bailadora
We create the dreams.
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2007
- Posts
- 3,855
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
bailadora
We create the dreams.
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2007
- Posts
- 3,855
Why I don't shop for bathing suits anymore...
Ladies, I'm sure many of you can relate....
When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whip lash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an over sized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it .
Finally, I found a suit that fit - a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read 'Material might become transparent in water.'
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt!
Ladies, I'm sure many of you can relate....
When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whip lash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an over sized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it .
Finally, I found a suit that fit - a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read 'Material might become transparent in water.'
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a t-shirt!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Announcement
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage. He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet. Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion. She said, "I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match."
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was madder than heck and wanted to know where he had been all night.... He said, "I have been bird watching!" She said, "Bull sh*t! What kind of bird is out at this time of night for you to watch??" He said, "A double breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Cajuns Vs Yankees
One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a
train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as
the three Cajuns bought just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket asked one
of the Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered one of the boys from the Louisiana.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three
Cajuns crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets.
He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door
opened
just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor
took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed,
so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save
some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the
three Cajuns didn't buy even one ticket.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the
perplexed
Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered the three Cajun boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into
a toilet and the three Cajuns crammed into another toilet just down the
way. Shortly afterthe train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their
toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Cajun knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won
the war.
One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a
train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as
the three Cajuns bought just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket asked one
of the Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered one of the boys from the Louisiana.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three
Cajuns crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets.
He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door
opened
just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor
took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed,
so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save
some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the
three Cajuns didn't buy even one ticket.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the
perplexed
Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered the three Cajun boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into
a toilet and the three Cajuns crammed into another toilet just down the
way. Shortly afterthe train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their
toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Cajun knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won
the war.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Maxime ............ my fav
To all my friends and family members,
Please take note and abide by the following:
I, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
My computer
Cup of coffee
Sex
Margarita
Chocolate
Fried Chicken
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Sex
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Chocolate
Mexican food
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
My computer
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person, and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
To all my friends and family members,
Please take note and abide by the following:
I, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Glass of wine
My computer
Cup of coffee
Sex
Margarita
Chocolate
Fried Chicken
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Sex
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Chocolate
Mexican food
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
My computer
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person, and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your wanker at least a foot long?" John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?" Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
"You seem to have a cracked vertebrae," the Emergency Room doctor told the high-school-aged boy. "What happened?" "Well, you see," the teenager replied, "I was kissing my girl goodnight and damned if her brother didn't come out the door andstep right in the middle of my back."
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Posts
- 2,373
Wow
... AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
That's quite an accomplishment! Glad you enjoyed the jokes. But wait, there's more, as they say.
... AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Posts
- 2,373
Judge Judy?
Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'
Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?" "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that?"
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
THE BEAR HUNTER
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to
see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad
mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or
we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore
for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear
and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have
"rough sex."
bear clipart
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He
turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to
see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad
mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or
we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore
for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear
and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have
"rough sex."
bear clipart
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He
turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
100 cool things about being a man
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all of your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all of your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
this one through.
Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on
opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the
85th floor.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old
toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
Take a minute or two to try to answer the question, then scroll down for the answer.
"DON'T LOOK DOWN!!"
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
this one through.
Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on
opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the
85th floor.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old
toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
Take a minute or two to try to answer the question, then scroll down for the answer.
"DON'T LOOK DOWN!!"
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
I guess I am addicted to jokes and love to read them, even if I have read some before... and there were quite a few that were different or with a new spin on it...
I loved the (un)HAPPY Dwarf one...
I bet Snow White must be rolling in the grave laffin' her pretty butt off...
Keep 'em coming - you folks are giving us a good dose of the best medicine...
Tiger!
First Time With Tiger
>
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about
ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says
to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm
not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this
day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one
guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see
why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the
telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks the wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call
room service and get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second
time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to
make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'Now what are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going
to get room service to get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes
love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the
par is for this damn hole.'
First Time With Tiger
>
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about
ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says
to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm
not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this
day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one
guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see
why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the
telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks the wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call
room service and get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second
time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to
make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'Now what are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going
to get room service to get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes
love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the
par is for this damn hole.'
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'
LMAO ..... great
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest replied, "What did you say?" The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?" The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do white babies come from?" His mother answered "The stork." Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from? "His mother replied, "Ravens." Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?" And his mother said, "Swallows."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin...I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" Noanswer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
RACISM
Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A man asks: 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A man asks: 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
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