How to date a single mom

[EbersMoll]

FWIW, being more than twice the your age I can say that these sorts of big decisions never get easier to take. It's the right and mature thing to do to consider her situation and whether you feel able to take on the responsibility. But actually you are unlikely to have to face that reality until the relationship has become much more developed.

My advice is, if you like her (not just sexually), then let the relationship develop and see where it leads. There will come a point down the road (possibly even months away) when it will become more obvious to you whether she (and all that comes with her) are right for you. Her child care necessities will probably make dating more difficult than you've experienced before, which will be a good test of your feelings.

The key thing is that if at any point you decide she isn't the one for you, then you have to let her know immediately.

Finally, as a father, I can attest that what everyone else has said about kids imprinting on adults very quickly, is true. So try to not get at all close to her kid until you are sure about your relationship with her. She will probably try to keep you away from her child anyhow initially. If you break up after after forming a relationship with her child, the damage you do will be much more significant, not only to her and her child, but also to yourself.

Good luck to you all, whichever way it goes.

 

[Corwith]

Feel free to explore the relationship with her; just understand that her kid will always come first, and that she might expect you to help out if the relationship progresses. If you're okay with that scenario, then there is no reason not to continue; assuming that you like her enough.

 

[Teddybarehead]

Update:

Shes getting her mom to sit for her so we can have a date. I'm pretty excited about this. We toned down the pic sharing to flirty rather than x rated. Shes worried I won't like the way she looks, but that is explained by her ex being verbally abusive. Everyone is self concious, add past issues... and well there you go.

I have been following her lead on a lot of things. I know it seems like I am jumping the gun on this or whatever, but I'm not. I am a planner and a big picture guy. So when I found out she had a kid i wanted to get as much info and advice from people who had dated single moms, or from the single mommies of lit themselves. I really like kids, and have a great deal of patience with them.

From our discussions on the phone i've learned about the dad that is still a part of the kids life. I like that, because it means this kid isn't going to be starved for male companionship, and i am not interested in being a replacement for his dad. Friend, definitely but he needs his father, not me.

This may sound weird, or some of you might agree, but I'm attracted to her for her toughness as a single mom, and her ability to cope with responsibilities i haven't had to deal with. I like the advice not to get ahead of myself with her, and I'll take that into advisement on my date with her this weekend ( We've been chatting and texting for about 1 week already)

I want to thank everyone that has been participating, giving advice, and the random troll and off topic posters as well XD.. Connubium, followed your pic thread, still a big fan <3 thanks so much for your input.


And for those of you that are strictly thinking of sex, that isn't all I want from her, shes well shes a really cool lady and I can't wait to get to know her better, and not just in the bedroom. If that wasn't true I wouldn't be looking for info here.

 

[Connubium]

Update:

Shes getting her mom to sit for her so we can have a date. I'm pretty excited about this. We toned down the pic sharing to flirty rather than x rated. Shes worried I won't like the way she looks, but that is explained by her ex being verbally abusive. Everyone is self concious, add past issues... and well there you go.

I have been following her lead on a lot of things. I know it seems like I am jumping the gun on this or whatever, but I'm not. I am a planner and a big picture guy. So when I found out she had a kid i wanted to get as much info and advice from people who had dated single moms, or from the single mommies of lit themselves. I really like kids, and have a great deal of patience with them.

From our discussions on the phone i've learned about the dad that is still a part of the kids life. I like that, because it means this kid isn't going to be starved for male companionship, and i am not interested in being a replacement for his dad. Friend, definitely but he needs his father, not me.

This may sound weird, or some of you might agree, but I'm attracted to her for her toughness as a single mom, and her ability to cope with responsibilities i haven't had to deal with. I like the advice not to get ahead of myself with her, and I'll take that into advisement on my date with her this weekend ( We've been chatting and texting for about 1 week already)

I want to thank everyone that has been participating, giving advice, and the random troll and off topic posters as well XD.. Connubium, followed your pic thread, still a big fan <3 thanks so much for your input.


And for those of you that are strictly thinking of sex, that isn't all I want from her, shes well shes a really cool lady and I can't wait to get to know her better, and not just in the bedroom. If that wasn't true I wouldn't be looking for info here.

De nada , you sound like a sensible guy. Good luck with your date

 

[Emerson40]

Update:

Shes getting her mom to sit for her so we can have a date. I'm pretty excited about this. We toned down the pic sharing to flirty rather than x rated. Shes worried I won't like the way she looks, but that is explained by her ex being verbally abusive. Everyone is self concious, add past issues... and well there you go.

I have been following her lead on a lot of things. I know it seems like I am jumping the gun on this or whatever, but I'm not. I am a planner and a big picture guy. So when I found out she had a kid i wanted to get as much info and advice from people who had dated single moms, or from the single mommies of lit themselves. I really like kids, and have a great deal of patience with them.

