How to.... Have a wedding?

[KarennaC]

Yep... I'm engaged My boyfriend proposed to me Wednesday night. I'm absolutely thrilled; after the rough spot we had a few months back, we worked hard on our relationship and brought things to the point where we both feel this is the right move.

I have been married before, but I didn't have much of a wedding then. A notary public, in a photography studio, with only our parents in attendance; I wore the same dress I'd worn for my college graduation, and our parents took us out to dinner afterward, before we went back to our apartment. It didn't really feel all that special, and we didn't really celebrate it.

So I want something more special this time. It's my boyf-- er, fiance's first marriage, so I'd like it to be special for him, but also for myself and my daughters, since we plan to make them part of the ceremony. We're planning a fairly small ceremony, family only, with a larger reception including extended family and friends afterward, and we'll use a justice of the peace since my fiance doesn't observe any religion and doesn't like the thought of having even a nondenominational minister.

Other than that, I'm at a loss... Any suggestions on how to make this a truly special day? I'd especially be interested in hearing from anyone who's had a wedding in which you've included your children, because I want to let my kids feel a part of this without going overboard about it.

 

[silverwhisper]

karenna, i'm afraid i don't have any ideas, but i wanted to say congratulations--i'm thrilled to hear this!

ed

 

[emap]

Look for a wedding chapel. Not a church, a wedding chapel, far as I know they do the ceremony how you want and use a justice of the peace not a preist. They also tend to have a small space for your own witnesses.

They may have a wedding planner there to help you decide on everything there and what everyone does. If no ask anyone that works there, they see weddings daily and I'm sure they know everything there is to know about a wedding, conventional and so off the wall you would think they made it up.

 

[KarennaC]

Silver, thanks!

Emap, that's a good idea. Thank you for the suggestion

 

[vrosej10]

Yep... I'm engaged My boyfriend proposed to me Wednesday night. I'm absolutely thrilled; after the rough spot we had a few months back, we worked hard on our relationship and brought things to the point where we both feel this is the right move.

I have been married before, but I didn't have much of a wedding then. A notary public, in a photography studio, with only our parents in attendance; I wore the same dress I'd worn for my college graduation, and our parents took us out to dinner afterward, before we went back to our apartment. It didn't really feel all that special, and we didn't really celebrate it.

So I want something more special this time. It's my boyf-- er, fiance's first marriage, so I'd like it to be special for him, but also for myself and my daughters, since we plan to make them part of the ceremony. We're planning a fairly small ceremony, family only, with a larger reception including extended family and friends afterward, and we'll use a justice of the peace since my fiance doesn't observe any religion and doesn't like the thought of having even a nondenominational minister.

Other than that, I'm at a loss... Any suggestions on how to make this a truly special day? I'd especially be interested in hearing from anyone who's had a wedding in which you've included your children, because I want to let my kids feel a part of this without going overboard about it.

We had an outdoor wedding and it was lovely. We had a celebrant at a local botantical garden. Outdoor works really well for kid because they can play and muck up a bit during the ceremony and not bother anyone particularly. I have attached a photo and as you can see, my son spent the whole ceremony with his face in my dress. He was four and he is autistic and had no idea what was going on, except that it was scary. Finger food at the reception is really good for the little ones. We had cupcakes instead of a wedding cake, iced to match my bouquet colours. It was cheap too. We had a morning tea as a wedding breakfast and we all went out as a group afterwards and went dutch for the reception in place of much in the way of gifts. We also had the guests take photos instead of a photographer. We got some lovely stuff.

 

[KarennaC]

That sounds nice. We're planning something outdoors as well; we live near the ocean, so want to have it somewhere along the shore in our town. My children are older, 14 and 11, so I don't have to worry about them mucking, though my 11-year-old does have Asperger's, so I want to be sure she has somewhere she can get away, especially during the reception, because crowds tend to overwhelm her.

I like your ideas for keeping costs down. And nice picture!

 

[fire_breeze]

Congratulations! You must be thrilled! Much luck, happiness and blessings to you both.

I just talked to a friend of mine, who's a wedding organiser, and she gave some of her thoughts on how to make a wedding more intimate. She does specialise in low-cost weddings (though not necessarily low-people), however, so some of those ideas will have an economical bent.

~ Keep the guest list down. Apparently, this is the biggest make-or-break of making a wedding something personal and something of a show. What she suggested is two receptions, one after the wedding with your family and intimate friends only and another later with all your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. The second reception could even be at your home, a type of open house, where people drop in, congratulate you, chat, and then a pre-determined time, or when most of your friends are there, you can have a toast.

