How to: deal with this?

[fgarvb1]

I think I was married to her once.

I give you the same advise a counselor gave me one time.

"Don't worry about it, When you get enough of it, You will do something about it."

Six months later I took my ulcers down and filed for divorce.



May God bless and keep you. You need all the help you can get.

"Word" One tactic that may be used on you is, keeping you so off balance and emotionally confused that she can get away with anything.

 

[jason_shift]

Well. Here's an update for you.

Tonight I decided it would be best if we went out to dinner and talked this out, so Her mother had our child for the evening, and we went to a local steakhouse. At first, when I came home from work, I was in a bad mood, and just seeing her didn't help it.

But after I got some food in me, (that always helps)
I was able to open up and get things moving.

while eating dinner:
She says: " This is weird, it's almost like we don't know what to say to each other."
I said:" I have so many things to say, it's buring out my brain. More like alot of questions, is she doing this, is she doing that, is this the whole truth."

She:" Yea, I can understand. I don't know what I have to do to regain your trust, But I want to. I really do. And I love you alot."


Later in the car.....

Me:"So, tell me, WHY did you tell me? Why bother if you were getting away with it?"

Her:" I just knew it was wrong, that's why I told this guy it HAD to stop, Have you noticed how skinny I look?? I've lost 15lbs in the last month, Everytime I tried to eat, I felt like I was goning to throw it back up....I felt SO guilty, I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to tell you the truth."

From what I coulkd tell, it was really sincere. She was tellign me the truth tonight. I could tell. at least I'm pretty sure of it.

I feel alot better now that we talked a little more. Like a weight has been lifted. I think she really understands what she did, and hom much it hurt me. She knew it was wrong, she had too. otherwise there was NO reason for her to come out and say anything about it. at least that's what I think.

our plan is this: I'm going to work with her on this, I'll try to get past my anger, and she'll try to re-build my trust. If it works, great. If it dosen't, then we will at least know we tried.
it's gonna be a long hard road. But If we make it, I think we should come out stronger because of it. I now see why she did it, and we can work on those problems as well. She also added: " I was looking for something that I already had, I just didn't see It was there."

Thanks again for everyone's support and comments I really appreciate it. you helped me get through this.
I'll keep ya posted, and I like this site, so you'll probly see me aroung.

thanks, later

 

[Lifesabeach]

I realize that I am getting to this thread rather late in the game, and although I read things that I wanted to add-to, I am glad I read to the end first.

My 2 cents on your situation would have been in agreement with a couple of others... move on and right away. Do not look back!

However, after your last post I will say that it is my most sincere hope that I would have been wrong, that she made a mistake and not simply revealed her flawed character.

Trust is THE most important component of a relationship. With it you can work anything out, and without it... nothing really matters.

I hope for your sake, that it works out. And please let me know if it does... it will restore my faith in people.

 

[Bobmi357]

Jason, I've very happy that it seems like things might be heading back towards an even keel for you and I really hope you and your wife manage to get it fixed to both your satisfactions.

LOL! Having said that, I'm now gonna hijack this thread and move it onto a slightly different vein, solely because this has been floating around in my head this past week. Pardon the long long post.

Trust. Its easy to build it with a stranger, and exceedingly difficult to rebuild it with someone you love.

When you first meet someone, you basically have little real trust in them. But if you were raised like I was, you've learned to give people the benefit of the doubt and see if they do anything that would violate that trust.

In a relationship (a pairing of any gender), you are faced with a series of plateaus, each one is basically a foundation upon which you build your level of trust in another person. The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex, the first weekend away etc... Each one of these "firsts" adds knowledge about the person, and your level of trust in that person. Sooner or later you reach a point where you feel you know the person well enough to say "I trust him/her", or "I don't really trust him/her". Part of the problem with failed relationships is that a lot of people aren't really good judges of character. People are continually giving off clues about their character, they can't help it, but a lot of people fail to pick up on these clues.

One of the bonuses, and drawbacks of being in a relationship is you should be capable of baring your soul to your partner, revealing secrets that you wouldn't even tell your priest on your deathbed. You trust your partner enough to be able to tell things and know they won't make hurtful comments, or use the information against you.

