how to involve a partner

[vidiman]

Just exploring this idea.

I would like to get my current partner into being a bit more sexually adventurous and possibly a bit more devious in her attitudes to sexual playing and doing.

The problem being she is quite traditional, text book and a bit conservative in her approach to life
- I have discovered that I have a devious side that needs attention and taking care of (so to speak)

Now the crux - I find it very difficult to express this kind of need, hard to talk about it and deal with the subject - part of this is down to something called Alexithymia (google it) - but it is a difficulty in dealing with emotional expression and understanding feelings and making sense of them)
This causes difficulties in a relationship on its own - yet alone when wanting to bridge this subject

I have tried to keep tis short - yet cover the basics.

Open to any ideas - suggestion or experience .....

 

[suckonsimon]

Vidiman

Before, during and after you seek to do this, give this woman loads of affection, esteem, romance, pleasure in general and pleasure sexual. She will, I guess, thrive on all that stuff and her confidence in her own sexuality will build.

Assuming you have a sound relationship, you can be secure in the knowledge that she will be patient and loving as you seek perhaps with some difficulty to express yourself about all this to her. Tell her about your anxiety about the process, as well as about the fact that you'd like to open up about some of your hopes and desires.

In all this make it clear again and again that you are not going to press her into things she does not wish to explore or try, and that you find fulfillment in what you have with each other already.

The right moments for this kind of exchange? NOT after a time of intimacy which has been dissapointing. Not when she is tired, or for any reason cheesed off with you. Rather, a time when you are both feeling good about each other.

Alongside this, what about the stuff you say during your times of intimacy and intercourse? Is that a time when you feel you can express yourself more easily and fluidly? Say stuff to her that takes her just a little further than her own conservative boundaries in a way which might surprise her, and whett her apetite, at a time when she is on a high with the pleasure you are giving her.

There's my take mate. Yours, Si.

 

[amofiga]

I agree with some of what the previous poster said. Unfortunately, it's also very hard to change a person's basic make up and personality. Too often, people get into relationships and marriages without really understanding that their partner is probably not likely to "be changed" by the other. If they indeed change, it's usually because they want to. Often, what is perceive as change is really just something that was already hidden just coming to light.

It's an unfortunate situation when one partner in a relationship has surpressed his or her "true self" during that dating period and early years and then seems to "surprise" the other about wanting to spice things up or do different things. The one partner feels blindsided and uncertain as to why their spouse/SO has "changed". In order to get the other person to understand and perhaps become part of the "new reality" it will indeed require that they feel safe, secure, loved, accepted, etc. Many of the times, someone in a relationship will come up with "new things" they want to try and it arouses suspicions as to "Where did you learn this?" "Who are you doing that with?" "What put that notion into your head?" It's a fine line to walk to make sure that the other person doesn't feel suspicious or fearful, or pressured.

That being said, there are books, films, etc that at aren't necessarily "porn" that discuss opening lines of communication and expending thinking about sex. It has to be presented as an opportunity for both people to expand and explore and NOT as a necessity of the relationship even though one partner's frustration might make it seem that way. The problems come when despite the efforts of one to bring the other's line of thinking to theirs, it falls on deaf ears. One may say, "That's just not me", "I just can't do those things", "It's just not right." Then the proposing parner may feel even more frustrated and humiliated for suggesting it.

It's truly unfortunate that many couples just can't seem to get all of that out in the open even before they commit to a long term relationship. Unfortunately, that sort of "do you like this?" "Do you do that?" "Are you interested in trying that?" sort of thing seems like a pre-nuptual financial agreement and many people, in the rose colored state of "love", don't want to consider the practical sides of a marriage. Too often, it's years later that you wish you'd done those sorts of things when you should have. Still, there are self-help alternatives, and if it's really a tough time, there are people who have gone to professional sex therapists and sex-counselors to resolve these sorts of things. Think Dr Laura Berman

 

[vidiman]

thanks for those - interesting to get others information.

