How to make amends?

[The_Librarian]

Okay, Chris. You win. Please stop now?

 

[amofiga]

Let's say you have done some terrible things.

To make a long story short, you have lied to those who loved you. You cheated on the person who trusted you to stay faithful. You stole someone from their significant other, only to toss them away when you were finished using them. You did this again and again.

You didn't feel bad about these things as they were happening. You only felt bad about them when you got caught.

If you have done these terrible things, how can you make amends? What would you suggest as a good way to make up for the things you have done?

Thanks in advance for your thoughtful responses.

It may not be that simple to "make amends" and confession (especially if things are still secrets) is not always going to solve things. It could make them worse. If you've done these things repeatedly and habitually, you probably have a significant emotional problem and probably should start out by working with a good therapist. If/when you can get a handle on your own emotional issues, you may have to just bite the bullet and start over in life with a new group of friends who don't know about your historical pattern of behavior.

I know that to forgive is divine ,but I doubt that a lot of people are just going to put their arms around you and say, "all is well now", if it's been a long pattern of bad behavior. If your lucky, some may accept that you've changed, but many would likely be suspicious and want to deal with you at arm's length till they can be convinced that you've changed. It's like an alcoholic that goes off the wagon repeatedly. You'd have to be strong enough to live with it to regain trust over a long stretch of time.

I myself hurt the one I love terribly, and it took years of therapy and work to regain trust. However, even though it may have been forgiven, it's not forgotten, and it can still be an elephant in the room when people's discussions, or movies, or TV shows touch on issues that bring back bad memories. Good luck.

 

[nakdsub]

You don't...

The things you have described leave scars that last a life time. All you can do now is live with the consequences and be the best person you can be.

 

[HappyAlone]

Honestly, those scars dont heal very easily and in my experience, an apology doesnt often cover it. The best way to make amends is to change the way you do and view things. You know its wrong now but you didnt then, right? Do what i do - when i do something, whether its hanging out with new friends or partying or whatever, i put their perspective on it. Would it hurt them? Would it ruin the friendship/ relationship? Would it hurt theirs or anyone elses self esteem and/or confidence? Also - think of how stuff would make you feel before you do anything that you know isnt right. You cant tell me you didnt think you were doing wrong, you knew you were. You just didnt care at the time because it was what you wanted so fuck it. That type of mentality doesnt get to many people very far in life. It just makes them miserable in the end, much like you are miserable now. I hope you are able to change your perspective on things and i hope you learn when to put others feelings and confidence before your own when you're in a situation that could hurt someone else. because in the end - you're the one that gets hurt the worst.

 

[Eilan]

My husband's ex-wife could have written the first post.

Other people's mileage may vary, obviously, but if I heard through the grapevine that my husband's ex wanted to make amends with him, I'd be tempted to tell her that the best way for her to make amends would be to leave him the fuck alone.

Yeah, making amends might make you feel better, but perhaps the people you hurt don't want you back in their lives dredging up old memories that they've already put behind them.

 

[The_Librarian]

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[whynotjustsayit]

*reading thread, with interest*

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

take a look

There is probably no better pattern for how to behave in your situation than the twelve steps utilized by those in AA. I KNOW you said nothing about booze, but, at bottom, the problem is being self-centered (there are many other ways to put it). Just take a look at the steps.

 

[HappyAlone]

I wish you luck!

 

[The_Librarian]

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[The_Librarian]

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[subwannabe]

My advice is to put it in the past. The best way to make ammends is to probably stay away from these people for the rest of your life. I'm sure that is what they would tell you. If you're serious then start your life over and do it right this time and let the past go. You will probably never be able to make ammends with those you have already wronged. Trying will just piss them off.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

If you fuck up with some people in this world...whether lightly or egregiously...the great injustice of it is all is that sometimes, there will never be a way to make amends that will ever mean anything. Spoken by someone here who has endured fallings out with family members who are just ridiculous people that nothing with placate or soothe because they just want to be angry...

Forgiveness and tolerance is beyond your control. Move forward...you can't erase the past. Be who you wanna be, starting now.

