How to get over

[fallenhera]

i cant i was recently cheated on cause thats not for certain although I did find some naughty messages and pics from a girl in my bf's phone we live to gether and he claims he is sorry and it will never happen. But even though we have talked about it, how do i move on without thinking he is going to see her, or even someone new...was I not good enough what is it was he missing? It hurt real bad and i dont wanna tell him these thoughts are in my head, but they are eating me alive I cry all night.. and havent eaten in days. can anyone share stories? Send some light my way?

 

[meonline]

Sounds like a tough situation to be in.

You really need to talk to your boyfriend about it. Not only will keeping it to yourself be bad for your relationship, it will also be bad for your health in the longer term.

Just sit him down and tell him how you feel. You need to work out between you if you can trust him again. A relationship without trust will eventually break down anyway.

 

[fairyqueen]

Tallk to him

I can honestly say I've been in your shoes and it is a very difficult position to be in. You have to talk to him, you will feel better if you get everything off of your chest. Even if you have to be brutally honest. He has to know what his behavior has done to you. It will be a day to day struggle, he will have to work very hard to win back your trust. You both have to decide if you want to make your relationship work. If you need to talk I'm here for you. I know the pain you are going through and it helps to have someone to talk to that is outside of your situation.

 

[amofiga]

Situations involving cheating can be a double edged sword. They can force open discussion and self-evaluation for both parties that can lead to a stronger bond, or they can reveal weaknesses in the relationship that indicate that it is doomed. In either case, all you can do is go with the flow as they used to say and move on with your life. If it's the case where you both come out better people and your relationship is stronger, then try to put the cheating behind you and move on in a better environment. If it's the case where it becomes obvious that the relationship is toxic, then also, move on and believe in yourself knowing that you will find something better for you. I was fortunate enough to experience the former. Good luck either way.

 

[nicecthulhu]

I agree with the others; you have to discuss the situation with your bf.
The pictures and images may be innocent (unacted upon or unrequested) on his part or they may not be. I'm a guy and I know there are a lot of guys out there who struggle to remain monogamous and many who give in any time a girl smiles at them. One of my best friends in years gone by fooled around on his first two wives and only much later had deep regrets about the incidents, realizing he had lost something that he had badly undervalued. Currently there are three marriages in our neighbourhood ending because the husbands have been fooling around. My wife and I just shake our heads; all three wives are very nice people (single guys would refer to each of them as keepers) and there are kids in each family.
If he was fooling around on you, then the last thing you should be thinking is that you weren't good enough for him. Different people have different needs, irrelevant of love. It doesn't make one better or worse than the other, just different.
Don't get caught in the trap of thinking you should compromise who you are to keep your partner happy. It is one thing to experiment and try new things with your partner, but another to do things you don't want to do merely to keep him near you.
You say it hurt real bad, well yes I'm sure it does. But despite your feelings for him, you have to take care of yourself. If you need to, and if you're crying all night and haven't eaten for days - you need to, seek some professional help. It doesn't mean your crazy. It means your struggling with something that any normal person would struggle with and you need an expert to bounce your feelings off of and get some advice from.
As for loss of trust, no-one can tell you 100% that you can or cannot trust him. I'm sorry, but that's life. There are some people you just know deep down that they would stay true to you no matter what, but most people do feel temptations.
But you absolutely have to take care of yourself!
If your current relationship survives and thrives, then great! If it doesn't survive, then remember that there are a lot of jerks out there, but there are also a lot of nice guys.
Lastly, and I know I go on and on, since the two of you live together and you cry all night and haven't been eating I would suggest the two of you seek some counselling together. From a guy's perspective, I would think he would be eager for your healing to begin and complete so he feels less guilty and he should want to show you he's sincere in his dedication to you.
Remember, though, free advice is sometimes worth what you've paid for it.
Good luck!

 

[fallenhera]

thanks to all who replied! it was a tough night and I did talk to him. I appreciate everyones advice, thanks!

