How to date a single mom

[Teddybarehead]

I am 22, she is 24. We met on a dating site which i can't name, but that site is one of those free ones that doesn't allow nudity and stuff like that. Anyway, so i liked her profile and she liked mine, we started chatting, and then texting.

Tonight all of the sudden we are exchanging pics. I'm thinking this is awesome. We tell each other we like each other, she says i'm sweet. She asks for a pic so I take one of my upper body on my bed, whatever not a big deal. She send me the same kind... but she doesn't have a shirt on. This goes on and escalates as you would expect. Around 3 am shes like "I am so turned on but I have to go to sleep, my son is going to wake up in 4 hours."

I didn't know she had a Son. I am still a kid in so many ways. I feel like i've been growing up fast due to the job i do every day...but how do you know if you're ready to step into that kind of relationship. Any helpful comments are appreciated, and no I'm not just trying to fuck her. I do legitimately like her, I'm just afraid of the responsibility of suddenly being some kid's mom's boyfriend, whatever that means.

 

[GrrlFriday]

First impressions - it could be a good thing that you're afraid, in that you're aware of the responsibility involved, that you're thinking about a longer-term. Her child should come first for her, and that doesn't mean that she doesn't like you.

And - everyone can still feel like they're a kid in so many ways, regardless of if they're 22 or 62. You'll both be able to work it out as you go along, what it could mean to be her boyfriend. As of now, you haven't even met in person yet, and despite picture-sharing, it's still early days. For now, she may be afraid that the budding whatever-it-is between you two will change now that you know she's got a son... I'd suggest getting in contact with her and say you had a good evening with her, and that you hope she's not too tired out. Next time you both chat, ask her about her son, how old he is, what he likes... Keep it light, but don't shy away from talking about him (unless things get intimate again...).

Best of luck.

 

[SweetErika]

While it's great that you're thinking ahead about whether you could handle the immense responsibility of having a child involved in a relationship, it seems like you might be jumping the gun on this.

I mean, if you feel like you have a lot of growing up to do and may not be able to take on such a responsibility, then it's totally right for you to be up front with this woman about that now and not date her (at least at this time). Self-assessment and honesty with yourself and potential partners are the way to go, for sure, so whether you're truly willing and able to be a big part of a child's life is something you definitely need to think and communicate about with any single mother you're considering dating. If you're not ready/there, then cross single moms off your list of people you can date unless/until you find yourself more mature and confident in your abilities to handle a parenting role. I think any woman who's worth having a relationship with would appreciate your honesty and forthrightness; single moms don't want to waste their time dating people who are incompatible!

Beyond that, you may be getting ahead of yourself because you haven't even met this woman in person yet, much less been on multiple dates with her, correct? What if you meet her for coffee or whatever, and you find out she's not who she appeared to be? What if you go on a few dates and find you're not all that compatible after all? My point is that there's A LOT that may or may not happen between now and you getting to a point where you'd even meet her son; there's even more that could happen before you'd have to take on a parenting role.

Speaking of meeting the child, my very strong feeling (and that of many others, including a lot of child psychologists and other experts) is that parents should not bring their children and partner together until the relationship is extremely stable. Kids can get attached very quickly and easily--especially if they're not close with one parent--so it can be damaging for them to meet mom's/dad's partners too soon, only to have the relationship(s) not work out for one reason or another. I even see this with my own incredibly independent two-year-old - when he meets someone he likes, he attaches himself quickly and strongly to the point where he'll talk/ask about them even if he hasn't seen them for MONTHS! IF you do decide to date a single mom, her introducing you to her child too soon/before the relationship is stable should be a HUGE red flag. To clarify, by "introducing" I mean more than a, "Hey, this is my friend John and we're going bowling tonight while you play with Jenny," as you pick her up and she has the babysitter take over kind of thing.