~ Involve your kids AND your fiancé in the planning. According to her, some brides are so intent on making this the 'perfect' day that they turn into such dictators that they'd scare Stalin. Give your kids some small tasks, according to their ability, whether or not they pick out the bouquet (or pick the flowers), decorate the cupcakes (if possible), make the name tags, make origami, whatever. She also suggests that your fiancé should be encouraged in actively participate in the planning, and not necessarily in helping to decide the cake and whether or not the tablecloth is periwinkle blue or light lavender. Ask him to book the entertainment, or arrange for the caterer, or reserve the photographer or whatnot. As she said, it's your day - your in the plural sense - a celebration of your love and commitment for each other.

~ She suggested that in lieu of gifts, you can call upon the talents of your guests. This could also save you money, if that's a concern. Do you have an aunt who's a baker? She could make the cake/cupcakes. Are there several cooks? Ask one to be in charge, gather the rest and have them make the meal (in this case, buffet-style are the best. Everyone will find something they like). How about an avid photographer? Someone who is good at graphics to make cards? A scrapbooker who can record the day in something creative? You involve the whole family in your special day, pay for only the materials, they don't have to buy you a gift but rather they make something that you'll truly cherish, receive something original and unique, and more importantly, make the entire experience memorable.

~ Don't plan every small detail. Or if you do, be prepared that something will always go awry. This is in connection with Nazi-brides, who freak out if the ring-bearer's hair is parted the wrong way. Just laugh it off.

That's all she could think of at the moment, but if she thinks of something more, she'll let me know. I hope these helped. Good luck and more importantly have fun!

 

[KarennaC]

Fire_Breeze, thanks for the tips!

It's interesting that your friend mentioned having 2 receptions. A friend of ours, at whose house we met, offered to have a "barbecue reception" for us. My fiance would prefer not, at least not on the wedding day, because it would mean traveling 45 minutes from our town (where we plan to have the ceremony) to her town. It would also mean mingling our families with friends we know from an online chat group, which is a sketchy proposition. So I'd thought today that it might be a good idea to have a reception here in town for the family and a few friends, and then if she's still willing, take her offer for a reception for our chat friends. (His coworkers are nearly all family members, and I don't work, so coworkers aren't an issue.)

I've been the one coming up with most of the ideas so far, but I ask my fiance what he thinks, and I listen to his suggestions. We're giving my kids input as well, though so far the only things my younger daughter has said is that she wants a pretty dress, and she wants fake flowers so she can keep them afterward. (I told her my bouquet would be real, but we'd give her a bouquet of fake flowers to carry if she wants.) I don't know what if anything we're doing about catering, entertainment, etc. Not only have I never planned a wedding before, but I've only been to one or two, so I don't really know what's involved in a reception. So I might have to ask him to take care of that, though I'm thinking a DJ for the entertainment, as there are some songs that he says makes him think of me and my daughters, so I think we'd both want those played.

We do want to keep costs down as much as possible, so I like the suggestions on how to do that. I don't know if anyone in his family have talents like the ones mentioned; my family is only my parents, neither of whom would be able to help in any of those areas. But I can ask around his family about some things. I do like the idea of having a buffet reception; I'm not much for formal sit-down things, to be honest.

I'm used to things going awry, and I have an odd sense of humor, so not much will bother me. As long as everyone has fun and my fiance and I are married at the end of it, it's all good.

 

[coastal-boy]

the key to any wedding is making it your own. Don't let the family get too involved in the planning if that isn't what you want. And also remember, the more elaborate it gets, the more likely something will happen the day of. Just let it bounce off because all that matters is what you see as you look into his eyes and say your vows.

 

[unregistered]

 

[fire_breeze]

Fire_Breeze, thanks for the tips!

It's interesting that your friend mentioned having 2 receptions. A friend of ours, at whose house we met, offered to have a "barbecue reception" for us. My fiance would prefer not, at least not on the wedding day, because it would mean traveling 45 minutes from our town (where we plan to have the ceremony) to her town. It would also mean mingling our families with friends we know from an online chat group, which is a sketchy proposition. So I'd thought today that it might be a good idea to have a reception here in town for the family and a few friends, and then if she's still willing, take her offer for a reception for our chat friends. (His coworkers are nearly all family members, and I don't work, so coworkers aren't an issue.)

My pleasure!

You could even twist it this way with your friend - by having a separate reception AFTER the wedding day would mean you can actually focus on the day and even help out.

<snip>
Not only have I never planned a wedding before, but I've only been to one or two, so I don't really know what's involved in a reception. So I might have to ask him to take care of that, though I'm thinking a DJ for the entertainment, as there are some songs that he says makes him think of me and my daughters, so I think we'd both want those played.