 

[infinity706]

Whether you agree with monogamy or not, it's good to remember that no person will ever be a perfect match for anyone and there will always be other fun and exciting people out there. It's more a matter of how much you'd be ok with your partner interacting with others. If you clamp down so hard that you expect them never to so much as flirt with another person again, good luck with keeping the spark alive, long term. When you're in a long term relationship with someone, the familiarity is going to take away some of the excitement, no matter who you are. Even if you aren't into swinging or anything, you could still roleplay each other's fantasies a little. I'm not saying get a boob job, but find out what he likes about this woman and if it's something you can easily undo like makeup, perfume, dying your hair, dressing a little slutty, talking filthy, or whatever, give him his night with this new woman. Of course, if she has bigger tits, you could always stuff your bra and keep it on when you ravish him and you could always wear a loose fitting shirt if she's flatter chested.

It might also be nice to let him keep the pictures to masturbate with, if nothing else. Of course, if you think she's hot, too, you could always look together.

Obviously, he should be willing to give a little back, when some man or woman gets your panties soaked.

 

[SweetErika]

I think of it this way: Your partner's behavior is your problem, but it's not your fault. He could have told you if he had unmet needs or wants, and he certainly could have told the other woman/women that he didn't want to receive such texts or pictures because he had a girlfriend. He could have told you if a woman sent naughty material on her own accord. On the extreme end, he could have broken up with you if he wanted to screw around with other women without your support.

So you have to ask yourself (and him) why he didn't take those steps and what it is in HIM that caused him to behave the way he did. You also have to be aware that if whatever caused him to behave disrespectfully doesn't change (through things like self-help, communication, counseling, etc.), you can expect more of the same--or worse--behavior in the future. Liars and cheaters don't change unless they really work their asses off to change.

Closely evaluate your relationship and what your instincts are telling you. See what steps he does or doesn't take to make changes and earn back your trust. And don't hesitate to get out of this relationship if lying and/or cheating are issues. You're better off doing it now then when you're married with a kid or three and a house (and/or other assets, complicated financial situation), and you find out he's broken your trust and heart yet again.

Good luck to you!

 

[bailadora]

<snip>

It might also be nice to let him keep the pictures to masturbate with, if nothing else. Of course, if you think she's hot, too, you could always look together.

WTF? Seriously, Fin? I know you're a poly person and you have different perspectives than the monogomistically inclined folk, but that's a bit much to ask of someone. IF my husband were to ever cheat on me and IF we were ever able to reconcile, there is no way I'd want him to keep pictures of the woman with whom he cheated, much less masturbate to them.

I'm not naive enough to believe I'm the only woman he has or ever will look at much less fantasize about, but having pictures of the other woman around would always be a painful and glaring reminder of that break in faith.

 

[Eilan]

WTF? Seriously, Fin? I know you're a poly person and you have different perspectives than the monogomistically inclined folk, but that's a bit much to ask of someone. IF my husband were to ever cheat on me and IF we were ever able to reconcile, there is no way I'd want him to keep pictures of the woman with whom he cheated, much less masturbate to them.

I'm not naive enough to believe I'm the only woman he has or ever will look at much less fantasize about, but having pictures of the other woman around would always be a painful and glaring reminder of that break in faith.

Oh, I think his suggestion is a great one--as long as the OP gets to Photoshop the pics first.

 

[infinity706]

WTF? Seriously, Fin? I know you're a poly person and you have different perspectives than the monogomistically inclined folk, but that's a bit much to ask of someone. IF my husband were to ever cheat on me and IF we were ever able to reconcile, there is no way I'd want him to keep pictures of the woman with whom he cheated, much less masturbate to them.

I'm not naive enough to believe I'm the only woman he has or ever will look at much less fantasize about, but having pictures of the other woman around would always be a painful and glaring reminder of that break in faith.