I keep asking myself how would I react if I had been in Jason's situation, and how would I rebuild the level of trust I had prior to it being broken. I'm not in his shoes, nor have I ever been, although I am now in my second marriage, the first did not end due to any case of infidelity.

I think that IF I were in his shoes, and as gracious as he is, trying to forgive the mistake and work to rebuild the relationship. I would think I would expect my wife to make an effort to be more open and soul baring with me than ever before. I think I'd want to know what drove her to make the choices she did, so that I could work on making those motivating factors go away.

I think its easy for the injured party here to make a mistake in assuming its all the fault of the other person. I think its also possible that the injured party could try to take advantage of the situation, preying on the guilt of the partner so to speak. In the long run, this would be as damaging to the relationship as the original transgression.

I don't think I'd want to know the intimate details of the cheating. First off it would be like pouring salt in the wound, and I think it would be hurtful in the extreme if I found out my partner did something with the other person that she never wanted to do with me. Finding out the intimate details isn't really necessary, and it hinders the effort to move beyond this into a rebuilding phase.

Sex is going to be extremely awkward for the next couple months for Jason and his wife. Jason's not going to be able to avoid thinking things like "Was he a better lover?", "Did he do it like this?", or "Is she thinking about him now instead of me?". And to make matters worse, if the wife has any case of guilt (which from his post, she is), she's probably going to go through a very submissive, "Lets do anything to please Jason" phase. I think they both need to recognize what they are doing and try to understand it. They NEED to rekindle the physical intimacy they once had. But they also need to recognize that for the foreseeable future, things have changed.

OK, having said all this, I'm left with a question. What would YOU do to rebuild the love and trust in your mate if you were in Jason's shoes?

 

[wicked woman]

Jason I'm so glad to hear you talked this out with your wife and got the response you did from her. Know it will take a lot of work from both of you but sure hope it works out.


Bob...you continue to amaze me with your posts. I know by now I should be used to it, but I'm not. Your comments on trust remind me when my sons were young how I tried to instill in them how they shouldn't lie to me...no matter what they did. How lying to me about it would be worse than what ever they might have done...because it would mean I wouldn't be able to trust them. Didn't mean I would like what they did or that they wouldn't be punished for it, but that they absolutely had to tell the truth.

What would I do to try to rebuild his trust in me? Good queston. I think first thing I'd do would be to ask him what he thought I needed to do. I can't read his mind and what I think he might want me to do isn't necessarily what he would need. Would it mean making sure he always knew where I was and how I could be reached? Agreeing to curtail certain activities like not meeting with the man even in public. Open up communications more...as you said, how we got there, what was my thinking, what we both need to help us. I think I'd also make a point of making him a priority in my life...or more of a priority...spending time together...doing those little things he likes on a day to day basis. I think I'd realize that I'd lost the right to have him automtically trust me and that it was my job to try and earn it back. It sounds obvious, but by keeping it upper most in my mind it would remind me why I was doing all these things...not cause he made me...cause I made a mistake.

Not sure how good this answer is...I've never been in a situation like that and I agree it's very hard to think of how to rebuild someone's trust in you.

 

[Bobmi357]

What would I do to try to rebuild his trust in me? Good queston. I think first thing I'd do would be to ask him what he thought I needed to do. I can't read his mind and what I think he might want me to do isn't necessarily what he would need. Would it mean making sure he always knew where I was and how I could be reached? Agreeing to curtail certain activities like not meeting with the man even in public. Open up communications more...as you said, how we got there, what was my thinking, what we both need to help us. I think I'd also make a point of making him a priority in my life...or more of a priority...spending time together...doing those little things he likes on a day to day basis. I think I'd realize that I'd lost the right to have him automtically trust me and that it was my job to try and earn it back. It sounds obvious, but by keeping it upper most in my mind it would remind me why I was doing all these things...not cause he made me...cause I made a mistake.

Not sure how good this answer is...I've never been in a situation like that and I agree it's very hard to think of how to rebuild someone's trust in you.

