How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

The results of this study are pretty interesting:

a: 85% of women think their ass is too big

b. 10% of women think their ass is too little

c. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway. >

 

[Xectxny19X]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

The results of this study are pretty interesting:

a: 85% of women think their ass is too big

b. 10% of women think their ass is too little

c. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway. >

omfg...
I was nodding all the way until part c and practically spilled my drink!
Okay, that was GOOD!
​

 

[Quoll]

Handy Home Hints from The Ferrets

Decorating the home

ÿ Texture those newly glossed painted areas by lightly brushing up against
them. Humans just love that furry look on the bottom few centimetres of
door.
ÿ Tidy up the paintbrushes, especially those with paint on them.
ÿ Jump up and down against the wall to check if it`s been painted
properly.
ÿ Climb the ladder; you`ll find you get a different view of the world.
ÿ Collect all the cloths that your humans have untidily left around.
Pay special attention to those in buckets of water.

Lounge room and bedroom

ÿ Sock drawers will need to be sorted out on a regular basis, at least
once
a day. This is an easy job, you empty the drawer, your human puts them
back.
ÿ Tidy up anything on the floor, or anything that you can put on the
floor,
to some hard to get to place. Your humans will say "Oh, thank you" when
they finally find it days later.
ÿ If your pooh trays need changing and your humans haven`t noticed, remind
them by leaving little brown and yellow messages nearby. They`ll be so
grateful.
ÿ Puff yourself up to twice your normal size to defend your home against
the
neighbour`s cat. Make it think that you are some kind of super mouse.

The Kitchen

ÿ Offer to lick out any mixing bowls; this is a reward for all your hard
work.
ÿ When called upon to help with the potato scrubbing remember to grab some
potatoes out of the sink and hid them in the corner. Your human will be so
grateful that he won`t have so many to scrub.
ÿ Get under the fridge to check out the drip tray, your human can`t be
expected to remember everything.
ÿ Sort out the plastic bags; the ones with holes in are yours.
If you can make a hole in one, that`s yours as well.
ÿ Like wise the glass jars need to be checked, roll out any onto the
kitchen
floor that you don`t approve of.

The Laundry

ÿ Insist on getting in the top loader, when its finished of course, to see
if the laundry is nice and clean. Remember to leave a few hairs on each
item
to show that its been checked.
ÿ Swing on the clothes that have been pegged on the drier. Your job is to
make sure that they are adequately secured.
ÿ Taste test the soapy water in the laundry, is she using your favourite
soap.
The Office
ÿ Those desk drawers will need rearranging, subscribe to the "chaos"
theory
and not the "putting like objects together tidily" theory. You can get in
at the bottom drawer and tidy your way to the top, then pop out and surprise your human.
ÿ Humans like to put screwed up bits of paper in the one place but they
look
so much more attractive spread all over the floor. You may need to persist
with this "ferret shui" idea.
ÿ Bookshelves are another area in which a ferret`s artistic nature can
assert itself. Resist your human`s attempts to line up their books in
order
on the shelf. They are so much easier to read if they are already open on
the floor.

The Garage

ÿ This is the area in which you can really get stuck in with gusto;
checking out what`s in all the boxes; emptying those bags of soil; collecting all the cobwebs on your fur; and if you`re mechanically minded then under the car is a fabulous place to explore.
A word of warning though, your humans will probably insist on you having a
bath after helping in the garage. Still that`s fun too, apart from the bit
where she has to scrub those oily spots!!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

The Irish Daughter

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.Upon her return, her father cussed her;

" Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot!Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million.For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the CountryClub... (takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant".

 

[Saucyminx]

you guys are too funny

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but how did they get in there?


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. The bar tender looks at him and says, "Excuse me Captain, but did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate looks at him and says, "Arrrgh, and it's drivin' me nuts.

 

[Quoll]

Ok now those are just silly.

Got any more?

A man walks into a bar.

Stupid place to leave a bar.

 

[smoothdevil]

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

 

[Saucyminx]

you did ask

Ok now those are just silly.

Got any more?

A man walks into a bar.

Stupid place to leave a bar.

Guy goes into a whore house, pays his money, picks out a blonde and takes her upstairs. When they get in the room, he says "Would you mind if we opened the window and did it on the sill?"

She says "your money, whatever." So they start going at it on the window sill. Gravity occurs and they fall out onto the sidewalk. An old drunk weaves past. He stops and looks at the fallen pair, goes up to the door of the whore house and knocks. The madame opens the door, and the bum says "Hey lady, your sign fell."

Ok, ok, I'll go to the corner now.

 

[Quoll]

Ok, ok, I'll go to the corner now.

Got room for one more?


Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

[Saucyminx]

but wait, there's more

Got room for one more?

Absolutely! There is always room in the corner for one more. But, after this joke I may be there a very long time.

A guy goes to a bar for his 21st birthday. The bartender says, "So buddy, what will it be?"