So, to answer your question, you should never "suddenly be some kid's mom's boyfriend." If you decide you're ready to potentially be a step-parent, then you should date the woman, watch closely for red flags, go sloooooowly, and if there's every indication that the relationship is very solid and going to work out long-term, then you introduce yourself to the child, little by little. When the relationship is getting serious, it'd be wise to read some books and even attend some parenting classes/seminars. With the ridiculous divorce and unwed parenthood rates, I'm sure there are some excellent resources on dating and marrying single parents, taking on an important role in a child's life, etc. It might even be incredibly smart to check some of those resources out BEFORE you date someone who has a child so you have an idea of what you can expect, how things should go and what you can do to make sure you're always acting in the child's best interests.

 

[Connubium]

I am a young single mother , well not single anymore I now have the most awesome boyfriend in the whole world.

There are pros and cons to dating a single mother and I think it's important that you are always honest with her and don't mess her around, she will appreciate this and in return she will be honest with you and probably won't play games like other young women are (sometimes) more likely to, because frankly she doesn't have the time.
She probably won't be able to spend time doing things at night as much a girl would who wasn't a parent, and you'll have to be flexible about when you see each other.
Being a parent has made me far more patient and compassionate than I was before I had a child, it has also made me rethink the qualities I find attractive in men. I'm a lot less shallow now. I love my boyfriend because he's kind and loving, he's reliable and honest and I'm happy to let him into my own life and my kiddos'.I find that I'm no longer taken in by men because they are charming or attractive, it's like being a mother has given me a 'bullshit' detector.


In terms of when to meet her boy etc, let her guide you with that and always be clear about how comfortable you are about interacting with him. I know a 'sticking point' with new partners of single mothers is 'what part does the dad have to play'...I was always very honest about my child's father and I think that openness has meant that my new partner feels secure and I always encourage him (new boyfriend) to ask questions if he was unsure about anything.


ETA, Just to reiterate Sweet Erika's point. I agree that new partners should not be introduced to a child to soon. I introduced my new partner to my son very gradually and they've only started seeing each other regularly now I know that myself and my new partner are serious about each other. Also my son sees his father regularly and I was never interested in finding someone who was a 'replacement father', again this was something else that I made very clear from the beginning.

 

[Eilan]

As someone who spent a some time as a single mother, I'm going to have to agree 100% with what Erika said.

 

[JamieJ424]

You're right to not take this lightly, but if you like her, I would not consider this a show-stopper by any means. Kids are fucking awesome, and if this relationship continues to the point where you start spending time with her son, it's guaranteed to enrich your life in ways you can't imagine.

Keep getting to know her, spend more time together, and if things go well then she will invite you the next level. I would definitely let her make the call as to when (if) the time is right for you to meet her son.

This is all very much putting the cart before the horse. First thing you need to do is decide if you even care about her. Take it a day at a time.

J

 

[Jagged]

Recently I was in a relationship with a single mother that ended rather badly. Well she ended it and did it badly after a long drawn out battle over her child which she lost. I felt bad for her, but lately I've been feeling nothing at all.

That said you always need to keep in mind if they're a good parent the child regardless of age always comes first. So you just need to plan around her schedule. The relationship develops like all relationships do, but you always have to keep in mind the kid is one thing that won't be going anywhere. If you don't want kids in your life or not ready for them keep that in mind when it comes to what kind of relationship you want.

Single parents like sex as much as single people, but if they're looking for a step parent or even a father you have to want it. For several single mothers I know the real test is if their children like the person.

It's good that you're asking these questions now though while the relationship is still early.

 

[klippert]

be certain you understand......her children or child comes first. unless she is a deadbeat mom....Then run for the hills...

 

[ConfusedAgain]

Was it even in her profile that she had a son? Many people would be instantly turned off by the fact that it was hidden until they got sucked into talking to them.

Is it a dating site with the intent of a relationship or is it POF and she has 'Intimate Encounter" in the profile"? lol, Single, Responsible Moms that are serious about starting actual relationships usually aren't sending nudes. So maybe she just wants to have sex with you and you are way over thinking things.

 

[Christopher2012]

I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole...

 

[imemkay]

Christopher why does this not surprise me? You don't want to be friends with a girl, much less her kid.

