How to make people laugh

[MercyMia]

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new ! book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only Expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in The bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

 

[MercyMia]

DON'T ASK GRANDMA



Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with some of the neighborhood children for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people sleep on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.


"It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Then she explained all about the birds and the bees to him in some detail.


Little Jordan just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"

 

[MercyMia]

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the
voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The
voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied,

NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
>
>

 

[smoothdevil]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

LMAO....................

 

[smoothdevil]

Were Would You Be If:





You Have All The Money Your Heart Desires


You Have No Worries


You Come Home And The Finest Meal Is Awaiting You...


Your Bathwater Has Been Run...


You Have The Perfect Kids...


Your Partner Is Awaiting You With Open Arms, Kisses & Promises For Later...



So Where Would You Be...





The Wrong F******g House......

 

[smoothdevil]

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

So he has his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note,
the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady

 

[MercyMia]

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady

LOL, smoothdevil! Sounds like blackmail in the making!

============================

I hope this hasn't been posted on this thread before:

A very beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a
handsome gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of
huge r ed tomatoes.

She asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so
much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing
to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two
weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,
did your tomatoes turn red?" &n bsp;

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 

[smoothdevil]

>Words with two Meanings
>
>1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
>Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
>Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
>2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
>Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
>Male.... Playing football without a cup.
>
>3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
>Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
>Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
>
>4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
>Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
>Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
>
>5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
>Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
>Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
>
>6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
>Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
>Male...... A source of entertainment, self-____expression, male bonding.
>
>7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
>Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
>Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
>

 

[smoothdevil]

My dear friends,

As the holidays have past, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you
who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12
months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal
an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of
your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who
refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected
with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from
Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital (for
the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a
wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this
afternoon. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician.

Sincerely,

Your E-Mail Buddy

 

[MagicFingers]

SmoothDevel, ain't it the truth!

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which
way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.

 

[luv2Byours]

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.


Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy

Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

 

[MercyMia]

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church
outside Washington as part of his campaign. Bush's campaign manager
made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a
lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on
stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the
church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is
a saint." The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally
says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do
it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the
sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is petty, a
self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a
low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and
had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing
before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country
for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is
the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But
compared to Dick Cheney, George Bush is a saint."

 

[Quoll]

Probably been done before.

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

 

[smoothdevil]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.

he Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this. ...

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three
of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Love to Ghosts!


A professor at a southern university was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"


About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

This time, 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further: Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, only Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell
us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Ghost? Oh: from way back thar I thought you said goats

 

[smoothdevil]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but

have just one problem. It's these 3 breasts you've given me. The middle
one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them
with my arms."

She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two
reasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of
those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He
reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in
the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your
part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram
and the cow has her bull.

All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.

How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you.

Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the
rib?

 

[blue112]

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!'"

Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover... $100
Broken furniture... $2,000
Breakfast... $10
Saying the right thing to your wife when you're drunk... PRICELESS

 

[TBKahuna123]

Sex is like pizza. When its great, its great. When its bad, it gets all over your shirt.

 

[MercyMia]

This is sort of like TBKahuna's joke above:


An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.


The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

I am writing to say what an excellent product Tide is! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow, in addition to the wine, I also ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using the bargain detergent my husband bought, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket and a purchase of a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I am no longer being considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

 

[MercyMia]

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

LOL! Good one!

 

[smoothdevil]

Hope y'all get a kick out of this like I did!!!
North vs. South
>
> The North has coffee houses,
> The South has Waffle Houses
>
> The North has dating services,
> The South has family reunions.
>
> The North has switchblade knives,
> The South has Lee Press-on Nails
>
> The North has double last names,
> The South has double first names.
>
> The North has Indy car races,
> The South has stock car races.
>
> The North has Cream of Wheat,
> The South has grits.
>
> The North has green salads,
> The South has collard greens.
>
> The North has lobsters,
> The South has crawfish.
>
> The North has the rust belt,
> The South has the Bible Belt.
>
> FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
>
> In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
>
> Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
>
> Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
>
> Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
>
> Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
>
> Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
>
> The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
>
> Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
>
> If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
>
> If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
>
> Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim
>
> In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
>
> AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in
the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

 

[smoothdevil]

Letters Dear Abby admitted she was at a loss to answer:

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby: What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby: I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure
the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.

Dear Abby: I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get
out?

Dear Abby: My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex
and he
is a doctor. Now what do I do?

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Viagra ingredients



I knew it...I knew it! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in
Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

 

[smoothdevil]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.