How to make people laugh

[glynndah]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? '

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

 

[wally2450]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

 

[wally2450]

The Dash

-

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

-

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

-

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth...
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

-

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars....the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

-

So think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
(You could be at "dash midrange.")

-

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

-

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

-

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

-

So, when your eulogy's being read
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they
say about how you spend your dash?

 

[wally2450]

A trip to Home Depot... I can relate...


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. You
are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old
T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis
shoeswith a toe sticking through one of them.

Right in the middle of this project you realize you need to run to
Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry
your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check
yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite
cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot
chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the
pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt,
change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went
to school with.

In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long
enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different
shoes and a hat, wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost
empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The
sexy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you
feel weird thinking she is sexy.

In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off
your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get
dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear
not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie
running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you
think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from
your buddy's bait shop and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you
were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out
the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but
you don't have your glasses on so you are not quite sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until
they have your prescriptions ready at Walgreens. Don't' even notice the
dog crap on your shoes. The sweet young thing at the register smiles at you
because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember that you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Home
Depot and wander around for hours trying to think what it is you are looking
for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You
give up and go back home with a gallon of antifreeze - in July.

 

[wally2450]

Ode to Elliot Spitzer

Love Client #9
(Sung to the tune of Love Potion #9)


I took my troubles down to Washington
You know that town where you can pay for fun
The Emperors Club made a mighty fine dime
Sellin' little Kristen to
Love Client Number Nine


I told her that I was a flop with chicks
I'd been this way since my election was fixed
She looked at my cash, the receipt she did sign
She said, "Let me call you
Love Client Number Nine"


She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink
She said, "We're gonna do it right here on the sink"
But let us first get loose with a very stiff drink
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I didn't think


I didn't know if it was day or night
The Feds were tapping every phone in sight
But when I kissed a call girl who made me pay for time
The FBI labeled me
Love Client Number Nine

 

[sexymelissalove]

Love Client #9
(Sung to the tune of Love Potion #9)


I took my troubles down to Washington
You know that town where you can pay for fun
The Emperors Club made a mighty fine dime
Sellin' little Kristen to
Love Client Number Nine


I told her that I was a flop with chicks
I'd been this way since my election was fixed
She looked at my cash, the receipt she did sign
She said, "Let me call you
Love Client Number Nine"



She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink
She said, "We're gonna do it right here on the sink"
But let us first get loose with a very stiff drink
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I didn't think


I didn't know if it was day or night
The Feds were tapping every phone in sight
But when I kissed a call girl who made me pay for time
The FBI labeled me
Love Client Number Nine

Hahahah.

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/87l3yg2.gif

 

[wally2450]

The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted.

"Your gout is getting worse," said the doctor. "I recommend that you
give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while."

"WHAT!" said the man, "just so's I can walk a little better? If it
wasn't for smoking, drinking and sex I wouldn't get out of my rocker
in the first place!"

 

[wally2450]

Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.

Bill: Why do you say that?

Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers
fishing to sex. "It's not as boring," she said.



Mark and Sharon were walking around their yard looking at things that
were or were not coming up in the gardens. They stopped to look at a
few sorry looking stalks coming up out of a patch of ground. Sharon
said to Mark looking over at the stalks, " Peonies."

He replied, "I don't think it will help."

 

[smoothdevil]

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release:

If GM had developed technology the way Microsoft has, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but woul d run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation and
must shut down' warning.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

 

[wally2450]

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace
is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment
to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his
frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him
down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the
seats around him.

From the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform
of an Air Force General walks slowly forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the
courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning
toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, and sits quietly as his
mother fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they
smile and nod at the General with gestures of thanks as
he slowly makes his way back to his seat.

One of the cabin attendants approaches the General.
"Excuse me, Sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you
what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and confides, "I showed him
my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and
explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger
out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

 

[wally2450]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed.=20 "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust."

 

[smoothdevil]

AHHHHHHHHH ... the Irish


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course'.

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?



'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

 

[wally2450]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in the
pints,
and were stuck in the thick heads.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer and
started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!"

