How to help my partner with extreme sensitivty post-orgasm?

[Homburg]

First post, going to jump right in.

I am currently involved with a lovely woman in her mid-30's, and have been for a number of months. She described herself as having great difficulty reaching orgasm, except when masturbating. I consider myself to be moderately skilled and have consistently been able to bring her to orgasm with vaginal intercourse, as well as cunnilingus. In point of fact, it has gotten a bit too easy to accomplish this feat.

Normally, this would not be a problem. Many men, and women, would be happier if the female orgasm were this easily obtainable. The problem lies in how sensitive she becomes immediately after orgasm. Sensitive to the point where she immediately has to stop me from moving. Any further action on my part causes overwhelming sensation, and she basically overloads. She remains hyper sensitive for quite some time after this, far eclipsing my ability to maintain arousal.

Continuing on, she maintains heightened sensitivity for a number of hours afterwards, meaning that I am forced to wait quite some time for second, and subsequent, bouts, and that I am likewised conjoined against vigorous movement so as to keep sensation to an acceptable level.

When explaining that she rarely reached orgasm, she also explained that she has only ever been able to orgasm once in a given night. Due to persistence on my part, I have disproven this as readily as I disproved her idea that she was not generaly capable of orgasm from vaginal intercourse. I consider this prgoess towards correcting this situation, but it is still troublesome. Having, say three orgasms, in a nine hour block of lovemaking is not what I would define as multi-orgasmic, and it does nothing to assist with my own situation.

My situation? Ah, glad you asked. I don't orgasm quickly or easily. The average length of a short session for me is around 25-30 minutes. I have gotten to the point where I can bring about her orgasm in 10-15 minutes. More correctly, she can no longer stop the orgasm around that point, even when I use brinking technique, or refuse permission (we are involved in a BDSM relationship, and exercise orgasm control). So 10-15 minutes into my 25-30 minimum, and she is incapable of further sexual congress.

Once we've rolled into the third session of the night, her nervous system is too worn out to allow a quick orgasm, giving me a greater chance of achieving it myself, but she is so blasted sore and tired by then, that it is no longer all that enjoyable.

So, in short, what should I do? How can I help her accept or reduce that over-sensitivity? I get a lot of emotional satisfaction from bringing her to the extremely powerful orgasms that she enjoys, but I would like to be able to come myself, and this is simply not happening anywhere near as often as I'd like.

Any advice? And I would ask that the gist of the advice be aimed at helping her, not me. My inability to come quickly is not usually an issue. In fact, you might call it an asset. It is just a liability in this particular instance. My other submissive is QUITE happy with how long I last, and I have no desire to modify that.

Thanks in advance.

 

[M's girl]

I don't know.... I never understood this multiple orgasm thing. Once I have had 'my' orgasm I'm very sensitive too and wish not to be touched there for at least a few minutes. M is the same so he understands that feeling. After a few minutes I'm kind of fine but a second orgasm is NOT just around the corner! It has happened a few times where I was able to, but in my case a first orgasm (as is often claimed by other women) is not the gateway to a string of follow-up orgasms.

The times I had a second one I can honestly say that at least 20 - 30 minutes were between them and that was on the occasional good day (or night).

Oh, and I don't want to be a party pooper but do you know for sure she has those orgasms all the time while she said she almost never had them with other men? It could be that you are pushing and wanting it too much and she feels almost pressured into faking them?

 

[SweetErika]

You may very well not be able to do anything about her, if this is just the way her body works.

Are you using the "brinking technique," or getting right to the edge, on yourself via other types of stimulation (maybe several times) before you have sex with her?

It seems very odd that she gets too tired and sore when she's had several hours in between sessions. That is, unless you're being rough/she's not ready and/or lubed the first time you do it. Are you using a good, super-slick lube (like silicone), even if you think she doesn't need it every time? If you're using condoms, she may need lube regardless of how wet she is, and have you tried switching to poly condoms (a mild latex allergy can make one irritated/sore)?

If all else fails, you could have her bring you to orgasm another way after she's had hers, couldn't you?

 

[Homburg]

I don't know.... I never understood this multiple orgasm thing. Once I have had 'my' orgasm I'm very sensitive too and wish not to be touched there for at least a few minutes. M is the same so he understands that feeling. After a few minutes I'm kind of fine but a second orgasm is NOT just around the corner! It has happened a few times where I was able to, but in my case a first orgasm (as is often claimed by other women) is not the gateway to a string of follow-up orgasms.

