How to make people laugh

[Quoll]

With the topic of living wills so much in the news, a man and his wife
were
sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

 

[m.j.h]

With the topic of living wills so much in the news, a man and his wife
were
sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Thats not funny at all, just plain cruel if you ask me.

 

[Saucyminx]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic
light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the
hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula
about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia:

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you

 

[Saucyminx]

quickies but funnies

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

[Quoll]

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia:

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you

I always thought it was this one.

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife says, "Look! That man man is having sex with a kangaroo.

Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."

They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one leg masturbating at the end of the bar. The husband charges in and says to the manager, "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover fucking a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one leg, masturbating at the bar. Well, what do you have to say about that?"

The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

 

[luv2Byours]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________



GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[smoothdevil]

I always thought it was this one.

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife says, "Look! That man man is having sex with a kangaroo.


The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

LMAO .... great

 

[smoothdevil]

>An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
>before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

>She replied, "a can of peaches."
>
>The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she
>was hungry.
>
>The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
>She replied, "6".

>The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
>
>Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
>husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

>He said, "What is it?"
>
>The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
>

Attachments

 

[smoothdevil]

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

[luv2Byours]

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

 

[smoothdevil]

James Bond



A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually

looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an
hour fast.

 

[Leeleigh]

http://www.goforjoy.com/movie13.htm

 

[smoothdevil]

>>Indian Mating Season
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of
>>a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
>>cave.
>>
>>"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened
>>closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He
>>then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
>>
>>The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
>>all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
>>
>>The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
>>Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
>>opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
>>squaw in there waiting for us."
>>
>>Just then they came
>>upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped,
>>and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
>>
>>Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from
>>deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
>>opening.
>>
>>The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
>>then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the
>>size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the
>>size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There
>>must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
>>
>>He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
>>"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
>>
>>Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,
>>WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
>>
>>With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
>>cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following
>>day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>(Get ready, this will kill ya),
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[MagicFingers]

Best (actual) new headlines of 2004/05

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

******

 

[MagicFingers]

Very cute, Leeleigh

I'll watch for blind girls.

luv2beyours, Cute joke. Thanks. And that's a very hot AV! Welcome.

Two quickies:
Why did the principal fire the cross-eyed teacher?

Because he couldn't control his pupils.

And...


Did you hear about the farmer whose wife had left him?

He found out in a John Deere letter.

 

[interracial_sex]

Coulda just shown 'em nekkid pictures of me. That usually induces belly laughs.

 

[smoothdevil]

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush." "You have AIDS."

Gay Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?".

Doc says, "Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Gay Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

 

[smoothdevil]

>
> The Texas Duck Hunt
>
>
>A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped
>a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
>
>As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
>tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
>
>
> The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
> and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
>
> The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming
>over>here.”
>
> The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in
>the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take
>everything you own.
>
> The old farmer smiled and said,” Apparently, you don’t know how we
>settle>disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick>Rule.”
>
>
>
> The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”
>
> The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
>first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and
so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
>
> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
>that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
>the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
>into>the>lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer loose his early morning breakfast. The lawyer was on all fours when the>farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
>
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
>feet.Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, Now it’s my turn.”
>
> [I love this part....]
>
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the
> duck.”
>

 

[MercyMia]

The Beautiful Sound

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a grand old monastery.

He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door.

A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him
to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.

The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a
strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about
the sound that had woke him.

"We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks
for their kindness and went on his way.

During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the
alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area.

He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance.

He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay,
hewondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their
peaceful roof.

The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound.

The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound.

The monks gave him the same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.


He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the
only way he could learn about the sound.

He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous
task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member
of the order.

When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order
and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door.


He opened the door with a golden key.


That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of
gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more
magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the
wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many
years before......













But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

 

[MagicFingers]

Mercy, Mia

Here's a story about how I was assaulted at the mall...

I am a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened at
Kentucky Oaks Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the
mall while your are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat.
One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other
comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost
coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to
the Southside WalMart. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then
one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you,
while the other one steals
your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I
couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

 

[Slowlane]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

 

[MercyMia]

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I
couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

LOL, MagicFingers! That's a lot of wallets to lose.

 

[webbo1]

He : Let's play Turkey shoot
She : How do you do you play that??
He: You gobble and I'll blow the back of your head off )

He: do you want to play Carnival??
She: How do you do that??
He: you sit on my face and I'll guess your weight.

There was a young Nympho from France
Who took a long train ride by chance
The Engineer fucked her before the Conductor
And the poor driver cum in his pants.

Confucious say "No such thing as rape in China - women run faster with skirt up than man with pants down"

 

[smoothdevil]

Mamma's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became
successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together.They discussed the gifts they were able to
give their elderly mother who
lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in
the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an
SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the
Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she
can't see very well. I met
this preacher who told me about a parrot that can
recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach
him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for
twenty years to the church, but it
was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and
verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have
my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
The thought was good.Thanks"

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby
sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends
are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind.
I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The
chicken was delicious.

Thank you."