 

[wally2450]

A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method.
He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up
to reply, Bang! One less insurgent! After every mission the company
commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed,
he reported "Five killed and I let one go."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you
mean, you let one go?"

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big
insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't
shoot a fellow Republican!"

 

[wally2450]

Visiting the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, D.C., my sister and I were admiring a beautiful tribal headdress decorated with eagle feathers. A man came up to us and identified himself as a Native American. "Do you know how warriors got those?" the man asked, pointing to the feathers. "They covered a hole with brush, tied a live rabbit on top of it and hid underneath. When an eagle swooped down for the kill, they would grab its wing or tail." "Fascinating," I said. "You learned that from your tribal elders?" "Actually, no," the man confessed. "I saw it on the Discovery Channel."

 

[glynndah]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.'

 

[wally2450]

Sunday Dinner for Italians...

Italians have a $40,000. kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook. There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard. The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open). A portrait of the Pope,Frank Sinatra, and Marlon Brando in the dining room. God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar. Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we don't care about cholesterol. Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna and soup. If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE. If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there is no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand. No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the sauce pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed down you'll make up for it next week at confession. Sunday dinner was at 2:00. The meal went like this... Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean, What more do you want? All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table. First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all pasta Macaroni)...change plates. After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Over-cooked Vegetables...change plates. THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)...change plates. Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones). Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonno, 'Merican' coffee for the rest) with hard Cookies to dip in the coffee. The kids go play...the men go to lay down. They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anesthesia..the women clean the kitchen. Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian. Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room. The true Italians will love this, those of you who are married to Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with Italians will remember and will forward it to their Italian friends!

 

[wally2450]

Old but Good

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I
am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago,
I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to
another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I
grabbed my
bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came
out so
well that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA
tests
on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that
I was
no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[wally2450]

It is difficult to know with any certainty what anyone does in their private life, particularly if one doesn't live with them.
But still, I feel absolutely confident in saying that, out of all the men in the world, Elliot Spitzer did not get any nookie last night!

 

[wally2450]

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being
sworn in as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens
at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife, replied. "Tonight, you
cook the damn dinner and I get on top!"

 

[wally2450]

March 19, 2007 was Einstein's birthday. He would
have been 128.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner
married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first
marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because
she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women
with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger
if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory
of Relative Titty.

Oh, be quiet... I didn't write this, I just received it
and sent it on to you!

 

[smoothdevil]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.'

SUPER ..... LMAO

 

[wally2450]

GUYS SUCK......and let me tell you why.

FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your leg?

JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch? We don't want to see you scratch either.

PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys getting what you can't. By the way, it's not good for our skin.

PICK UP LINES - Not!

DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell can't we?

HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.

SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!

DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner store. Buy it.

LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.

HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your pants and get the other out of your ass.

You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.

Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.

Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT number one at it.

Why must you tell ALL of your friends about everything you do with a girl? They all had the same DREAM last night anyway.

Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You should be glad we're not pregnant.

Try matching your maturity level to your age.

We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK YOU!!!"


There is more to life than playing cards and video games - How old are you??

Why do we have to look good and you can look like shit?

Can we eat like humans - utensils were made especially for this purpose. Ever heard of knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins? (This does not include shirt sleeves.)

WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get drunk, get laid, and play sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested, become a professional athlete and at least GET PAID for it.

I am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass through life.

BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your cock to the exact millimeter, then you can remember our birthday.

Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia. They were not made that small. Why measure it anyway? There will always be someone bigger and believe me, we can find him.

Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over and going to sleep.

The one thing you are good for, you are not good at!

Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm scene'? Sound familiar?

When we say we're lost without you, we're probably high.

When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be nice.

WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to make it so obvious.

GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!" we're not referring to your breathing pattern.

To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these statements and never get the time of day, here's a note of hope.....WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.

 

[wally2450]

Jill: Do you think you'll ever "tie the knot" again?

Mary: I'm not tying any more knots! In fact, everything I own has
Velcro.



Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy
was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."

"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.

"Oh... she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me!"

I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"