From our discussions on the phone i've learned about the dad that is still a part of the kids life. I like that, because it means this kid isn't going to be starved for male companionship, and i am not interested in being a replacement for his dad. Friend, definitely but he needs his father, not me.

This may sound weird, or some of you might agree, but I'm attracted to her for her toughness as a single mom, and her ability to cope with responsibilities i haven't had to deal with. I like the advice not to get ahead of myself with her, and I'll take that into advisement on my date with her this weekend ( We've been chatting and texting for about 1 week already)

I want to thank everyone that has been participating, giving advice, and the random troll and off topic posters as well XD.. Connubium, followed your pic thread, still a big fan <3 thanks so much for your input.


And for those of you that are strictly thinking of sex, that isn't all I want from her, shes well shes a really cool lady and I can't wait to get to know her better, and not just in the bedroom. If that wasn't true I wouldn't be looking for info here.

Best of luck Mr Barehead.

It sounds like you both are starting things at a pace that works for you guys. Be yourself, be a gentlemen, and let things evolve naturally.

 

[EbersMoll]

Update:

Shes getting her mom to sit for her so we can have a date. I'm pretty excited about this. We toned down the pic sharing to flirty rather than x rated. Shes worried I won't like the way she looks, but that is explained by her ex being verbally abusive. Everyone is self concious, add past issues... and well there you go.

I have been following her lead on a lot of things. I know it seems like I am jumping the gun on this or whatever, but I'm not. I am a planner and a big picture guy. So when I found out she had a kid i wanted to get as much info and advice from people who had dated single moms, or from the single mommies of lit themselves. I really like kids, and have a great deal of patience with them.

From our discussions on the phone i've learned about the dad that is still a part of the kids life. I like that, because it means this kid isn't going to be starved for male companionship, and i am not interested in being a replacement for his dad. Friend, definitely but he needs his father, not me.

This may sound weird, or some of you might agree, but I'm attracted to her for her toughness as a single mom, and her ability to cope with responsibilities i haven't had to deal with. I like the advice not to get ahead of myself with her, and I'll take that into advisement on my date with her this weekend ( We've been chatting and texting for about 1 week already)

I want to thank everyone that has been participating, giving advice, and the random troll and off topic posters as well XD.. Connubium, followed your pic thread, still a big fan <3 thanks so much for your input.


And for those of you that are strictly thinking of sex, that isn't all I want from her, shes well shes a really cool lady and I can't wait to get to know her better, and not just in the bedroom. If that wasn't true I wouldn't be looking for info here.

All sounds very wise to me. I hope it works out for you all.

Oh, and if the wedding bells should chime in the future, remember who your friends are when pulling the guest list together

 

[Teddybarehead]

Omg a lit reception = an excuse for a tasteful orgy?

 

[EbersMoll]

Omg a lit reception = an excuse for a tasteful orgy?

LOL I see your point - maybe we will just send cards

 

[subwannabe]

I've got a long history of dating women with kids and have married two, both had their own kids. I never tried to take over being their real dad but I'm not sure you realize that if the relationship progresses and you wind up living together, you will be their second dad. It doesn't really work out that you can be a friend only. A father does things with his kids, takes them on family vacations, goes to school meetings, congratulates them when they do good, and also has to discipline them to some degree when they need it. These are all things you are going to have to do if it does eventually get to the point where you are living together. In that situation you can't just be a friend only.

 

[monkeyman057]

I've got a long history of dating women with kids and have married two, both had their own kids. I never tried to take over being their real dad but I'm not sure you realize that if the relationship progresses and you wind up living together, you will be their second dad. It doesn't really work out that you can be a friend only. A father does things with his kids, takes them on family vacations, goes to school meetings, congratulates them when they do good, and also has to discipline them to some degree when they need it. These are all things you are going to have to do if it does eventually get to the point where you are living together. In that situation you can't just be a friend only.

This.

My first wife had kids when we married.

My second wife had kids when we married.

Regardless of how much of a role their father has in their life, you'll end up picking up some of those 'male role model' responsibilities. It's inevitable. She won't impose it on you intentionally, but you seem like a good guy. As such, you'll feel obligated to fill in some blanks when they pop up. It's not a bad gig - I love my step-kids (for the record I just call them my kids - I use the 'step' prefix for clarity here), but don't kid yourself about what you're getting in to. If she has a good relationship with her sons father, that helps.

As an aside - all this stuff about 'remember, her kids come first' - I would have to qualify that a bit. In the beginning, this should absolutely be true. If it's not, don't waste your time with her. But as your relationship moves into 'serious', 'long term', 'committed', and maybe one day 'married'... her priorities need to shift a little bit. The kids health and well being should remain her top priority and should become yours as well. But if she puts the kids desires and wants ahead of the health and soundness of her relationship with you - that's a really big problem and in the long run will hurt the children more than help them. I've been there and lived through it with my first wife and have seen my children suffer for it, and hers too.

