How to make amends?

[bailadora]

Heavyhitter01, you act like we are all gonna automatically and unquestioningly take your word on TL's life and remorse or lack of it as the gospel truth. You're just coming off more like a bigger attention whore than your intended victim. And who's to say who you really are? For all I know, you're a fabrictated alt of her own, or the guy she cheated with, or the woman who got cheated on. Frankly, who cares really.

It's essentially an impotent manouver to try and victimize TL here. You made your point, cheating sucks. But if you think you're doing the "right thing"...meanwhile you are, counterproductive to your desired effect, garnering MORE empathy for TL than anything else.

True that. Whatever the case, I think it's obvious we're not going to change his or her mind. Whatever. Time to stop feeding the troll. I propose we all either stop replying, put HH on iggy or something to that effect and let this thread die.

 

[heavyhitter01]

I only came her to see what others say as I am trying to decide if I should forgive and try to forget.

If that is the case, I hope you don't take this thread as the gospel.

I got curious and read your other posts here. My advice, from a very different perspective than most of those who are posting here? Forgive your husband and work through it if you can. As you mentioned in one of your previous posts, love can change things.

As for the other woman who keeps going after your husband, she deserves NOTHING from you. If she keeps going after him, out her, at least here on Lit, so other people know what they are getting into if they deal with her.

Those posting here would have you believe that staying silent is the answer, that you shouldn't do anything to "wrong" her, that meddling in someone's "private" life is wrong. But keep in mind that if you keep your mouth shut, there are many other men who might get involved with her. Those men might have wives just like you. Think about what it means for THEM if someone like that is not stopped.

 

[heavyhitter01]

True that. Whatever the case, I think it's obvious we're not going to change his or her mind. Whatever. Time to stop feeding the troll. I propose we all either stop replying, put HH on iggy or something to that effect and let this thread die.

Excellent! Perhaps the absence of all the sympathy for ms_intrigue will draw in posters who have a more balanced view.

 

[ima6uldv8]

I'm sure she will be happy to come back to the loving Lit bosom when the dust settles. You have certainly given her a most welcoming home here.

Just an observation here but to me, this statement almost makes you sound jealous of her. Thoughts, anyone?

 

[Lord Pmann]

It's already started. But do you really think I am going to explain what the outing entails so she can take a look in here and prepare for what hasn't happened yet? I might be "disturbing" but I'm not stupid.

I didn't realize they were secrets.

 

[heavyhitter01]

Just an observation here but to me, this statement almost makes you sound jealous of her. Thoughts, anyone?

Not jealous, but honestly amazed. I really am surprised that a board of such "open minded" individuals can't see that there are two sides to every story.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

Excellent! Perhaps the absence of all the sympathy for ms_intrigue will draw in posters who share my views.

Fixed that for ya.

You're welcome.

 

[imemkay]

If that is the case, I hope you don't take this thread as the gospel.

I got curious and read your other posts here. My advice, from a very different perspective than most of those who are posting here? Forgive your husband and work through it if you can. As you mentioned in one of your previous posts, love can change things.

As for the other woman who keeps going after your husband, she deserves NOTHING from you. If she keeps going after him, out her, at least here on Lit, so other people know what they are getting into if they deal with her.

Those posting here would have you believe that staying silent is the answer, that you shouldn't do anything to "wrong" her, that meddling in someone's "private" life is wrong. But keep in mind that if you keep your mouth shut, there are many other men who might get involved with her. Those men might have wives just like you. Think about what it means for THEM if someone like that is not stopped.

I guess I don't see how outing her is going to change anything. It won't change the past, and I doubt it will change the future. You've said repeatedly TL has no morals, so why should being outed stop her? In fact, don't you think that maybe, just maybe there is some guy sitting on Lit reading all this thinking about cheating on his wife? Now you've given him the perfect person to PM and try to hook up with.
And as I said before, I really think it will do more harm than good to your friend's wife. I was cheated on years ago and I'll tell you this, every time I hear that woman's name I see red. All it does it dredge everything up.
But what do I know - I'm just a righteously cute girl. BTW, I prefer "adorable"

 

[Eilan]

Excellent! Perhaps the absence of all the sympathy for ms_intrigue will draw in posters who have a more balanced view.

I think you're all assholes. How's that for balance?

