How to Ask Anonymously Read OP!

[Lord Pmann]

One thing that is good, but so difficult to do, is assume the best of the person. This goes for both parties.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Oh, like we have trolls around these parts!

Us trolls keep this cluster fuck honest.

 

[NotHisLady]

sigh (men--so utterly wonderful to have around but sometimes so utterly incomprehensible)

 

[Cathleen]

One thing that is good, but so difficult to do, is assume the best of the person. This goes for both parties.

That's a great method. Might be tough but it's good advice. Remind us why we love them.

I'd also use a cooling off period, let it go for a bit. Use writing, it can help find things you didn't know where inside and definitely change the scenery when it is time to address it. It all doesn't have to be solved in a conversation or with something ever, it does need to be aired though.

 

[NightL]

(This is precisely what I received)
----
I am having real problems communicating with someone I love very much. There are many things at play that I don't really want to go into, I was just wondering in general what others do when communication is not understood, heard, or working? Do you have some specific tools, methods or the like, that you utilise when emotions are strained and feelings hurt that allow two people to communicate without anger and emotions overcoming the situation?
----

then it is time that you listened very carefully to what you, yourself is saying, because it is obviously not working. Rather than trying to repeatedly tell someone something, ask them how they feel. That approach provides an opportunity for you to express how you feel after you have listened.

You guys also get the benefit of NOT having to suffer through MY opinion.

To NotHisLady - I am glad you have changed your mind from that statement. You have crossed that great divide - no holding back now, you are in the territory where your considered opinions and contributions are appreciated and anticipated. When someone starts a post with "I must be reading this a bit differently than everyone else." laying out solid reasoning for the opinion then following onto advice delivered from personal experience - well you have my attention.

 

[NightL]

One thing that is good, but so difficult to do, is assume the best of the person. This goes for both parties.

or naive... self deception can be ultimately very soul destroying.

That statement kind of only works when the parties would wish for the same outcome or shared goal but are in disagreement of the path to get there.

I believe the converse a stronger statement; One thing that is bad, but so easy to do, is assume the worst of the person. This goes for both parties.

Of course we see many threads start this way with a rallying cry for support and justification.

 

[NotHisLady]

then it is time that you listened very carefully to what you, yourself is saying, because it is obviously not working. Rather than trying to repeatedly tell someone something, ask them how they feel. That approach provides an opportunity for you to express how you feel after you have listened.


To NotHisLady - I am glad you have changed your mind from that statement. You have crossed that great divide - no holding back now, you are in the territory where your considered opinions and contributions are appreciated and anticipated. When someone starts a post with "I must be reading this a bit differently than everyone else." laying out solid reasoning for the opinion then following onto advice delivered from personal experience - well you have my attention.

That, Night dear (may I call you dear) is my personal diplomacy. I'm just reading it differently not calling anybody wrong. Saves money on ammo for all the range wars I don't start.
Thank you though, I do appreciate that I'm listened to by someone everyone quite obviously listens to.

Thanks also for everyone's input--do keep it coming.
I believe that since what we have is a bit less specific than most of the single thread posts it leave room for broader sorts of answers. Things that may have seemed a little too far afield elsewhere work nicely here and may benefit not only this seeker of answers but possibly others as well.

 

[NippleMuncher]

sigh (men--so utterly wonderful to have around but sometimes so utterly incomprehensible)

Please trust me when I say this, with complete love and reverence, women are equally incomprehensible to men.

I utterly love and adore the ground women walk on, but sometimes you may as well be from venus!

As to the original poster of the question, communication is key to ALL relationships, without it, well, you don't have much of a relationship. Even in the best of relationships, we can misunderstand what our partner is communicating, or completely miss all the signals of a ship running aground, again, as always, communication is key.

You have to find a way to clearly communicate to your partner what is going on, without laying blame or judgment that will incite negative feelings and reaction. It is difficult in the best of times, and damned near impossible in the worst, it is the strength of the relationship that will carry you through both scenarios.

As was said, find a neutral place to begin your discussion, and do it in a non-confrontational way. Put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment, how are they seeing the situation, understand how they may be reacting to the vibe you are putting off. This in in no way to lay blame in one direction or the other, just understand that while your partner may be doing things that are pissing you off, you are doing just as much to them that is equally irritating. Recognize this, own it, and work together to change the situation to a mutually preferred scenario.

 

[NightL]

Thank you though, I do appreciate that I'm listened to by someone everyone wonders "Is NightL going to rip a head off or offer compassion to the most unlikely person".

slight edit there - actually fairly obvious really

 

[Lord Pmann]

or naive... self deception can be ultimately very soul destroying.

That statement kind of only works when the parties would wish for the same outcome or shared goal but are in disagreement of the path to get there.

I believe the converse a stronger statement; One thing that is bad, but so easy to do, is assume the worst of the person. This goes for both parties.

Of course we see many threads start this way with a rallying cry for support and justification.

Well the original poster said it was someone that he/she loved very much. So, I'm assuming that if the person loves them, they probably are safe to assume some good in the person and their intentions.