I don't think there are any pat answers here Wicked. I think that at some point in the process of rebuilding the trust (and the love) in a relationship, the injured party is going to have to make a leap of faith and extend some trust in their partner. Trust to the extent of being able to bare your soul to someone doesn't happen overnight.

I'm going to address this part from the wife's perspective for a moment.

I agree that cutting off all contact with the third party would be a necessary prerequisite for fixing things. But in Jason's case, that might not be possible. His wife and the other guy work at the same place. She could leave and find another job, but with today's job market, I think it would be unfair to ask her to quit.

You're probably right that doing things for him would in some ways lessen or assuage the guilt, but there's a subtle trap here. If you start doing things that are totally out of character for the relationship, you could (a) make him think you're more guilty than your telling him, and (b) give him an opportunity to take advantage of the situation which would only breed resentment on your part. I think that in part, your actions have to be constrained within the bounds of how the relationship used to be. For example if previously you and your partner engaged in oral sex only a couple times a week, offering him oral daily before he goes to work would be out of character.

Its important to realize that relationships rarely fail because of one person, they fail because both partners screwed up somehow. And while the guilt for a screwup like this might come down more heavily on the cheating partner, both need to share it equally if the relationship is to survive.

LOL! I am glad you answered the way you did, but what I was wondering was what would you do if you were in HIS shoes, meaning it was someone that cheated on you. No matter, it does give us the opportunity to address it from the other direction.

 

[jason_shift]

Hey everyone. it's been awhile. Just thought I'd give you an update. After my wife's little "fling" at work, I decided I would try to forgive her, and we could work on this. Well, a few months later, here we are and last week, she packs up and her & my son moved in with her parents.

I thought things were working out, I guess I was worng, she said she did it becasue we needed some "space"...So I said, that's fine. So I asked her if she was going to honor our wedding vows while she is trying to "find herself"

She says in an e-mail...

Hello once again,

Well to answer your question...I am not going to be out looking for someone but if I want to date it shouldn't matter. We are now separted and you can also do this. Nothing is therer to hold either one of us back. I have noone in mind but I don't want to have the feeling that I can't do anything even if I wanted to right now. I don't think that I should talk to you as much on the phone either. I can't stand us acting all chipper when knowing all the problems are under neath. Maybe call me if you want only every other day. Okay. I feel as though we are still up each other asses. I would like to date you in the future but I need space right now.

I don't even want to start dating for a few more weeks okay. Maybe I need to learn things but myself for a while. I think that I need to see who I am without you. I have beeen with you ever since I have been a kid and ow I need ot see who I am as an adult.

Keep in mind, we are not legally seperated. Just living apart.

I'm basically shocked. She says today that she wants a divorce.
I don't think she knows what she wants... ahh... the drama continues.

This really has me tore up inside. everytime I come home, the house is empty, I feel sick on my stomache.anyone ever been in a similar situation?

 

[Wulf7]

Sorry to hear this Jason. I don't have any advice except to maybe check out the www.marriagebuilders.com website and forum.

 

[Missingmeds]

Hey everyone. it's been awhile. Just thought I'd give you an update. After my wife's little "fling" at work, I decided I would try to forgive her, and we could work on this. Well, a few months later, here we are and last week, she packs up and her & my son moved in with her parents.

I thought things were working out, I guess I was worng, she said she did it becasue we needed some "space"...So I said, that's fine. So I asked her if she was going to honor our wedding vows while she is trying to "find herself"

She says in an e-mail...

Hello once again,

Well to answer your question...I am not going to be out looking for someone but if I want to date it shouldn't matter. We are now separted and you can also do this. Nothing is therer to hold either one of us back. I have noone in mind but I don't want to have the feeling that I can't do anything even if I wanted to right now. I don't think that I should talk to you as much on the phone either. I can't stand us acting all chipper when knowing all the problems are under neath. Maybe call me if you want only every other day. Okay. I feel as though we are still up each other asses. I would like to date you in the future but I need space right now.

I don't even want to start dating for a few more weeks okay. Maybe I need to learn things but myself for a while. I think that I need to see who I am without you. I have beeen with you ever since I have been a kid and ow I need ot see who I am as an adult.

