How to deal with verbal abuse

[Beck31]

A little history. I have a married friend whos husband verbally abuses her.
We had a series of quick flings in the past. Never ending all that well. *Sigh*
I'm not proud of cheating with her BUT I was in love..or infatuated at least.
Anyway I don't know what to do. She gets mad when I try to defend her.
And to be honest sometimes I get the fall out which is never good or fun at all.

Short of cutting off all contact-which I don't want to do-I'm at my wits end.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I'm sure there is someone who cares.

 

[silverwhisper]

first: i'm certainly not an expert--there are others here who are--but verbal abuse is sometimes the tip of the iceberg. i'd be very concerned if i were you. consider forwarding this link to her. it's entirely possible he's simply a complete asshole--but it's also possible she's being physically abused as well. since you've presumably seen her naked, you'd be better positioned than others to make that determination. but on the other hand, you only have one side and you may not exactly be an objective observer here. when he's verbally abusive, does she seem to flinch or are there any indications there's a physical element to the abuse?

second: if it seems like an abusive relationship beyond his being a pathetic excuse your first and only priority is getting her out. physical abuse often escalates. this is tricky though because victims of domestic abuse quite often feel they deserve their abuse, but i think it's important to add your voice to what may be a chorus of people telling her to get the fuck outta dodge.

three: i'm assuming you're no longer having an inappropriate relationship with your friend. but if you are, you need to stop right the fuck now. an abusive husband who discovers betrayal generally does not do good things to his wife.

ed

 

[lovecraft68]

A little history. I have a married friend whos husband verbally abuses her.
We had a series of quick flings in the past. Never ending all that well. *Sigh*
I'm not proud of cheating with her BUT I was in love..or infatuated at least.
Anyway I don't know what to do. She gets mad when I try to defend her.
And to be honest sometimes I get the fall out which is never good or fun at all.

Short of cutting off all contact-which I don't want to do-I'm at my wits end.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I'm sure there is someone who cares.

Slap him in the mouth next time he does it. Men who do this are cowards, he'll shut the fuck up and quick. I you hear he takes it out on her later, call the cops for her, then go give him a serious beating.

And for those who think "Oh, you can;t do that?" Just look at the news and see how many women are killed by men who have been arrested multiple times for abuse and let back out.

The system does not work. But throwing a coward a beat down does.

 

[silverwhisper]

so...what happens when beck isn't there to protect her when he comes back for revenge? is he supposed to become her 24/7 bodyguard?

ed

 

[Beck31]

verbal abuse

Thanks for the well thought out responce. As far as I know he has never hit her. Yes, I may simply not be hearing all sides of the situation. I can only go by what I have heard and seen. The thing that I am afraid of is the day she snaps and kills him. Any form of abuse is NOT RIGHT and it needs to stop. No, I am not seeing her in that manner anymore. Still friends but I'm not sleeping/w her.

 

[box13]

Since we tend to have our own definitions of what "verbal abuse" is, I won't assume mine is just like yours is. But this, presents a problem:

She gets mad when I try to defend her. And to be honest sometimes I get the fall out which is never good or fun at all.

...and I'm thinking that from her perspective, she doesn't feel that she's being abused. Or else her world is sort of twisted around at the moment, and she doesn't know what abuse really is, or why she should do anything about it.

So maybe you're projecting your own feelings of how you think she should be treated onto the situation, and she doesn't see it that way. Your option there might be to "get a life" of your own, and find someone to have those feelings with.

In either case, she doesn't sound willing to accept your assessment of her relationship, and if she's really hurting inside over her husbands (?) "abuse" then she should look for some kind if counseling or peer environment where she can find some better understanding of what her situation is, and how she should interpret it.

I dunno, for some reason it kind of reminds me of my own "you should leave him for me" period in my life where I just ended up being the loser (a 3rd guy walked away with it all) so I might be looking at it from that frustrated perspective.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Slap him in the mouth next time he does it. Men who do this are cowards, he'll shut the fuck up and quick. I you hear he takes it out on her later, call the cops for her, then go give him a serious beating.

And for those who think "Oh, you can;t do that?" Just look at the news and see how many women are killed by men who have been arrested multiple times for abuse and let back out.

The system does not work. But throwing a coward a beat down does.

Lemme sell you a clue. When the cops come to the door the lil lady often helps hubby kick the cops ass. I have seen gals jump on the cops back as daddy is being cuffed.

 

[Primalex]

A little history. I have a married friend whos husband verbally abuses her.
We had a series of quick flings in the past. Never ending all that well. *Sigh*
I'm not proud of cheating with her BUT I was in love..or infatuated at least.
Anyway I don't know what to do. She gets mad when I try to defend her.
And to be honest sometimes I get the fall out which is never good or fun at all.

Short of cutting off all contact-which I don't want to do-I'm at my wits end.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I'm sure there is someone who cares.

