How to make people laugh

[Saucyminx]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

 

[Little Bird]

> HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

[...]

> If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

I don't really think a man can be less a macho then me (yes, I now writing this sentence makes no sense ) but I have to admit it's mostly true...

(Oh, this shame... )

 

[smoothdevil]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, The blonde says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!' Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, The Blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light . When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to The Blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, 'Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!!!!!'

 

[M's girl]

SmoothDevil,

Where do you come up with all this stuff? Most of it is just hilarious and I've been sending things to friends on a regular basis! I was just about to translate your Heather and Joe joke for this thread, which goes about the same in Dutch with Linda and Theo ;-), but you were ahead of me; it's already here...

Thanks for making me laugh...

 

[smoothdevil]

SmoothDevil,

Where do you come up with all this stuff? Most of it is just hilarious and I've been sending things to friends on a regular basis! I was just about to translate your Heather and Joe joke for this thread, which goes about the same in Dutch with Linda and Theo ;-), but you were ahead of me; it's already here...

Thanks for making me laugh...

you are most welcome ... lol ...

I have a few nutty lady friends and we enjoy sharing humour ...

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Why?



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?



Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: perfect husband----
The perfect husband----


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A
cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this
beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house
I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone
belongs to?...."

 

[Saucyminx]

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down.

The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son
has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

You're wasting your time," says the boy.

Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up!"

 

[Saucyminx]

A jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

"This is Capt Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and screw her all night."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a shit first!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage

bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and

every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling

out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go

back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"

" Did you steal it?"


"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the

parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans

come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"


"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each

time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20! or

off it comes!"


"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's

in the other bag?"


"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

 

[bobsgirl]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage

bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and

every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling

out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go

back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"

" Did you steal it?"


"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the

parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans

come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"


"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each

time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20! or

off it comes!"


"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's

in the other bag?"


"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Smoothdevil, I am both amused and grossed out. Good job.

 

[smoothdevil]

>> Start today with a chuckle......these are actual newpaper ads:
>>
>> > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites!
>> >
>> > FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>> >
>> > FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
>> >
>> > FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .. been out a while..there
> better be a reward.
>> >
>> > NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
>> >
>> > GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
>> >
>> > NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once
>> >
>> > JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
>> >
>> > WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
> (advertised in Waco's Thrifty Nickel)
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > AND THE BEST ONE
>> >


>> > FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married last month. Wife knows everything.
>> >
>> >

 

[smoothdevil]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate
their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able
to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued
and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane manages to land safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"How about our annual contribution to the Jewish Defense League, Esther?"

"I'm sorry," Esther says, "I forgot to send that check, too."

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send those checks either."

Abe grabs Esther and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us."
*********

 

[smoothdevil]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME:
>>
>>According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
>>female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
>>their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
>>mid-December.
>>
>>Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the
>>spring.
>>
>>Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
>>reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
>>girl.
>>
>>We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
>>red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!
>>

 

[Saucyminx]

Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, 'At least they are finally together.'

A man standing next to the priest asks,
'Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?'

The priest says, 'I mean her legs.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, 'At least they are finally together.'

A man standing next to the priest asks,
'Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?'

The priest says, 'I mean her legs.'

lol lol lol

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Classic Quotes


Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand." ... Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday night."...Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL." ... Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
.... Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight
are unimportant." ... George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." ... Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
.....Tiger Woods

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
.... Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." ... Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
.... Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful." .... Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?" ... Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
.... Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time." ... Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom." ... Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural
experiences money can buy." ... Steve Martin

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
... Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married." ... George Burns

 

[Lady_Prowless]

how to make people laugh???

Draw a face on your belly and sing "Locomotion"

 

[MercyMia]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

[MercyMia]

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

 

[Leeleigh]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed

"Breast-fed,"she replied.


"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 

[Leeleigh]

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=6Xvib4KQqLk&search=funnies

 

[smoothdevil]

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my ZZZbody,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !)
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
``````````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

````````````````````````


Don't you wish you were this smart??????????????????

(Just tonight, in the grocery store, I saw a teenage girl carrying three cartons of orange juice. I asked her if they were still on sale for $2 each. She said, "No, they're 3 for $6!" What are they teaching in school today???)

....Feeling smarter yet?

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Murphy's Law Of...



Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.