Keep in mind, we are not legally seperated. Just living apart.

I'm basically shocked. She says today that she wants a divorce.
I don't think she knows what she wants... ahh... the drama continues.

This really has me tore up inside. everytime I come home, the house is empty, I feel sick on my stomache.anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Jason, get a good lawyer, get your divorce filed for. If you can't file for divorce, file or attempt to file for legal separation. That will get your visitation rights to your son settled. See and deal with her as little as possible. Save every email letter or anything that she sends you. Don't call her. Unless it is something pertaining to your son.

This woman is the kind that makes sorry to be a woman. She is just stringing you along until SOMETHING better comes along. This is now a established pattern.

 

[horny_boi]

wow this topic i can really relate too at this point in my life right now.
it sounds to me like she is confused and hurting as much as you jason.
but i believe while she is like this she may just fall back into old habbits and find someone else again to ease the pain or offer support ( Im quite sure most guys know its easy to cheer up a girl and get 'lucky' )
but i don't want to assume that will happen, ( that is just what I would personally be thinking if i was in your shoes but then again i am quite depressed )

From All your posts and your attitude I know you feel strongly for your wife, I wish you all the best of luck rebuilding your marriage and i pray it will only get better for you

if it happens for the worse though it was just meant to be, Move on, Be happy Im sure you would be able to find another girl as you seem like a very dedicated and careing person.
good luck !
*edit*
yes get yourself a lawyer too and make sure you get the best for yourself and your child

marriage
voluntary union of one man and one women to the exclusion of all others
she must have not understood what exclusion of all others meant

 

[sheath]

Jason, get a good lawyer, get your divorce filed for. If you can't file for divorce, file or attempt to file for legal separation. That will get your visitation rights to your son settled. See and deal with her as little as possible. Save every email letter or anything that she sends you. Don't call her. Unless it is something pertaining to your son.

This woman is the kind that makes sorry to be a woman. She is just stringing you along until SOMETHING better comes along. This is now a established pattern.

I absolutely agree. If you are separated, then you both have to agree on the 'rules' of the separation. It does sound as though she wants to make those rules herself and leave you out in the cold. After all you have been through in the space of this thread, that unwillingness to compromise is the final straw.

Get that custody settled fast. Her dictating when you can call is NOT acceptable, especially when it concerns your child. Get something legal in writing before she goes even farther than she has already.

Best of luck to you...

S.

 

[fgarvb1]

After re-reading this thread again I bet it was that guys wife on the phone and she was threating to tell you all about it if she didn't.

She is doing what she wants and shining you on as she leaves you in the dust.

It is time to get your life back on track. This will take some time.

In the time it takes to do that you will probably meet someone else.

I know this is not want you want to hear right now.

I also know that you will not want to hear that in about six months there is a good chance she will try to get back together with you.

Someone will treat her like she treated you.

Don't let her sucker you into it.

 

[DarkMuse]

Oh wow...after all that work to work it out, and she up and leaves.

Remember--it wasn't your fault. She started a pattern, and is continuing. And follow the legal advice above...

Good luck.

 

[jason_shift]

Thanks alot for the advice, So far we don't have anything on paper. We Own a mobile home together, and we both agreed it would be best to sell it. She works second shift at the nursing home where she fooled around with that guy, so I get my son on those nights ( she works about 3 nights each week), and she said I could have him every-other weekend. Which to me, does not feel like enough. I miss my son terribly, I'm still living here at the house, and every time I come home, he's not here, I walk past his room...and I just feel like I am going to lose it. I get sick...I feel it right now, Like I'm going to puke and cry all at once. I HATE this. I don't want this. I want my family back, and now it's all gone!! one min. we aere working things out, and the next, BAM! I Lose everything that is important to me. My whole life is changed.

Needless to say, this brings on more depression. I'm normally a depressed guy anyway. but this just puts it over the top. My friends and family are trying to help me, talking etc..."It's not your fault" they say... The real sick thng is, she's treating me like this, and I'd do anything to have her and my son back..shouldn't I be mad? I feel like getting on my knees and begging. Maybe It's a comfort issue?...I can't take it.. I'm going to give my gun back to my dad to keep for awhile. I don't think I'd actually DO anything...but I can't say I haven't thought about it....but that's a coward's way out.. I'm not a coward..I have to work through this!