 

[heavyhitter01]

I guess I don't see how outing her is going to change anything. It won't change the past, and I doubt it will change the future. You've said repeatedly TL has no morals, so why should being outed stop her? In fact, don't you think that maybe, just maybe there is some guy sitting on Lit reading all this thinking about cheating on his wife? Now you've given him the perfect person to PM and try to hook up with.
And as I said before, I really think it will do more harm than good to your friend's wife. I was cheated on years ago and I'll tell you this, every time I hear that woman's name I see red. All it does it dredge everything up.
But what do I know - I'm just a righteously cute girl. BTW, I prefer "adorable"

You're right...being outed might not stop her. But someone needs to try.

And from this point on, "adorable" it is.

 

[heavyhitter01]

I think you're all assholes. How's that for balance?

That's the first post here that made me laugh out loud.

 

[Lord Pmann]

That's the first post here that made me laugh out loud.

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY EILAN!!!!

If you don't, I'll out you like a horny dog's penis.

 

[heavyhitter01]

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY EILAN!!!!

If you don't, I'll out you like a horny dog's penis.

No worries, man...I'm too much of an asshole to be a threat.

 

[subwannabe]

I believe the Librarian has left the building.

 

[heavyhitter01]

I believe the Librarian has left the building.

Oh, she will be back. There are too many eligible married and attached men on this forum.

 

[SweetErika]

My question for TL is: did heavy's threats/actions of outing you make you stop, take a really good look at yourself and your behavior, and start feeling bad about those things? In other words, would you still be on your destructive path without his "help" or would you feel remorse and seek to change on your own at this point if you'd been left to your own devices?

If HH's outing of you has forced you to stop and affect positive changes, then I do think his actions are justified. I don't believe he's going about it in the best way, but maybe the end justifies the means to some extent at least. I won't defend you for a second if you are still trying to interfere with HH's friend's relationship or you are indeed considering getting involved with other people who are attached. But if you've learned from your awful actions and seek help, I can certainly respect and support that approach.

 

[Sistinas74]

my 6 cents

Well the plot really unfolded in here, didn't it? I'm wondering how the heavy hitter dude knew the librarian was even on Lit, and even knew her old username??? Also, is this odd behavior for a guy's buddy to get so involved in a couples situation??? Most guys don't want anywhere near this kind of drama!! This would be most likely a female domain..woman scorned and all that. My intuition has me suspecting heavy hitter is a female somewhere in this mix...as this is definitely more of what a pissed off chick would do.

 

[TeaforMe]

Well the plot really unfolded in here, didn't it? I'm wondering how the heavy hitter dude knew the librarian was even on Lit, and even knew her old username??? Also, is this odd behavior for a guy's buddy to get so involved in a couples situation??? Most guys don't want anywhere near this kind of drama!! This would be most likely a female domain..woman scorned and all that. My intuition has me suspecting heavy hitter is a female somewhere in this mix...as this is definitely more of what a pissed off chick would do.

I had the same suspicions...if not then he might just be obsessed with TL, or maybe even the man friend. It really is bizarre behavior for a guy. TL has posted messages to threads all over Lit screaming for attention about this in weird cryptic messages. Who the hell does that?

 

[njlauren]

It makes me think of the story in the Bible where people are about to stone a woman caught in adultery. The religious, self righteous people bring a woman to him and say, "This whore was caught cheating. Should we stone her?" Jesus leans over and writes something on the ground and then tells them that the person without sin should throw the first stone. Of course, they all drop their stones and walk off.

The bible doesn't say what Jesus wrote in the sand, but I always thought he wrote "where is the man".

You can consider the story a fairy tale or whatever you wish. I'm not trying to start a religious debate, I just think it seems applicable.

Not to hijack the thread but one likely scenario is he was writing the names of the men in the group who had slept with the woman (which sort of fits the statement about you without sin,etc)....

 

[njlauren]

I read every word of the thread. I'm curious: Why are you attacking me for my choices but NOT attacking her for her choices?

There is an old expression, it is known as hating the sin and loving the sinner. TL came on here and said she had acted like shit and she wanted to try and make amends for it and people responded to that, they didn't exactly condone what she did, they told her is she was serious that she had a lot of work to do. People responded exactly to what she said, they took her at face value and responded as they would anyone else asking for help.

No one is arguing what she did stank, no one told her that's okay, they told her how they felt she could go forward but no one condoned what she did, said it was okay.

What you are doing is exacting retribution, as someone else wrote, you are playing judge, jury and executioner. Do you have any proof that at this point she is still trying to get at your friend (I am not talking the past 2 years, I am talking now)...is she still actively trying to screw in his life, or has she stopped? If she has, ever dawn on you maybe, just maybe, she actually is trying to fix herself? If your threat of outing got her to stop (and you haven't answered my question if presently she is trying to get to him) then you have accomplished something........but what it sounds like to me is you want personal retribution, you are out there in self righteous anger or whatever. To be honest, raging on an online forum like this comes off like Javert in Les Miserables persecuting a man years later whose crime was stealing a load of bread. I am not saying TL didn't do something horrific morally and otherwise, I know damn well the pain what she did caused......but to obsess like you are isn't healthy for anyone, it is irrational and to quote Mr. Spock, illogical.