 

[Lord Pmann]

This thread is interesting to me. I like that the original poster even considered this a cause for thought.

My best friend has met several girls on dating sites. Of some of those he has met there or through friends, a few have had kids. He always starts out with good intentions. He always feels that he is ready for that kind of responsibility (he's 39 and has been married before, but no kids). It always happens in the same way... He started out with the best of intentions. He likes the girl. They get involved and eventually he meets her kids, usually too fast (in my opinion). But over time it gets to him. The lack of freedom that he is used to causes rifts. It's hard for him to accept that he can't be first. It's not done intentionally or in an outright selfish manner, but it is what it is. I've talked to him numerous times regarding it, but he has a hard time seeing it.

Of the girls I've seen him date, the ones with kids are by far the most likable. They have grown up. Connubium made a great point regarding the benefits of the single mother. They really do have a different outlook on life. They certainly don't sweat the small stuff. But you have to be willing to take note that there is someone who will (and should) be forever ahead of you in terms of priority.

Best of luck with whatever you choose. And good on you for recognizing the potential seriousness of the situation.

 

[imemkay]

Good for the OP seeing this is serious business. I have a friend who introduces her child to every guy she dates, after 2-3 dates. Why does she do that? Because she wants "to see how he interacts with" the kid. she ought to be more concerned about how she herself interacts with the date. I am a firm believer that the boyfriend shouldn't meet the child until much further down the line. Otherwise it gets too confusing. I would be very wary of someone who wanted to meet my child right away. If I were dating someone with children I'd also see it as a red flag if they wanted me to meet them too soon.

So good for you for thinking about this now, but don't jump the gun.

To pmann's point about the child being the priority, he's right. However if I were in a serious committed relationship, I would want and expect my child to become a priority to him as well.

 

[subwannabe]

Do you react with any kids now at all, such as younger brothers and sisters or other relatives? If not this may be a little difficult for you but far from impossible. I think the best thing to do is to go for it and see what happens. You may easily grow into the situation or you may decide that it is just too much for you to handle at this current point in your life. Sometimes the hardest thing is actually dealing with the ex if he is in the picture. Sometimes that is actually the dealbreaker.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Do you react with any kids now at all, such as younger brothers and sisters or other relatives? If not this may be a little difficult for you but far from impossible. I think the best thing to do is to go for it and see what happens. You may easily grow into the situation or you may decide that it is just too much for you to handle at this current point in your life. Sometimes the hardest thing is actually dealing with the ex if he is in the picture. Sometimes that is actually the dealbreaker.

This is a great point. Some people are just natural with kids. I don't have that inclination. Or I didn't. I've gotten better now over the years, but when I first was around my sister's kids, I got yelled at because I was playing fetch with my nephew. He was enjoying it and I didn't really think about it being "fetch", but it was. Your desire and natural ability to interact with kids may sincerely work in or against your favour. I can't imagine any mother seeing me and being impressed with my actions.

Consider the child as part of the mother's life. And who she is and that the child has been part of making her who she is. Do not consider him anything else.

 

[ConfusedAgain]

Any concerned/responsible parent would not advertise their children on a dating site. Lest they attract predators who are actually looking for the child not the mother.

If I was a single mother, I certainly wouldn't advertise that I had children on a dating website. I probably wouldn't even date.

Umm not too paranoid? Might as well never leave the house because a man could see you and your kids walking around the grocery store and ask you out because he wants your child.

I'm not saying put pics of the kids up. I don't know how people plaster their kids all over the internet. The responsible ones do not introduce the man to the child until they are serious and she is sure about him.

Obviously many single moms do date eventually and don't wait until the kid is 18. All dating sites have some kind of option to answer whether or not you have kids. yes/no/someday. Lying about that option is like lying about whether or not you smoke or do drugs. Most people don't want to date someone or talk for 12 hours and then hear they have kids or smoke crack. If it was originally in their profile they wouldn't have bothered talking to them in the first place.