I really didn't want to get into lawyers/courts etc. But I guess I'm going to be forced to. Otherwise she could really drag me through the mud couldn't she? I mean, I really didn't want this to get all mean & hatefull. I didn't want to have to fight this out in court.. What happens if they give her full custody? And then I'd never be able to see him again!?! god that would be terrible.

I feel so scared and insecure. I just don't know what's going to happen next. I have no idea. this will sound very un-man-like. But I feel the need to be held by someone.

I have to thank everyone again. It's nice to have a place to talk this out. My aunt went through a divorce along time ago. she says she's got one of the best divorce lawyers in the country. maybe I should give her a call.

 

[jason_shift]

And another thing. I should've cut this off when she wan't willing to leave her job. that was a big trust issue. to still be going to work with the same guy, it's not like she had a career there, she could another job easily. I should've seen she wasn't committed then.

 

[midwestyankee]

And another thing. I should've cut this off when she wan't willing to leave her job. that was a big trust issue. to still be going to work with the same guy, it's not like she had a career there, she could another job easily. I should've seen she wasn't committed then.

Jason, it's very easy to get caught up in playing Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda at this point.

But don't.

She made her choices and acted on them regardless of your clearly expressed desires. You did not cause her to make those choices. Yes, I know plenty of people might chime in and say that it takes two to either build or destroy a relationship, but nevertheless she made the choices.

What you're going through is a normal part of the process of losing something very dear to you. Just bear with it and eventually things will settle down in your mind. In the meantime, try to avoid blaming yourself for her actions.

 

[DarkMuse]

I cannot express just how important counselling for you is. A counsellor will help you deal with your emotions, and let you lose the "coulda-woulda-shoulda" thoughts.

Good luck.

 

[freddyandeddy]

I've been following this thread, laying back, as I usually get myself into trouble with my, um, pragmatic responses. However, I thought it might be time to share a tidbit from the mind of the CHEATER to give you a little insight into how fucked up what your wife did to you is and what a fucked up person SHE is for doing it.

Before I met my wife, I was in a 2 year relationship with an amazing woman. She was sexy, bright, giving, and trusting beyond reason. After awhile, I just took it for granted that she and I would always be together and that we could weather any storm. I became so comfortable, in fact, that I barely noticed my sexy co-worker circling overhead.

It started with a couple of lunches together at work, then more frequent lunches, then hanging out on our breaks, and finally meeting after work for drinks a couple of times a week. We used the excuse that we were just waiting for traffic to die down and our conversations almost always included references to our S/O's in glowing terms, how much we loved them, how happy we were, etc.

Funny though; we never actually got around to actually TELLING our S/O's about our new "friendships" at work.

Finally, after 6 months or so, after about 5 Grayhounds at a happy hour, we were stumbling back to our cars and it just happened. A long, deep passionate kiss. And you know what? It felt fucking GREAT. It was exciting, exhilirating, and downright sexy as hell. The fact that we had crossed the line (sorry Bobmi, but a kiss is just as bad as doing the deed) made it even MORE exciting. We kissed some more and then I stopped and drove home, goddamn giddy from the whole thing. That night, I made love to my S/O with a vengeance and didn't sleep a wink thinking about how much I wanted to take things further with my co-worker.

And we DID take things further. We secretly got extra cell phones so we could keep in touch without detection, we'd slip off at work to make out, we'd pass e-mails back and forth (how dumb is that in today's business environment, eh?), and we'd do just about everything short of intercourse, somehow justifying in our minds how, without actual sex, this was NOT cheating.

Finally, my S/O got suspicious and waited outside of my work and saw me kissing my co-worker goodbye in the parking lot. Later at home, when she confronted me, I first tried to deny everything and turn it back on her. "How dare you spy on me!" and all that nonsense. But there was no escaping it - a decision was now before me. Like your wife, I confessed and professed my love for my S/O and promised to earn back her trust. I told her I'd quit as soon as I could find another job and that we'd never even speak to eachother at work from then on. We decided to rededicate ourselves to our relationship, spend more time together, even seek professional help if necessary.