*shrug* My other submissive (my wife) is multi-orgasmic. Quite so, actually. She used to be sensitive afterwards too, but we just sort of got her used to it by small movements afterwards. With this lady, that doesn't seem to want to work, as even small movements set her off badly.

Oh, and I don't want to be a party pooper but do you know for sure she has those orgasms all the time while she said she almost never had them with other men? It could be that you are pushing and wanting it too much and she feels almost pressured into faking them?

If she is faking, she is an actress worthy of an Oscar. Her pupils dilate, heart rate sky-rockets, her vaginal walls convulse strongly, etc. My wife was the same way before she met me. She'd never orgasmed from vaginal intercourse.

As an aside, I'm not bragging on my abilities, as I am of the considered opinion that all it takes to please a woman is consideration, patience, and willingness to observe and learn what gives her pleasure. It's not that difficult, and anyone with the aforementioned skills can do it.

Patience is probably the most difficult thing for most men. An example of this is foreplay. It amazes me that most guys will just jump right by foreplay, given half a chance. Personally, I couldn't imagine doing that. We both need to be properly warmed up before either one of us can truly enjoy what is going to happen.

 

[Homburg]

You may very well not be able to do anything about her, if this is just the way her body works.

I'm hoping that she can be desensitised. I am generally of the opinion that where there is a will, there is a way. My wife was not multi-orgasmic when we met, and we made it our goal to get her there. It took some time, but we attained that goal. This is just a new problem for me, and this lady is not responding to the methods I've used in the past.

Are you using the "brinking technique," or getting right to the edge, on yourself via other types of stimulation (maybe several times) before you have sex with her?

We've done it once, not multiple times. That might be a good option. though, as I said, I prefer to concentrate on her, as I still need to be able to satisfy my other sub (and, before anyone asks, they both know, and are good friends with each other). Still, brinking myself multiple times might be a good way to wind me up properly and not tire her out. Just not sure how to brink myself multiple times without tiring her out, or wearing out the skin on my penis.

It seems very odd that she gets too tired and sore when she's had several hours in between sessions. That is, unless you're being rough/she's not ready and/or lubed the first time you do it. Are you using a good, super-slick lube (like silicone), even if you think she doesn't need it every time? If you're using condoms, she may need lube regardless of how wet she is, and have you tried switching to poly condoms (a mild latex allergy can make one irritated/sore)?

Sore, in this case, does not indicate vaginal soreness so much as hips, back, etc. I am not a small man (5'11", 258#, weightlifter), and she does not like it gentle. Skin soreness in the vaginal area only happens occassionally, and that is if we go too long. I've learned what that point is, and tend to stop voluntarily before then.

She usually has trouble walking after the third time in a given night.

If all else fails, you could have her bring you to orgasm another way after she's had hers, couldn't you?

Not easily. It is rather difficult for me to achieve orgasm via other methods. Essentially, I have a mild form of Retarded Ejaculation. It's the kindest of the erectile dysfunctions (in many ways), but the least treatable.

A friend: "Wait, lemme get this straight, you can get an erection and have sex for two hours?"
Me: "Longer sometimes, and it's really aggravating"
A friend: "I fail to see the problem..."

From an actual conversation I had with a friend.

 

[M's girl]

If she is faking, she is an actress worthy of an Oscar. Her pupils dilate, heart rate sky-rockets, her vaginal walls convulse strongly, etc.

I'm not saying you are bragging. I'm just sayin that I would certainly suck at being an actress but on the other hand would be worthy of an Oscar myself where faking orgasms are concerned.... and... like many (!!) other women would be, trust me. It's not hard to do. Once you know what your body does while having an orgasm it's not hard at all to reproduce that, really. We can control our breath in a way so our heartbeat goes up, we can contract our vaginal walls whenever and wherever you like and are masters at sighing, moaning and screaming to please you.

Ever watch porn? I rest my case.

 

[Guest]

hard to describe but...

It is perhaps in the "kind" of orgasm she is getting. Of course each woman is a different kind of flower, but here is my 2c.

