]

ARE YOU DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN, OR A REDNECK?

Here is a little test that will help you decide


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with
a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and
charges at you.


You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you an d your
family.


What do you do?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Democrat's Answer:


Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?


Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the
knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of
message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content
just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family
get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 911?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make
this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to
come to a consensus.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Republican's Answer:


BANG!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....

(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips, or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!

AND THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH

Well, I guess I'm a REDNECK...

 

[done_got_old]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

 

[done_got_old]

I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for Duct tape in my life.
Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies .

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1225756472.gif























http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1225756473.jpg​

 

[Saucyminx]

not dirty but made me giggle

Two blueberry muffins are in a pan in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy, it's getting hot in here."

The other muffin replies, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

 

[smoothdevil]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

...and we are sticking with it !!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals
are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals
have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right.

How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you.... Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

 

[smoothdevil]

Screwed up family


A guy walks into a bar, slams twenty dollars down and tells the barman to get him a vodka. The barman serves the drink and inquires about the problem.

“I just found out my brother is gay,” says the guy.

“Man, that’s tough,” says the barman.

Two weeks later the same guy goes into the bar again, and slams another twenty dollars on the bar. The barman again enquires about the problem.

“I just found out my father is gay too!” says the guy.

“Wow, your family is screwed up,” says the barman.

Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and says: “Hey, doesn’t anyone in your friggin’ family like to sleep with women?”

“Yeh,” answers the guy. “My wife.”

 

[smoothdevil]

Communications


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

 

[Weird Harold]

Two blueberry muffins are in a pan in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy, it's getting hot in here."

The other muffin replies, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

I have a serious weakeness for silly juvenile humor like that.

 

[smoothdevil]

Thoughts

1 - If you are too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2 - Don't worry about what other people think; they don't do it often.

3 - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4 - It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5 - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6 - My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8 - It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9 - Foe every action, there ia an equal and opposite government program.

10 - If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11 - Bills travel trough the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13 - Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14 - Men are from earth, Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15 - No man has ever been shot doing the dishes.

16 - A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17 - Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18 - Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19 - Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21 - Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22 - By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23 - Thou shalt not weight more than the refrigerator.

24 - Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25 - If you must choose two evils, chose the one you've never tried before.

 

[DarkBee]

LOL'd at some of those thoughts. Nice!

 

[smoothdevil]

Just For Men


1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory..

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!