Sorry, I don't even know what you want to achieve and why you are dabbling in other peoples relationships. Obviously she was tough enough to dump you, so I'm quite sure that she is fine.

 

[Beck31]

I needed to vent my frustation and needed advice. We had an affair and she does not feel anything for her hubby anymore. Oh and FYI, dude, she didn't dump me, we ended the affair and it was both are decisions. Obviously can't help some doesn't want to be helped.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

I think you should walk away from this situation or leave that subject off limits.

You've told her how you feel. Hopefully she knows that this is not acceptable and will get out when she's ready. You can't save her.

 

[Beck31]

Thank you SunDevilGirl. Yes I know I should just walk away.
She's going to do what she wants regardless of how awful it is.
All I can do is offer support and if she winds up killing her hubby, then just being there for her.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I'd approach it two ways. First, if I would simple look online and get the variety of phone numbers for domestic abuse hotlines and services in her area. Then, I would delicately provide them to her. (Outside intervention rarely ends an abusive relationship - it requires one partner to make the decision to end the relationship and then take the appropriate steps.)

Second, I would offer whatever support I could if she makes the decision to either leave the relationship or perhaps seek counseling. The degree to which you decide to get personally involved in a personal choice and carries with it the very really possibility that it could all go very badly - for you, for her, for them. Take on the risk with open eyes.

Then, I would wish her the best of luck. You can help open the door to seeking help, but she has to walk through it on her own.

 

[MsChele]

I lived a live of abuse. Nobody could have told me he was abusive until *I* was ready.

Unfortunately for me, it took a broken bone. That pretty quickly solidified what was abuse and what was just a fight that had gotten out of control. I pray this isn't the case for your friend but truly, all my friends could do was wait and when it eventually happened? Be there. When I look back, it's all so clear but I wouldn't have called anything about that time in my life clear. You have my best wishes for a better resolution than I had.

 

[Beck31]

verbal abuse

Thank you. It is truly horrible what you had to endure. I don't think her hubby has ever physically assaulted her. Just verbally. I do know he hit the kids once and he never did it again. No excuse for that type of behavior at all. The guy is just a major ass. She has some issues yes and her homelife isn't helping it.

All I can do is offer support-and a place to stay-and hope she kicks his sorry ass out of the house before something terrible happens.

 

[MsChele]

I don't think her hubby has ever physically assaulted her. Just verbally. I do know he hit the kids once and he never did it again.

Not a person in my sphere would have guessed he had hit me. When I showed up with a cast on my arm and the news that we'd separated, jaws literally dropped. I'm not saying this is the case for her, but the multitudes I've read about this subject in the time since suggest it is generally escalating behavior. Be incredibly careful how you anger and enrage this man. My ex often took out very innocuous comments made by my friends out on me later. Yes, mostly verbally but even that was hell. Make no mistake that when an abuser is made to feel small? He will take that out on the person he abuses. These types of people will usually not allow themselves to be made to feel bad without striking back. Please, just be careful for all of your sake.

 

[FlyAwayFromHere]

Beck, you are right to be concerned even if it is just verbal abuse. Hurting someone physically is unforgivable, but because the evidence is visible to people they often forget the serious effects of verbally destroying someones soul on a daily basis.

My example: I was hit daily in school, my hair set on fire... etc. But the constant daily bashing with words from everyone around me broke my spirit (which still effects me), not the physical pain (which i couldnt care less about). In my case, i can take physical abuse. I cannot take psychological/verbal.

My advice:

Someones people only discuss an issue close to their heart with it bubbles to the surface after a recent episode... So it would a good idea if you could take her to lunch, go somewhere public, and calmly talk about you feelings towards her relationship. Explain clearly you are not doing this in any way to get her back in a sexual or romantic way, state what has caused these concerns, using examples if you can. Ask her to allay your fears if they are unfounded, or to let you help her in HER way if she understands that your fears do have foundations.

good luck.

(If you need help in future, feel free to message me.)

Fly x

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

nothing

You can do nothing to protect her nor stop the abuse. She is the one who must act. I'd encourage you to talk with her about her life and let her know each time that you find her to be a good, worthwhile, valuable person who does not need to accept bad treatment.
As MsChele said, the light must come on in her head. You may play a role but until she concludes something must change, nothing will.

 

[Belvino]

Like everyone has said you cannot do much for her other than to be there for her. She has to make those decisions on her own, and it is important she does. I tried for ten years to convince my own mother that we did not need to live with her asshole of a boyfriend. It did not work and eventually when I got old enough to move out she was left by herself. I am not sure if that helped her leave faster or not but it has been about three years since she left him. Unfortunately they had a child together which was a horrible thing to do, and thus she still has to have some contact with him. I see the damage he has done to her spirit so much now that she is a totally different person. It hurts me and I am filled with anger towards him, but there is not much I can do about it. I tried to get her away from it all, but he was incredibly manipulative. He was physically, and verbally abusive towards her and when I got older he started lashing out at me.