I've never been really married (long story), so I don't have any personal experiences in wedding receptions, except for the ones that I have attended. However, I have helped a lot in planning and organising receptions in general (baptisms, funerals, anniversaries, so forth) when my friends hook me in to help (read, bribe) - the joys of having many friends in the catering/service industry . The key is to keep it simple: make sure you have a place to hold it, tables and chairs for everyone, and the decorations clean (tea lights in coloured bowls are very pretty and elegant and cost next to nothing). Have a detailed plan on what to do when and who's going to do it. If you're having a caterer give the number as 15% more people. If you plan to provide the food yourself, have a simple menu. Depending on how many people you're expecting, plan for something along the lines of several types of salads, finger food, tea sandwiches, hors d'oeuvre etc etc. and simple dessert.

Most DJs prefer if you give them a request list - it helps them tailor their play list.

I apologise for the mini-hijack.

If you want some more tips on receptions and keeping it low cost, let me know and I'll gladly cull my friends' experiences.

And have fun!

 

[emap]

Caterers are easy, look in the paper/yellowpages/google for a caterer call them up and ask for a price range on the size of a reception you are planning. Most will I assume have theme menu's where you can pick whichever you like and go with that and of course alter if say you hate pork you can have them use chicken or beef instead usually for not much more if any.

Dj's are the same way, all it takes is a few phone calls to find one you like and who is actually free for the time you want on the day you want. There won't be any money involved, even the partial payments that many like can be done later, usually no later than 2 weeks before the marriage.

Planning a marriage is easy so long as you relax, and be patient.

Though a timetable is a good idea, and never ever ever get your dress on the day of the wedding, it will be to small or to big or not fully stitched. On occassion it is the wrong color. Always order the dress if you don't have one laying around at least 6 months before the wedding, and get it slightly oversized, peopel stress huge when doing a wedding and tend to eat to compensate.

 

[CherryBomb24]

the absolute best part of a wedding, the thing that makes it truely special.
Is the look on his face as you walk down. The look of "oh my god she really loves me and this is really happening." You'll know it when you see it I use to sneak into weddings when i was growing up just to see that look and the smiles on their faces.
Its refreshing to feel a part of it, even if you werent invited and didnt know anyone. lol
Cherrish the moment, even if its not all you wanted it to be. Its special reguardless because you know he truely loves you.
Congrats and I wish you luck.

 

[KarennaC]

Coastal, his mother and sister will likely help me with some of it, but I get along very well with them and know that they'll only help with what I ask them to help with. Along the same lines, my fiance's uncle is a member of one of the yacht clubs here in town, and so we might ask him to help us secure space there for the ceremony and reception.

Thanks, Jtohis Low key is where we're going too, but low key with a celebration that family and select friends can attend because he wants his family there, and some of my friends are like family to me.

Firebreeze, that's a good point. This particular friend hosts barbecues at her house throughout the spring and summer, and into the fall, and she wants our "reception" to be her season kick-off next spring, so it would be better to have it as something separate, just for the chat people, and I'd be able to help set some of it up if I didn't have to focus on anything else. For the table decorations, you gave me a great idea; I know how to make candles, and if I can find enough materials and stuff to do it, I could make candles to set on the tables and let people take them home afterward. (Could do the same if I bought tea lights and small containers for them, actually.) It's tradition to have wedding favors or something for the guests to take home, isn't it?

We have to figure out who we're inviting first, I guess, before we decide whether to have it catered or rope family and friends into cooking. I think a couple of my less-close friends do catering, so might be able to get them at a discount if I ask nicely, but I don't really know if we want the expense of catering at all. That's something else I'll have to ask my fiance about. I've already started making a request list for the DJ My fiance needs to contribute, though; he's a West Coast Swing dancer/instructor (though he hasn't instructed since before he met me), and I think he'll want some music along that line so he can show off lol

emap, I've been using Google and the online yellow pages (I live just outside Boston; the phone book yellow pages are bigger than the entire phone book where I used to live, and they scare me, lol), though I haven't started looking at caterers yet; as I said above, I don't know if we want to use one. It'll depend on the cost and on how many people we plan to host at the reception. I do have a vague timetable in mind, and I'm trying to firm that up now that we actually have a date (he proposed to me on Wednesday; I didn't get him to help me choose a date until just before I went to bed Friday, and I was sidelined much of yesterday with a migraine, so I haven't had a chance to start my infamous lists). For a dress, I'm torn between getting an actual wedding dress, which I'd never wear again but could pass down to my daughters, or getting a simple white dress that I'd be able to wear to other occasions afterward. Simple seems better to me, and that's what my fiance said he'd prefer, but he did say the dress is completely up to me since I"m the one who'll be wearing it.