You want everyone to jump on the bandwagon, to join in your moral crusade against TL, to demean someone we don't know and have no personal stake, you want us to put the scarlet letter on her and so forth and we are refusing to do it because we have no reason to, we are willing to take her at face value that she did something horrible, really fucked up, and we offered ways for her to move forward. Calling her a whore, slut, whatever, won't do much...if we 'cast her out' , denigrated her, whatever, there would be zero chance of her listening to what we say and maybe actually turning her life around. Whatever she did, she deserves the chance to turn her life around, to break from what she did and maybe make amends for it. You gave your friend hell, by your own admission, but then you gave him the space to try and repair what he did, maybe give TL the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe, she learned her lesson....maybe give her a chance to prove you wrong, that she is serious this time, maybe she will get the help I suspect she needs.....there is obvious nothing anyone on here is going to do that will stop you, but think about the movie "Clockwork Orange", where in meting out punishment the state ends up doing worse things then the ones who did the horrible things, and figure out what you may be doing to your own soul.

I don't doubt TL did foul things and continued to do so, but maybe, just maybe, she is moving on, and if so, what does doing what you do, except fill some need inside yourself for revenge. You are an adult, you make your own choices as she did, and realize you might be bringing unintended consequences on yourself.

 

[njlauren]

Librarian:

I don't know if you're still coming back to read this thread, but on the off chance that you are and on the off chance that you are sincere about changing the person you have been in the past, I have this advice for you.

Since it seems that this other person is determined to out you to everyone you know, I'd suggest a preemptive strike. I'd gather those of your friends, family, etc who are not yet in the know and simply explain what is going on. That you carried on an affair with a married man, you tried to hide it and now someone is determined to out you to all and sundry. Confess your remorse and explain that you are seeking professional help (and make damn sure you do this). Then accept the consequences (whatever they may be) like a responsible adult and learn from them. It will be painful, and it will be difficult, quite possibly the most difficult thing you've ever experienced in your life. But if you can use it as motivation to change and become a better person, then it will not have all been in vain. It won't do anything to lessen the pain you will experience, but at least it will eliminate the drawn out worry and fear of who's next to be informed and what their reaction will be. By getting it out there in one fell swoop, it's over and done with and you can then concentrate on the goal of becoming a better person.

Yes, there are likely going to be people who abandon you. There will likely be people who talk about you either to your face or behind your back, but that's really beyond your control. And truthfully, that's not what's really important. If you sincerely wish to become the better person you claim you want to be, then, as painful as it might be, a purging of such people from your life is actually beneficial to you. You only want to retain those who will help you achieve your goal of improvement, not hang onto those who want to keep reminding you of your past.

You've done some really shitty things and I don't applaud you for them, at all. But....I also believe in helping those who honestly want to change. And on the off chance that you do, that's the best I can offer you.

Balladora, nicely put, as well as anyone could.

 

[NaughtyGingerBoy]

HH
you said you read all our posts....perhaps you missed mine.

Advice was asked for and, amidst other things said, given. That's the point of this section of Lit.
Perhaps you are unaware but many people pretend to be something they're not when they're online.
It wasn't for us to instantly question what she said or her motives, we just went with what we were given.
Then you appeared and, as far as I can tell, smugly informed us of our naive and wrong behaviour then got angry when we didn't just side with you. Yes there are two sides to every story but if you insist we should question hers then by the same judgement we should question yours.
As for cheating...I will never condone it in any way. Getting my own revenge upon my ex never helped me. Not really.
There are still things I could do but I can't see the point any more, if I am confronted with anything again then I guess I could use some more of the evidence I found but in all honesty....knowing I have been honest and told the truth when I had to is enough. If the chance occurs then I shall tell the truth again.

Seeking out revenge caused me untold personal and psychological problems. Beware what you do for you know not what it will cause.

 

[NaughtyGingerBoy]

Oh and btw. I'll be expecting an apology for suggesting I condoned her behaviour you stupid fuckwit.

And with that I am off to bed because it's late.

 

[njlauren]

She didn't make excuses HERE. She accepted full responsibility HERE. But the things that almost every poster here seems to miss is that she DID NOT do that in any other venue, online or in real life. As I have said numerous times, what you see here is NOT what you get when it comes to ms_intrigue.

