How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

A Short, Short Fairy Tale:









Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"


The girl said, "NO!"



And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.






THE END

 

[smoothdevil]

for the golfer's

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Smith? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"That's a shame! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody Senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire".

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at the house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."!

"WHAT FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's. She showed up last night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're fired!"

 

[smoothdevil]

>> A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
>> looks over at him and asks the question....

>> WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

>> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

>> WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

>> HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

>> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

>> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

>> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

>> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

>> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

>> HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

>> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

>> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

>> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

>> HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

>> WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

>> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

>> WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

>> HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

>> WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

>> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

>> WIFE: -- silence --

>>

>> HUSBAND: "shit."

 

[MagicFingers]

Lmao

A Short, Short Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Ah, I can only dream of what might have been, after spending 2 days in court out of the last 5...

 

[MercyMia]

Ah, I can only dream of what might have been, after spending 2 days in court out of the last 5...

Hi MagicFingers, long time no see. Sorry to hear about your legal woes. Guess you've been too busy to post jokes. Take it easy!

 

[MercyMia]

http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01

I think it's in Italian but it's fairly easy to understand. Link to the above site, put the coin in the slot, select your choice of beverage and click on APRI when the cup is full!

 

[MercyMia]

Check your drivers license.

Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own!

I just searched for mine and there it was..picture and all!!

Thanks Homeland Security! Where are our rights?

I definitely removed mine.

I suggest you do the same.

Cut and paste the web site address and check it out.

Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.

After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".

This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.


http://www.license.********.com

 

[smoothdevil]

LITTLE TONY ON

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you

shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.



He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."



The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."



Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.



There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:



One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.



The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

!

Which one is married?"



The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."



To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

 

[Quoll]

Check your drivers license.

Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own!

I just searched for mine and there it was..picture and all!!

Thanks Homeland Security! Where are our rights?

I definitely removed mine.

I suggest you do the same.

Cut and paste the web site address and check it out.

Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.

After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".

This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.


http://www.license.********.com

OMFG.

 

[MercyMia]

We need all the laughter we can get!

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade
class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced
an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor
while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in
water could be. He then put the second worm into the
whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the
professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and
wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you
won't get worms."

 

[MercyMia]

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find
themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they
are each asked a question by St. Peter.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I
was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say,
"Look! He's moving!"

 

[MercyMia]

"Bear On a Roof"

The insurance man wakes up one morning to find
a bear on the roof of his upstate New York mansion.
So he looks in the yellow pages and - sure enough -
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives
and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball
bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the wealthy insurance man
asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with
this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is
trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will
then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the wealthy insurance man.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the insurance industry
magnet.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

 

[MercyMia]

OMFG.

Hey quoll, did you find yourself on the driver's license site, too???

 

[Saucyminx]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab".

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked.

'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.

'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?'

'What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
'How much for a ride to the airport?'

The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'

The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

 

[Saucyminx]

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap- on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door.

"What's going on?"

, she asks.

"I thought you wanted to get kinky?"



He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."

 

[midwestyankee]

Hey quoll, did you find yourself on the driver's license site, too???

I did too. Guess I need a haircut.

 

[smoothdevil]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab".

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked.

'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.

'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?'

'What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
'How much for a ride to the airport?'

The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'

The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

super ... LMAO

 

[MercyMia]

I did too. Guess I need a haircut.

Hope it looks as good as the one in your AV, lol.

 

[smoothdevil]

>A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He
>took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing
>through what little hair he had left on his head.
>
> "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

> He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view
> mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and > > siren blaring.
>
> "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he stomped
> it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
>
> Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He

> pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up
> with him.
>
> The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir,"
> he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is
> Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never
> heard before, I'll let you go."
>
> The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
> Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
>
> "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
>
>
>

 

[smoothdevil]

>Black Panties!!
>
>Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
>constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
>
>Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
>
>Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
>
>Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
>for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
>
>Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude,
>except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
>
>Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
>
>She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
>down there I am still in mourning."
>
>He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
>
>The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
>panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black
>condom.
>
>She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
>
>He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
>
>

 

[MagicFingers]

Yep, been busy

Hi MagicFingers, long time no see. Sorry to hear about your legal woes. Guess you've been too busy to post jokes. Take it easy!

With work and rebuilding my PC too. Got it running better than ever now.
Just have to reload all my programs again- groan!

Nope, nothing funny about the court stuff. I did get a great idea for a non-consent, female lawyer story though.

Just finished another masterpiece, to be released soon. Look for it in theaters (or the new lit list) near you soon.

Guys and gals, these are all great jokes, however, most of them have been posted before. I know that very few people have read all 1200 jokes, but try to keep them fresh. On second thought, don't mean to sound like a party pooper. If you think it's new, post it anyway. Who cares?

 

[MagicFingers]

Stuck On The Island

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that
I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches;
I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware.
How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step,
she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell
necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been
out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months?

You know... "
She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound.
He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

 

[MercyMia]

Hi MagicFingers, yes a lot of the jokes are repeats for us regulars but they might be new for other people. It's nice to have you back {{{MagicFingers}}}

 

[smoothdevil]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably down at the bar getting drunk with his friends"

 

[smoothdevil]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably down at the bar getting drunk with his friends"