 

[heartoftexasgrl]

My advice is to put it in the past. The best way to make ammends is to probably stay away from these people for the rest of your life. I'm sure that is what they would tell you. If you're serious then start your life over and do it right this time and let the past go. You will probably never be able to make ammends with those you have already wronged. Trying will just piss them off.

Absolutely.

If the woman who my ex-husband cheated with tried to come to me to "make amends," I'd tell her to go fuck herself.
ESPECIALLY knowing that the only reason she has any remorse at all is that she got caught by her own mate, so now she's "sorry," as seems to be the situation here, from reading these and other posts from this user. Even in making amends she's self centered.

 

[Recidiva]

I know when I was wronged and someone wanted to make amends, I wasn't in the littlest bit interested. The best thing that happened was me cutting my losses and getting away from them and they were part of the "cut" deal.

If you find a way, then that's fine. However, if they're severe, don't do nonconsent amends, they make things worse. It's just another way to force forgiveness that you may have to just grant to yourself if others don't give it to you.

Examine very carefully whether or not it's you who need the amends, the forgiveness. If your overtures are rejected, please accept no as the answer, and just go forward being the best person you can be, and consider those you meet in the future to be someone to whom you owe compassion and patience, since it can't go to the original owner.

 

[The_Librarian]

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[Recidiva]

I never said I wasn't self-centered. I have always been driven by selfish need, as was the case when I cheated on my partner with someone who already had a partner. I hurt several people simply because I wanted to act the slut.

Part of "making amends" is not only atoning for those actions, but somehow becoming a better person in the process.

(And you don't have to talk about me in the third person...I'm right here, paying attention.)

I honor the impulse, but it's just harder than it seems. People run across this in 12 step programs all the time, the inability to make proper amends to the proper target due to rejection.

I'm not saying it's impossible, there might be something that someone wants from you. You can contact them and ask, I'm just requesting that you take "No" and "No you ________ ________ ________ I don't ever want to hear your _________ _______ _______ again" as an answer to that and don't push.

 

[The_Librarian]

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[Recidiva]

I do know those in my past want to see me hurting now. Maybe my amends to them will come as my life continues to fall apart. It would make them feel much better to know that karma does work.

As for "paying it forward," I think by the time this is over, I will have learned my lesson so well that I will never again hurt anyone in the way I hurt those in the past. At least those who have been hurt will have the comfort of knowing I have learned those lessons.

Okay. Just commit to doing it for greater good and not for someone's revenge fantasies, yours or theirs. If you're getting back in contact with someone who would like to see you humiliate yourself, that's just playing into more negativity.

Ironically you have to have that mindset before you start amends, so you know how to avoid being more destructive.

 

[heartoftexasgrl]

I never said I wasn't self-centered. I have always been driven by selfish need, as was the case when I cheated on my partner with someone who already had a partner. I hurt several people simply because I wanted to act the slut.

Part of "making amends" is not only atoning for those actions, but somehow becoming a better person in the process.

(And you don't have to talk about me in the third person...I'm right here, paying attention.)

Fair enough. I would tell YOU to go fuck yourself.

Sure, for your own peace of mind and karma and whatever the hell you're after here, become a better person. Put some good out there in the universe. Leave those people out of it, unless you have good reason to believe that they want to hear from you. They, unlike you, have likely moved on with their lives and don't spend all their time obsessing over this. Dredging up the memories and pain to unburden your own guilt is just another self centered act.

 

[KierstH12]

....................

 

[njlauren]

It is always a complicated situation, seeking to make amends for what we have done wrong. Some people assume that all you have to do is apologize, say mea culpa mea culpa I have done wrong and suddenly the sun is going to come out, and it won't necessarily. The old religious word, repentance, comes into play here and the problem is exactly as you asked, how do you make amends with those you have wronged?