Cherry, I can't wait to see that look. My ex-husband didn't have it; he looked queasy and like he wished he could be anywhere but there. I probably should have taken that as a sign for how the marriage would go. lol. Thank you

 

[emap]

Well figure out how many you want to come add about 10 to the number and then talk to a caterer and see what they would charge. Ask about how much food is set for each person as well, some caterers do one piece per person of each thingy and some do a total pieces to match your number in attendance. If they do one piece of everything per person besides the hor'duerves or however you spell that you can drop the number by 5 and have leftovers. Usually they will let you keep those I think, depends on the caterer, some use that to feed the staff.

Personally, I would say go with the wedding dress, but well it's your wedding. Just keep in mind there will be pictures aplenty of you in it so choose carefully so you won't look at your wedding pictures in 10 years and go oh my god I wore that. Course most of the simpler wedding dresses are simply a regular slip dress with a shawl or jacket over it so you can go to the store buy a slip dress and a nice jacket to wear over it and bam you got a wedding dress that you can wear for a while for cheap.

 

[cromsgirl]

Depending on what time of day you are having the wedding can change your prices. We had a mid afternoon wedding and had just a buffet of finger snacks instead of a sit down meal, most of which we made so it cost next to nothing. I also got some ideas from a book that was something like "Great wedding ideas for under $5000". My whole wedding cost less that $1500 (excluding the photographer, my in-laws paid for that since they wanted it, we were just going to have people use disposable cameras). We had it in their back yard, I made my dress, and we only had one attendant each ( and I made my bride's maid dress too). A major money saver was deciding not to have alcohol at the reception. We bought a couple of bottles of Asti for the toast and that was it. I'm not sure what the stores are like in your area, but we got our cake from Kroger and it was only $80. It was beautiful, the only problem was that it had to be plain white cake with no fillings. I thought this was fair, since the caterer's cakes started at $300. Hope some of this helps and Congratulations!

 

[KarennaC]

emap, that's a good plan. I'll talk to my fiance and see if I can get him to give me some idea of how many- or at least who- he'd like at the reception. Right now I'm trying to get him to understand that yes, we do have 6 months, but some things like caterers, location, JP, etc. have to be reserved well in advance. (He also said yesterday, "I've done my part of the planning. I'm planning to wear a suit." lol.) So I might have trouble getting him to sit still long enough to help me get some idea of numbers at the reception, but I'll do what I can and I'll warn him that if he doesn't want to help me, he'll have to deal with whoever I invite.

A wedding dress... We're having a very small, low-key ceremony, and this is my second marriage, so I don't feel right about having anything really fancy. Or expensive; we are trying to keep the costs well down, especially since neither of us has credit cards so we'll be paying it all in cash and therefore have to save up for it. At my first wedding, I wore the same dress I'd worn for college graduation, a pink dress with flowers, so anything white that I buy especially for this wedding will be an improvement, and will be special enough for me. I'm low-maintenance. lol. (Though I did find a gorgeous dress at a church thrift shop yesterday, and I left my name and number for them to call and let me know how much they want for it in case I do decide to go fancy.)

Cromsgirl, our wedding will probably be midday or early afternoon (so my fiance will be awake enough; he is SO not a morning person...), and I'm thinking a simple buffet will be the way to go for food, especially knowing some of the kids who'll be at the reception. It'll be easier if they can eat at will and sit down when they want to, rather than expecting them to sit down all at the same time as everyone else for a special meal. I can't sew to save my life, so making dresses isn't an option for me, but there are plenty of clothing resale shops where we might find something. I think the plan is for my daughters to be our only attendants in the ceremony, and we've decided that they don't have to have matching dresses as long as there's some color in the dresses that matches. (For example, each dress has a white floral pattern, or they each wear a white sash, or something.)

I said yesterday that my parents don't have any talents they could contribute, but then I realized that my father is actually a very good photographer; he uses a digital camera and improves the pics with a photo program before he prints them on photo paper. So I could probably get him to do the photography, though someone else would have to take the pics with him in them, obviously.

I'm allergic to alcohol, to the point where I can't even take some cough medicines, so we'll be toasting each other with sparkling cider or something along those lines. Depending on the rules where we have the reception, and given that we're allowing kids there and want to discourage drinking and driving, it'll either be BYOB or completely alcohol-free.

One of my chat room friends makes wedding cakes and has offered to send me photos and recommendations from others, and to give me a discount as long as she's invited (she's one who wouldn't generally be on the "select friend" list, only because I don't know her that well, but she is someone I'd trust around my family), so we may go that route. I'm a horrible cook but a pretty decent baker, and I have other friends who are amazing bakers, so that's a possibility for the cake as well.

Cromsgirl, thanks for the book suggestion; I'll look for that.