How to make people laugh

[grungalunga]

Removing contents at request of poster.
RIP Grunga - you were a pal.

 

[Xectxny19X]

A Man At The Beach

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke its neck, stepped on its eggs, and burned its nest."

 

[grungalunga]

Removing contents at request of poster.
RIP Grunga - you were a pal.

 

[Quoll]

Mark returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Mark asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees,
and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, You know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they
do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now
has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks "Honey, please ... just one more
time before I die?"
She says, "Of course dear" and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Mark, however,
worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns until he's down to just 4 more hours. He taps his wife,
who rouses. "Honey, I have only
4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Mark, I have to get up In
the morning...You don't."

 

[smoothdevil]

Mark returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Mark asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees,
and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, You know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they
do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now
has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks "Honey, please ... just one more
time before I die?"
She says, "Of course dear" and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Mark, however,
worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns until he's down to just 4 more hours. He taps his wife,
who rouses. "Honey, I have only
4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Mark, I have to get up In
the morning...You don't."

LMAO............

 

[Xectxny19X]

hey sweet tits!!!

First time i heard that joke, i was in first grade, before i discovered the miracle of masturbation, so i thought he peed on the kid.

I was fucked up as a kid, huh?

*bops the wookie over the head*
It's better being physical than verbal with you, hu?
*grins and winks* Take care.

 

[grungalunga]

Removing contents at request of poster.
RIP Grunga - you were a pal.

 

[MercyMia]

Thank you it`s one of my old favourites

It's one of those jokes that only certain people can tell...have to get that punch line just right

 

[grungalunga]

what do a gyno and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can both smell the pie, but cant taste it.

 

[grungalunga]

what do a near sighted gyno and a healthy dog have in common?

Wet noses

 

[grungalunga]

Removing contents at request of poster.
RIP Grunga - you were a pal.

 

[Quoll]

Is this a challenge?

luke won a live duck in a bar room drawing, while walking home, he noticed a movie was showing at a theater that hed wanted to see. He walked up to get a ticket and the ticket girl told him he could not bring the duck inside. Down an alley goes luke, who sticks the duck down the front of his pants,goes back and gets his ticket. He sits down in the dark next to a young couple. Half way through the movie, the girlfriend nudges her boyfriend and says "theres a man next to me, and his pants is unzipped and his penis is sticking out. The boyfriend says "well, youve seen one before." "Yes, she replies, but this ones eating popcorn!"

 

[Quoll]

your turn

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe
him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal
pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would
impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a
duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however,
did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never
getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a
duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single
word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."



night all

 

[smoothdevil]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe
him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal
pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would
impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a
duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however,
did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never
getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a
duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single



word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."



night all

super ... lol

 

[Little Bird]

It reminds me of a similar one but it's hard for me to translate into english...

But has anyone told yet, whar a couple having sex at the beach and american beer have in common?

They're both fucking close to water!

 

[Little Bird]

Keep 'em comming. Too many good ones to single out just one.

Changing Tires:
This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

Totaly love this one.

 

[kayte]

Giggles

Baby Planes?


A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"


The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.


So, the boy dutifully walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"


"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" the attendant asked the lad.


The little boy admitted that she did.


"Well, then, tell your mother there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time," said the pretty flight attendant. "I'm sure she won't have any trouble explaining that to you."

 

[JustSkye]

Holiday Feasting

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

[JustSkye]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied," I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".



One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther, I'm

85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance". Esther replied "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". The pilot over heard the couple and said "folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".



Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "Morris replied "well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

 

[Quoll]

duck?

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.

And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."

Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."

He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."

 

[Xectxny19X]

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

*giggles* I've ALWAYS liked this one! I haven't heard it in a long time. Thanks!

 

[Saucyminx]

just ducking in

One day an 18 year old boy gets a duck from his dad. His dad says to get whatever he can for the duck. So the son sets out on his adventure. While walking down the street, he is approached by a hooker. She says, "Hey, I'll fuck you if you give me that duck." So he does. When they are all finished, she says, "You did such a fine job, that I'll give the duck back if you fuck me again." So he does, gets his duck back and continues his journey.

While walking along, the duck suddenly flies out of his hands, into the street and gets hit by an 18 wheeler. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry kid, here's $10 for your duck."

When the boy gets home, his dad asks him what he got for the duck and the boy says, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and ten bucks for a fucked up duck."

 

[Quoll]

Well duck me.

A general practitioner, an internist, and a surgeon go duck hunting. A duck flies overhead, and the GP says, "Gee, kinda looks like a duck," and shoots it. Another duck flies overhead, and the internist sights it. "Rule out pheasant, rule out goose, must be duck" he says, and shoots it. A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Then he looks at the others. "What was that?" he asks.

 

[Saucyminx]

does other poultry count?

A woman brings a parrot home from the pet store and names it Fred. One afternoon, the bird begins to talk and says, "Fuck you! Fuck you!"

The lady is shocked and calmly tells the bird that it is not nice to swear. She further warns that if he persists, she will have to take drastic action. Several days go by and the bird continues to curse her.

One afternoon, while the lady has company, Fred begins his swearing and the lady loses her temper and throws him into the freezer. Several hours pass before she remembers what she had done. She quickly takes him out and puts him down on the table.

Fred is shivering and almost frozen. After warming up a while, the lady asked Fred, "Have you learned your lesson?"

Fred shudders and says, "Yes, but just one question. What in the hell did that turkey in there say?"

 

[Saucyminx]

ducking the duck subject

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a lick-a-lotta-puss

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!


A priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it anywhere. So he decided to bring up the subject at Sunday mass. From the pulpit he asked, "Has anyone got a cock?" All the men in the congregation stood up. "No, no, I mean has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no, no," he shouted in frustration, "has anyone seen my cock?" And all the nuns stood up.