 

[GrrlFriday]

I have in my profile that I work with kids - partially as a way of deterring people who just want to see pictures of me, nothing else. It has the unfortunate side effect of attracting a certain quality of PMs... people who want to set up 'incest families' with me.... (translation: teach the kids all their life that being fucked by their parents and siblings is just fine..... )

While a person on a dating website would be more circumspect in their approach, there would be some people out there who would date a woman to have access to her child. It can be a deal-breaker in the same way as someone who smokes or drinks... but it's more than a habit, having a child.

 

[imemkay]

I disagree. There have been many instances where this very thing has occurred. It's in the news every other day it seems.

Your analogy about the grocery store is ridiculous and extreme. *roll your eyes* all you want.

It's a fact. It happens.

Personally, I'd be more concerned about protecting my child than offending some potential date. If he's that easily offended or expects me to opt in with my whole life story in a tiny little blurb then he's not someone I'd be interested in anyway.

There's a difference between lying and being extremely choosey about who you invite into your (their) world.

Edited to add: I'm not saying single mothers/fathers shouldn't date. I'm saying I probably wouldn't for a good while... based on the age of my daughter alone I don't even see how I would have time.

I whole-heartedly agree with Rainshine. Call me paranoid all you want...I'd rather deal with that than the consequences of letting some slime ball past me. I'm a mom...it's my job to protect my child.

 

[ConfusedAgain]

How is it any different? Are there only creeps on the internet?

Being worried about admitting that you have kids in a profile because of creeps but not worried about people in real life talking to you as a way to supposedly get to your kids?

 

[ConfusedAgain]

Really???

I'm not in the supermarket inviting random people into my world. I'm in the supermarket ..... buying groceries.

Ok..a neighbor? Co-worker? A friend of a friend of a friend?

 

[Emerson40]

This thread took an interesting turn...
Back to the OP - as many have stated, good job on thinking about this and taking the kid(s) into consideration. But don't over-think it, or get ahead of yourself.
There is a whole bunch of getting to know each other before you should be thinking you are going to be any part of this kid's life.
She has her reasons for not stating she has a kid in her profile. It may not even be relevant in her mind because all she may be looking for is to exchange some pics and naughty texts with someone and rub one out in the privacy of her own home. Dating or bringing another person into her family dynamic may be the furthest (completely off the radar screen) thing in her mind.
Single moms are people, same as other people. They may have some priorities and responsibilities that differ from your own, but they still get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee and face the day like the rest of the world. How and if you may fit into her life is a loooooonnnngg way from being decided. Baby steps required here.
If you like her as much as you state, and your not just looking for a hook-up, chat with her and get to know her. Tell her you were surprised by her comment and see what she says. It may have been an absolutely nothing-comment, as her son is part of her everyday life and referring to him may be as common for her as talking about the pleasant weather or the price of fuel at the pump. It may have been a wee grenade thrown in there to see how you react, see what your intentions are. Will he run for the hills, or will I be hearing from him again.
Be up front, honest, and respectful. Don't get ahead of yourself and worry about what's involved in raising kids. You just found out about the kid, and you know nothing about the kid's father or his relationship with the kid or the mother. Hell, you really don't know anything about each other.
Like any other relationship in it's early stages, you have to let things evolve, move with the pace of the pack, and see what happens. This may never get past her thinking you're sweet, some pleasant text messages, and occasional sexting.
If the kid is a deal breaker in your eyes, let her know now and both of you move on. You had some good times and shared some laughs, but you shouldn't waste anybody's time or fuck with their emotions, kids or no kids.
Good luck. At best, you could be at the start of something romantic and marvelous. At worst, you've had a bit of fun, met someone who finds you sweet, and hopefully learned something about yourself. In all likelihood, you're going to land somewhere in between these two.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Obviously many single moms do date eventually and don't wait until the kid is 18. All dating sites have some kind of option to answer whether or not you have kids. yes/no/someday. Lying about that option is like lying about whether or not you smoke or do drugs. Most people don't want to date someone or talk for 12 hours and then hear they have kids or smoke crack. If it was originally in their profile they wouldn't have bothered talking to them in the first place.