Deep down, though, I knew I was a fucking asshole. I was lying to her and I was lying to myself. I had tasted the forbidden fruit and I wanted more. In only two days, my co-worker and I were back to the same pattern of behavior, only NOW we went the next step and had sex. Eventually, my S/O tired of all the lies and deceit and left, leaving me devastated (can you believe it?) and despairing. The affair continued for awhile longer and fizzled out. I guess when the excitment of the ACT of cheating is gone, you are left with nothing but emptiness and trampled emotions all around. Some months later, co-worker cheated on ME and I got to feel for myself how deep this act can cut.

Bobmi, in this case it only took ONE person to fuck things up, just as it only took one person in Jason's case.

Jason, trust me, you'll get over this eventually. Just know you were betrayed by someone not worth your lifetime of love and that you'll move on and find someone with whom your trust will be restored.

 

[fgarvb1]

Jason, if I might take a moment out to say that I have gone to the place where you are at a time or two.

Some counseling will help you put some perspective or prospective as the case may be on the situation.
All is NOT lost, life goes on and no matter how much the present sucks, better times are ahead. Time will help some too. Remember this, you do not have to like what is happening to you, one must only learn to come to grips with it. Truly, life is not fair and the old saying that rain falls on the just and unjust alike is true.

If I might suggest exploring your hobbies both old and new ones, what I am trying to say to keep busy and do not lie around and mope. When you have trouble sleeping, do not lie there and drown in your sorrows, exercise to exhaustion if necessary.

Get out and interact with people, even when and especially when you would rather be alone and miserable. Things have a way of working out for us, far better, than we can imagine when we are having a bad time in our lives.

Hang in there Jason many of our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Garvin.

 

[sheath]

I feel so scared and insecure. I just don't know what's going to happen next. I have no idea. this will sound very un-man-like. But I feel the need to be held by someone.

I have to thank everyone again. It's nice to have a place to talk this out. My aunt went through a divorce along time ago. she says she's got one of the best divorce lawyers in the country. maybe I should give her a call.

I can vouch for the power of sharing. Coming to this thread and asking for advice does not substitute for counseling or the feeling of a friend holding your hand when you cry...but it comes pretty damn close sometimes. Especially in the middle of the night when you can't sleep and all you want to do is scream at the injustice of it all.

Been there, done that. This board is wonderful therapy for me.

It's okay to feel scared and insecure. You are going through what everyone dreads and never expects when they take the vows to love and cherish forever. It's okay to feel as though your life has fallen apart. But in the midst of that, don't forget what you still have...you have your son, even though you miss him...you have your health, and that is more than many have...you have the simple joy of another day.

I know it doesn't seem like jack shit sometimes. Believe me, I know it is hard to see the blessings in the midst of the pain. But those blessings ARE there, and if you forget, come back to this thread and ask again what those blessings are. I'm sure there are many, including me, who will be more than happy to listen to your ramblings and offer, at the very least, an affectionate rose.

Hang in there...you will be okay. You WILL.

S.

 

[Bobmi357]

Jason,
Its never easy to see something you've worked hard to build fall apart. In your own particular case, my immediate suggestion is to sit down with your aunt's attorney and explain the situation. Don't pull any punches, don't leave anything out, no matter how embarassing.

Your wife started this roller coaster, you might as well drag her along for the ride of her life in the courts. If the attorney is any good, he will get her cheating down as the principle reason for your filing for divorce. At that point he/she can also ask the courts for custody. The courts take a very very very dim view of people that cheat. Ordinarily Mothers tend to be granted custody, but cheating mothers are another story. By claiming marital infidelity on her part as the grounds for divorce, it becomes a public issue which she can't hide from. And if the attorney is any good, he'll track down the spouse of her partner for corroborating testimony.

I know this all sounds quite vindictive, but dragging her ass through the courts will allow her to explore herself. If she complains, just tell her its a "learning experience" for her.

