How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But being
old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective
religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so
one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it
here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the

care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best
thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of
the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we
sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs.
Cohen.

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she
also
had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy says, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the
edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down
below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said....

"Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

 

[smoothdevil]

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tellyou what I'm going to do.

I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let
YOUdecide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .Scroll down













(This is priceless)









"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[Lady_Prowless]

http://shermix.com/videos.php?id=pot


this is so stupid

 

[MercyMia]

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said....

"Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

LOLOL!!!!! Totally unexpected!

 

[bobsgirl]

... (This is priceless)


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

You got me.

 

[smoothdevil]

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my ZZZbody,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !)
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
``````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

````````````````````````


Don't you wish you were this smart??????????????????

(Just tonight, in the grocery store, I saw a teenage girl carrying three cartons of orange juice. I asked her if they were still on sale for $2 each. She said, "No, they're 3 for $6!" What are they teaching in school today???)

....Feeling smarter yet?

 

[smoothdevil]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when
they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a
little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short
shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter -- let's look for yours."
> >
> >

 

[Leeleigh]

http://gprime.net/video.php/howtodancelikeawhiteguy

 

[smoothdevil]

>A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
>wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them
>and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could
>have one wish.

>The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
>
>
>Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
>
>
>
>The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

>Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

 

[MagicFingers]

~The Husband Store~

A store that sells husbands has just opened
in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose
a husband from among many men.

The store is comprised of six floors,
and the men increase in positive attributes as
the Shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.


As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor,
you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These Men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself,
"Well, that's better than my last boyfriend,
but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great,
but I wonder what's further up?"

And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says "But I Wonder what's upstairs?"


The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT,
there must be more further up!" and again
she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 39,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

 

[smoothdevil]

A store that sells husbands has just opened
in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose
a husband from among many men.


So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 39,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

super ... LMAO

 

[MagicFingers]

Canada's Tallest Building

CANADA'S TALLEST BUILDING

This is a picture taken of the CNN tower in
Toronto, Canada.

The building reaches a staggering height of 1800
feet tall...

It's a very impressive sight to behold.(See attached file

 

[MagicFingers]

A pill to cure your ills

Merry Christmas and fleas on your dad; and a happy and prosperous new year to all!

 

[smoothdevil]

> ~ ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE~
>
> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
> me, > for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
> leave me the hell alone.
>
> 2. Its always darkest before dawn So if you're going to steal your
> neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>
> 3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting
> any.
>
> 4. No one is listening until you fart.
>
> 5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
> car payments.
>
> 6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
> shoes. > That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away,
> and you have their shoes.
>
> 7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>
> 8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
> fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
> 9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
> worth it
>
> 10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
>
> 11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
> from bad judgment.
>
> 12 There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one
works.
>
> 13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
> it.
>
> 14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
> laxative
> on the same night.

 

[smoothdevil]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a
half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you
through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even
think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so
I don't pee on my new golf shoes...."

 

[smoothdevil]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he
is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for
his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on the Sabbath"

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and
experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives
the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of
thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders
the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would
have the maid do it."

 

[smoothdevil]

Blobde joke .... Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

 

[blue112]

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother thinks, Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise! Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

[MercyMia]

Happy New Year, everyone!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.


Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ... and sure enough the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to Philly!"

 

[MercyMia]

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The
next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill
you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the
next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this
morning I stopped reading.

 

[BelleDragoness]

This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard "Poupon."

 

[MercyMia]

"Now you know why they call that fancy mustard "Poupon."

Oooooh!!!!! Too funny, on the gross side!

 

[gravyboat]

I hope no one's posted this one...

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

 

[smoothdevil]

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The
next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill
you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the
next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this
morning I stopped reading.

LMAO ... super

 

[smoothdevil]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ...... "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"