I considered your conjecture that she might kill herself, among many other possibilities. I did ask myself if it would bother me if she took her own life over the things that I reveal about her. The answer is that I wouldn't shed a single tear. I might feel badly that she chose to do yet another stupid thing -- in a long line of stupid things -- but I would see it as par for her course. In fact, I might breathe a sigh of relief.

Maybe that makes me an evil asshole. Perhaps it does. But at least I'm being honest from the start about everything I am thinking and feeling.

So many here seem to believe that this is a knee-jerk reaction, something that hasn't been thought through. Just because I don't agree with the posters here who say I should cut her some slack does NOT mean I haven't thought this through for a very long time.

And remember, we don't know what you are saying is true, either. I am sure you can give us a laundry list of things she did and it is true, I am sure she has been a duplicious bitch to get the kind of reaction you have, but that doesn't mean that she cannot change or won't change. I think everyone on here deplores what she did, and your claim that we condone cheating is asinine, because no one does, everyone has told her what she did was wrong, that it was serious and there are consequences to what she did and she may not be able to even make amends..everyone told her to get help, that she has serious issues if she did stuff like this, no one said "ah, well, it was one of those things", no one. You want us to get into your game, you wanted us to jump on her and make yourself feel better by condoning what you are doing, and people refused to do that, even though I suspect many of them, like myself, understand where you are coming from. You keep saying she can't change, people on here simply are giving her the benefit of the doubt and gave her advice on how to try and put it together. No one is defending her actions, we simply are assuming she is on here for a reason......put it this way, her 'act', if it is one, is only fooling herself, if she is pretending to want to change and make amends, it is a pretty stupid act because she is fooling a group of virtual pen pals,it won't make her life easier, it won't let her skip responsibility, it simply is she fooled a bunch of virtual people, so what does she gain? It isn't like any of us are dying to meet her in real life or want her as a friend, I doubt few would want to tangle with her unless she got help, so what would be the point? If she was looking for sympathy, she could go on any one of a billion online forums and find 'welcome' and so forth, so why dick around on here? And if we 'shunned her' or called her whore, what would that do? It might make you feel better, but it won't change her...and in effect, what you are attempting to do on here is create a self fulfilling prophesy, you want people on here to treat her like a leper, not try and help her, and then you can tell yourself "see, she is the same old slut, since she isn't trying to get help' ......

Put it this way, your friend still has his ever loving because she was willing to disbelieve people like yourself. I am sure the SO after this came out told her the husband was a piece of shit, plenty of people probably shunned him, called him names to his wife, told her to walk away, he wasn't worth it, you name it, told him cheaters always cheat, he was garbage, you name it, but his wife was willing to give him the chance to show he had changed and remember, he had done something pretty vile, too, he cheated with TL and it wasn't a one night fling aparently...but his wife was willing to take the chance that when he was discovered and seemed contrite, that it was genuine and let him attempt to make amends, she didn't assume he was soiled garbage to be tossed aside. I am sure there were those who told her and anyone supporting him they were supporting a bad person, a cheater, whatever , who believed he wasn't sincere, couldn't change.....but still, she gave him that chance.

Unfortunately, there is no way any of us will ever know if she is sincere or not. For all we know, next week she could start seeing a shrink and work out her problems, she could really dig low in herself and finally repent, truly, but we won't know and judging from your behavior, even if she did you would probably keep right on jumping on her, saying she was worthless, etc because at this point, it sounds like you don't want her to change, you want her to stay the bogeyman you can beat up on. You say we don't know what she is like, which is true, but that means we also don't know what really is going on, either, since our one source of 'news' is obviously biased. It is like expecting rational discourse from a talking head on Fox News about Obama or Mitt Romney by Rachel Maddow, aint going to happen.

 

[Noor]

wow, I find this vendetta and thread kind of overwhelming. I prefer much simpler emotion, and not to live life as a chess game. I don't know any of the players beyond what is written on this thread and frankly the only victim I see here is the wife.

I don't understand the former friend's position at all. The person mainly in the wrong here is his friend and that is who must deal with it. No one knows what happens between two people in a relationship, and the truth is often somewhere in the middle.

If the OP is sociopath or psychopath then it probably doesn't matter what consequences are or how the people feel what they have done, the best thing to do is to stop engaging in any kind of interaction with her and let her move onto her next victim.

People don't change unless they want to, if you cause her to lose her job whatever that is not going to help her do that.

heavyhitter01-your venom is poisonous, watch out that you don't destroy your own life while you are trying to destroy hers.