How to complete someone

[Daddi_DJ]

I have been pondering a certain question pertaining to me and my life. How do you complete someone who has a side to them that they won't allow you into? If you fit someone perfectly except for one aspect, how can you continue to KNOW you make them happy, really happy, if you can't give them everything that they NEED because the whole relationship might change? How do you continue to be secure in your position with them if you know that someone else is giving them what you can't, won't, or perhaps...shouldn't? Any suggestions?

 

[Hhot]

This is very specific, yet vague. Hard to answer this question without knowing exactly what you're referring to, otherwise it's just a guessing game.

 

[Daddi_DJ]

yes i know. the one i am talking about has a sexual side to her that i can not be a part of. quite frankly i don't know if i would want to be but it kills me to know someone else can complete her in a way i can't. she never physically acts on it but i know she NEEDS it and i can't b the one to give it to her. i am happy that she is happy just feel jealous and envious of the others. is that selfish? wrong? want to talk to her but don't know how without making her feel bad.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Considering that this is a fairly 'private' arena, no real names or locations are given unless you provide them, we don't know who you are, where you are, or who you're talking about, so you won't be compromising yourself or her to give a little more info on the situation.

What is it that she "needs" and why can't you provide it?

 

[Daddi_DJ]

She needs a submissive. Someone to control and who will obey. The reason i can't give her this is because that is not how she relates to me. Which I think is a good thing. However I feel inadequate because I can't, and probably wouldn't be able to satisfy her in that way. I am not the submissive type. I would try for her but she would look at me differently and i don't want that.

 

[Daddi_DJ]

Guess no one has a response. Has been 4 months and nothing. Guess I will figure it out myself. Deuces!

 

[Boundlife]

Guess no one has a response. Has been 4 months and nothing. Guess I will figure it out myself. Deuces!

Well it's hard to give advice on here except be honest and talk about it. HT Cafe also doesn't have huge traffic. I hope you work it out

 

[wicked woman]

Seems to me, your mistake is in thinking that you can provide 100% of what a person needs/wants to start with. That's a pretty major sexual incompatibility. If you're not submissive, you're just not.

 

[Iamnotthe1]

I have been pondering a certain question pertaining to me and my life. How do you complete someone who has a side to them that they won't allow you into? If you fit someone perfectly except for one aspect, how can you continue to KNOW you make them happy, really happy, if you can't give them everything that they NEED because the whole relationship might change? How do you continue to be secure in your position with them if you know that someone else is giving them what you can't, won't, or perhaps...shouldn't? Any suggestions?

Don't try to be everything she needs but if she leaves cuz you can't be submissive then let her go.

 

[subwannabe]

I agree with Wicked Woman. First, you don't technically say what your relationship is with her, such as boyfriend/girlfriend. Nobody ever completes somebody 100% but that is a pretty big difference to make a relationship work. I think there is more going on here than meets the eye as I really don't see how you can have a close personal bf/gf relationship. It sounds to me more like you're not dating but that you are in love with her while at the same time knowing that it isn't going to work. Good luck with it all.

 

[SweetErika]

Have you sought advice/support in your local polyamory/consensual nonmonogamy community? Some of the experienced folks there might be able to help you look at things in different ways and/or wrap your head around the situation. Also, have you and your partner read The Ethical Slut? If not, you might put that on your list ASAP.

I'm not great on the envy/jealousy front, BUT it's different for me if someone is getting specific needs met that I can't or don't want to meet (like a partner who's a different gender or certain kink needs). In that situation, there's really no reason for me to be jealous, probably because I see that we do the same thing with multiple people A LOT, and none of that's a threat to our relationship. Most of us go to certain family members for some things and specific friends to have other needs met, so it naturally follows (in my mind) that we might turn to different people for less platonic needs. And, in my experience, having those needs met makes me a far happier, more generous, better partner than if I'm running at a deficit or am locked in a situation where i know those needs won't be met. When my partner, for instance, has been loving and extremely generous with me, I feel like giving more to him, even if it's in different ways.

The HUGE caveat is that there has to be trust and everything has to be 100% honest and a total commitment to communication from everyone, though. Without basic ingredients like that, mistrust and jealousy breed quickly, and it can turn from a consensual arrangement to cheating on a dime.

 

[bobsgirl]

Seems to me, your mistake is in thinking that you can provide 100% of what a person needs/wants to start with. That's a pretty major sexual incompatibility. If you're not submissive, you're just not.

I'll second that. In my own experience, having strong submissive tendencies, with a husband who hasn't got a dominant bone in his body, it can cause major resentment and unhappiness. If she needs to dominate, then she just does. Don't try to make yourself over and be something you're not.

 

[abby4u2]

Okay, everyone in Lit who is married (fairly happily) raise your hand. Wow...thats a heap. Therein lies your answer...humans are complex and need a variety of things, and that's why many of us are here.

 

[Que]

Ive only completed someone 4 times

I can only roughly estimate when and how I did that by tracking back 9 months or so when 1 of my sperm reached 1 her eggs.

in all seriousness of the concept is flawed. Either the person is a complete healthy self sustaining human being or they're not in you don't have any say or help in that 1 way or the other

 

[Daddi_DJ]

Thanks for the advice

 

[Daddi_DJ]

Have you sought advice/support in your local polyamory/consensual nonmonogamy community? Some of the experienced folks there might be able to help you look at things in different ways and/or wrap your head around the situation. Also, have you and your partner read The Ethical Slut? If not, you might put that on your list ASAP.

I'm not great on the envy/jealousy front, BUT it's different for me if someone is getting specific needs met that I can't or don't want to meet (like a partner who's a different gender or certain kink needs). In that situation, there's really no reason for me to be jealous, probably because I see that we do the same thing with multiple people A LOT, and none of that's a threat to our relationship. Most of us go to certain family members for some things and specific friends to have other needs met, so it naturally follows (in my mind) that we might turn to different people for less platonic needs. And, in my experience, having those needs met makes me a far happier, more generous, better partner than if I'm running at a deficit or am locked in a situation where i know those needs won't be met. When my partner, for instance, has been loving and extremely generous with me, I feel like giving more to him, even if it's in different ways.

The HUGE caveat is that there has to be trust and everything has to be 100% honest and a total commitment to communication from everyone, though. Without basic ingredients like that, mistrust and jealousy breed quickly, and it can turn from a consensual arrangement to cheating on a dime.

True, true. It is just hard but is getting easier.

 

[Daddi_DJ]

I'll second that. In my own experience, having strong submissive tendencies, with a husband who hasn't got a dominant bone in his body, it can cause major resentment and unhappiness. If she needs to dominate, then she just does. Don't try to make yourself over and be something you're not.

Thanks. I think about it, but we both know it isn't me. That is why she won't ask.