Delaying orgasm for ages (trademark of a good Dom ) can cause such overwhelming orgasms that it is not easy to continue afterwards. Try to aim for a "little" orgasm, achieved with less stimulation and less delay. Then build up from there.

It is not easy in the beginning, there is always the occasional missed orgasm which is a pretty bad sensation, and it can take a long while.

Another piece of advice that I'd give and have heard a lot, it might be easier for her to teach *herself* to be multi. Under your guidance, but without your help. Your overwhelming presence can make it impossible for her to achieve the little ones.

As to inspiration on multiples and prolonging arousal, another avenue to be tried can be tantra. I remember a few books that gave me the initial ideas on what to try, such as Soul Sex, by Al Copeland and his mate.

hope this made any sense,

Maharat

 

[Homburg]

I'm not saying you are bragging. I'm just sayin that I would certainly suck at being an actress but on the other hand would be worthy of an Oscar myself where faking orgasms are concerned.... and... like many (!!) other women would be, trust me. It's not hard to do. Once you know what your body does while having an orgasm it's not hard at all to reproduce that, really. We can control our breath in a way so our heartbeat goes up, we can contract our vaginal walls whenever and wherever you like and are masters at sighing, moaning and screaming to please you.

Ever watch porn? I rest my case.

You can voluntarily dilate your pupils? You can gush just by deciding to? If so, you are one hell of an actress.

Overall, it makes no sense. Why do such a thing? She doesn't live with me. We don't have a consistent meeting date. We meet generally when she needs me around, be it for sex, support, company, etc. She chooses to have sex. Why fake an orgasm to end sexual congress when she can, and has, simply asked me to stop when she was sore, tired, etc? Why go through the effort? When she needs to stop, I stop. I don't gripe, I don't whine. I just stop and immediately see to her safety and comfort. That is my responsibility as a considerate Dom.

And doing it to please me? Doesn't track. If her motivation was to please me, you'd think she would wait the little while that it would take for me to achieve orgasm. But, sure, she's lying to me, and faking orgasms to stop sex, even when it leaves her in tears, feeling miserable, and moping for an hour because she's "not any good in bed". It makes more sense to think that she's just emotionally unstable and faking orgasms than to think that taking time, consideration, and care could cause her to orgasm from sexual stimulation. Yeah, your idea makes much more sense... =P

EDIT: That was a bit mor eharsh than I intended. I'm not flaming, just arguing.

 

[Homburg]

It is perhaps in the "kind" of orgasm she is getting. Of course each woman is a different kind of flower, but here is my 2c.

Delaying orgasm for ages (trademark of a good Dom ) can cause such overwhelming orgasms that it is not easy to continue afterwards. Try to aim for a "little" orgasm, achieved with less stimulation and less delay. Then build up from there.

This is more or less what is going on. "v" has lots of little orgasms, and only has the really mind-blowing ones in certain circumstances (cunnilingus, after really long sessions of orgasm denial, and anal sex under the right conditions)

Another piece of advice that I'd give and have heard a lot, it might be easier for her to teach *herself* to be multi. Under your guidance, but without your help. Your overwhelming presence can make it impossible for her to achieve the little ones.

Hmm, that may be it, though your "overwhelming presence" comment gave me a laugh =) She does have significantly, well, smaller (for lack of a better word) orgasms when she masturbates. That may be a way to introduce the concept.

As to inspiration on multiples and prolonging arousal, another avenue to be tried can be tantra. I remember a few books that gave me the initial ideas on what to try, such as Soul Sex, by Al Copeland and his mate.

hope this made any sense,

Maharat

It made great sense, thank you.

 

[somberReality]

Wow, i have no idea what to tell you about that. Sounds like it's an uncomfortable situation in many aspects.

I feel really lucky as a woman. I can have multiple orgasms, as in back to back to back and can continue as such (if spots are "hit" of course") till whomever i am with is "finished." So for me to read a woman can only have one orgasm and wait or one is the max makes me feel bad for them. (No offense, just my feelings on that.)

 

[Homburg]

Wow, i have no idea what to tell you about that. Sounds like it's an uncomfortable situation in many aspects.

I feel really lucky as a woman. I can have multiple orgasms, as in back to back to back and can continue as such (if spots are "hit" of course") till whomever i am with is "finished." So for me to read a woman can only have one orgasm and wait or one is the max makes me feel bad for them. (No offense, just my feelings on that.)

