How to fall in love

[Munachi]

Not sure if this is okay here or better for the Cafe...

And not sure if "falling in love" is the right term, as I know it is something that takes time and getting to know each other. Maybe rather, how to get interested enough in someone to find a relationship worth the trouble.

Well, usually I am happy being by myself, and there are lots of good reasons staying single, but sometimes I get worried that I kind of make myself too distant to any possible feelings for someone. I do have one night stands or sex-relationships every now and then, but whenever it comes to being serious with someone I keep seeing all kinds of reasons why I don't want to. Every now and then I get crushes, but again, I get them only if the other person is not interested, should they get interested after a while, I seem to lose interest in them.

This has been going since my last relationship ended about two years ago... And as I said, while I am happy most of the time, every now and then I do think it would be nice to have someone who matters to me again, there are times when I wonder if this will just continue the rest of my life...

Hm, this all sounds a bit pathetic I guess, maybe today is just one of these days...

 

[emap]

Your thinking about it the wrong way, live your life the way you always have, the right person will come along and knock your socks off.

I'm not kidding here, I was a slut until I met my guy, but it wasn't a constant thing, I would find a guy sleep with him, maybe more than once if he was good. But I always moved on, there were dry spells, sometimes at the end of those I would just grab anybody and fuck them, but usually I only slept with cute guys.

Well one day I ran into my guy, well more of started talking to him, we really hit it off and 3 weeks later I was under him in his bed and really haven't left, well sometimes I'm on top and in front of him and so on but you get the idea.

What I'm saying is, don't worry about it, the right guy for you will come along, don't forget to talk to anybody cute of course, but just go on be happy and he will come.

 

[EJFan]

i think i have a handle on what you're saying munachi...

i don't really have any answers or suggestions for you. i just wanted to say that i'm often very emotionally reserved (some would say outright cold) and very hard to get to know. i'm not sure what the reason is and i don't think it would matter if i DID know why i'm this way.

there are times, however, when i really wish i was lounging on a couch with someone i really care about... just sitting there yappin' with one another about something that isn't remotely important but matters more to us than anything else at that moment. or watching a downpour through the patio door, leaning against the wall with our arms around each others' waists. i miss times like that a lot.

 

[Munachi]

you are right, of course... i just sometimes remember those relatives of mine (and there are quite a few) who seem to have stayed single all their lives... and then i meet guys who are great personality wise and theoretically are just what i always looked for, but somehow just that certain something is missing...

but i guess, one day... and i should just enjoy life right now, even though i am worried if i enjoy life like back in germany, it might get me a bit of a reputation in these parts... but then, i will leave anyway...

 

[Munachi]

In a way I tend to be very cold too. At least I am told so... On the other hand, I like to flirt and especially when I drink I like it too much... I guess it makes me also not always behave fair to guys who might have a more serious interest than I do... On the other hand, I can also be very shy, especially the rare occasions when I really like someone...

 

[Seduce]

Your thinking about it the wrong way, live your life the way you always have, the right person will come along and knock your socks off.

How very true...... when you deliberately try to find someone it never works out.

 

[SweetErika]

Not sure if this is okay here or better for the Cafe...

And not sure if "falling in love" is the right term, as I know it is something that takes time and getting to know each other. Maybe rather, how to get interested enough in someone to find a relationship worth the trouble.

Well, usually I am happy being by myself, and there are lots of good reasons staying single, but sometimes I get worried that I kind of make myself too distant to any possible feelings for someone. I do have one night stands or sex-relationships every now and then, but whenever it comes to being serious with someone I keep seeing all kinds of reasons why I don't want to. Every now and then I get crushes, but again, I get them only if the other person is not interested, should they get interested after a while, I seem to lose interest in them.

This has been going since my last relationship ended about two years ago... And as I said, while I am happy most of the time, every now and then I do think it would be nice to have someone who matters to me again, there are times when I wonder if this will just continue the rest of my life...

Hm, this all sounds a bit pathetic I guess, maybe today is just one of these days...

While I agree someone (more likely many) will come along, it might be worth it to spend some time preparing for it. I would focus on the portion in bold, listing reasons you haven't wanted to, and seeing if there are any patterns, less rational thoughts, or fears behind them. For example, if a reason was liking your independence, you might ask why you think you would lose that in a more serious relationship, and if it's possible (or even likely) the right relationship would support your independence and growth as an individual? In other words, that you would be gaining something and enriching your life, not losing anything?

Also, ask if missing out on the incredible, positive things emotional involvement can bring is really worth avoiding the potential for some pain to you. If you think you might be too distant or cold, what are some ways you can become a warmer, more open person?

I'm not suggesting you should or have to change, but maybe even just having a little more insight and plan if you do decide you want something different would be helpful.

All of that is poorly worded, but I hope you get my point.