 

[NotHisLady]

Please trust me when I say this, with complete love and reverence, women are equally incomprehensible to men.

I utterly love and adore the ground women walk on, but sometimes you may as well be from venus!

That may be the best advice anyone has offered.
We do speak different languages and sometimes things get lost in translation.
My remark was really just a thread bump (we'd gotten to the bottom of the page and I'm still a PG gal at heart so this slow moving pace is new for me LOL)

As for you Night, dear (you didn't say I couldn't call you that now did you?) maybe I just haven't been around long enough to OD on your acerbic side. I'm often accused of being sharp tongued myself though I've not let that show here. I kind of like it.

 

[StrayKat]

We do speak different languages and sometimes things get lost in translation.

With all due respect, I disagree.
We all speak a selfish language, in my opinion. Once I put everything I feel aside and just listen, I have no problems with translation. But it takes a lot of self control to forget about self and be completely focused on other person.

If I dont want an argument I never start conversation with "you" (always, never) in a negative way. I do my best to show I appreciate all the good, positive things in person. Then I talk about my own shortcomings and expectations, sometimes too high or too subjective. And whenever I see he is willing to say something I shut up and listen.

Takes quite a bit of energy for me to control myself to stay calm and not get baited by accusations but maintain positive attitude. I dont always have that kind of energy. I dont always want to spend my energy that way. And people tend to take advantage when they find somebody who is truly willing to listen.

But I have been told more than once how amazingly easy talking to me is and I have been employed in soothing family and other crisis more than I care to count.
Right now I refuse to make en effort, I need all the energy I have for my own problems. And that is the only reason any communication I would try now would fail miserably.

 

[NightL]

Right now I refuse to make en effort, I need all the energy I have for my own problems. And that is the only reason any communication I would try now would fail miserably.

haha - as I suggested "I have been wondering about our situation of XXXXXXXX, how do you feel about this, what are your thoughts about improving the situation?" see - simple introduction to create dialogue. THEN CUT THEM OFF AT THEIR KNEES with your demure response.

Whoops

 

[StrayKat]

haha - as I suggested "I have been wondering about our situation of XXXXXXXX, how do you feel about this, what are your thoughts about improving the situation?" see - simple introduction to create dialogue. THEN CUT THEM OFF AT THEIR KNEES with your demure response.

Whoops

I was stating what was my approach to the problem and that worked.
Then I said right now I have absolutely no interest to solve any problems or receive any long winded PMs from people who are only interested in pouring their troubles over my head.
I am not a public property and I have right to limit my communication to who I want to.

Is that still demure enough for you?

 

[NightL]

StrayKat - sometimes I take a swipe at myself - that was one occasion.

I apologise for an unintended commentary of your post.

 

[NotHisLady]

With all due respect, I disagree.
We all speak a selfish language, in my opinion. Once I put everything I feel aside and just listen, I have no problems with translation. But it takes a lot of self control to forget about self and be completely focused on other person.

If I dont want an argument I never start conversation with "you" (always, never) in a negative way. I do my best to show I appreciate all the good, positive things in person. Then I talk about my own shortcomings and expectations, sometimes too high or too subjective. And whenever I see he is willing to say something I shut up and listen.

Takes quite a bit of energy for me to control myself to stay calm and not get baited by accusations but maintain positive attitude. I dont always have that kind of energy. I dont always want to spend my energy that way. And people tend to take advantage when they find somebody who is truly willing to listen.

But I have been told more than once how amazingly easy talking to me is and I have been employed in soothing family and other crisis more than I care to count.
Right now I refuse to make en effort, I need all the energy I have for my own problems. And that is the only reason any communication I would try now would fail miserably.

You know, I find I'm just the opposite in some ways but for the same reasons. Interesting.
I tend to avoid approaching a problem with the word "I" since it places the focus on me when it belongs on the thing that is hurting US.
"Something between us has changed and I don't understand it. Can you help me understand what is happening? What do you see?"
That worked for the longest time and only our worst problem, the one he refuses to see has turned into a wall. The one he can't/won't see I don't know how to begin sorting out. How do we talk about a problem if he doesn't think we have one?

(Yes, I stated straight out that I have a problem and asked for help. No I didn't get any.)
I suppose sometimes, if you try your best and your partner just isn't participating in the solution then there isn't one.
I hate to be the downer but there you go. Solutions are like the tango--they take two.

 

[Poncher]

I suppose sometimes, if you try your best and your partner just isn't participating in the solution then there isn't one.
I hate to be the downer but there you go. Solutions are like the tango--they take two.

I agree because problems between two individuals takes two to find solutions. I would ask for help if I were in such situation. If there is no communication then sometimes your partner might just be fed up or might cut you off.

 

[NotHisLady]

We've got a new one!
Answers/opinions welcome and appreciated!!

"I just purchased sex aides/furniture for my wife's brother and his new fiancé as their wedding gift. Appropriate or completely creepy?"

 

[Cathleen]

I think it's a bit on the creepy side.

 

[unregistered]