None taken. As I said, "v" is multi-orgasmic, and she feels bad about it just as you do. She honestly feels bad that "w" isn't capable of the same sort of repetition that she's capable of. Hell, I feel bad, and that's why I'm asking here, to see if anyone has had experience in overcoming such serious post-orgasm sensitivity. "v" had it when we started, but it was nowhere near this bad.

Thankfully, there have been some great posts here, and it has given me a few ideas =)

 

[M's girl]

You can voluntarily dilate your pupils? You can gush just by deciding to? If so, you are one hell of an actress.

Well, I don't do those two even when I do orgasm so....

Overall, it makes no sense. Why do such a thing? She doesn't live with me. We don't have a consistent meeting date. We meet generally when she needs me around, be it for sex, support, company, etc. She chooses to have sex. Why fake an orgasm to end sexual congress when she can, and has, simply asked me to stop when she was sore, tired, etc? Why go through the effort? When she needs to stop, I stop. I don't gripe, I don't whine. I just stop and immediately see to her safety and comfort. That is my responsibility as a considerate Dom.

I hear you but I'm not saying it is the case with you. I was also just arguing too. There are just so many men out there who are so certain they would notice or know and I'm saying that's not so. Even the gushing is NOT connected to having an orgasm although if it happens it's usually at the same time (same as ejaculation with men). I do get plenty wet even when I'm just a little aroused so that does not say a lot either.

Now.. I'm not bragging here about how good I am at faking. Oh how I wish there had never been the need to do that but unfortunately I have had more bad lovers than good ones that knew what they were doing or even cared... I can tell you I have become very good at this little performance that has saved me from humiliation, sexual neglect and being laughed upon. I'm not kidding.. men who are lousy in bed (I have found) are usually very good at somehow turning things around.

Oh well.... maybe it's besides the point here. I'm sorry.

 

[Homburg]

Well, I don't do those two even when I do orgasm so....


I hear you but I'm not saying it is the case with you. I was also just arguing too. There are just so many men out there who are so certain they would notice or know and I'm saying that's not so. Even the gushing is NOT connected to having an orgasm although if it happens it's usually at the same time (same as ejaculation with men). I do get plenty wet even when I'm just a little aroused so that does not say a lot either.

Yup, pupil dilation. The gushing isn't squirting, but is a marked, and sudden, increase in wetness concurrent with orgasm.

Now.. I'm not bragging here about how good I am at faking. Oh how I wish there had never been the need to do that but unfortunately I have had more bad lovers than good ones that knew what they were doing or even cared... I can tell you I have become very good at this little performance that has saved me from humiliation, sexual neglect and being laughed upon. I'm not kidding.. men who are lousy in bed (I have found) are usually very good at somehow turning things around.

Oh well.... maybe it's besides the point here. I'm sorry.

Honestly, I hate the idea of faked orgasms. I'd rather know, and thus modify what I was doing. That's all part of the learning process. Maybe it's the Dom in me, but communication is utterly central to a healthy sexual relationship. If I do not know what your (used generically) needs and desires are, I cannot provide them. If I cannot provide for thos eneeds and desire, you will not be satisfied. If you are not satisfied, then I am not satisfied. Plain and simple.

I am sorry to hear that you have had to do that. To be frank, the more I learn about how most men ar ein bed, I'm not surprised why so many women are unhappy with my side of the species. "w" has had a string of miserable relationships, and it flat infuriates me to hear what has happened to her, and to female friends, to my wife before she met me. There's a lot of shitbags out there.

I'm honestly not trying to turn this on her. I realise that I have an issue as well. I just can't do anything abot my half of the problem without upsetting the other woman in my life. This produces a delicate balancing act (much like the rest of my life right now). I want to try to work on this as much for her enjoyment as mine. Hell, I'm okay with not coming. It's not abnormal for me. She doesn't like it though, and feels like she's failing me. Drives me crazy....

That said, I did decide to try working on my end yesterday. I spent all day winding "v" up (and this got me wound up too, of course). She was exhausted at the end of it, and randy as hell. I had her brink me orally a couple of times (she has the stamina for this, as she is far more used to me), and then we had intercourse. I lasted nowhere near as long. She didn't mind because I'd spent all day teasing her (she accompanied me on a 6+ hour road trip for business purposes and I spent at least half of it working on her with voice and fingers), and she was happy for the release at the end. Interesting experiment, though not one I plan to recreate with "v" again. I'ts much more fun to do it the normal way with her, as the length of time is much less an issue. With "w", however, it may be just the ticket.

