How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the
underwear,...OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

 

[smoothdevil]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

 

[wally2450]

The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic
surgeon's office.

"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic
cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for
the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those
uncomfortable positions," the doctor replied.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow
your Lamborghini!

 

[smoothdevil]

The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic
surgeon's office.

"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic
cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for
the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those
uncomfortable positions," the doctor replied.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow
your Lamborghini!

SUPER ...... LMAO

 

[wally2450]

Why married

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot
in common." said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on
earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites
attract'" was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I
was."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-





Nuns

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the
convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all
the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got
to head back to the convent.

To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under
some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire
on their bellies.

As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to
the second and says, "I feel like a Marine."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you
find one this time of night?"



Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

2. I'm not being rude You're just insignificant.

3. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

4. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you.

5. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

6. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

7. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

 

[wally2450]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

 

[wally2450]

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back
to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

"Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"

"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

 

[wally2450]

"If you take a dog which is starving and feed him and make him prosperous, that dog will not bite you. This is the primary difference between a dog and a man."--Mark Twain

 

[smoothdevil]

If you don't understand the government's version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due. The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional's stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the National Committee's interpretation of fairness. Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have l ess money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do".

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact any Representative in D. C.

 

[wally2450]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop
snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed,
the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable
to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a
piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.


Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and
begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work
on him. So, she goes to the closet again and grabs a piece of blue
ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it
also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.


In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and
stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he
glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his
privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the
bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.


He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
where we were ,, or what we did ,, but, by God..we took first and
second place.

 

[done_got_old]

Who is she?


http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/guess%20who%201.jpg



I'll give you a hint --



She's POLISH!

























Give up?

















Okay, take a look...





http://www.literacyrules.com/LITerotica/guess%20who%202.gif








What did you expect? You've got a dirty mind!​

 

[wally2450]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary
my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he
did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He
said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

[sutherngent985]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question." What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[wally2450]

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"
Deep breath... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

...and so it does...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

 

[Yang4yin]

When Grandma Goes to Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[wally2450]

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.


Some mistakes are too much fun to only
make once.


Don't cry because it's over; smile because
it happened.

 

[wally2450]

Ain't Love Grand?

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't
have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

 

[Saucyminx]

snip . . .

Nuns

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the
convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all
the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got
to head back to the convent.

To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under
some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire
on their bellies.

As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to
the second and says, "I feel like a Marine."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you
find one this time of night?"

Too damn funny.

 

[Quoll]

snip . . .

Too damn funny.

OMG​

O MG​

OMG​

OMGOMGOMG​

OMG​

OMG
OMG​

O​

M​

G

• O

• M

• G

O.M.G.​

A Saucy sighting.

 

[MercyMia]

A fellow was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm
going to a lecture," the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at
this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.

 

[smoothdevil]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational.' The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the unabomber) in the same limerick. The following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxx's.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress,
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown,
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better,
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

 

[smoothdevil]

HERE ARE SOME FASCINATING THINGS WRITTEN ON OLD HEADSTONES!!



Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

Car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no

Place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The

Good Die Young.

=============================

In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And

The Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace

Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me

For not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went

Out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,

Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================

In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing

On the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent .

Until I know which way you went.

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since
he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All
he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his buddies
while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to
college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a
lesbian. What should I do?

Signed:

Clue-less


Dear Clue-less,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman, You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one!

 

[wally2450]

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One
said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going
to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick
Irish accent asked "What are you selling' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ...
Only two left!"

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish!

 

[wally2450]

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I've tried online dating. I haven't
met anyone in person yet because the guys always stop writing before
we can set up a date. I don't know what it is. Perhaps that handsome
athletic thirty-two-year-old doctor was lying about his age, got
grounded, and lost his Internet privileges. Or maybe it was something
I said, "I'd love to meet for coffee. Thursday's are best for me.
That's when my neighbor picks up my four kids from my three previous
marriages."


I once had a girlfriend that was so skinny, every time her nipples
got hard she would tip over.