Anyway what I am trying to say is that it is incredibly important that you try to be there for her as much as possible. It may be hard, if not impossible to convince her to leave, but maybe you can convince her that the grass is greener on the other side. Just because he is only verbally abusive doesn't mean she wont be harmed psychologically.

 

[Beck31]

Thank you Belvino (and the others who have responded). Much appreciated.
Yes, it is going to be a long road and I am doing my best. Exhausted but I must push on. My hope is she will see sooner than later that she needs to kick his ass out or move out. There are no kids even keeping her there. (Both are adult and since moved out).

Like so many have said it is utlimatly her decision and all I can do is support.
But in all honesty I'm not sure I have the strengh anymore to pick up the pieces.

 

[Blazexx]

verbal abuse

Hmmm. Let's look at the options. Certainly getting away from a verbal abuser is the better choice but it is not always that cut and dried. I'm sure she does appreciate your support and knows you care for her very much. If she is who I think she is then she knows you love her and want to protect her.

But, Beck, you have to be patient, understanding, and know it is not easy for her. She has made a life and has children with her hubby even if he is not a good man. You can't force someone to do something even if you think it is in their best interest. So with that in mind good luck baby.

 

[box13]

Beck, you are right to be concerned even if it is just verbal abuse. Hurting someone physically is unforgivable, but because the evidence is visible to people they often forget the serious effects of verbally destroying someones soul on a daily basis.

My example: I was hit daily in school, my hair set on fire... etc. But the constant daily bashing with words from everyone around me broke my spirit (which still effects me), not the physical pain (which i couldnt care less about). In my case, i can take physical abuse. I cannot take psychological/verbal.

My advice:

Someones people only discuss an issue close to their heart with it bubbles to the surface after a recent episode... So it would a good idea if you could take her to lunch, go somewhere public, and calmly talk about you feelings towards her relationship. Explain clearly you are not doing this in any way to get her back in a sexual or romantic way, state what has caused these concerns, using examples if you can. Ask her to allay your fears if they are unfounded, or to let you help her in HER way if she understands that your fears do have foundations.

good luck.

(If you need help in future, feel free to message me.)

Fly x

Listen to the voice of experience.

I would only add (unfortunately) that it might take the help of someone who doesn't have that past emotional connection hanging over things, in order to hear the reality, and move forward.

Or maybe I'm just incompetent at it.

 

[chunkychocolate]

first: i'm certainly not an expert--there are others here who are--but verbal abuse is sometimes the tip of the iceberg. i'd be very concerned if i were you. consider forwarding this link to her. it's entirely possible he's simply a complete asshole--but it's also possible she's being physically abused as well. since you've presumably seen her naked, you'd be better positioned than others to make that determination. but on the other hand, you only have one side and you may not exactly be an objective observer here. when he's verbally abusive, does she seem to flinch or are there any indications there's a physical element to the abuse?

second: if it seems like an abusive relationship beyond his being a pathetic excuse your first and only priority is getting her out. physical abuse often escalates. this is tricky though because victims of domestic abuse quite often feel they deserve their abuse, but i think it's important to add your voice to what may be a chorus of people telling her to get the fuck outta dodge.

three: i'm assuming you're no longer having an inappropriate relationship with your friend. but if you are, you need to stop right the fuck now. an abusive husband who discovers betrayal generally does not do good things to his wife.

ed

I agree.......and any man that abuses a woman like that is disgusting

 

[Rozalin_0123]

Coming from someone who's been through verbal and physical abuse I can offer my two cents on the subject:

First of all, do not confront him on her behalf. If you do not know the fulll extent of what is going on, he may take things out on her and make things worse.

There's absolutely nothing you can do if she doesn't want out. Have a one on one talk with her and determine if she is willing to leave. If she feels trapped, offer her a way out. The harsh reality is that she has to want to change in order for it to happen.

Verbal abuse is often times worse than physical. Wounds heal in a few days, verbal abuse attacks the mind and takes far longer to get over. Sometimes when you think you're over it, little things can trigger it back, starting the process all over again. This makes the idea of suicide more appealing. If you feel she may be at that point, do what you can to assure her that its not the way and that she can change things for the better.

It is also a red flag to me that when there is fallout she takes it out on you. This isn't a healthy relationship, be it on a friendship level or otherwise. You have feelings for her and that's to be commended, but don't go into it blind to the possiblity that she may be using you to blow off stream, and not really having the same feelings for you.

 

[Beck31]

Thank you Rozaline. Very much appreciated. Having seen her naked I never noticed any bruises. I don't think there is a risk of suicide and that is something
I am thankful for. Yes, it is a very tricky situation. Not idea at all but I do feel I am making progress. As far as taking it out on me I can understand. Someone who already has a temper and anger issues like she does...well the situation... just inflames.

 

[WomanInProgress]

She is the one who has to act, meaning get out of the abusive relationship. As long as she does not see it, there's nothing you can do.