I've never personally had a problem with it, though. I've enjoyed pictures/video/graphic descriptions involving someone one of my partners lied about fucking and I found out about it later. Of course after being caught once, no one has ever lied to me again about fucking someone. It's not the sex that gets you in trouble with me, though, and no one's felt it's worth risking getting in trouble over something they're allowed to do.

 

[RAddams]

You really need to cook this turkey and find a decent man.

 

[coastal-boy]

thanks to all who replied! it was a tough night and I did talk to him. I appreciate everyones advice, thanks!

It is a new year. What you do with it is up to you. Trust is earned not by words.

 

[satindesire]

I've never personally had a problem with it, though. I've enjoyed pictures/video/graphic descriptions involving someone one of my partners lied about fucking and I found out about it later. Of course after being caught once, no one has ever lied to me again about fucking someone. It's not the sex that gets you in trouble with me, though, and no one's felt it's worth risking getting in trouble over something they're allowed to do.

I don't think you're getting it, fin.

When someone is monogamous, and is in a monogamous relationship, they have their whole universe centered around that one single person. That partner is the sun to their earth, they REVOLVE around that person because of their love and devotion keeping them connected and intimate and together.

When that partner breaks their heart and destroys them by cheating, basically saying "You were not good enough for me so I decided you weren't worth being faithful to.", that kind of pain is so blinding and staggering it can take years to get over, IF you get over it at all.

You don't take the pictures of the bitch he fucked and jerk off to them with him. You soak the phone in gas and light it on fire.

You may not understand monogamy and the sort of ties that bind you in that sort of relationship, but suggesting that she let him keep the pictures and masturbate to them...WHAT THE FUCK was in your head exactly that makes you think that's a great idea?!

 

[infinity706]

I don't think you're getting it, fin.

When someone is monogamous, and is in a monogamous relationship, they have their whole universe centered around that one single person. That partner is the sun to their earth, they REVOLVE around that person because of their love and devotion keeping them connected and intimate and together.

When that partner breaks their heart and destroys them by cheating, basically saying "You were not good enough for me so I decided you weren't worth being faithful to.", that kind of pain is so blinding and staggering it can take years to get over, IF you get over it at all.

You don't take the pictures of the bitch he fucked and jerk off to them with him. You soak the phone in gas and light it on fire.

You may not understand monogamy and the sort of ties that bind you in that sort of relationship, but suggesting that she let him keep the pictures and masturbate to them...WHAT THE FUCK was in your head exactly that makes you think that's a great idea?!

I can totally understand love, devotion, and intimacy, though. I just don't limit it to one person. Of course, "Can we have a threesome?" is also one of the questions I tend to ask, as well. Letting the person masturbate to the pictures is serveral steps below that.

There was actually one case where I even got to explore that other person on my own.

 

[StrayKat]

I've never personally had a problem with it, though. I've enjoyed pictures/video/graphic descriptions involving someone one of my partners lied about fucking and I found out about it later.

I would say it really depends on what kind of emotional involvement you have with the said person.
I never had problems with someone I didnt really care about either, apart from slight Ego bruises.

 

[SweetErika]

I can totally understand love, devotion, and intimacy, though. I just don't limit it to one person. Of course, "Can we have a threesome?" is also one of the questions I tend to ask, as well. Letting the person masturbate to the pictures is serveral steps below that.

There was actually one case where I even got to explore that other person on my own.

I don't necessarily limit love, devotion or intimacy to one person, either.

However, I sure as hell expect honesty, respect and safety to be a component of all of my relationships, and lying and cheating run afoul of those, as well as my definitions of love and devotion.

YOU may be able to write off lying and/or cheating, but the fact is, nearly everyone else--monogamous or not--views those as seriously detrimental to themselves and their relationships when they are lied to and/or cheated on.

How about trying to have some empathy for others, rather than focusing on yourself?

 

[satindesire]

I can totally understand love, devotion, and intimacy, though. I just don't limit it to one person. Of course, "Can we have a threesome?" is also one of the questions I tend to ask, as well. Letting the person masturbate to the pictures is serveral steps below that.