Easy solution: mention in YOUR profile that you're not interested in dating somebody with kids. That way neither of you have to waste time on one another, and she doesn't have to worry about whether she's putting her kids at risk by mentioning them in her profile.

 

[Eilan]

Good for the OP seeing this is serious business. I have a friend who introduces her child to every guy she dates, after 2-3 dates. Why does she do that? Because she wants "to see how he interacts with" the kid. she ought to be more concerned about how she herself interacts with the date. I am a firm believer that the boyfriend shouldn't meet the child until much further down the line. Otherwise it gets too confusing. I would be very wary of someone who wanted to meet my child right away. If I were dating someone with children I'd also see it as a red flag if they wanted me to meet them too soon.

Abso-freakin-loutely!

 

[Connubium]

I disagree. There have been many instances where this very thing has occurred. It's in the news every other day it seems.

Your analogy about the grocery store is ridiculous and extreme. *roll your eyes* all you want.

It's a fact. It happens.

Personally, I'd be more concerned about protecting my child than offending some potential date. If he's that easily offended or expects me to opt in with my whole life story in a tiny little blurb then he's not someone I'd be interested in anyway.

There's a difference between lying and being extremely choosey about who you invite into your (their) world.

Edited to add: I'm not saying single mothers/fathers shouldn't date. I'm saying I probably wouldn't for a good while... based on the age of my daughter alone I don't even see how I would have time.

I'm sorry but this entire answer seems bizarre.

Firstly where do you live where there are instances of that kind of thing 'happening every other day'?In fact I'm kind of unclear by what you even mean by 'that very thing'. I think if I lived in an area where whatever you are alluding to happens I wouldn't internet date at all. Luckily I do not.

I do not think that clicking 'yes' to the 'do you have children?' question on dating sites is sharing your life story. I mean, being a mother is a pretty fucking huge part of who I am and I would not want to waste my time on men who would potentially have an issue with me having a child. Offending them is the last thing on my mind! If you have limited time you want to cut the 'won't date single mothers guys' instantly. I think it's more important saying 'I have a child' than, 'I like country walks and fine wine' for instance .

You are right there is a difference between lying and being extremely choosey, for me finding a man who is responsible enough to be able to be part of my own life and my child's is only the first hurdle. It's all well and good when people start talking about their friends or their friends friend, or their friends friends' dog walker, but ALL of the single mothers I know are extremely cautious when looking for a new partner and are even more cautious before introducing their child to them.

As for the last part, ya'know what? You obviously are NOT a single parent, so stating what you would or wouldn't do is entirely irrelevant. I do not subscribe to the culture that believe that single parents should stay single and that their entire lives should revolve around their child until they turn 18. You would not expect that from a family with 2 parents. For me it goes back to the old 'women should be punished for having sex' ilk that would ban abortion if they had the chance.

Single mothers are still human beings, we still need affection and adult conversation, we still enjoy sex and romance and having someone to support us and share our problems with. I personally still hope to get married and have more children one day and to be in a conventional relationship. I have only ever introduced my child to one guy and he is the one I'm with now and the one I want to stay with, and honestly the vetting of this new man is far more thorough than it would have been pre-baby.

Being a single parent is hard enough and we get judged on a regular basis, as a person who researches every parenting decision I make carefully so that my child can grow up to be a happy well rounded person, I see plenty of parenting going on by couples that is more than questionable and if I really wanted to judge I could.


I feel kind of upset having to write all that out, I guess single mothers still have to state things that parents who are together or married don't. That being, that my child comes first with every decision I make.

 

[help_me_Rhonda]

My sister is a single mom.

She always isolates her child from a new BF until she is sure it will be long term (kind of like when to introduce him to Mom and Dad, but maybe not quite so long).

One problem has been when the child and new BF finally do meet up, bond over time, and then there is a breakup, it can be very disheartening for the child (for everyone obviously- but my main concern is the child).

That process can make the single mom even more reluctant next time.