I will try to describe the Alexithymia thing in alter post.

 

[Emerson40]

Just exploring this idea.

I would like to get my current partner into being a bit more sexually adventurous and possibly a bit more devious in her attitudes to sexual playing and doing.

The problem being she is quite traditional, text book and a bit conservative in her approach to life
- I have discovered that I have a devious side that needs attention and taking care of (so to speak)

Now the crux - I find it very difficult to express this kind of need, hard to talk about it and deal with the subject - part of this is down to something called Alexithymia (google it) - but it is a difficulty in dealing with emotional expression and understanding feelings and making sense of them)
This causes difficulties in a relationship on its own - yet alone when wanting to bridge this subject

I have tried to keep tis short - yet cover the basics.

Open to any ideas - suggestion or experience .....

You have shown that you are able to convey, in a few short paragraphs, what you are thinking and feeling. I'm not clear if Alexithymia makes this any more difficult with your partner than it is with some strangers on a forum, but I would suggest you write out exactly what it is you are wanting to express and share with your partner, and have these notes handy when the two of you sit down to chat - because the two of you will definitely need to talk about this if there is to be any chance of moving forward.

It also sounds like your partner may not be aware of Alexithymia or your struggle with the disorder. If this is the case, perhaps an explanation of the condition and your struggles with it would be a good place to start the conversation with your partner.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You have shown that you are able to convey, in a few short paragraphs, what you are thinking and feeling. I'm not clear if Alexithymia makes this any more difficult with your partner than it is with some strangers on a forum, but I would suggest you write out exactly what it is you are wanting to express and share with your partner, and have these notes handy when the two of you sit down to chat - because the two of you will definitely need to talk about this if there is to be any chance of moving forward.

It also sounds like your partner may not be aware of Alexithymia or your struggle with the disorder. If this is the case, perhaps an explanation of the condition and your struggles with it would be a good place to start the conversation with your partner.

Good advice. I find it helpful to make notes before big conversations, because I get flustered easily in speech.

One caveat, though: I see a lot of people go into this sort of thing with a mindset of "my desires are legitimate and her inhibitions are not". This is a bad idea. Her sexual preferences are just as legitimate as yours. If you can negotiate a solution where both of you are happy, that's great! But don't assume that it will be all about changing her to suit you. (Even if that's how it always plays out in Lit stories...)

 

[SunDevilGirl]

I think you did a pretty good job of expressing your emotions here. I'm not sure what your "devious" needs are but have you attempted them with her? You could suggest watching a movie with this subject. Or you could send her a story from here. Tell her it's something that excites you. It might be something she has never even thought of but could get very turned on by learning/trying something new AND by knowing that it excites you.

Also, I think that many people can appear to be traditional or conservative but can get very....sexually deviant.

 

[vidiman]

Thanks everyone.

The more I think about this and how it affects me and my life (relationships /work, -life!!)
I am seeing that the Alexithymia thing (and this is just a lable but a condition that does affect me) does cast a huge shadow over my life.

It is so much easier on here to just shout it out and let it be heard - this does not happen between me and my partner or my family.

I am learning about it - I have had counselling and read some good books and it has incredibly interesting. I know I can be expressive - I know I can do most thing - I also know that I have something that holds me back in certain situations!

Again thanks for all the input so far.

 

[Jasmine12345]

This maybe an old thread but this topic would never get old.

I might return for the “How to” later but I would first like to respond to your last post here.

.........It is so much easier on here to just shout it out and let it be heard - this does not happen between me and my partner or my family.........

I feel the same. I've thought about how little many people communicate at
a slightly deeper level beyond the daily routine operated by rules, customs etc. Even with individuals who are closest to---family, spouses or neighbors ....Do many people have a “heart to heart” talk with somebody once in a while ?

I know this is a big topic.

I agree with you “just shout it out”. This online site is a good place for expressing ones thoughts and feelings.