There was actually one case where I even got to explore that other person on my own.

Your severe lack of social mores and empathy is stunning.

 

[nakdsub]

We haven't heard any more from you since...

you said you talked. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[infinity706]

I would say it really depends on what kind of emotional involvement you have with the said person.
I never had problems with someone I didnt really care about either, apart from slight Ego bruises.

I don't necessarily limit love, devotion or intimacy to one person, either.

However, I sure as hell expect honesty, respect and safety to be a component of all of my relationships, and lying and cheating run afoul of those, as well as my definitions of love and devotion.

YOU may be able to write off lying and/or cheating, but the fact is, nearly everyone else--monogamous or not--views those as seriously detrimental to themselves and their relationships when they are lied to and/or cheated on.

How about trying to have some empathy for others, rather than focusing on yourself?

I do think honesty is important and I don't just totally write it off. I just don't see the extreme level of heavy handedness. Even if someone lied about some other big thing like making a house payment, they don't get permanently ostracized in most cases. Quite a few people treat the slightest sexual dishonesty as the social equivilant to murder. It deserves a reasonable punishment. If someone borrows something and doesn't return it on time, everyone would think you're the crazy one if you grabbed it out of their hands and broke it over their head.

Your severe lack of social mores and empathy is stunning.

I think I'm plenty empahthetic. I even earned the nickname, the marshmallow for being exceptionally forgiving. I honestly don't care about traditional sexual mores, though. Tradition is nice, but if it's completely unreasonable, it should be reworked into something sensible. I'm not one of those extreme, ban religion fanatics. I'll stand there quietly while people do their prayer ceremonies and I don't really give a shit if people want to carry some religious book with them everywhere. If you're going to take some parts literally, though, you should follow all the rules, like chopping people's hands off for stealing or forcing women to become prostitutes if they get raped, not just the ones you like.

I'm not even against monogamy even if I don't personally subscribe to it. I just think people should handle their sex lives like responsible adults, regardless of the number of partners they choose to have. I don't personally think naked pictures of the chick down the street are any worse than that pornstar out in California, though. It's just a fantasy visual aid.

 

[StrayKat]

I don't personally think naked pictures of the chick down the street are any worse than that pornstar out in California, though. It's just a fantasy visual aid.

The blind people probably dont think the sunset is worth all the ooohs and aaahs either, even when someone does their best to describe it.
Your entire attitude just tells me that you miss a very important ingredient to be capable of any empathy in this particular matter.
So just accept that some people may feel different than you, take their words for granted and move on. Trust me, you are not going to convince anyone here to change their views, it is not something one *can* change that easily.

 

[infinity706]

I'm not really so much worried about changing anyone's views. I still see no reason why I shouldn't defend my side, though, just like everyone else. That's what having a balanced discussion needs. Besides, empathy doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It just means understanding their side and being supportive of their feelings. That doesn't mean I can't think their solutions are completely irrational.

 

[StrayKat]

It just means understanding their side

But you dont:

That doesn't mean I can't think their solutions are completely irrational.

What proves you have no empathy.

 

[infinity706]

I totally understand how people feel. It's a lot more gray area, though, and in many cases, the people that rail the hardest against cheating are the worst offenders or are doing something even worse. They just happen to be better at not getting caught. I think the people lacking empathy are the ones recommending/handing out excessive punishments.

 

[AdamHaigh13]

I totally understand how people feel. It's a lot more gray area, though, and in many cases, the people that rail the hardest against cheating are the worst offenders or are doing something even worse. They just happen to be better at not getting caught. I think the people lacking empathy are the ones recommending/handing out excessive punishments.

Once somebofy vheats there isnt any going back from that.Regardless of the reason the trust is broken and in future will come back to haunt them both. the cheater is most likely to vheat again in the future.There are some who unferstand why they mY do it and others who do not.

but surely the love between them is not real as would never cheat if it was.