Guy says, "I guess a beer. It's my first time drinking."

So the bartender sets him up and keeps them coming. The guy gets totally hammered and staggers home. The next night he comes back in. "So," says the bartender, "how was it? Set you up again?"

The guy groans. "No way--I'll never drink again. I went home last night and blew chunks."

The bartender says, "Oh, don't worry about it. That happens to everyone at least once."

The guy says, "No, you don't understand--chunks is my dog."

 

[Quoll]

They may not let either of us out then


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

However, every once in a while he would hear an internal, reassuring voice
that said: Dave, don't worry about it. You are not the first doctor to
sleep with one of their patients and you will not be the last. And after all you
are single. Just Let It Go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering.
. . .

















"Dave, you're a vet..!"

 

[Saucyminx]

They may not let either of us out then

lol well then welcome to the corner!


This guy's elbow starts to hurt so he goes to the Dr. Dr. takes a quick look at the elbow, hands him a cup and says, "Go in the bathroom and pee in this cup so I can run it through our new diagnostic matchine. Then we will know exactly what is wrong with you."

The guy says "C'mon Doc. That machine can't really tell what's wrong with you just by analyzing some pee. "

The Dr. insists. The guy looks skeptical, but does it. Dr. pours it into the machine. The machine starts blinking and making noises and spits out a small print out. The Dr. looks at it and says, "Oh, you have tennis elbow. Take these pills, and do these exercises every day. Take this cup along, and in a week, pee in it and bring it back. We'll make sure you are all fixed up."

So the guy goes home--and thinks I'll show this Dr. that this whole machine thing is just ridiculous. So he gets his wife to pee in the cup, then his teen-age daughter, follows his dog around and gets some of that when it squats, and finally jacks-off into the cup. At the end of the week, he takes it to the Dr. He can barely resist a smirk as the Dr. pours it into the machine. The machine goes wild! It's beeping, and flashing and carrying on, finally with a puff or two of smoke, it spits out a long print out. The Dr. grabs it, and with furrowed brow, starts reading it.

The guy smiles, "so Doc, what's the matter with me?" The Dr. looks at him gravely and says, "Well, your wife has the clap; your daughter is pregnant; your dog has the mange; and if you don't quit jacking off, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."

 

[Quoll]

Groan alert.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"


Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.


A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[smoothdevil]

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

 

[Quoll]

Crank Up The Volume

Happy Easter, yo

 

[Xectxny19X]

ROFLMAO...okay, where ARE you all finding these jokes?!! HILARIOUS!

 

[Quoll]

This one cracks me up every time, it also dates me too


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

 

[smoothdevil]

A Mean Trick

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

 

[Xectxny19X]

A Mean Trick

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

LoL, Thanks for this one!

 

[Quoll]

ROFLMAO...okay, where ARE you all finding these jokes?!! HILARIOUS!

Hmm, well I`m a hoarder, I have a long memory, and a very sick sense of humour. If they make you laugh more than groan, well you`re as sick as me.


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
"Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his
face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is
resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On
opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard
under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front
and yells at him;
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name!
Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

 

[Saucyminx]

duck joke alert!

A duck walks into a bar, and goes up to the counter. "Excuse me but do you have any peanuts?"

The bartender says, "no, we don't have any peanuts and we don't serve ducks so get out of here." So the duck leaves. An hour later, the duck comes back in and says "Excuse me but do you have any peanuts?"

"No," the bartender says, "I told you we don't have any peanuts! Now get out of here before I hit you with a baseball bat." So the duck leaves. One hour later, the duck comes back. The bartender says, "let me guess. You want to know if we have any peanuts."

The duck says, "no, do you have a baseball bat?"

The bartender says, "no." The duck says,"well then, do you have any peanuts?"


These will all come in quite handy at the annual Easter dinner joke off we have at my sister's house!

 

[Quoll]

You like Ducks!

DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay*her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.
*
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
*sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
*
*The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
*"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
*testing on him or anything.* He might just be in a coma or something."
*The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned*a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

*As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
*legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
*from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook*his
head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments*later
with a cat.* The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed*delicately at
the bird.* The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its*head,*meowed softly
and*strolled out of the room.

*The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this*is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.."
*
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and*produced
a
bill which he handed to the woman.
*
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
*"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

*The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry.* If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
*would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now
$150.00...."

 

[Quoll]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them
together
and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to
this
ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along
come
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely
ugly
man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall,
tan,
muscular, and with LONG good hair and AUSTRALIAN. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for
all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but
I
stepped on a duck."

 

[smoothdevil]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them
together
and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to
this
ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along
come
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely
ugly
man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall,
tan,
muscular, and with LONG good hair and AUSTRALIAN. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for
all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but
I
stepped on a duck."

LMAOF

 

[smoothdevil]

A couple are lying in bed.

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."