My thanks to SweetErika for suggesting it.

 

[M's girl]

I hear you, honestly but you also have to realize no two women are the same (no two men are the same either). So there are no "so called signs" that you can tick off your list to make sure she had an orgasm. It's simple as that.

 

[Homburg]

I hear you, honestly but you also have to realize no two women are the same (no two men are the same either). So there are no "so called signs" that you can tick off your list to make sure she had an orgasm. It's simple as that.

And? Did you miss the part where I talked about learning what it takes to please a given woman? That says that I think all women are the same? Are you arguing with things I said, or with things that you think I said? Or does the consistent derailing just give you a thrill?

Actually, yes, there are signs of orgasm that are basically consistent. Show me a woman that can have an orgasm without increased heart rate. Does that mean an orgasm for sure? No, but it is still a consistent sign basically across the board.

 

[M's girl]

Yup, pupil dilation. The gushing isn't squirting, but is a marked, and sudden, increase in wetness concurrent with orgasm.

Are YOU listening to what I say? I just said that pupil dilation and noticable increased wetness are not signs per se, at least they are not with me THUS it is no given sign that a (any) woman has an orgasm when this occurs or does not have one when it does not.

And I did not miss the part about learning, there are just not enough men who are truely willing to learn. They say they are but they don't, I have found that most of them gave up after one lousy try.

I am not trying to argue with you. I'm arguing as in mentioning my opinion and my experience. Four posts ago I already said it was probably besides the point anyway and said I was sorry. You did a good job yourself keeping the thread off track you know?

 

[Homburg]

Are YOU listening to what I say? I just said that pupil dilation and noticable increased wetness are not signs per se, at least they are not with me THUS it is no given sign that a (any) woman has an orgasm when this occurs or does not have one when it does not.

I made the point that these were signs with *her*. And that at least one of them was entirely autonomic. And, yes, they are signs, perhaps not with you, but they are signs for other women. As you said yourself, you're each different.

And I did not miss the part about learning, there are just not enough men who are truely willing to learn. They say they are but they don't, I have found that most of them gave up after one lousy try.

Yup, most of us men suck. It depresses me, as I have two daughters, and I think about how likely it is that they will run into the same sort of losers that so many women in my life have run into. All I can really do is try to make sure that they know how to spot losers, and to be fucking picky as a result. That and make sure that my two sons are conscientious, and aren't losers themselves. No bloody clue how I'm going to do that, but I figure I'll try.

I am not trying to argue with you. I'm arguing as in mentioning my opinion and my experience. Four posts ago I already said it was probably besides the point anyway and said I was sorry. You did a good job yourself keeping the thread off track you know?

I was *ahem* hoping you wouldn't notice that

 

[M's girl]

Yup, most of us men suck. It depresses me, as I have two daughters, and I think about how likely it is that they will run into the same sort of losers that so many women in my life have run into. All I can really do is try to make sure that they know how to spot losers, and to be fucking picky as a result. That and make sure that my two sons are conscientious, and aren't losers themselves. No bloody clue how I'm going to do that, but I figure I'll try.

It's going to be tough, I'll tell you. I have no children myself, but M does, so I sort of have them too, after all.... They are young boys and we sometimes talk about what we are going to tell them when the questions start and how and what we are going to tell them when they don't.

Because of my experience with men I so hope I can help in making them the exceptions to the rule, where they turn out to be sensitive, listening and caring young men. With the eldest (oldest?) I'm not too afraid we can do some good, but the youngest likes everything his way and knows better always already. I fear for him ... I must admit.

There is this quote from Jerry Seinfeld:

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there is a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked". ​

It's funny perhaps. But it's also very true. Or as far as I am concened and as far as I know.

 

[Homburg]

My oldest son is already a sensitive kid. He's kind of a wimp actually. But I think it's the age he's at. Either way, he's a smart kid, and very affectionate. Who knows how it will change when he gets older though. The youngest one is just a toddler, but he's a little two legged Mack truck barrelling through life like an armoured battallion. I think I'm better off just making sure he's there to beat the hell out of any boy that messes with one of his sisters