Kids are great. Don't be afraid - just be willing to work around her parental obligations, and eventually share them with her.

 

[Teddybarehead]

This.

My first wife had kids when we married.

My second wife had kids when we married.

Regardless of how much of a role their father has in their life, you'll end up picking up some of those 'male role model' responsibilities. It's inevitable. She won't impose it on you intentionally, but you seem like a good guy. As such, you'll feel obligated to fill in some blanks when they pop up. It's not a bad gig - I love my step-kids (for the record I just call them my kids - I use the 'step' prefix for clarity here), but don't kid yourself about what you're getting in to. If she has a good relationship with her sons father, that helps.

As an aside - all this stuff about 'remember, her kids come first' - I would have to qualify that a bit. In the beginning, this should absolutely be true. If it's not, don't waste your time with her. But as your relationship moves into 'serious', 'long term', 'committed', and maybe one day 'married'... her priorities need to shift a little bit. The kids health and well being should remain her top priority and should become yours as well. But if she puts the kids desires and wants ahead of the health and soundness of her relationship with you - that's a really big problem and in the long run will hurt the children more than help them. I've been there and lived through it with my first wife and have seen my children suffer for it, and hers too.

Kids are great. Don't be afraid - just be willing to work around her parental obligations, and eventually share them with her.

I have been told by so many people that I will make a great dad someday. I'm not saying I wouldn't be willing to step up to the roll, just that i don't see myself volunteering, If it happens then I imagine that it will come along naturally. Going in with the mindset "i'm going to date this mom, and be her kids dad." just seems weird haha.

 

[monkeyman057]

I've never entered into a relationship with a woman thinking, "I'm gonna be her kids new dad." As a father I would be out-right offended if my ex got mixed up with someone that was imposing himself as a father figure on my kids. I usually make it clear that my being with her shouldn't indicate a desire to do so. But you're right - it generally comes naturally with the evolution of the relationship.

 

[Teddybarehead]

Despite my enjoyment of the various pics she's sent me, shes still extremely nervous about meeting me. Shes afraid I will magically not be attracted to her, because her ex verbally abused her about her weight. Any ideas on how i can make her feel better about this other than just being really excited to see her and not bringing her weight up in conversation tomorrow (we're going on a date tom)

 

[subwannabe]

You just have to be yourself and whatever happens, happens. I think if you try too hard it isn't really as good as just being sincere and honest. You also don't want to disappoint yourself by having too high of expectations. Then you might feel trapped and guilty about ending it if it doesn't work out.

 

[Beck31]

single mom

You just have to be yourself and whatever happens, happens. I think if you try too hard it isn't really as good as just being sincere and honest. You also don't want to disappoint yourself by having too high of expectations. Then you might feel trapped and guilty about ending it if it doesn't work out.

Well said subwannabe.

 

[monkeyman057]

I'd agree with that also. The best thing to do is just forget about trying to be anything but yourself. She'll probably take her cues from you - so have fun and enjoy her company. Just have a good time and try to keep the conversation light.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Despite my enjoyment of the various pics she's sent me, shes still extremely nervous about meeting me. Shes afraid I will magically not be attracted to her, because her ex verbally abused her about her weight. Any ideas on how i can make her feel better about this other than just being really excited to see her and not bringing her weight up in conversation tomorrow (we're going on a date tom)

Just be your charming self and keep the conversation light - I gather that a lady's weight is not commonly considered a polite first date topic.

 

[Teddybarehead]

Since we'd been talking, texting, and sharing pics on the phone I felt pretty brave. Her biggest thing was that she was afraid I wouldn't like her body. So I told her that when we met up, i would pull her in close and give her a kiss to prove I liked what I saw. The weather was on my side. It was pooring down rain, and she didn't have an umbrella, I did. I found her sitting in her car. She wanted me to wait for her to come to me, but it was raining, So i Held the umbrella up and let her get under it. It's a small umbrella. I looked at her. She was a bit thicker than I expected, but not a big deal. I said "come here" and we kissed for a few seconds. We then spent a while going through the mall, walking and talking before coming back to my place to watch the most boring makeout movie of all time, Cast Away.

 

[rexhame317]

Being a single parent dating is never an easy task for male or female.

I did not start dating again till this past February, after almost 8 years of no dating/sex (been divorced almost 10 years)

My kids know of 1 guys(we work together) I mentioned that he was the one I went to the movies with every Tues night(we did this for close to 3 months) My kids are also older (teens) but I have never believed they should meet anyone I dated till the relationship was months old and even then, would be a case by case situation.

As for the body image, after 3 kids, and nt much time to spend on myself, that is a BIG concern for me when I meet someone new. Will they like what they see, or leave our first meeting to never call again.

You have to go with your feelings and get yourself out there. Its never easy, but if its right, you make it work

 

[Beck31]

Exactly.