 

[pplwatching]

Bobmi, in this case it only took ONE person to fuck things up, just as it only took one person in Jason's case.

It's certainly very noble to take all of the blame, but I think that you're understating the case. I don't want to disagree with you just for the sake of disagreeing, so let me ask you a question instead. I know this was a while ago for you, but can you think back and honestly say that you slipped into infidelity in spite of the fact that you were getting everything that you needed at home?

Just for the sake of argument lets say that you cared about your lover (spouse?) and that Jason's wife actually cared about her marriage. Something failed in the marriage, not in the person. Ignoring that is setting yourself up for failure in the next relationship.

I've quoted the Rocky Mountain Family Council web site before (and been told that sometimes a person just doesn't care thank you very much), but allow me to quote it again.

The fact is that affairs commonly start with someone you know and spend time with, such as friends and co-workers. It happens in marriages where people don't talk to each other, and where couples are longing for intimacy, which isn't the same thing as sex. Many affairs happen very subtly when one hurting person meets another hurting person. Although the reasons differ, men tend to have affairs for sexual reasons or to boost their egos. Women tend to have affairs because they yearn for someone to love and appreciate them; in other words, for emotional support. Knowing these facts can help us to affair-proof our marriages. Women can help affair-proof their marriages by encouraging their husbands, by being their greatest fans, and by meeting their sexual needs. Men can help affair-proof their marriages by providing strong emotional support, love, and appreciation to their wives.

FWIW

 

[freddyandeddy]

That quote is fantastic, Bobmi, and I agree with most of it. As I think back, my S/O did not speak English very well (she was only a couple years here from Japan) and so our conversations were quite limited. This may have had a lot to do with co-worker and I having those long conversations. But, I still maintain I should not have crossed the line into affair territory. It would have been better to inform my S/O of what was going on and sought to prevent it (or breakup before she got hurt). But, as is probably the case with Jason's wife, the emotional excitment was just too much and we almost couldn't prevent things from spiralling out of control. Call it inertia.

Now that I'm older, I would definitely get things out in the open before proceeding down the slippery slope to an affair. It's just not worth it. Of course, I now have learned to be far more attentive and avoid potentially dangerous situations with co-workers (I'm the only male among 24 female teachers) by NOT getting too close with any of them.

Jason, take a lot of the advice from previous posts. Occupy your time with friends, interests, etc.

Oh, but RESIST the impulse to go through a messy divorce! My wife manages a law firm and she'll be the first to tell you that NOBODY wins in one of these things. Emotions will be dragged out and slaughtered on both sides and, in the end, you will NOT be satisfied with revenge or achieve closure through anger. Better to work things out as civilized as possible and move on. Really.

 

[ohfaque]

If the attorney is any good, he will get her cheating down as the principle reason for your filing for divorce. At that point he/she can also ask the courts for custody. The courts take a very very very dim view of people that cheat. Ordinarily Mothers tend to be granted custody, but cheating mothers are another story. By claiming marital infidelity on her part as the grounds for divorce, it becomes a public issue which she can't hide from.

Maybe in some states, but most states now have a No fault divorce law and will use the term "irreconcilable differences".
Cheating will not usually result in the mother losing custody. A cheating mother isn't necessarily a bad mother.

Jason,
From what I understand, Dad gets child 3 nights a week plus every other weekend. That is decent terms and you may be able to add in, that you pick him up after school those days and get the afternoon also.

Don't worry about her getting full custody, that usually doesn't happen unless one parent shows to be unfit. Joint custody is the way the courts tend to go now days. You can ask for Joint Physical custody, and that would give you a lot of time with him. For that to work, you need to be in the same school district etc.


Good luck to you.

 

[Missingmeds]

Another case of "Not MY FAULT" syndrome....

Jason get on the phone this instant with the aunt and call the lawyer today and set up an appointment. This woman is dictating to you when you will see your son, and has taken complete control of the situation. She will do what pleases her.

You are not going to get back together. She has everything going her way. She knows your fears and concerns. She will come back when she doesn't get her way somewhere else.

Oh, and might I suggest a paternity test on your son. Just to be sure.