 

[Munachi]

thanks for hte answers... I guess it has a lot to do with being afraid to lose my independence... For example, I travel a lot - and when my last relationship ended, there was this point where I realized that I could do so many more things now, where before I would have adapted my plans to him. ANd I guess I fear other relationships would be similar...

Another thing is though, that somehow most people just seem to bore me very quickly when it comes to relationships. I guess I am very picky, and I am somewhat arrogant (not so much showing it usually, more in the way I think) and most people just quickly seem stupid or naive to me. Interestingly, those that are not like that, I often do not find attractive on a physical level on the other hand... But I guess one day there will be someone who I find attractive both intellectually and physically, I just have to wait...

 

[emap]

Well your not alone on that, until I met my guy I was rarely in a relationship longer than 6 months, most shorter.

I just have to point out, your life doesn't revolve around him, if you have to change things for him you shouldn't be with him.

As for the the rest of it, be patient the right guy is out there for you, well likely several of them.

 

[Cakegirl]

Munachi, you sound exactly like me, and I wonder what it is that I can do to change it.

 

[jacuzzigal]

i think i have a handle on what you're saying munachi...

i don't really have any answers or suggestions for you. i just wanted to say that i'm often very emotionally reserved (some would say outright cold) and very hard to get to know. i'm not sure what the reason is and i don't think it would matter if i DID know why i'm this way.

there are times, however, when i really wish i was lounging on a couch with someone i really care about... just sitting there yappin' with one another about something that isn't remotely important but matters more to us than anything else at that moment. or watching a downpour through the patio door, leaning against the wall with our arms around each others' waists. i miss times like that a lot.

I relate to this a lot, EJ. Tonight is one of those nights where I'm wishing I was lounging with someone I care about.

Munachi, I'm no expert. But I think to understand if a relationship is really worth the investment or not takes faith and trust in your gut. That doesn't mean it will always work out the way you think, either. Sometimes relationships are worth it for what you can learn from them, even if they don't end up working out long-term. When someone comes along that you really feel is worth it, you'll know. It might still be scary and you might have to learn how to balance your independence with your interdependence on that person, but it will be worth it.

*hugs*

 

[Seduce]

The thing is that any relationship (especially romantic ones) asks for some level of sacrifice and lots of compromising........ if you just had a roommate you need to adjust your life to his/hers in a way...... and romances are much more complicated.

I managed to live in my first marriage for 17 yrs, then divorced and married again after only year and a half..... and I am in second one 3 yrs now....... but believe me I get sick from time to time and only want to be at peace and live alone.

Not that I am considering another divorce - I love my husband dearly - but it all gets so complicated and tiring from time to time. And it is more so when you just start relationship....... if my marriage ever goes to pieces again I would not have any energy for any more relationships of that kind (at least I think so now).

 

[emap]

Seduce I'm pretty sure we've all been there, and there is plenty of compromising to be found in any relationship. However when your redoing your whole life to match someone elses there is a problem.

Maybe I read to much into Munachi's comment about changing her plans, but to me a compromise is puttign a trip off a day so that he can go to, or a week if it's a vacation so you can spend it together. Things like that are a compromise, not doing things because he doesn't want to isn't.

Cakegirl the way to accept people for who they are is to step away from stereotypes, not all accountants are bookworms who live, eat, and dream numbers, not all jocks are idiots and so forth. If you can meet a guy and only listen to him without setting a personality profile for him already, you can sit there and get to know him longer. It also helps to steer conversation away from boring things, if he refuses to change topics, take the door or toss him out it.

The way I look at it for every 20 boring or moronic people there is 1 guy that can hold a conversation that is not boring. Now the number of good sex partners is a bit better, usually 1 in 10 can do OK at least in bed. Sex gods, well I've only met one and he's mine There is however at least one intelligent sex gods out there for you to, it's just a matter of finding him.

I've found the best way to do that is to talk to people, set up personals profiles, go out talk to people and eventually your sex god will be waking you up for breakfast.

Don't get me wrong, he's more than a master of sex, I'm probably biased but I think he can hold a fascinating conversation with fish. One sided of course.

 

[Munachi]

Maybe I read to much into Munachi's comment about changing her plans, but to me a compromise is puttign a trip off a day so that he can go to, or a week if it's a vacation so you can spend it together. Things like that are a compromise, not doing things because he doesn't want to isn't.

You are quite right! I learned this early - one of my first "relationships", when I was 16, was with a guy who begged me not to go abroad for a year just then. Well, just when he said that was the deadline to apply for the program, I would have left about six months after that. I didn't apply. One or two months later, he broke up with me. Fortunately I could apply again a year later, so I got to go anyway, but back then I promised myself, that while to a certain degree I can adapt my plans to another person, I won't give up on something I really want to do, because someone else asks me to. If he really is the right guy, he will understand how much these things matter to me. And of course, I will try to also have the same understanding for his plans.