The real answer is there may very well not be a way to make amends directly back to the people you hurt, sometimes people are so devastated there can be no forgiveness or understanding. If someone went after my spouse, to get them to cheat, and did so as a notch on a bedpost there would be zero anyone could do to get me to forgive them or my spouse, especially if it was done in a way that humiliated me....(on the other hand I prob could forgive a spouse who had a moment of weakness or slipped, as long as I believed they were sincere in their apology and their attempt at amends, even if I chose to break it off with them in the end).

With something like you have outlined, where there was so much damage, so much pain and quite frankly you were the uncaring bitch (from your description), who didn't care what pain you put on others, it would be very, very difficult IMO to do anything that would ease the victims pain, it is likely that anything would come out self serving, more about making yourself feel better than them. It would be different if this was a matter of money, of something lost or stolen, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it is a hurt hard to make amends for, especially since it was done by your account pretty coldly and cruelly, you hurt a lot of innocent people.

To be honest, unless the people themselves show some interest in getting amends from you, your best bet is to let them heal. You could send the victims a heartfelt note and tell them you realize there is nothing you can do to make the pain go away or the hurt, but that at the very least you owed them an apology for what you had done but leave it up to them if they want to go further..not sure it would work, but it is at least an attempt. Some might get some measure of solace out of confronting you, but it probably will not be a hallmark moment, but perhaps at least you would have let them have some measure of peace by letting you know what you did...it would be painful, though, I can promise you that.

For yourself, if you truly regret what you did, if you truly feel bad for the other people, rather then feeling sorry for yourself that your own world is imploding, then probably the best bet is to work at forgiving yourself, there hopefully is a part of you that genuinely regrets what you did, not because you got caught, but because you destroyed other lives, and the first step is finding a way that the 'good' person that feels that pain becomes your inner voice and you find a way to reconcile that with the rest of yourself to become a better person, where you can look at what you have done, feel the pain, feel genuine regret then find a way to rebuild yourself into the person you want to be. I agree with what other wrote, a therapist may be a good start, people don't play 'the slut' for no reasons, the cold hearted person who goes out and wrecks others lives without thought, something is going on there to cause that and you need to get at that, and also at letting the anger and pain that may be driving that go.

It could be in the future that your victims will see a real changed you, if they are anywhere near your life, if you make that effort, they will see someone not the bitch they once hated but a person who seemed to have turned it around, and perhaps then they will let you make amends, to try and help them heal...but the work is yours, and the amend has to be genuine, not regret that your life has fallen apart because of what you did, but regret that you hurt and destroyed others.

I am not going to judge you, I have done less then stellar things in my own life, things I shouldn't have, hopefully I learned from them and became a better person for it, but that is an ongoing question that often has no answer....

 

[The_Librarian]

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[Lord Pmann]

Perhaps they have moved on, but I am just now realizing the extent of the pain my actions caused. I really do believe that a simple apology would go a long way toward making them feel better about things. I never even gave them that.

As for me...I am learning that nothing will make me feel better. Yes, it might be selfish to wish all of this would go away, but I know it won't. My motives now are changing from "me me me" to how I might be able to at least make up for a little bit of the pain I caused.

I think what people are saying is that you can't unring that bell. You genuinely seem sad. And I think you want to let them know you're sorry. But the truth is, it won't make anything better. Sadly. So I think that if you try to fix it, you're only going to cause more harm. It's admirable you want to admit your wrongdoing and make it right. But the best thing to do is move on and be a better person. This is part of your consequences it seems.

 

[heartoftexasgrl]

Perhaps they have moved on, but I am just now realizing the extent of the pain my actions caused. I really do believe that a simple apology would go a long way toward making them feel better about things. I never even gave them that.

As for me...I am learning that nothing will make me feel better. Yes, it might be selfish to wish all of this would go away, but I know it won't. My motives now are changing from "me me me" to how I might be able to at least make up for a little bit of the pain I caused.

I won't presume to know how they feel, so I can only speak to my own experience and feelings as someone whose marriage was ended when he cheated. I have forgiven them, in my heart, because walking around with that kind of anger and resentment was only hurting me. That said, forgiven or not, if that home wrecking whore dared to even think about speaking to me, it would be ugly.

You say that you think an apology from you would go a long way towards helping them. What in the world gives you that idea?